Running in Sand
by Leialovesfaith
Summary: Ten years after leaving Lima, Rachel Berry has found success. One day everything changes for the best. One day everything changes for the worst. As her life falls apart, Rachel struggles to care. Kurt and Santana try to help, but find themselves grieving as well. And then Quinn and Brittany reappear. Can they help? Faberry/ Brittana. Pezberry friendship.
1. Chapter 1

I felt like I was running in sand. Do you know that feeling? Where you know you have to move, get up, continue, but you just… you just can't? Those were most days. Days that turned into nights that turned into days and it never stopped. I kept trying to give up. I ignored the knocks on the door. The looks. The phone calls. My parents tried. So did my friends. Everyone tried. I wish that I could say they helped me. That they saved me or at least saved what was left. But I didn't even have the strength to lie to them. I had nothing left.

Life is a series of moments. Until it isn't anymore. And then it becomes an effort to just want to survive it. Maybe at one point mine had been spectacular. Having only the one, I didn't really have room to judge. People said I was lucky. At times, maybe I was. I don't remember feeling lucky when I was younger. No. Younger me wasn't very lucky.

But I was special.

I was that girl. The one that everyone picked on. The one who didn't know how to dress. Or the right things to say. I was awkward. Foolish. Arrogant. Eager. I wanted more than anything to fit in. To be loved. I spent hours wondering why people didn't see me. Why they didn't care. Why they were so mean.

When I left Lima I promised myself no looking back. I was finished. Even after senior year. After Quinn's accident. The failed wedding. Prom Queen. Nationals. None of it was enough to erase that feeling of not belonging. That feeling of being different. I used to pretend it was because I was better. In some respects, I was. In others…

…And New York. It was a dream. It was where I wanted to be. I finally fit in. Oh I know, I know that I gloss over it now. The grueling hours. The failed auditions. The tired muscles. The sore throats. There were nights when I felt like none of it was worth it. And nights that I didn't want to end.

Memories of Lima were wrapped in the phones calls from my fathers. And the very real presence of Kurt. …And Santana. No one was more surprised than me. Though Kurt and I formed a friendship senior year that I knew would last, I'd never for once thought that Santana would become an integral part of that equation.

It worked though. In a way we were compliments. Opposites. Her crass demeanor and my demure innocence always shocked my friends from school. They didn't see the real us. The ways we were so much alike. The jokes we secretly made at other people's expense. The laughs we shared over something stupid the other one had said. Once you got past the cursing and the eye rolls, Santana was a lot like me. Afraid of the past. Ready for the future.

Kurt's eye for fashion took him in another direction. He was always afraid of being typecast at "that gay." But one Costume Designing class and he had a calling. Kurt's success came first. Neither of us argued with him that it wasn't the right fit. It definitely was.

When Santana finished her first year of residency, I landed my first role on Broadway. By the time she'd graduated, I had two Tonys under my belt. Kurt – one. We were happy. A little hodgepodge family of three wayward friends. We had boyfriends. Girlfriends. But we were so busy. No one was the right fit. We were so critical of each other's choices.

"She dresses like my grandmother."

"Damn. Rainbows are too straight for him."

"Every heard the word gender confused?"

We weren't jealous. Just picky. And so busy. It was easier just being the three of us. Every once in a while someone would reminiscence. We'd be sitting around, having a bottle of wine, and someone would bring them up. "The Ones We Left Behind," Santana would call them. The rest of them.

"Finn said Brittany moved to L.A.," Kurt ventured one night.

I held my breath. He'd obviously had more to drink than I originally thought. I looked at the bottle on the table. Was that the second one?

"Hmm," Santana hummed. She swallowed her next drink slower.

I watched her. She was incredibly adept at holding a straight face. I sometimes wondered why she didn't go into acting as well.

"What is she doing?" I finally asked him. He was obviously waiting on permission to finish.

"Dancing. Back up vocals. From what he said, she's hit the big time." He smiled softly and swirled his wine. "She deserves it," he whispered.

Santana nodded but didn't speak. She didn't need to. She and Kurt shared that "one that got away," feeling. Brittany and Blaine were the yin to the yang, so to speak. They used to think Finn was mine. It was hard to be wistful about him though. So they stopped thinking that.

Blaine lived in San Francisco. He was an activist. I was never really certain for what. All of our information came second hard. Usually from Finn. Being a stepbrother had its advantages and allowed Kurt a tentative link to the past that Santana and I didn't have. We felt luckier that way. When news came that Blaine was marrying someone, Kurt spent four days in bed. Only my tears and Santana's threats of violence made him finally get up. We took a vacation. Pretended we were fine.

Finn had stayed in Lima. He worked with Kurt's dad. It was a good fit for him. When he got married, I drank a toast because I was sincerely happy for him. That was the night the two of them finally understood I didn't share their nostalgia. We didn't speak about it again.

Finn lost track of a lot the Glee members. No one had heard from Mercedes in years. Sam either. Artie lived in Chicago but he didn't know why or with whom. Tina moved to Columbus after college and was teaching. Mike was a dance instructor in Dallas. Puck left Lima after senior year. The last Finn had heard, he'd married some girl that was into the "exotic arts." Kurt was too afraid to ask what that meant. Santana had explained to us anyway.

The night we found out about Quinn… that is one night I remember. If I were to be honest with myself, she was the one I always wondered about. I knew she'd graduated from Yale, but none of us had heard about her since. When Kurt brought her up that night, my mind flashed to a girl, the most beautiful girl I'd ever met, smiling up at me in a wheelchair. I don't know why that's the memory I always have first. Maybe it's what put her on equal ground. Maybe it was the only chance I had to look down into her eyes instead of up. But Quinn was always that girl. The sad one. I refused to remember the cheerleader. Like Santana, Cheerios and all that came with it was something I worked hard to forget.

After each run on stage, the three of us would get together at a familiar restaurant and celebrate. There was something satisfying with a show finally being over. I always felt light. Like there were still innocent possibilities in my life. I guess my exuberance at whatever accomplishment was catching because it became a habit of ours. When my latest show ended, we met for drinks and dinner like every other time. That particular night, Santana and I came in together. Kurt was waiting. His face was decidedly different than what we were used to.

"What?" Santana semi-growled, sitting down across from him.

I sat down beside her.

"I talked to Finn."

To be honest that meant nothing to either of us. He was always talking to Finn. Usually it was about their parents or Finn's son. His wife had given birth the year before. I even had a picture on my phone. He was adorable and reminded me of what I could only imagine was a joyful Finn. It made me happy.

"Everything okay with Lucas?" I asked.

Kurt nodded. "He's fine."

We were distracted by the waiter and placed a drink order before continuing.

"So what is it?" Santana asked, after he'd poured our wine. "You look like you've seen a ghost." She studied his face. "If you tell me you saw a ghost, I'm out. I'm tired of you two and you're obsession with that crazy ass lady on television. No one can talk to the dead."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Did you see a ghost?" I smiled at him.

He shook his head. "No. No… No ghost. Well not really anyway."

He was being obtuse. I hated obtuse. "Well are we supposed to play twenty questions or are you going to tell us what he said?"

He nodded, almost preoccupied. I hoped it wasn't something else about Blaine. Or Brittany. Maybe I was being selfish, but I wanted to enjoy the night. Not watch while one, or both of them, drank their sorrows away.

Santana frowned. "Are you about to ruin our night? Cause seriously, if you are I'm ordering something stronger than wine."

He shook his head. "No. Not ruin it… it's just…" He took a deep breath. "Finn saw Sylvester yesterday."

He had our attention.

"He said she mentioned Quinn," he watched both of our faces. "And Brittany."

Neither of us spoke.

"Apparently they both live in L.A." He took a drink. "Together."

He let that sink in. Gone was the Kurt who would revel in that kind of news. He almost looked afraid.

"Together?" Santana whispered.

Kurt shook his head dramatically. "No! Not like together, together. Just together. Like us. But you know, in the same house."

Oh. He was saying that they'd stayed friends. "That's good," I finally said.

"Why's Quinn there?" Santana asked. "In L.A.?"

"Sue said that she finished her grad degree at Stanford. She's teaching English at UCLA."

I wasn't surprised that Quinn was a teacher. Or a professor. Whatever. Santana was nodding. Apparently she wasn't either.

"Is that it?" She asked him.

He nodded back. "That's all she told him. They're both single though," he dropped. For some reason he was looking at me and not Santana.

"Good for them," she muttered.

I chose not to speak.

Maybe it was our faces, but he moved on to a lighter topic and regaled us with the new intern he'd received. Santana teased him about being a cougar. I smiled. We all pretended like we weren't thinking about someone else.

And that was fine.

* * *

After I recorded my first album, I landed a role in my first feature film. It was a supporting part but I was proud. Most of the filming took place in Toronto but when we filmed the dailies in L.A., Santana took a leave and came with me. We spent a few weeks there, sightseeing and just being silly tourists. I wasn't as famous then. I could go anywhere outside of New York and not be afraid of the photographers. A few times I almost suggested looking them up. But Santana never mentioned it. To be honest, I was afraid too. I told myself it was fear of her getting hurt. I really did love her. It was an easy lie.

The movie did fair at the box office. I received some nice reviews, but was happy to be back in New York. I felt out of sorts in L.A. Too much sun. Too much driving.

My second offer was for an independent project that was filming in London. The role was not something I was used to, but I was in love with the script. And my character died. And no one did dying better than Rachel Barbra Berry. So I took the role.

I loved London. It was just so… so different. The people, the history, everything about it made me content. The schedule was grueling though. The scenes were harrowing. I left the sets feeling drained and lost and often found myself wandering into local pubs looking for something.

I met Joshua in a pub on Fleet Street. I'd just finished filming one of those never ending emotional scenes. Though I loved the cast and the crew, once we filmed a scene like that we found ourselves needing to be alone. So when he approached me that night, I was intent on ignoring him.

Alcohol changes your perspective.

I never did catch his last name. And if you wanted to know the complete truth, I probably wouldn't even be able to identify him in a line up. I just remember that he had a sweet smile and a deep voice. He didn't know who I was and I liked that. So I took him back to my hotel. It wasn't the first time I had found myself in such a situation, but it was definitely the one time that everything changed.

I spent four more weeks in London. We covered the dailies there. The first time I realized that something was amiss was the plane ride home. I chalked up my sickness to turbulence and took a Valium Santana had prescribed. She knew I hated flying.

I was back in New York and settling back into a routine of sorts was when I realized the truth.

Looking back, I can only imagine how terrifying my voicemails actually were. Though I'd changed dramatically since high school, my penchant for drama in certain situations couldn't be ignored. Whatever I said must have scared the dickens out of both of them because they were rushing through my door not thirty minutes after I called them.

I'd been to the drugstore after I called and my suspicions were confirmed by the time they got there.

"Who died?" Santana yelled into the apartment.

Kurt was right behind her. "Rachel! Are you okay?! We couldn't even understand you!"

I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom. Santana rushed in and stopped cold when she saw the test on the ground in front of me. Kurt ran into her back. "What is it?!" He yelled behind her.

She shook her head, frowning. "Ay dios mio," she whispered.

Kurt peered around her. "Oh my god!"

I started crying then. I cried until I wanted to vomit. I cried until I felt their arms around me. The three of us sat on the floor of my bathroom and we cried together.

"Ah, cariño, it'll be okay," she finally whispered, brushing my hair out of my eyes. "I promise."

Kurt nodded. "We'll figure it out."

I didn't trust my voice at this point. All of the crying… I was worried that I had actually damaged my vocal cords. I nodded instead and let them lead me to the living room. Only after we were all three huddled on the couch did they speak again.

"Who?" Santana finally asked.

"His name was Joshua. I don't even know his last name. We just met one night at a bar and had a few drinks." I sighed. "Or more than a few. A lot of drinks. We had a lot of drinks. And then… we were in my hotel and… he was gone when I woke up." I closed my eyes. "He was blond. Canadian, I think. I'm pretty sure he said he was there on business or something, but I honestly don't really remember much else…" I trailed off. I was embarrassed. I swallowed to keep from crying again. "What am I going to do?"

They shared a glance. "What do you want to do?" Kurt asked pointedly.

I didn't answer at first. I wanted them to tell me. Big decisions were not my forte and every time I'd ever had to make one I'd consulted the both of them. "What should I do?"

The second glance they shared was pained.

Santana spoke first. "Look Rach, we…" she trailed off. She brushed my hair off my forehead and tucked it behind my ear. "We can't…" she was struggling to speak. That hurt more than anything. If she couldn't think of what to say… What was I going to do? She looked at Kurt.

"We can't decide this for you, Rachel," he finally answered.

She nodded. "But we can support you. If you want to… if you want to keep it… well we're not kids anymore. You're almost twenty-eight. No one would say anything."

Kurt nodded with her. "And if you want to… to not keep it… we'll support that too." He patted my head. "Whatever you decide, we'll support you."

I felt the familiar knot in my throat rise again. I wanted to fight the tears but when I felt them spill I decided it was pointless. I needed to cry. Santana wrapped her arms tighter around me.

We sat together, not really speaking, not really even moving. I kept my head buried against her shoulder and I could feel Kurt rubbing my back. I forgot sometimes how lucky I actually was to have them. When I felt her breath hitch, I ignored it. That was what friends did.

After a few minutes, I raised my head to look at them. "I think I want… I think I want to keep it," I whispered so quietly, I wasn't sure they heard me.

They both nodded though. I closed my eyes and put my head back against her. Kurt scooted closer and laid his head against my shoulder. He was singing something so softly; I didn't even understand the words, but it made the knot go away and that, combined with Santana's kiss on the top of my head, made me finally feel safe. And at some point I fell asleep.

Those days, though terrifying and unreal at times, are actually fond memories. Those were the days when I felt safe and loved. Those were the days when Santana and Kurt, my best friends, could make it all go away.

God only knows how I longed for those days.

* * *

The third knock on my bedroom door had me groaning into my pillow. "Please go away," I whispered out harshly. My voice was raw. I no longer cared if I damaged it. I no longer cared about anything.

The door opened anyway. The light from the hallway burned my eyes even though they were closed. The light from the shades being thrown open scalded them.

"Rachel, you've got to get out of bed." It was Santana this time. Her voice was clipped and she was standing above me, her hands on her hips. She had sunglasses pushed on top of her head. For some reason it was the first time I noticed how much older she looked. I swallowed down the realization that I knew why.

"What about 'go away' do you not understand?" I mumbled, turning my face back into my pillow.

I could vaguely hear Kurt in the front of the house. He was talking to my daddy. My dad had to fly back to Lima to take care of some business with the house. They were apparently putting it on the market and moving out to California. Everyone was moving here. I wanted them all to just leave.

"Go away. Go home. Go back to New York or Ohio or whatever. Just go!" I sat up suddenly. The anger I was feeling resting comfortably on my face. "I don't want any of you fucking here!"

She stepped back at my use of such an expletive. I, of course, rarely used such crass language. But desperate times called for desperate measures and I couldn't very well die in this bed if they were going to continuously throw open my door and tell me to get up.

Her face changed then. Almost like a mask was pulled over it. And then I saw a flash of anger… a flash of Santana, the Sometimes HBIC, popping out to join me. She'd been missing since senior year of high school. I couldn't say I'd missed her.

"Berry! Get your scrawny ass up right now." She was almost growling. "If you think I'm going to sit here and watch you waste a fucking way, you're out of your goddamn mind." She ripped the blankets off my bed. "Get up," her voice had changed. She was pleading.

There was a time when that voice could get me to do some really stupid things. I can recall our little adventure that led us to Disneyland when I'd first moved out here. All of a sudden my heart clenched again. "Please," I whispered, closing my eyes. "Please go away, Santana. I just want to sleep."

She went to speak again but was interrupted by the singsong vibration of my doorbell. I groaned. I didn't want to see anyone else. Santana turned to look towards the door, mumbling, "who the hell could that be?" to herself.

"Whoever that is, please be so kind as to ask them to fuck off," I told her.

She shook her head but didn't say anything about my language. "You expecting someone?"

"Why yes. I was expecting my dinner guests. Do you think I look presentable?" I snarled.

"Cut the snark, babe." She frowned. "I'm tired of this smartass attitutude you've…" She cut herself off. I watched her face and followed her gaze to the door.

"Hi Rachel," I heard, but was finding it hard to believe. "Santana."

Brittany S. Pierce was standing in my doorway. And that explained the wide-eyed look my best friend was wearing.

Of course, my own was matching hers. Because standing behind, wringing her hands and looking at anywhere but us, was none other than Quinn Fabray.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing at all. Not even my car.

* * *

Chapter 2

Three years ago, before my Eliza was born, my agent told me I was making the biggest mistake of my career. Her actual words centered on "fucking disaster" and "stupid little twit." I fired her on the spot. She got away lucky honestly. The only thing that kept Santana from punching her was Kurt's extremely girlish screaming at the top of his diva lungs. His squeals distracted Santana, and my agent Cynthia ran for her life.

Cynthia was wrong though. Having a child, even being pregnant, had not in fact ruined my career.

Six months into my pregnancy, we started press for _Hideous Beauty, _my independent film. Eight months in – we were a hit. No one, least of all me, expected it. Only two weeks after my daughter was born… I was nominated for a Golden Globe. The rest was history…

Some things were easier to think about than others. I'd spent the better part of the last two weeks not thinking about any of it. I found that if I closed my eyes and repeated the names of every Broadway star I could remember in alphabetical order I could fall asleep before Stritch.

I'd lived in L.A. almost six months. I hated everything about it here. But… there were fewer memories. And that made it easier. I'd hoped and prayed to a vengeful God I no longer believed in that everyone would just leave. Leave the city. Leave me alone. I'd destroyed the gifts that were sent. The cards that were written. There were so many flowers and trinkets and it was all just… just tiring. I'd forgotten where I was. As if the world no longer existed outside of my bedroom. These walls were not a prison; they were a safe haven. Only a few people even had access to them, and that made me feel secure.

Until the day, Quinn Fabray and Brittany Pierce crossed my threshold. And then everything broke…

* * *

Brittany was standing in the doorway, frowning sadly at the two of us. I think Santana and I both were waiting for her to speak, but she seemed to have forgotten what it was she wanted to say. Quinn had yet to acknowledge us. I felt a long lost flash of fear at seeing her. I expected her to be holding a cup with frozen liquid in it. It was stupid, but it was there. I guess the snarl I thought I was hiding was a little more evident than I originally thought.

Kurt stepped around both of them. "Rach, don't."

His voice slashed through the silence in the room and I felt three pairs of eyes on me.

"Rachel…" Santana started.

I jumped up from my bed. I hadn't changed clothes since yesterday morning, but that was the last thing on my mind. Nothing fit anymore anyway. I was wearing one of Santana's old Columbia t-shirts and it came almost to my knees. I wasn't even certain I had shorts on underneath. I didn't care.

"Why are you here?" I spat out.

"Rach…" Kurt tried again.

I spun around and stared at both him and Santana. "What! You wanted me up. I'm up!" I turned back around. "Come to gloat? Make fun? How many years did you have to wait to finally see me fall, Quinn Fabray?" I steeled my voice.

I hadn't let myself look at her. I didn't want to notice that she looked almost exactly the same. Or maybe I did. Maybe it fueled my anger. I spun to Brittany. "Why are you here? Does it feel good to see us like this?"

Quinn's eyes were wide and she looked more shocked than I'd ever seen her. Brittany started crying.

"Rachel, no…" she shook her head. "Of course not. We heard and… god… never. We're so sorry."

Santana shook herself out of what ever stupid 'look it's Brittany' coma she was in and walked over to me. She put her hand on my arm. "Take a breath," she whispered.

I hadn't realized I wasn't breathing.

"Look at me," she said calmly. I turned to face her. "Take a breath. Another one." She wasn't breaking eye contact with me. Wasn't freaking out because the love of her life was standing two feet away from her. She was just breathing with me. Slowly, making motions with her hands. Inhale. Exhale. I loved her even more in that moment.

I nodded at her and calmed my breathing. I couldn't break eye contact with her. I couldn't acknowledge what was right behind me. She put her hands on my shoulders.

"Good?" She asked.

I nodded again.

"Okay," she put her arm around me and pulled me into her. It was easier to hide my face. "Why are you here?" She asked them. I wasn't sure which one she was addressing.

But Quinn answered her. "I think that's obvious," she finally said. Her response I expected. Her voice I'd forgotten. It cut through me like a new kind of pain I didn't want to experience. It burned and I hated what it made me feel.

My breath hitched against Santana's shoulder. I felt her pull me closer.

"Well let's pretend, for I don't know, old time's sake or something, that I want you to be more direct. You can do direct, can't you Q? Straight to the point and all that bullshit." She rubbed my hair. "Is Rachel right?"

"You couldn't believe we'd be here to hurt you, Santana," Brittany answered this time. Her voice sounded so small. "We'd never do that. We wanted to see you. To see Rachel. It's all we've thought…" she trailed off.

"Rachel," Quinn started.

I didn't turn around.

She sighed. "Rachel, I'd like very much to talk to you. I'm not here to hurt you. I'd never do that. Neither would Brittany. "

I turned to face them again. "Why?"

They made eye contact before Brittany spoke. "Kurt called us," she whispered.

Santana and I both spun around.

"What!?"

"What the fuck, Kurt?"

"You're both drowning. I'm drowning. Your fathers are drowning. You won't let anyone in…" He looked away from us. "I thought they could… if you'd just…" he didn't finish. He just stood up and walked out.

All four of us watched him go.

"God. He's such a fucking nosy little…" Santana growled and threw her up arms. "How the fuck are they supposed to make this better?" She screamed her question at me, before stomping off and wailing loudly.

It was the first time I'd seen her actually lose control. I knew she'd taken it hard. I knew she was hurting almost as much as I was. But she had been nothing but my rock since it happened. She held me. Cried with me. However, she had not broken. I watched her fall to the floor with a strange kind of grace that I didn't even know she possessed. It was oddly mesmerizing. She had her hands on her face and she was crying. Loudly. Something Santana does not do.

I moved towards her, but Brittany beat me. I watched her fall down beside her and put her arms around her. She let Brittany hold her. And it dawned on me suddenly that no one had held her. She had always been the one doing the holding. That hurt too much to think about and I had to turn away.

Quinn had moved into the doorway and was biting her lip. She was trying hard to make eye contact with me but failing miserably and I found it weirdly comforting that some things hadn't changed.

"I'm sorry we came," she said softly, watching Santana cry into Brittany's shoulder. She still wouldn't look at me. "Kurt said…"

I nodded. "He wanted to help." I turned back around and looked at the scene in front of me. I felt like a voyeur. "Let's go in here," I whispered. I didn't want to spend time with Quinn. But… Santana needed something. That something just wasn't me.

I led her into my study. No one ever came in here but me. Kurt and my daddy had made themselves suspiciously scarce. I wasn't sure that was a good thing, but I decided not to call out for them.

We sat down facing each other, coffee table between us. She allowed herself to look at me then, but her face was unreadable. I closed my eyes. It was painful to see her. "Santana's been…" I stopped. I needed this to sound right in my head before I said it out loud. Santana had been what? My other half? The reason I hadn't died yet? What had she actually been? "…great," I finally murmured.

"She's your best friend," Quinn stated softly. An observable fact, I supposed.

I nodded. I suddenly felt extremely tired. And extremely exposed. I pulled my knees to my chest and pulled Santana's old worn out t-shirt over them. "Ironic, huh?" I tried. I put my chin on my knees and wrapped my arms around my legs. I wanted to disappear inside my shirt.

She frowned. "Not really. When I first heard you two were…" she paused. "…close. I think I was the least surprised." She sighed. "Well, other than Brittany. But she's always a step ahead of me in terms of insight, I guess."

"Some things don't change."

"And a lot does." Her voice wavered.

I made eye contact with her then and I could see the tears threatening in her eyes. They were always there honestly. Hovering in sadness but never spilling. It was remarkable how beautiful she actually was. Even sad. I wondered if angels actually did exist, would they look like Quinn Fabray. Eyes shining. Beauty blinding.

"Thank you for bringing her." I whispered. "She needed it." It hurt too much to admit that.

She watched me for a moment before standing up. I had the fleeting thought that she was going to leave. Or laugh. Or roll her eyes. It was sad how easy I feel back into being that scared little girl.

She didn't though. She moved to sit next to me. I looked straight ahead. I couldn't look into her eyes.

"I won't talk about it, Rachel. It's not my place. And I regret a shitload of stuff in my life, but not having the right to even talk about it is right at the top."

I think I may have gasped. I wasn't sure what she meant. But I was also entirely sure. I couldn't look at her but I could feel her looking at me.

"Kurt called us yesterday. I mean we knew… everyone knew… but…" she sighed. If I weren't terrified, I would've found it funny that an English professor couldn't find her words. "We wanted to come right away. Of course we couldn't, could we? How would that have even worked?"

I knew enough about Quinn to know that most of her questions were rhetorical. I kept staring ahead.

"So when he called… I was in the car before Brittany closed the phone. She had to pull me out of it. She said we needed to think about this. 'What are we doing, Quinn?' Can we really help them?' I had no idea how to answer her. She was right. We did need to think. But… all I wanted was to drive over here. I let her take the lead… she's better at this kind of stuff than me." Her voice got quieter. "I just needed to see you. And not to see you to hurt you. Not to ever gloat. God, Rach… you know I would never…"

I nodded. "I was reacting. Not thinking. I need to be mad at someone. The anger helps somehow."

She put her hand on my knee. "Be angry with me. Let me do that for you at least. Let me be the one that you scream at. Hit. Whatever. I can take it. And Santana can't. And I need to help you." She barely even whispered the last part.

"Why?" I turned to face her. "Why do you need to help?"

"When you first moved here…" she sighed heavily. "I heard... I wanted to come see you. "

"You didn't…"

"Would you have let us in? Would San? We talked about it. We saw pictures… on television," she looked away. "You're really famous."

I was getting frustrated. "Are you surprised?"

She shook her head. "No. I just… it's so strange seeing someone you know… uh, knew… like that. I can't explain it."

I stiffened. "Then don't."

"I just wish that I had… that we had… we should have come. Maybe you wouldn't have let us in, but we could've tried."

I took a few deep breaths. I could feel the blood pulsing behind my eyeballs and I was terrified suddenly that I was getting a headache. They were about the only things I could call a constant in my life right now. "I get why Brittany would want that. I do…" I shook my head. "But you? I don't get that, Quinn. I've never been more than a nuisance to you. I imagine that you'd have had to tolerate me quite a bit more than you'd like if Brittany had sought out Santana."

I watched her face as I spoke. She didn't really allow any emotions to cross it. But those damn eyes… I'd always hated they way they did that. Brimmed with tears she never let fall.

And I couldn't say I wasn't angry. What right did she have to cry at my pain? She was nothing. She was the past. It wasn't fair that she thought she could share in it now. But it was so much like her. To just swoop in after all the hard work was done.

I was lying to myself. I did a lot of that.

"You couldn't possibly think that, Rachel." Her voice was soft. She rubbed my knee lightly. I felt it easier to watch her hand. "You were never dense. Self-involved, maybe. But never stupid."

I cut my eyes toward her. "I've always been extremely self-aware, Quinn."

She nodded. "And I've always hidden everything." She shook her head again. "This isn't about me. I'm asking you to lean on me. Use me as a punching bag. Or a shoulder to cry on. Whatever you need. I want to help you, Rach."

"I know you're doing this for Brittany," I told her.

She seemed shocked at that. "I'm not."

"Then you're doing it for Santana. And I do appreciate that. She does need someone stronger than me. I hope Brittany can be that for her." I felt my eyes water.

She put her hand on my cheek. "Rachel, I'm not here because of either one of them." She moved her hand back. "Let's go for full disclosure, okay?" She didn't wait for my response. "For two weeks I've watched the news. I've called every single person I could think of… anyone who had a tentative link to you. Mrs. Lopez wouldn't speak to me. Shelby hadn't heard from you. Neither had anyone else. Expect Finn, who kindly told me to go fuck myself. Mrs. Hummel felt sorry for me finally and decided to give me Kurt's number. Ask him how many times I called. He never answered. When I got that phone call yesterday…" She looked away.

"You what?" I whispered.

"I had a panic attack," she whispered back.

"Huh?"

She shook her head like she wasn't explaining. "Me – Quinn Fabray. Calm and collected. Never show emotion. I actually stopped breathing… I couldn't breathe. I had to tell myself to breathe."

I tried to process what she was saying. I wasn't sure I was ready to. I sighed. "I have them all the time," I know my voice was soft. I didn't even know if she heard me.

She smiled sadly at me but she didn't speak.

I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to scream. Or die. Or just… I shook my head and laid it back against the couch. "I really just want to sleep, Quinn. I think if I go to sleep then I'll wake up and it'll all be over. All a dream. And we can go about our lives like we were. I can take her the beach again because she loved the beach. She loved playing in the waves." My voice faltered. "the sand… the sand between her…" I was choking.

Her face was blurry. "I don't know what…"

"Don't," I whispered, swallowing the sadness. After all she was still Quinn Fabray. And I was still Rachel Berry. "No one ever says the right thing."

"Is there a right thing to say?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so."

We sat next to each other. Quietly. I rested my chin back on my knees. I could feel her staring at me. Her arm was draped over the couch behind me. Her hand was close enough to my neck that I could feel the heat coming off it.

"Is there a right thing to do?" Her voice was hesitant.

I laid my check against my knees so I could look at her. "I was such a tactile person. I always wanted someone touching me. Someone to hold me, you know? And now… Now it just feels like…" I closed my eyes.

I felt her fingertips brush my cheek. "Like what?"

"Like nothing, I guess." I breathed out.

She jerked her hand away. "Is it silly to say that I looked it up? What to say to you? Or more importantly what not to say, I guess."

I opened my eyes again. "No. That makes sense. I think, given the situation, I would do the same probably."

She smiled softly. "I'm sure you would."

I watched her eyes as she smiled at me. I was looking for something to hold on to. Some sort of sign that Quinn Fabary, the ice queen of McKinley High, was still alive in those soft features. I needed so bad to hate someone.

But… the sweet, sad girl in the wheelchair stared back at me. When she finally raised that one eyebrow… slowly… I felt the twinge of a smile playing on my lips. I swallowed it.

"Will you be honest with me?" I finally asked, breaking the silence.

I watched a flicker of hope grace her face. She nodded. "Of course."

I swallowed and took a very deep breath. I raised my head and turned to look her in the eye. "How did you feel? When you heard?"

Several emotions fought for control of her face. And she finally broke eye contact with me first. She stared ahead, squeezing her eyes shut and then opening them, several times. Her breath sounded like small gasps coming from her mouth. She took more than a few seconds to control it. "Have you ever fainted?"

I nodded. Surely she hadn't. I went to ask, but she held up her hand.

"No. I didn't. But there's this feeling, right before you fall. That swooning sensation I guess. Everything starts swimming and you know that when you wake up, you're going to be on the floor. It's almost a relief when you realize the lights are going out, cause then it's all over." She turned back to me, her eyes still shining with the stoicism I'd never understood. "Like that," she said simply. "Since the moment I found out. The words sort of drifted from the television set that morning," she struggled to maintain eye contact. "And ever since I've felt like I needed to find a seat."

I turned my entire body towards her and put my feet on the couch in front of her. I rested my chin again, so I could see her. "Why?"

She smiled sadly this time. She turned further towards me, her arms still behind us. "Is it stupid to say 'you know why?'"

"I deserve an explanation, Quinn. You didn't even know…"

"I'm not trying to take anything from you, Rachel. I just want…" She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose before she answered. "I know I'm too late. Over a decade too late, honestly… and I probably have nothing to give you that you'd want. And maybe I'm selfish. Fuck," she whispered, "… I know I'm selfish. And stupid. And arrogant. And just so goddamn proud," her voice was so soft; I held my breath so I could hear her. "I knew you were hurting. And I just… fuck… I had to try. Even if it meant nothing to you… I just… if there was once chance that it did. If there was one chance that I could make some small, infinitesimal part of it better for even a fraction of a millisecond, I had to try." She held her breath, waiting for me to answer her I guess.

I nodded. "I pretended not to miss you."

She fought the urge to look surprised. But I still knew her. "Pretended?"

"Is it stupid to say 'you know why?'"

I watched the shock now. She wasn't even trying to hide it.

"It's too late," I whispered, not breaking our eye contact. "There's really nothing left in me now." I wanted to cry again, but I suddenly felt as if every bit of moisture in my body had dissipated. "My entire life was this maniacal dream bursting with weird colors and songs and just so much energy and I woke up every morning excited and ready. And now… now I just really want to… well die. But I don't have the verve to do it. Like I know it's there and it would finally just be over but it doesn't seem like that's what I deserve. Like the peace that it would bring seems unjustified. I think I'm supposed to suffer. That's what feels right now."

She watched me speak and hesitated a few moments before responding. "You can't die," she whispered quietly.

"I've been dead for two weeks, Quinn."

She stared at me, her bottom lip between her teeth, and I knew she was thinking. I just wasn't sure of what, until she put her arm under my knees and pulled me roughly into her lap. I think I was so shocked that at first I didn't move. By the time I tried to get away, she had her other arm wrapped around my back. "Please," she whispered.

I didn't answer her. But I did put my head against the crook of her neck. I felt her fingers in my hair as she pulled my head harder against her. She smelled like jasmine.

She'd always smelled like jasmine.

* * *

One of the only things that came easy to me these days was sleep. So I shouldn't have been surprised that I fell asleep in my study.

What did surprise me was that I fell asleep with my face buried tightly against Quinn Fabray's neck.

I woke only because I could feel the soft movement of Quinn's throat against my forehead. She was speaking. I felt equal parts safe and embarrassed and so I didn't move, and neither did she. She obviously wasn't aware that I was awake.

"There is no game, Santana," she was saying.

"I don't believe you," Santana whispered sharply. "Rachel would never admit it, but…" She stopped speaking and I was afraid she knew I was awake. "… you know what, no… I'm not giving you that kind of satisfaction. I know what Brittany said but I don't believe her."

"Brittany would never lie to you," Quinn spoke softly. "You know that."

She scoffed. "I don't know much of anything right now, Q. I know I walk in here and you're holding her like a goddamn baby. I know that she's a fucking sleep. I know that she hasn't let anyone in, let anyone help, since…" she stopped. "…you don't get to be her savior. Not now. You are way too fucking late for that."

"And you do?"

"I still think about high school," Santana answered. I felt a knot growing in my throat. I should've spoken up. I didn't want her to be in any more pain. "How I treated her. How we treated her. Because you fucking told us to. You and your repressed… I hate myself for that. I love her so much. She's the best friend I've ever had. I watch her hurt and it breaks me. Nothing that's happened is fair. And no one deserves it less that Rachel Berry. And I will protect what's left her of with everything that I have. If that means breaking your fucking neck, I'll have a goddamn smile on my face when I do it."

"If I hurt her, you can." Quinn whispered.

"Don't play the martyr, Quinn. It's overdone and unattractive." I heard her stomp out.

"She's gone," Quinn whispered against my hair.

I moved away from her. "Did you know I was awake?"

I felt silly sitting her in lap now. I went to move, but she held me against her.

"You're breathing is different when you're awake," she stated.

"How long was I asleep?"

She smiled at me. "A little over an hour. Kurt and Brittany took your father to the store. They wanted to make you dinner. Santana, uh… didn't go."

I finally moved from her lap and stood up. I wasn't a child. And I was worried about Santana. I'd heard her storm out. "She's hurting too." I told her.

She watched my face. "I know that."

I nodded. "I should go…" I motioned with my head. "…find her."

She nodded back to me. Luckily the front door opened and we heard the others coming in. It saved me from the awkwardness of having to leave her in here alone. "I'll go see if I can help." She stood up. "Unless you want me… us… to go… we can go if that's…"

I shook my head. "I hope Brittany is a good cook," I smiled. "My father and Kurt can burn a kitchen down."

She chuckled. "I'll go help."

I watched her go before I went to find Santana.

She wasn't in my bedroom or hers. I wanted to call out for her, but I didn't want the others to come. It took me a minute to realize where she actually was… and I wasn't sure I wanted to go into that room. But… she needed me. And that was more important.

I made my way to the door and traced my hand over the letters that Santana had hung on the front of it when we first moved in. They were purple and had tiny gold stars on them. I felt my breath hitch, but pushed the door open softly.

Her bedroom had a bay window that looked out onto the ocean. At night, I would sit in here, her head on my shoulder, and rock her in the glider I purchased just so I could sing to to her at night. It faced the window, and I stood in the doorway now and watched the chair glide back and forth slowly.

"To be so tiny, you sure as hell make a lot of noise," she said.

"My ninja skills have been a bit off lately. Sorry about that. I'll try to reacquaint myself with super stealth so I can sneak up on you and get punched in the face."

She chuckled lightly.

"Why are you laughing?" I asked. It was hard for me to walk in the room so I decided to stay in the doorway for now.

"I'm imagining you in a black catsuit trying to sneak up on me."

"Santana Lopez," I mocked. "You have to stop underestimating me. I have all sorts of skills you're entirely unaware of. I'm sure I could surprise you."

She laughed softly again. "You always surprise me, Berry." She stopped rocking. "Case in point – I walk in to check on you earlier and you were curled up in Fabray's lap like a puppy dog."

I finally took a deep breath and just walked into the room. I could do this if I didn't look anywhere but at her. I moved in front of her and sat on the ottoman next to her feet. I tried smiling at her. "So that was weird, huh? I'm right there with you."

She nodded at me. "How do you feel about them being here?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure I've processed it, to be honest. You?"

She stared at my face for a few moments. Unlike Quinn, Santana was never afraid of eye contact. She would look at you like she was trying to read your soul. "This was not how I wanted to see Britt again." It was a true statement, of course.

"Do you believe her? Uh… whatever she told you, I mean?"

She frowned. "Britt's been a lot of things, but she's never been dishonest. She… she hasn't said much really. Just that she was worried. About you. About… me. She said Q slipped straight into 'Crazy Quinn' after they heard. She figured it would be sooner rather than later when they saw us."

"How does it feel to see her?"

She shrugged. "I honestly can't answer that. It's been a damn long time, hasn't it? I don't even know if she's… or if I care. Ain't about me anyway. It's about you. Did Quinn say anything? She didn't hurt you, did she?" Her face held a grimace. I think it would've been easier if Quinn had hurt me. Would've given Santana a purpose then.

I shook my head anyway. "She said some things that were… weird, I guess. And too much to process right now."

"The stupid bitch has loved you since sophomore year of high school. Leave it to her to take a damn decade and…" she faltered, "…other things to do something about it. She always had impeccably piss poor timing."

I watched her face to see if she was joking before I answered. "I think the shock of the day has addled your brain."

She shook her head incredulously. "You know why we didn't talk about this? Me and Kurt? We never brought her up to you because…" She stood up suddenly, hands on her hips. "I'm aware of my obsession with all things Brittany Pierce. And even though Blaine got married fucking years ago… Kurt's floating in the same boat. But you… your delusions are what my psychiatric colleagues would call 'grand.' You've been almost literally running from Quinn Fabray your whole freaking life. Everything you've done has been because of, in spite, or for her. You've lied to yourself for so long, you don't even see it anymore."

"You're wrong," I muttered, standing up as well. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to you lump me into the pathetic fallacy that is you and Kurt and your effortless pining." I growled and pushed past her. "Fuck you." I snarled, rushing out of the room.

She ran after me and grabbed my arm. "Hit me," she said, spinning me around.

"What?" I asked her. She'd lost her mind.

"You heard me!" She growled louder. "Hit me! I want to see you get angry. Anything is better than…"

And just like that, I knew what she was doing. What she always did – pushed buttons. I jerked out of her grasp. She wasn't much taller than me and so when I stepped into her space, I didn't feel as small as I would have normally. And even though she was Dr. Lopez, she was still _Santana_ Lopez. She never let anyone get in her personal space. But she was letting me.

I clenched and unclenched my fists as I watched her work her jaw. "Hit me," she whispered again.

"Fuck you," I whispered back.

She cocked her eyebrow at me. "Get mad." She shoved my shoulders with her hands.

I moved to shove her back, when Kurt rounded the corner. "Girls, we've got dinner…" He stopped suddenly. "What are you doing?!"

"Nothing." We both muttered at the same time.

I stepped away from her and turned to him. "I'm not hungry," I said, brushing past him and going to my room.

I locked the door behind me.

* * *

**I hope the heaviness doesn't scare people away. Thanks for the follows, reviews, etc. **

**Posts are sporadic so this chapter is longer.**

**Sorry for double post. Apparently copy / paste eludes me.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Please excuse the shift in point of view. It'll alternate between both of them.**

Chapter 3

I wasn't going to actually hit her. I would never. People could say what they wanted about me, but I wasn't that girl from Lima Heights. I never was that girl. I just learned how to pretend a helluva lot earlier than most people. That shit served me well in high school. It wasn't until I got to college that I realized what a fuck up I truly was. I was always slow when it came to epiphanies. I guess that and a dollar would get me a cup of coffee or something.

Kurt was staring with that wide-eyed innocence he'd perfected as Rachel brushed by him and slammed her door. "What is the matter with you?"

"Go to hell," I muttered, trying to get by.

He grabbed my arm. "Are you mental?" He held up his other hand. "Wait; don't answer that. Of course you are." He gazed at Rachel's shut door. "We're trying to help her. Not break her."

"She doesn't want help," I answered, shrugging out of his grasp.

"Is this about Quinn? Brittany?"

I let his questions sink in before answering him. It was just like him to meddle in our business. Younger Kurt would've been extra blatant about it, but years had taught him slyness. I could still see right fucking through him. "You had no right."

He stared into my eyes. "Quinn may be able to help. And Brittany could…"

"Don't," I grumbled. "We aren't the same fucking people we were in high school. We don't even know them."

He nodded. "No. We don't. But right now they're both in the kitchen with Leroy. They're cooking. And Brittany is making him laugh. He needs that."

I sighed. Seeing Brittany, especially now, was a lot more than just painful. When she put her arms around me, I felt seventeen again. Some people might've said that was a good thing. For me though it equaled a stupid kind of weakness I'd been trying for years to escape.

We heard a small click from behind the door. Kurt put his hand on Rachel's doorknob and tested it. It was unlocked. He raised an eyebrow at me. "A good sign?"

I shrugged. "I don't fucking know anymore."

He put his hand on my shoulder. "Go in the kitchen. Help them. Or get some things off your chest. I'll talk to Rachel. Maybe I can coax her out of here. She needs to eat."

I nodded and moved around him. I was still mad at him, but I figured he could talk to her better than me at this point, considering I'd just shoved her and all.

When I got to the kitchen, Brittany was stirring something on the stove. Quinn was helping Leroy clean. All movement came to a standstill when I walked in. I always knew how to enter a room. I could even give Berry a run for her money.

"Santana," Leroy started. He was watching my face. "Everything okay?"

I assumed that we'd probably been louder than I thought. I could tell there was tension in the room. Hell, it wasn't like I wasn't used to that response.

I decided to ignore his question and shrug my answer. I didn't really feel like sharing my feelings with the two _strangers_ invading our space right now.

He nodded at me. He was used to our arguments by now. Maybe they weren't always so physical. I mean I would never hurt Rachel. But put a fiery Latino and a feisty Jewish princess together and there was gonna be some yelling every once in a while. Neither one of us were saints.

"She needs to eat," he finally said, moving back to the counter. "I don't think she's eaten anything since last night."

Brittany turned back to the stove. I watched the way her arm flexed as she continued stirring. It was strange to see her in front of me. A tiny part of me wanted to close my eyes and see if she would disappear or not when I opened them. "Is that true, San?" She asked.

I ignored her question as well. "I'm pretty sure that if I went back in there and tried to force feed, we'd actually come to blows," I told Leroy. "But if you want me to try…"

He murmured to himself.

"Should I check on her?" Quinn asked. She was watching my face with one of those stone cold looks she used to, or hell for all I know still did, get.

I weighed my options here. I could say yes. Maybe she could get her out of that bedroom. Maybe she was something Berry needed. Thing was though, I knew Rach better than they did now. Better than they'd ever had. And the chances she could send her further into herself were too great.

Besides, I had some shit I wanted to say. Now that Kurt and Rachel were indisposed, it was a good time. I'd had rather Papa Berry not be present, but he was accustomed to me. If he wanted me to back off, he'd tell me.

"Nah," I finally said, sitting down on one of the island's stools. "I think Kurt's got it handled."

She caught my eye and I watched something flash in hers. "Didn't sound like anything was being handled."

I smirked. "Of course you would know, huh? Seeing as you've been all up front and present in our lives."

Brittany turned to look at both of us. "Don't guys…"

I shook my head at her. "No. Let's. I'm feeling a very Berry tangent coming on. She's left a little to be desired in that area right now. So maybe I can pick up some slack."

Leroy sat down beside me. "Maybe you should go get some air or something? Cool your jets just a bit?"

"I don't think so, Papa B." I spun my chair back around so I was making eye contact with Q again. She was standing on the other side of the counter, hands gripping the side of the countertop, staring back at me. "I think I wanna do this now."

She cocked her head to the side. A challenge. There was the old Q. The one I knew was still hiding in there after all these years. That look would've almost given me pause when I was a kid. Now… now I welcomed it. "Say whatever it is you need to say," she dared.

Leroy groaned and stood up. "I'm going to try and coax my daughter out of her bedroom." He said, leaving.

Good. Now that he was gone, shit could actually get real. "What are you two really doing here?"

Brittany turned the stove down and moved to stand by Quinn. "Are you mad that we're here?"

I sat back and crossed my arms. "What the hell do you think?" I spat out.

Pain crossed her face and I momentarily felt guilty. I used to hate making her feel like that. Used to…

"We've both already told you," Quinn answered for her.

"Wow. That's so noble of the two of you. Running in and trying to save the day. You're more than a bit late, don't you think?" I watched their faces. "Where were you when Rachel left Lima? When I moved to New York? How many times did I try to get in contact with you, Brittany? Do you even know?"

She frowned and looked away. "It hurt being with you, San."

What a fucking copout. Dealing with her was way too difficult. I couldn't do it right now. Quinn was easier. "And you? Do you know how that girl in there waited for you to come? To tell her good-bye? She almost missed her fucking train that day. And all because you were too afraid of just about every fucking thing in your life. And now you think because something has happened… something this terrible, that she needs you. Well she doesn't. She has me. She has Kurt. We've been enough for her. And we'll continue to be enough. You popping in years later and hugging her isn't gonna change that. You don't get to share in a pain you know absolutely nothing about." I was fuming.

"Are you finished?" She asked.

"Not by a long shot." I answered. "I won't let you hurt her. I know I said that earlier, but it bears motherfucking repeating. I don't know what your game is, Fabray. But I intend to keep you from playing it." My voice was shaking and I was pissed to hear it. I could feel Brittany watching me as well. I didn't want to look at her. I needed to stay mad. Mad was better.

"I don't like to see you so sad," Brittany interrupted.

"What?" I stumbled out.

"Sad. You're so sad. We're both sad too. Q and I. But we didn't know her." She looked down.

"You don't get to talk about her," I growled.

"I think we should," Quinn cut in. "I think you should."

"And what the fuck do you want to know? Huh? You wanna know how she was the reason Rachel existed? How when she smiled, Rachel swooned like there was no other person on earth?" I caught Britt's eye. "How about how she called me Auntie Tana? Or when she hugged me, she'd fist her little hands around my shirt like she was never gonna let go?" I bit back the bile in my throat. "Want to know what going to a funeral for a two year old is like? How I had to hold her mother with both hands so she didn't fall down? How I had to stand there and listen to some bastard I didn't know talk about a life cut short and losing a child and how God or whoever has some sort of fucking plan and the whole time I knew that he was full of shit and I just wanted to scream and cry and knock the fuck out of somebody, anybody, to make it all go away? Is that what you want to know? Is it?"

I was crying. I didn't want to do that twice in one day. I was so fucking glad Rachel wasn't in here now. I swiped angrily at my tears. "What about the phone call? The one I'll never forget? And I was across the country so I couldn't _fucking_ do anything about it. So I just sat on a goddamn plane and I tried not to cry because people were looking at me. And they knew something was wrong. And all the while I'm sitting there and I'm hoping… no, I'm fucking praying. Praying that they were wrong. Praying that I wouldn't find what I knew, deep down inside, I fucking knew I was going to find anyway." I screamed the last part. There was a wine glass sitting on the counter next to me and I picked it up and threw it against the wall. They both flinched. "You don't get to come in here and just fucking know. You don't." I took a deep breath and turned away from both of them.

I couldn't see through my tears.

"Oh my god! That was a Lalique!" Kurt squealed from the doorway. "Are you insane?"

He walked into the room. Neither of them spoke.

"Huh?" I asked, getting control of my breathing.

He moved to where the glass had shattered to the floor. "A Lalique. A three hundred and eighty-five dollar wine glass. You just shattered a three hundred and eight-five dollar wine glass. Seriously. Your mood swings are costing money now." He smiled as he bent down to begin picking up the pieces. "At least you didn't set fire to something this time…" he mused.

I rolled my eyes and smiled back. "You hid the matches."

He nodded. "For good reason. I'm afraid the next thing to go would be the silk curtains. It took me forever to find the right kind."

I grunted. "Someone should burn those ugly motherfuckers."

He frowned dramatically as he threw the pieces of glass into the garbage. "I'm sorry we can't all pull off badass chic." He turned to Britt and Q who were both standing there with stunned looks on their faces. "Without me, Santana's entire apartment would most likely be covered in leather or…" he scrunched his face, "god forbid, velour."

Britt nodded mutely at him. Quinn was watching him sweep the remaining pieces of glass into a dustpan.

We were interrupted by Leroy's voice. "Look who decided to join us," he said.

Rachel was following him. She'd changed clothes and had obviously had a shower. Her hair was still wet. She noticed the scene in front of us. "Another glass?" She asked Kurt, quirking her eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes. "He's having a gay fit…"

She smiled a little.

He threw the rest of the pieces away in what you could only call a dramatic flourish. "It was a Lalique!"

She raised both eyebrows then. "Oh no. Not_ the three hundred and eighty-five dollar wine glass_?" She chuckled.

"Mock away, ladies. Mock away. If you'd rather drink out of Mason Jars, I'm sure I could scour a flea market or two."

Rachel walked up and hugged him. "I'm sorry she's such an ass," she whispered.

He was stunned. We were all kind of stunned.

"I… uh…" He stuttered. I watched his arms circle her waist and he held her like he never wanted to let her go. "She is an ass," he finally said.

"_You're_ an ass," I mumbled. I couldn't have hid my smile if I'd wanted to.

"Who's hungry?" Brittany clapped, breaking Kurt and me from our revelry.

* * *

Rachel opened a bottle of wine while the rest of us were setting the table. I caught Kurt's eye.

'Why don't we drink water tonight, Rach?" Leroy tried.

She cut her eyes at him as she poured herself a glass. "Feel free," she said, motioning with her hand. "I'm good."

Kurt and I frowned at each other. Neither one of us spoke though. We knew it would be pointless. To Q and B's credit, they kept their mouths shut too.

To be honest, I wasn't the least bit hungry. I knew that I should eat though. So, like everyone else that was seated, I made a plate.

Rachel, on the other hand, decided to drink her dinner. She wasn't even going to pretend to eat. I grabbed her plate and piled some food on it anyway. I wasn't about to let her up from the table until she had something on her stomach. I didn't think I could take her getting sick on top of everything else. None of us could.

She watched me with a quirked eyebrow and picked up her fork. She took a bite but she was obviously being dramatic about it. I let her silent sarcasm go. I didn't care what the hell the reason was – at least she was eating.

And drinking. Quickly. That I _was_ watching.

"So Quinn," Leroy started, secretly eyeing his daughter, "I heard that you work at UCLA. A professor. That's amazing. Do you enjoy it?"

She nodded. "I don't like the grading. And I'm getting too young for the undergrads and their whining, but all in all it's pretty satisfying."

"It's a noble profession," he nodded.

Were they serious? Was fucking small talk the way we were about to go?

"Sometimes she lets me sit in on a class. I always learn something I didn't know. It's fun," Brittany smiled.

Apparently so.

"I bet you get hit on by all the undergrads, though." Rachel broke in. "Guys, and girls I bet, just throw themselves at you," Rachel said with a flourish of her wine glass. She took another long drink. "How many times have you dipped into that pool? I mean it's not even unethical or anything cause it is college, right?"

Fuck. She was already close to intoxicated.

Quinn faltered. "No… I haven't…" She looked away.

Brittany shook her head. "She's very professional."

Rachel scoffed. "Please. You can't tell me you haven't been tempted. All that power right there at your fingertips."

Quinn opened and closed her mouth several times but couldn't find the right thing to say.

"Rach, how bout some water?" Kurt at least tried.

She spun her head around quickly. "I. Don't. Want. Water." She snarled. She turned to Britt. "How bout you? Any young dancers catching your eye? But wait…" she held up a shaky finger. "I forgot you two live together, don't you?"

They both nodded weakly.

"Right. I bet that's super fun," she was slurring now. "Tell me Quinn, is Brittany as limber as she was in high school? I've always wondered how far back those legs would go."

Kurt dropped his fork. Quinn dropped her mouth open. Brittany looked stunned.

"Rachel, baby," Leroy turned to her. "You're being inappropriate. And you're drunk. Put the glass down."

I watched a sneer cross her face. Fucking A. This was about to get ugly. Kurt caught my eye for the third time. I was torn between just picking her up and stopping this train wreck or leaving her alone and seeing where it went.

Her voice broke me from my dilemma. "Isn't this what you wanted, Daddy? Me out of my room? Talking to you? I'm here, aren't I? We're talking." She looked at Q and Britt. "To our old friends. I mean I don't know about the rest of you, but to me it feels like old times." She took another drink. "God those were fun, weren't they?" She looked at Leroy. "Remember all those clothes you had to wash? The ones always covered in some type of sweet slushy syrup? Wasn't that fun? I loved changing clothes twice a day." She picked up her glass and motioned to Quinn. "Quinn here ordered those 'slushy attacks.' She was super creative about it. Usually it was followed by some sort of insult." She turned to look at me. "Right, San?"

Fuck.

"Stop, Rachel," I threatened.

She watched me closely. "My favorite was always Manhands. I'd go home at night and stare at my hands. Remember all that lotion I always wanted you to buy, Daddy? I was so afraid my hands were ugly."

I could hear Brittany sniffling but I didn't look at her.

"Rachel," I started. "Stop this. Now."

"God I was so pathetic, wasn't I? Trying so hard to get someone to like me. Just one of you," she motioned around the table. "All I wanted was one person to accept me." Her voice had gotten very quiet.

No one spoke. I wanted to look at the rest of them, but I didn't. I was honestly afraid to take my eyes off her.

She poured herself another glass of wine and drank half of it in one swallow. I took the bottle from her.

"Someone loves you now," I said forcefully. "So you can just stop whatever the fuck it is you're trying to do."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "I bought that wine, Santana. I bought everything in this house. If I want to drink it, by God, I'm going to."

I stood up and walked into the kitchen. I knew they could see me from the table. I made of show of pouring it down the drain. I was watching her. Her face grew red but she didn't say anything as I made my way back to the table. I picked up my fork and forced myself to take another bite of whatever the fuck it was we were even eating. I never broke eye contact with her.

She smirked and stood up moving to the wine rack. She made just as big of a show opening another bottle and drinking straight from it. I could feel everyone else's eyes on us. She sat down at the table and turned the bottle up again.

I rolled my eyes and turned away from her. "Put on your little show if it makes you feel better," I said, not looking at her.

She scoffed again, but just continued drinking.

Quinn and Brittany were watching us. Leroy and Kurt were frowning. It felt like they were all holding their breaths waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Kurt started to speak, probably just to cut through the silence but she shot him a glare that apparently was scary enough to shut him up. I pretended not to see her turn up the bottle again. I was the only one.

I continued to eat. She wanted to play this game. We might as well let her. Everyone else had given up the pretense of eating. I never gave up anything that easily.

After her fifth swallow, I turned to look at the bottle in her hand and read the label. "Italy. Remember when we bought that bottle, Rach?"

She finally faltered. "Shut up," she growled.

I ignored her, turning and smiling at our guests. "It was her latest European press tour. Kurt and I tagged along. Better than a nanny, we figured."

I could feel her gaze on me. "Shut the fuck up, Santana."

I turned to her. "No. I don't think I will. I think I'm going to tell them about gelato." I looked to Kurt. "How mad was this one after we gave Eliza all that sugar? Remember her chucking her water bottle at us?" I looked back at her. "What did you call us? The worst aunt and uncle in history?"

"Santana, maybe we shouldn't…" Kurt's lip was trembling.

"Shouldn't what?" I asked him. "Talk about anything? Let's keep pretending she didn't exist. Cause that's working out perfectly, isn't it? So let's pretend we're hungry and eat this meal that Brittany was kind enough to make us, and let's pretend Rachel isn't finishing off yet another bottle of wine. This denial we're all living in has served us all so very fucking well the last few weeks. I say we just stay there until she finally dies. Cause that's what she wants. Am I right?"

"I hate you," she whispered harshly.

"Good," I whispered back.

"What?" She growled.

"I said 'good.'" I grabbed the bottle out of her hand. "At least you fucking feel something!" I went to throw the bottle, but Kurt screamed and Quinn grabbed it from my hand.

"Lay the fuck off, Santana." She said.

"Or what, Quinn?" I made sure to hold her gaze. I knew the look I was giving her. She was standing up with the bottle in her hand like she wanted to do something.

I stood up as well. I wasn't challenging her, I was just moving to living the room. It took me ten seconds to find what I was looking for hidden in one of the drawers of a side table.

I thrust the photograph at Rachel. "Do you remember? Do you? Look at her. Do you remember that day?"

She closed her eyes tightly. Leroy gasped but I had to ignore it.

I threw the frame at Quinn. "This is what we're ignoring, Fabray. This is what we're pretending didn't happen! Take a good look at what it is Rachel's trying to drink away!"

Quinn went to pick up the picture frame but Rachel jumped up. "Don't touch it," she moaned.

Q let her hand fall.

Brittany was staring at the picture with her hand over her mouth. Leroy got up suddenly and ran out. Kurt looked conflicted for a moment, so I motioned with my head towards the door. He moved to follow him.

"Touch it, Quinn." I challenged. "Pick it up and look at it. What's she going to do? Get drunk? Throw something? Throw another little diva fit? So the fuck what?"

Quinn wasn't moving. She was watching me like should could actually kill me with her gaze. Too bad I wasn't the least bit afraid of her.

I picked the frame up myself. Rachel was shaking her head violently. Tears were streaming down her face.

I ran my finger over the picture. It was one of my favorites. Some tourist had been nice enough that day to take our photo together and Eliza was covered in gelato. Rach had been so pissed at us, but like always, when someone snapped her picture, she'd smiled her biggest smile. I was holding Eliza and forcing her to kiss her Mommy's cheek, knowing she was sticky. Kurt was rolling his eyes beside me. I felt the tears brimming, and I wanted to just walk out. I had no fucking desire to cry anymore today. I held the picture to my chest.

"Forget everything I said earlier," I told the two women staring at me. "I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can fucking fix her. I am too goddamn tired to try anymore." I shoved the chair behind me away, and stalked out of the room.

* * *

I loved this glider. It was the first thing Rach bought when she moved out here. She didn't like to come in here now. I mean I knew she had earlier, and I was proud of her… but… fuck I should've told her that.

I bent over and picked up a stuffed lamb that Hiram had bought E the last time they were here. She carried it around everywhere, much to Rachel's chagrin. She was always muttering about germs and dirt and… I closed my eyes and put the lamb against my nose. I was too stuffed to smell it properly and for some reason that made me cry harder.

"Hi," I heard as I opened my eyes.

Unlike Rachel, who couldn't be quiet to save her life, Britt had apparently not lost the gift of stealth. She was sitting in the window seat across from me.

"Shit," I muttered, wiping my eyes. "You're still good at sneaking up on people."

She smiled at me. "It's a talent." She held out her hand for the lamb I was holding. For some reason, I handed it to her. "Remember my stuffed duck? Mr. Quackers. I wonder if my mom still has him?"

"His name was Pie. We were never really sure why," I told her.

She ran her fingers over the lamb before looking at me. "It's a good name," she offered.

"I'm sorry," I began. "For earlier. I know you would never want to hurt Rach." I wanted to make eye contact, but the sun hadn't set yet so I settled for looking at the waves.

"Neither would Quinn."

I frowned. "I don't trust Quinn."

"Okay," she said. "I guess you don't have to. I'm really proud of you, Santana." She whispered.

"I acted like an ass," I told her.

"Yeah. You did. I'm not talking about dinner. I just mean… everything. You've been a good friend to Rachel. I can tell you love her." I could feel her eyes on me. She had this way of looking at you, of making you look back at her, and it was unsettling.

"I do," I whispered.

She nodded again. "I remember when Rachel started getting famous. One day Q and I were grocery shopping and there she was on the front of some tabloid. The headline said something like 'Broadway's Darling in Sapphic Love Tryst.'"

I laughed. "I remember that. Her manager had a fucking fit."

"Q bought the magazine and after we checked out we sat in the car and read it. She dropped the bottle of water she was drinking when we saw your picture with Rachel." She was still smiling as she spoke. "I told her she was wrong. That you two weren't together." She watched my face. "I wasn't sure though. It just hurt to see her sad."

If had been anyone else, I would have sworn they were fishing for information. It was Britts though. And of course, she was being completely genuine. And even though I hadn't seen her years, I knew that I didn't have to say anything. So I didn't.

"Quinn loves her, San. She's been real sad for a long time now." Now she looked away. "Not sad like me. I can be happy. It's easy if you try. But Q can't. She never learned how."

I didn't want to talk about Quinn Fabray. "Are you single?"

She smiled at the question. It hurt to see how innocent she still was. "Yeah. I mean I haven't always been. You and me, though. That was a really long time ago, right?"

I nodded. "Right."

"Still, sometimes I think about if I'd have just been smarter about everything. You know?"

"You were always the smartest person I knew." I wasn't lying.

She smiled at that. "I like purple. Did Eliza like purple too?"

E's room was purple. It killed Rachel. But the kid screamed any time she put her in or around something pink. I told her it was divine retribution. She'd put her hands on her hips and say 'what kind of God would be that cruel, Santana Lopez?' I'd answered, 'A damn funny one.'

"She did."

"That must've driven Rachel crazy," she giggled.

"Yeah."

She stood up and moved to the ottoman Rach had sat on earlier. It felt weird having her that close to me. I knew that she'd held me earlier, but I wasn't sure I could do that again. I did let her put her hand on my knee though.

"I know sometimes that I don't know what to say. It's weird cause Q always has the words. When I mess up she says 'No B. You mean…' and she fixes it for me. I asked her what I was supposed to say to you guys when we saw you but for once she didn't know. I don't think it's good to say things like 'it'll be okay' cause it probably won't. Some people say 'don't cry' or whatever, but that's not good either. You should cry. So I'm just gonna say what I'm really thinking cause usually that works best for me. And if you want me to stop, I totally will, San. I don't want to make it worse."

I looked away but nodded anyway.

She took a deep breath. "I think it's really cool that you got a chance to love someone like you loved Eliza, S. I can tell you loved her. It's really obvious. And I know that it hurts that she's gone. But I'm really jealous that I didn't get that chance. I know Q is too. And sometimes I think that having a chance like that, even if it's taken away, it still makes you really lucky. Cause I know she's gone now, but you still get to love her. And even though it hurts a lot, I think you know that she loved you. And that's gotta feel kinda awesome when you really think about it. Nobody can ever take that away from you. There are so many kids in this world that don't get a chance to be loved the way she was. I guess I'm just saying that I bet she knew that everybody loved her. I bet she was really smart and she knew it. I kinda wonder if she was like an angel or something. I mean she'd totally have to be if she was Rachel Berry's daughter. Right?"

The tears were running down my cheeks. I'd cried more today than I had in the last week. Everything hurt so damn much.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, San." She said softly. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head and grabbed her. "Thank you," I whispered against her neck. "I'm so glad you're here."

She nodded against me. "And Q? Right?"

I laughed into shoulder. "Don't push it."

"Okay," she said softly, rubbing my back.

I'd really missed her. I could at least admit that.

* * *

**Thanks for the awesome reviews. If I haven't answered everyone yet, I will. Just busy and wanted to post this chapter. **

**Next chapter will alternate between flashbacks (Quinn and Brittany's reaction) and present.**


	4. Chapter 4

**So flashbacks will be in italics and usually be third person point of view.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything. (I keep forgetting to write this)**

* * *

Chapter 4

_Quinn Fabray opened the front door to her home after her midmorning run, and heard the television blaring from the back of the house._

_'Damn, Britt. Think the neighbors can hear?' She thought making her way into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge._

_"Brittany," she called into the house. "Britt!" She yelled._

_"In the living room!" Brittany called back. _

_Quinn rolled her eyes and chuckled. Brittany's work schedule was erratic and so she often slept late. She was tickled the girl was even up this early on a Saturday. She glanced at the clock on the microwave. Noon wasn't really that early for anyone else, but for Britt…_

_She poured herself a cup of coffee and made her way into the living room._

_"What you watching?" she asked, plopping down on the couch beside her._

_"There was an accident this morning. On the I-10." Britt answered, still staring at the television. "Someone drove the wrong way down the exit ramp. It caused a really bad pile-up." Her voice was shaking._

_Quinn sighed. It still stung to see the woman get upset about things like car accidents and plane crashes. She rubbed her hand down her arm. "Was anyone hurt?"_

_Brittany nodded, tears shining in her eyes. "Ten people dead. More injured." She turned. "I think some of the victims were kids. That's what the reporter said. Unconfirmed reports."_

_Quinn followed her gaze back to the TV. "That's awful." She turned back to Britt. "Maybe we should turn it off. It's a beautiful day outside and I don't want you to…"_

_Her voice was cut off by the familiar chime of the 'Breaking News.'_

_"Authorities have confirmed that one of the victims of this morning's crash on the I-10 was Eliza Patricia Berry, daughter of actress/singer Rachel Berry. Police reports obtained indicate that Berry's daughter Eliza, age 2, was a passenger in the vehicle registered to one Maria Martinez, age 25, also deceased. Sources close to the investigation confirm that Ms. Martinez worked for the Berry family as the young child's caregiver. The late Martinez's vehicle is believed to be one of the first struck by the SUV that entered the busy freeway via an exit ramp this morning, causing a four car pileup and effectively closing down all west bound lanes of the interstate. A statement was released by a spokesperson for the Berry family._

_"This morning at approximately 8 a.m. an accident took the life of our dear Eliza, as well as her beloved nanny Maria. Words cannot begin to express the pain, grief, and sorrow that we are experiencing at such a loss. Lizzie was truly the star in our heavens and we are stunned and saddened at her sudden passing. We pray for strength and courage in the coming days as we mourn the loss of our angel. Our prayers and thoughts are with all of those families that lost loved ones in the accident. God bless all the victims of today's senseless tragedy. Thank you._

_"Ms. Berry's publicist denied further comment on what…" The voice of the reporter was drowned out by Brittany's gasp._

_When Quinn went to put her hands over her mouth, she dropped the coffee mug she'd been holding. She was pretty sure the liquid was hot, and she briefly wondered if she'd burned her legs. But she didn't feel anything. _

_Except for the overwhelming sense that she was falling._

* * *

I picked up the bottle and turned it up again. Fuck Santana. Fuck all of them. I liked the fuzzy feeling I had right now.

"Put it down, Rachel." Quinn. I forgot she was here.

"I forgot you were here, Quinn Fabray," I slurred. "Pretty, pretty Quinn Fabray. _Prettiest girl in the whole wide world._ " I sang. "Still…" I muttered, taking another drink.

She moved around to my side of the table. "Give me the bottle," she said. It was an unmistakable HBIC tone.

I scrunched my eyes so I could focus on her. "No. Go away. Go get Brittany and go home. You guys are making everything bad. And you're making Sannie cry. It's hard when she cries. I can't take it. Kurt, he cries a lot. But not Auntie Tana. She's always the strong one. One time Eliza fell and I cried cause she was crying. And then Kurt started crying. But not San. She just rolled her big brown eyes at us and scooped Lizzie up. She was always making the booboos all better. She's a good doctor." I took another drink. "She's a really good…" Oh god… I couldn't…

"Do they let you drink like this every night?" Her voice startled me. I kept forgetting she was here.

I turned the bottle up again. Empty. I frowned at her. "Hold that thought," I said.

"Rachel where are you going?" She asked, following me.

I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of White I'd opened yesterday. "Here it is."

She tried to take it from me. I guessed that years of grueling training made me still kind of strong. That or all that grading of papers made her kind of weak. I was quicker. "Please stop drinking, Rach. Just stop and we can talk."

I shook my head and escaped her grasp. "Nope. Nope. Nope. This is mine. And you can't have it, Quinn. Get your own."

She sighed. "Okay. How about this? How about we go out onto your deck and get some fresh air? We can put the bottle down for just a minute and then maybe later, if you still want it… well, then you can have it back."

I watched her face closely. "Promise?"

She nodded. "I promise. If this is what you need, I'm going to let you have it. Promise." She slid the bottle out of my hand.

"Okay, Finn Qubray. I believe you."

She laughed. "Okay. So I'm not sure I can ignore the fact you just called me Finn." I looked at her funny, "Fine let's go outside and get that fresh air now."

I nodded and let her take my hand. "Do you know your name rhymes with Finn? Finn and Quinn. That's really weird. I always thought that was weird. Sometimes I'd call him Quinn cause I was always thinking about you and it just sounded so much like Finn and he'd get that look on his face. You know the one. He used to get it a lot. He doesn't get it so much anymore."

She opened the door but turned around to look at me before going outside. "You said my name?"

"Quinn," I answered.

"Huh?"

"You said, 'say my name.'"

She looked confused. "No I said, 'you said my name.'"

"Quinn."

"What?"

"I said your name. You told me to." I was giggling.

"No I said…" She shook her head. "You know what? Never mind. Let's go outside."

She held my hand and helped me out the back door. The sun was just setting and the water was orange now. It wasn't as great as pink, but it was okay. She slipped a water bottle in my hand. I didn't know where it came from.

"Where'd you get this? Is it poisoned? You're not gonna poison me are you? That would not be very nice of you, Quinn."

"Okay, so no. I'm definitely not poisoning you. I got it out of the refrigerator. You need to drink it, okay? Can you do that?" She was nodding at me.

I started nodding back to her. I had no idea why we were nodding.

She sat down on the chaise closest to the railing and patted the seat next to her. "Why don't you sit down?"

I watched her hand. "I don't like it out here." I walked over to where she was standing though. I stumbled a bit and I felt her hand catch me as she put her arm around my waist.

"Whoa." She whispered. Once I was seated, she turned to look at me. "Why not?"

Huh?" Why was she asking me questions?

"Why don't you like it out here?" She asked.

I shrugged. "Who said I didn't?"

She was watching my face. I wasn't sure why. "Okay, cause you just…" She shook her head. "Let's back up just a bit. I'm trying to rationalize with someone who is obviously drunk," she whispered. I think she was whispering to herself? It sounded that way. She turned to smile at me. "What would you like to talk about, Rach? You can say whatever you want. Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay, but I don't know what you want me to say." I blew a piece of hair out of my eye. It kept falling back though.

She reached over and tucked the hair behind my ear. "I just want to listen to you. If you'd rather just sit here, that's good too. We can do that if you want?"

I moved to sit with my back against the chaise. She was still sitting at the foot. I could see the outline of her face as she stared at the ocean. "When are you leaving?" I asked her.

She twisted around to look at me. "Uh… do you want me to go? I can go if you want." She started to get up. "Just let me get your dad or Kurt. You don't need to be out here…"

I sat up. "No. I don't want you to go. I was just asking. Don't you have like a real life or something? Like a job you have to go back to? People and stuff?" I shook my head. I must've drunk a whole lot. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to say. "I don't have a life anymore. I mean I don't want to work and I don't really have to work. I think Kurt and Santana want to stay here in L.A. with me. So do my daddies. But we all just kind of sit around and are sad. You shouldn't stay here. There's no reason to make anyone else sad."

"I was pretty sad before I came here," she told me. "I'm not afraid of that."

"Yeah. I guess not. You've always been sad, haven't you? Even when you were the meanest girl in the school, you were also the saddest."

She nodded but didn't otherwise acknowledge that I'd said anything. I figured she didn't want to talk about it. She was looking out at the ocean. I followed her gaze and was reminded suddenly why I didn't want to be out here.

"We liked to make sandcastles," I whispered.

She swiveled her whole body around so she could see me. "Did you?" Her voice was hesitant. I realized it was because she was afraid I would stop talking. I didn't want to stop talking.

"We had all these toys for the sand. You know, like shovels and buckets and stuff. But she liked to use those little plastic Solo Cups for some reason. Every single time we'd get it finished though… no matter how long it took… and trust me sometimes it took a while, I mean I am a perfectionist and I didn't like the doors being below the windows or anything. Who's ever seen a house like that? That's crazy. Giant walls, with tiny windows and a little door. No one would live in a house…" I shook my head. "What was I talking about?"

"Sandcastles," she whispered.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Uh, every time we'd get them finished, she'd run through it and just knock it right over. And then she'd fall over and giggle. It was so adorable. I love when she giggles." I felt my chest tighten. "Giggled. Not giggles, cause she can't…" I realized what I was saying and quickly put my hand over my mouth.

I felt her pull my hand away. She was staring me straight in the eye. "Can I be honest?" She asked me very softly.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Well… I'm going to be. If you want me to be quiet, just say it. Okay? Just scream and tell me to shut up or jump on top of me and start hitting me or something." She winked at me.

"I would never hit you, Quinn. But I will scream, if you request it." I looked down. "Go ahead."

"Can you look at me first?"

I fought the urge to close my eyes. I didn't want to look at her but I figured I should. I just didn't know why I was doing it. The last of the sunlight was reflected in her eyes when I finally made contact again. It was almost like they were on fire. It made my stomach ache in a weird way.

"I know this is awful. All of it. I only know that because I can't imagine it being any other way. I don't get to understand it. I'm very, very sorry it happened. I wish that it didn't. I know that's a crazy thing to wish for. Unrealistic. But I'd take it away if I could. You don't deserve it. No one does. But especially not you, Rachel." She frowned. "It's not fair and it's definitely not the natural order of things. So I'm sorry that Eliza died," she said slowly. "I am so sorry. And I just wanted to offer my silence. Because maybe it's best if you just sit here with someone and not worry about having to talk or what to say. And when you want to talk, I'll listen. I won't know how to fix it, because no one can. But if you want to talk about your daughter, how beautiful and wonderful I know that she was, I would like nothing more than to hear about her." She looked closely at me. "You have no idea how much I meant that. But you don't have to say anything. And you and I, we can just sit out here and watch the waves, if you want. For as long as you want." She'd moved closer to me. "That's what I can do for you. Just be someone… another body… to show you you're not alone. You don't have to ever feel alone when I'm here." She finished.

And some point I'd stopped breathing. I was trying to breathe. I really was but it was hard. She must've noticed.

"Can you take a deep breath for me?" She wasn't panicking. She was just breathing deeply. "In. Out. In. Out."

I tried to mimic her but I just ended up shaking my head. I could feel the panic set in.

"Okay. Okay," she said softly, putting her hands on my shoulder. "Breathe with me." She took my hand and put it on her chest. "Do you feel me breathing. In and out, Rachel. You can do it." She was taking deep, even breaths.

I felt her chest rise and fall, and copied her movements. The rush of air felt like a lifesaver and I felt my lungs start to expand.

She continued breathing with me for a few seconds. "Better?"

I nodded, not really trusting my voice.

"Good." She took my hand in hers. Her thumb was tracing small circles on my palm, but she'd already turned away to look back at the water.

I followed her gaze again. "Quiet is good," I told her.

I saw her nod out of the corner of my eye. "Yeah," she whispered back. "I like it."

* * *

_The first few times Quinn's phone rang, she didn't hear it. Brittany had run into the kitchen and grabbed a wet towel and was busy wiping her legs._

_"You spilled your coffee," she said, through stray tears. "Your legs are red. You should get in the shower. Run some cool water…" she choked. "Quinn? Are you listening to me?"_

_Quinn's hands were still over her mouth. The only thing she was really thinking was that if she moved them, she'd vomit. "Huh?" She finally asked, taking them away._

_"Does it hurt? I think you burned your legs." Brittany was crouched in front her. _

_She shook her head. She couldn't stop looking at the television. At some point, Brittany had muted it, though she wasn't sure when. _

_"Our phones keep ringing," Brittany told her. "Blaine's called me four times. So has Artie. I think Puck's calling you." She handed Quinn her phone. "You should answer it. Okay? Cause I need you to talk. You're scaring me."_

_She stared at the phone in her hand as if she didn't know what it was. "I don't…" She shook her head._

_The other woman frowned. "Just answer it, okay? I'm gonna call Blaine back."_

_Quinn finally nodded and as the phone vibrated again, she slid her finger across the screen. "Hello," she whispered. _

_"Are you watching this?" Puck asked. _

_"Yeah."_

_"Holy shit. I can't… Fuck, Q. Did you know she was even out there? In L.A.?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I mean I'm watching it on CNN. But you got like the regular news there, don't you? They could be wrong, right? Maybe it wasn't her? What would she be doing in L.A? Was it her? Do you think it's really her?"_

_"Yeah." _

_"I just can't... I don't wanna believe it," he whispered back. "They released a statement. She got people that do things like that for her? Release statements?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I don't even know what to say. I never thought… Damn. Poor Rach. I saw pictures of her. With her daughter. Have you seen those? The ones where they're leaving dance class? Rach had those big giant sunglasses on. She was wearing a little purple hat… Eliza…"_

_"Yeah."_

_"You okay, Q?" He asked softly. "You don't sound so good."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Uh, Mike's calling me. You sure you're good? I mean I could call you back or not take it or…"_

_"No. It's fine. I'm glad you called," she said, sliding the phone to off._

_She sat it down next to her on the couch. She could hear Brittany in the other room talking quietly to someone. She turned back towards the television and watched the slowmotion replay of the accident. Somewhere there was a street camera. It had caught everything. The first car the SUV hit was a blue BMW. It was a four door and the windows were tinted. She watched as the driver tried to swerve out of the way. The SUV was going too fast. When the BMW fishtailed, the SUV hit one side. A truck hit the other._

_Quinn stood up, walked slowly to bathroom, and vomited._

_On the screen, they reran the accident once again._

* * *

I wasn't sure how I got in bed. I knew someone must've carried me. I didn't even realize that I'd most likely slept all night, until I saw the sun peaking through the blinds in my bedroom. The curtains were still open from the day before.

I felt someone stir beside me.

Santana.

She rubbed her eyes. "Morning," she groaned, sitting up.

I nodded at her. "Hi." I turned my body so I was facing her. "How'd I get in here?"

"Apparently Brittany is still strong as ever. I think you passed out outside or something. I figured it was cause Fabray was boring the shit out of you." She smirked. "She came in and asked Britt if she could carry you inside. B picked you up like you didn't weigh anything." She shrugged. "I could've done it too, you know."

I smiled at her. "I like that you slept in here..."

She frowned. "Well you weren't awake to throw me out. Plus, figure it pissed Quinn off so it was a win/win for me."

I swatted her arm. "You're a troublemaker."

She rolled her eyes. "I hope to hell you're not just figuring that out. I mean I knew you were slow and shit but…"

I shook my head at her. She was ridiculous. "What time did they leave?"

"They didn't," she whispered conspiratorially. "Leroy went and offered them the other guest room."

I didn't know how to feel about that. "Does it help? Having Brittany here? She seems very concerned about you."

"I don't know yet. Maybe. Maybe not. She's good at this sort of thing, I think." She was frowning.

I rubbed my temples. I had a slight headache, but nothing like I'd been waking up with. I remembered the water Quinn had made me to drink last night. I guessed I wasn't as dehydrated as I normally was after two bottles of wine.

There was a soft knock on my bedroom door. "Come in," I called.

Brittany walked in holding two cups. "I made you smoothies. I can cook breakfast if you want, but I figured this may be better right now."

"Thanks," Santana said, sitting up and taking one.

I took the other one. "Thank you, Brittany. That was very kind."

She shrugged and smiled back at me. "It was nothing."

I took a sip. It was actually a way better smoothie than I'd had in a long time. I smiled at her. "It's really good. When Santana makes them I often wonder if the main ingredient is sand or chalk."

Santana threw a pillow at me.

"She's throwing pillows at you now, but last night, she was rubbing your hair and singing to you. Isn't it funny how she's still two totally different people?" Brittany asked me.

I smirked at Santana. "It's definitely a juxtaposition. I think she's literally half-devil, half-angel. Which makes me half-love her, half-hate her most days."

Brittany smiled at me when Santana growled and threw another pillow.

"Where's… uh, my daddy? And Kurt? Where's Kurt?" And Quinn? I wondered. Where was she?

She sat down on the bed with us. "They went back to our house to get some stuff. And then Kurt said he had to stop by a boutique one of his friend's worked at so he could get Santana a suit or something. I don't know."

I turned to Santana and raised my eyebrow at her. "A suit?"

"Interview," she mumbled around her straw.

"Santana..."

"Don't," she said. "Just don't. It's not up for discussion…" she noticed I was about to speak. "Which means we're not discussing it, Berry. I can get a freaking job anywhere. You know that. My specialty is in demand."

Santana finished her surgical residency in pediatric cardiology. She was right about it being in demand. Not many surgeons had the skill, patience, and heart (pun, slightly intended) to do what she did.

I decided not to argue with her. I knew she'd made her mind up two weeks ago. If I were being honest with myself, she'd made her mind up even before.

Brittany smiled sweetly at her. "I think it's great you're moving here."

Santana brightened, but tried to hide it.

"Are you doing anything besides touring, Brittany?" I asked her. I knew she was a backup dancer for a few artists.

"Our next tour is not for another month. I work with a couple of the studios here. Television choreography mostly. Music videos. A couple of award shows here and there. I've got a meeting next week, but until them I'm completely free." I always loved how easy it was for her to be happy. Her smile was sweet and genuine. It was something we'd been lacking around here. "Quinn's leave started last week too."

"Leave?" Santana asked.

Brittany nodded. "She's been working with a few of the schools here in the city. Some type of reading something or other. I don't really understand it." She shrugged. "Anyway, after she finished, it was really successful so she got asked to write a few articles and stuff. You know for those professor magazines…"she looked thoughtful. "Journals. Anyway, they asked her to work on a book for people who teach English. How to do it and stuff. So she's doing that. She's been really excited about it and the university likes for their professors to do stuff like that, so they gave her a leave."

Santana rolled her eyes dramatically.

I ignored her and nodded at Brittany. "That's good. For her, I mean. It's nice she gets to do that."

"Yeah," she answered. "She spends a lot of time reading and writing. When I'm not home, I don't think she talks to anybody. I mean sometimes she'd do stuff with other people, but…" She shook her head. "I think she'd be mad if she knew I was telling you this."

"So." Santana mumbled, still drinking her smoothie.

Britt shrugged at her. "Lots of things about Q are the same. Like she's still quiet. And kind of sad. But there's a lot that's different. I mean, she's dated…"she stopped and looked at me poignantly. "Is that okay? If I tell you this stuff?"

I nodded. I wasn't sure why it wouldn't be okay. "Sure."

"Okay, well she doesn't really do a lot now. I mean she's dated a few women here and there but it's never lasted that long."

That statement caused both Santana and I to choke on our smoothies.

"Women?" Santana coughed.

Brittany nodded. "Yeah, so at least that's the same I guess."

We were both shaking our heads. "Uhh…" I started. "Last I checked, Quinn wasn't gay, Brittany."

She looked at me like I was speaking another language. "Of course she was."

Santana shook her head. "I mean I knew she had that thing for Berry, but come on B… repressed doesn't even begin to describe…"

Brittany was still looking at us in utter confusion. "Quinn's always been gay, San. Ever since she was like in elementary school. It was really obvious. She just didn't know it." She shrugged again. "Now she does though. Not that she really does much about it. But… she at least knows and stuff now."

We both nodded at her. Mute. I had absolutely no idea what to say. That was definitely a first.

Brittany studied our faces. "How about I make you a real breakfast?"

We looked at each other, twin eyebrows raised.

"Sure," we both answered.

I realized suddenly I was glad Brittany was here. It was the first day I'd wanted to get out of bed. That felt nice.

* * *

_Both women were sitting on the couch drinking coffee and eating bagels when Quinn's phone vibrated on the table._

_She jumped for it, but noticed it was just Mercedes calling back. _

_A few years after Quinn graduated from Yale, she'd accompanied Brittany to Atlanta for one of her tours. She was more than surprised to find Mercedes Jones waiting for them after Brittany's performance._

_"Hey," Quinn answered. _

_"Hey girl," Mercedes said. "Any word?"_

_"No," she answered, sighing. _

_After high school, Mercedes had moved to Atlanta to focus on a singing career that never got off the ground. What she did do though, was meet a man who was in the music industry. Five years later, she'd gotten married. Quinn used to joke she was one of those 'Housewives of Atlanta,' but Mercedes was far from the diva she was in high school. Now she preferred attending soccer games and PTA luncheons. It still freaked Quinn out._

_"I talked to Sam." Mercedes had always kept in touch with Sam. Quinn knew he'd moved back to Tennessee, but she wasn't really sure what he was doing. "He doesn't really talk to anyone now. So he's a no go. My momma tried to call Mrs. Hummel and Burt, but they're in California. So is Finn."_

_"I know. I talked to him before he flew out. He told me to go to hell. And a few other things I probably shouldn't repeat." Quinn answered her. She couldn't exactly blame Finn Hudson for the things he'd said. She knew he'd always loved Rachel. And he'd never forgiven her for how she'd treated the girl in the past. She appreciated that about him. Even if she'd wanted to crawl through the phone and choke his ass._

_"Is it weird they kept in touch?" Mercedes asked her._

_"I don't know. I guess not. He's got a son. Lucas, I think his name his. I saw his picture on Facebook. He's cute." _

_At one point, Quinn had also seen a picture of Lucas with Rachel's little girl. It was obviously taken at Christmas, and both of them were wearing little Santa hats and clapping at the camera. She remembered wondering what it would feel like to hold the little girl. She figured she'd probably never let her go, if she'd have been given the chance. He'd taken the photograph down the day of Eliza's accident._

_Mercedes sighed this time. "Well I'm guessing being friends with Rachel Berry means that social media is off limits. Rachel had a twitter," she sighed. _

_Quinn knew this of course. She also figured that based on the tweets, someone else was running it. _

_Mercedes continued,"but it's gone. Deactivated or whatever. I can't find much of anything on Santana or Kurt. I mean there's work addresses and stuff for Santana. I still can't believe she's surgeon. I could call her office, but..."_

_"Santana's the last person I want to talk to." She had called Santana's mother though. The woman had sworn in Spanish and hung up the phone. "Mrs. Lopez wouldn't speak to me anyway. I tried."_

_"The media is a circus, isn't it?" Mercedes asked. The woman was right. You couldn't turn on the television without hearing Rachel's name or seeing that dreaded video of the accident now that they were certain which car the little girl had been in. "It's all over everything. They keep playing that damn accident over and…"_

_Quinn cut her off. "I know."_

_"You could've gone to the funeral, Q."_

_"No, I couldn't. Even if I wanted to. It's a private ceremony. And I don't think…" She took a drink of coffee. She was having a hard time focusing these days. The funeral was today. She fond it odd that it was raining. It rarely rained in L.A. "I do want to do something though. I can't just sit here."_

_"I keep thinking about it," Mercedes observed. "What she must be feeling. I mean it's got to be the most god-awful pain, you know? I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do…" _

_Quinn could. She knew what she'd do if something like that happened to her. That's why she needed to see Rachel. She was worried Rachel would do the same thing._

_She murmured her agreement if only to get Mercedes to stop talking. _

_Brittany was flipping through the channels. She stopped on one of the entertainment networks. _

_"After Rachel Berry's success on Broadway, she shot to international fame with the sleeper hit _Hideous Beauty_, which secured her a best Oscar nomination and win. Berry's newest film, _The Following_, is set to be released next month. Many wonder if the diva will attend the premiere. There's been speculation that following her daughter's accident last Saturday, that Ms. Berry was placed on suicide watch. Her publicist has denied comment._

_"Up next, an in-depth look at Hollywood's tragic darling."_

_Quinn felt sick. It was vicious and disturbing. "Turn it," she muttered to Brittany._

_She nodded and changed the channel._

_And the next channel..."The funeral for Rachel Berry's daughter, Eliza was held today in Los Angeles. Though the ceremony was private, video of the star has surfaced. Seen entering the synagogue is Berry and her sometime companion, New York cardiologist, Dr. Santana Lopez. Speculation as to the relationship of the two women has been rampant since Berry announced that she was pregnant three years ago. The identity of the father has never been revealed. Several photographs of Dr. Lopez and Eliza Berry have surfaced though." _

_Brittany went to change the channel again, but Quinn put her hand on the woman's, stopping her._

_"You see this shit?" Mercedes asked, probably watching the same channel._

_Quinn nodded, realized Mercedes couldn't see her, and answered "Yeah."_

_The video was grainy and she could just make out the figure of two women getting out of the back of a limousine. Someone else was following them, but the camera was zoomed in on Rachel and someone she assumed, based on the posture and fierce arms around Rachel, was definitely Santana. Both women were dressed in black dresses and had on hats and sunglasses. The screen flashed then to several pictures of Santana with a dark-haired green-eyed little girl, Quinn recognized as Rachel's daughter. In one of the pictures, Santana was leaving the same dance studio that Rachel had been photographed leaving earlier this month. She was carrying Eliza, and the little girl had her head buried on her shoulder, whispering in Santana's ear. The woman was smiling. In another, they were at a parade, Quinn could tell that it was definitely Disney, and Santana was holding her hand, and growling at photographers as Rachel stopped to sign an autograph. There was another of the little girl dressed in purple bathing suit, walking on the beach with Santana following her. _

_Quinn gripped the phone tighter. _

_"Satan certainly hasn't changed, huh?" Mercedes asked._

_Quinn didn't answer her. What she wanted to say was, no, she hadn't changed. Santana had still managed to take everything that was hers. But she felt sick even thinking it. _

_After Quinn let Mercedes go, she remembered that Brittany was sitting there next to her watching the TV as well._

_"You okay, Britt?" She asked her. _

_Brittany nodded. "She was really pretty, wasn't she?"_

_Quinn frowned. "Yeah." She was. She'd looked so much like Rachel. Quinn wondered who her father was. Did he care? She wanted to find him and kill him just so she had something to do._

_"I wonder where she got those green eyes though?" Brittany asked. "They kinda look like…" She trailed off. "I wish they'd leave them alone. That's sad they took Rach and San's pictures at the funeral. They shouldn't do things like that."_

_Quinn agreed with her there. "I need to do something." She told her. "I'm going crazy here."_

_Britanny nodded sagely. "I think you passed crazy a few days ago."_

_"Touché, Britt."_

_"Just calling it like I see it." She took a sip of coffee. "Your mom said she was going to call Mrs. Hummel when she got back, right?"_

_Quinn nodded._

_"Have some faith, Q. We'll see them if we're supposed to. Okay?"_

_Quinn nodded. She didn't believe in fate. She believed in action. _

* * *

Santana decided to take a shower so I followed Brittany back into the kitchen.

"Would you like some coffee?"

I nodded at her. It felt sort of strange having Brittany serving me in my own kitchen. I moved to the refrigerator and got the soy creamer. I watched her hum to herself as she opened the cabinet to find the things she needed for breakfast.

"Is it weird I know where stuff is?" She asked me. She pulled out the ingredients to what I assumed were pancakes. The mix was vegan. "Leroy showed me yesterday. And sometimes I'm nosy about stuff that won't hurt anyone. I'd never like read your diary or anything. But I do like to know where you keep your blender. Cause you never know when there's gonna be an emergency..."

I was confused but decided it didn't warrant further questioning. It was Brittany after all. So I shrugged. "It's okay. I don't really know where anything is anymore."

She nodded. What I'd always liked about Brittany was that she took what you said at face value. She obviously hadn't changed as far as that was concerned. "You're daddy said you weren't strictly vegan anymore, but I think vegan pancakes are yummy. So why not, you know?"

I nodded again. It was hard to argue with that kind of logic. "I didn't really get a chance to talk to you yesterday," I started. "Thanks for coming. It means a lot to Santana, even if she doesn't say so." I took breath. "And that means a lot to me."

"I've been really worried about all of you. It's hard to think what would be the right thing to do. I mean Q was having a meltdown, so I had to think about her too."

"Meltdown?"

"Yeah," she stopped stirring the batter momentarily while she watched my face. "I guess it seems like we don't really have a right to be upset, maybe. I'm sorry about that. We can't help how we feel. Quinn likes to ignore those kind of feelings but after we saw what happened on TV that day, she just sort of stopped ignoring them."

I mulled over those words. Did they have a right? I couldn't really say. I wasn't even sure what they were feeling. "I don't really know what to say," I finally answered.

"I didn't think you would. You have a lot in your head right now. I'm not trying to add to it. So, I don't mean anything bad. I just think I have to talk for Q sometimes. And that's what she calls ironic, I guess. Cause she's the one with all the words but she can never say them the right way. She just gets angry and then she says all these things she can't take back. Or she hides and pretends like it'll go away." She was watching my face. "Now she just wants to make you better. I know she can't really. And you know she can't. But she doesn't." She looked back down to the batter and continued stirring.

"I don't understand why," I whispered to her.

She looked back in my eyes. "You kinda do. You just have other things that you have to understand right now. So Quinn's reason isn't that important. And it shouldn't be." She smiled slightly. "But she's really good for just being there for you. I've never met anyone better. And she listens really well. I mean she hears absolutely everything you say. Everything. And she remembers it." She found the griddle in a cabinet and began heating it. "Did you ever notice how San always stares at you like she's trying to see inside of you?"

I nodded. I wasn't sure where she was going with that.

"Quinn is the same way. Always has been. The big difference is that San doesn't care if you know she's trying to read you. Quinn does it secretly. It was funny that she always sat behind you. In Glee. In class. She did it so she could look at you. No one noticed it but me." She sprayed the griddle and turned to look at me when she'd finished. "And Finn. He totally noticed it. I think he thought she was jealous of you at first. But he figured it out senior year."

I didn't know what she was talking about. I wasn't sure I wanted to either. I decided to change the subject. "Thank you for coming, Brittany." I said again. I meant it. "Santana has been so strong for me. And she really loved…" I took a deep breath. Did I want to talk about her? Sober? Could I even if I wanted to? I watched Brittany. She was pouring the pancakes and studying them intently, spatula in hand. "Eliza," I finished softly.

She nodded as she flipped a pancake. "I know she did." She continued flipping. "You can talk about her to me if you want. If it's too hard to talk to Quinn. I know it's too hard right now for you to talk to Santana. You don't want to hurt her. I promise I'll just listen. I'm really good at that too."

I looked away, once again mulling over the simple beauty that was just Brittany. Nothing felt weird about her being in my kitchen cooking me vegan pancakes. "I always wanted to be the best at everything," I started softly. "I wanted to have it all. Be the big star. And I wanted everyone to know my name. To remember me. For as long as I can remember that's all I've wanted." I took a deep breath. "But after Lizzie was born… I finally felt right. I didn't even have to try and make her love me. She just did."

"I bet that felt great." She said. She was taking the pancakes off the griddle.

"It did," I whispered. "When the police showed up here that morning, I thought it was a joke. Maria was taking her to on play date. They went every Saturday. When they rang the doorbell and told me…. I…" I swallowed. "I laughed. I just thought they were joking. How inappropriate was that? Laughing?" I bit back tears.

She moved closer to where I was sitting and watched me for a few seconds. "I bet it felt like it had to be a joke, didn't it? I can't imagine dealing any other way, really. I don't think that that was inappropriate." She shrugged but didn't break eye contact with me. "And so what? Who cares if someone thinks it was? No one can tell you how to feel or deal with something like that. There's no handbook on how to grieve, Rach." She reached across the counter and patted my hand. "You feel really guilty?"

I knew it was a question. "I shouldn't have let them go. I was so tired that morning. We'd just gotten in from New York the day before. And she got up early because she couldn't adjust as easily as I could to the time change. I was so frustrated and I just wanted to go back to bed. So I yelled for Maria and she…" I looked down. "She swept in and took her away. She said, 'we've got our date, Lizzie Boo,' and she smiled at me."

I hadn't thought about Maria. I couldn't let myself.

"It wasn't her fault," I whispered. "I saw what happened…" I was crying. "She tried to get out of the…" I sobbed. I couldn't finish.

She came around the counter quickly and scooped me up in a hug. "It wasn't her fault. But it's not yours either, Rachel." She whispered in my hair. "Take it from me, some things just don't make sense sometimes. It's silly to try." She held me tighter. I realized why Santana had let her hold her yesterday. Brittany Pierce knew how to hug.

"You're the best hugger I've ever met," I sniffed against her shoulder.

"Yeah, I get that a lot," she told me, not letting go.

* * *

**Again, thank you so much for the follows and reviews, etc. I really appreciate them. Obviously they're the reason I post on here. :) **

**As of right now the flashbacks will focus on Quinn and Brittany reaction. Plus Santana and Quinn come to an understanding. Chapter 6 will go further back. Hope you guys still like it.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

Chapter 5

_It seemed that all Quinn was waiting for was the phone to ring one more time. She'd started carrying it with her everywhere she went. More times than not, Brittany had taken it away from her, but she was afraid of Scary Q, and always gave it back to her._

_When the phone rang and Quinn saw that it was her mother, she grabbed it from the seat next to her and slid it to answer._

_"Quinnie?" Judy Fabray's voice rang through the phone line._

_"Mom," Quinn breathed out hurriedly. "Did you talk to her?"_

_She'd begged her mother to talk to Carol Hummel. She knew she was asking a lot. Her mother and Mrs. Hummel were not friends. They'd never been friends. _

_"Yeah. I did. I had to go over to her house. That was a little uncomfortable," her mother stated. "But I managed to persuade her to…" She trailed off._

_She forgot instantly about her earlier misgivings. "Send me the number," she rushed out._

_"I am. I just wanted to…" Judy paused. "Honey, don't get your hopes up if he doesn't answer you. Carol didn't say anything but… I just don't want you to…" She sighed. "I feel so silly."_

_"What?" Quinn asked. She couldn't escape the impatience she was feeling. She just wanted her mother to stop talking and give her the damn number so she could call Kurt. She definitely didn't have time to decipher mom speak._

_"It was always Rachel, wasn't it?" Judy asked. "Why didn't I see that?"_

_She sighed. "Because I was repressed and stupid?" How about afraid you'd disown me? Rachel would reject me? She also thought but didn't voice._

_Judy laughed lightly. "Maybe." She paused again. "Carol said the funeral was… hard. On Rachel. And the rest of them. But especially Rachel. Of course it would be. I can't imagine what she's feeling. She said they must've given her something. A sedative or something because she was like a…"_

_She shuddered, thinking she knew exactly what Rachel was like. "I feel like we're gossiping, now." she interrupted._

_"I'm not," her mother assured. "It's just… She gave me the number because of something Finn said about you."_

_Quinn's interest was piqued. "What was that?" She tried to hide the surprise._

_"He told her once that the day that Rachel left for New York she cried."_

_"Obviously. She was leaving home and…"_

_"No," Judy cut in. "Not just that. He told her that he thought she was crying because she was leaving him. So he told her he'd see her soon. And she said, 'I wish Quinn was here. What if I never see her again?' Carol said Finn was so upset that he punched a hole in her wall. She couldn't figure out why and he told her he thought it was a one-way. That he didn't know Rachel felt the same way." She stopped speaking and sighed. "So she gave me the number."_

_Her daughter took several deeps breath._

_"Just don't expect her to be…" Judy cut herself off. "Just be there for her, if she lets you. Don't expect more. There's no way she could give you anything more right now." She sighed. "She may not be able to even give you that..."_

_"I'm not expecting anything." she told her mother. "I just want to see her." She felt the vibration of her phone. _

_"I sent the contact, Quinnie." Judy's voice rang through again. "Use it wisely and don't get your hopes up. And good luck, sweetie. I love you," She told her as hung up the phone._

_She stared at the number on her phone. And then took another deep breath and pressed send before she could change her mind._

_The phone rang five times before Kurt Hummel's voice came through on the voicemail asking his caller to leave a message. She waited for the beep. "Kurt, it's Quinn…"_

* * *

I decided to take my time getting ready for the day. The last two weeks had been a rush of showering, dressing, and running back into the bedroom to check on Rachel. I couldn't trust her dads to do it… they were grieving too. And Kurt… he was worse.

Knowing she was in the kitchen with Brittany made me feel better. I had to say that Q being gone did too. I wasn't sure how I felt about Kurt and Leroy going with her, but I guessed it was good to get them out of this house every once in a while. I couldn't help but to be glad they'd taken her with them.

After I'd gotten dressed and actually got to dry my hair, I found Britt and Rachel in the kitchen eating pancakes. I hadn't seen Rachel eat anything electively since that d. To say it made me smile may be the biggest understatement of my life.

"…and then I dyed it back blond," Brittany was saying. "I didn't look good as a brunette."

Rachel nodded. "The things we do for this business," she answered. She saw me walk in. "Hey. Hungry? Brittany made pancakes. They're really quite delectable."

I nodded, not even trying to hide my smile. "I'm starving," I told them, making a plate. Delectable. She said "delectable". I wanted to cry and hug Brittany.

"Did you know Brittany dyed her hair for the latest music video she was in?" Rachel asked me.

"Did you?" I asked, sitting down. Of course I had known. I'd seen every video she'd made. Her hair had been three different colors.

She nodded. "Yeah. It was weird. I felt like I should've been wearing glasses or something." She smiled at us.

Rachel quirked her eyebrow at me. I quirked mine back. I didn't fucking know either. It was B. Wasn't much more that I could say really.

"These are great, Britt," I told her. "I had no idea you'd be such a great cook." And I really hadn't. She kept surprising me by not really surprising me.

"I took some classes when I first moved out here. I like to cook." She took a drink of coffee. "Sometimes I make the neighbor, Mrs. Sandusky, dinner. She's kinda older and I don't think she cooks much. She used to work at one of the studios here in town and she always has the coolest stories."

Rachel was watching her talk with a soft smile on her face. I didn't know what kinda magic Brittany had, or maybe I kinda did, but I did know if I could bottle that shit up, I'd feed it to Rachel every morning, noon, and night.

Rachel was about to speak when we heard the front door open. Great. Glad they were back. I watched her face and she seemed okay with the fact, until we heard the unmistakable sound of laughter. Jesus H. Christ. Would fucking wonders never cease?

I heard Kurt's voice first. "She called my dad Kurt too. We thought it was funny and he loved her so he never would correct her."

I heard Q giggle. "Well it does rhyme with Kurt. Ever notice how all our names rhymed?"

"For the longest time, she called every man she met that wasn't Hiram or me, Kurt. Of course we just let her," Leroy added, laughing as well.

I couldn't hear Q's answer, but I heard all three of them chuckle in reply.

I felt my stomach bottom out and I fought the urge to scream or get up and slug the fuck out of the three of them.

Rachel's fork hit the plate and the clanging caused Brittany to jump. Then the three goddamn stooges decided to walk into the kitchen at the same time.

"Oh…uh hi. We didn't think you guys would be up…" Kurt said. His face told me all I needed to know about what kind of look I was giving him. The fact he was making eye contact with me instead of Rach told me more.

Leroy cleared his throat. "Uh yeah… Quinn said Brittany was a late sleeper." He tried to sound nonchalant, and points for effort and all, but he knew what was about to happen.

Quinn was just doing Quinn. Which basically meant she was staring and looking like she'd gotten caught freebasing or some shit.

"What's so funny?" Rachel asked. I could hear the sarcasm. It was almost palpable.

Yep, now my stomach was doing flips. Shit. Shit. Shit. We were so fucking close too. And just like that… two steps back.

"Uh nothing…" Kurt answered, one motherfucking beat too late.

Rachel scooted her chair back. "Thank you for breakfast, Brittany. You really are a terrific cook." She stood up. "I'm just not that hungry." She moved and began walking out of the room.

I jumped up to follow her.

"Don't, Santana." She called, not breaking stride.

I sat back down. Cause at this point there was no reason in me going after her. That fucking door would definitely be locked this time.

I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at them.

"Santana, we didn't…" Kurt began.

"Shut the fuck up," I cut in. "Do you know she was actually eating? And we didn't even have to make her! She was eating on her own. And talking to Britt. And fucking smiling." I felt my face get warmer. I was pissed. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It was my fault, Santana," Quinn said. "I asked them about…"

Gotta hand it to Fabray for being the fastest person to piss me off. "Oh I fucking believe that it was your fault. No reason you need to waste your breath convincing me of that." I stood up.

She started to speak but apparently had a rare moment of clarity and shut her goddamn mouth.

"Santana," Brittany said. "We can check on her in minute. Why don't you finish your breakfast?" She was trying to smile at me. And I appreciated the fuck out of that. She'd done nothing but try to help since she'd gotten here. But I had somewhere I needed to be.

"I'm good, B." I said, as I walked out. "Rach was right. You're a great cook."

I shot the other three a death glare before leaving. When I got to Rachel's bedroom the door was locked. I knocked softly. "I know you aren't gonna let me in. I figure I sort of won the lotto last night and shit when you didn't kick me out. So I'll just be in my spot," I spoke through the door.

I went quickly to my room and grabbed the book I'd been reading. I knew she wouldn't answer me, so I just slid down the door and opened it up. It was over a thousand pages long. I was on page four hundred and thirty two. I figured I'd get in at least two hundred more before she unlocked it.

* * *

_Beep._

_"Kurt, it's Quinn. I know this is the…" Quinn heard Brittany clear her throat and mouth twelfth,' "…twelfth time I've called. And I know I don't have a right but I just have to know that she's okay. I know you don't owe me or anything but... but I just want to know. If you could please call me…" the phone cut off, and the automated operator announced that the voicemail box was full._

_"Fuck!" Quinn yelled. She threw her phone. _

_Brittany caught it like an expert before it hit the wall and shattered._

_"Okay, Q," she said, taking the girl's arm. "It's time to calm down. No more phone calls. He's gonna get them. And if he wants to call you back, he totally will." She led her to the couch and sat the phone down on the coffee table. "But you're scaring me and I'm not letting you have your phone back. Cause you're kinda bordering on stalkery now."_

_Quinn groaned and threw her arms in the air. "Why the hell won't he call me back? He can't hate me that much!"_

_Brittany sighed. "I don't think he hates you, Q. I think he's sad. They probably all are. I know you wanna help Rachel and all, and I do too but… but we can't just keep bothering him. He's gonna end up changing his number or something. And then good luck getting it."_

_Quinn nodded. She felt tears hovering on the surface and swiped angrily at her face. "I've never wanted to hold someone as much as I want to hold her, Britt. I know that makes me selfish and all but... I just want her to be okay."_

_Brittany nodded. She rubbed Quinn's leg and smiled sadly. "She's not gonna be okay. Her daughter died. You can't make that better."_

_"I know that. Don't you think I know that?" She cried, still furiously rubbing the tears away._

_"I know you think you know it." Brittany put her arm around her shoulder. "Look, I know you want to make Rachel stop hurting. I do too. And San. I wish we could see them. I know I could help Santana. But we kinda made our beds here, Q. We can't just run in there and make everything better now."_

_Quinn let the woman hold her. She cried softly. "I'd give anything… anything… my life… just, if I could fix this for her. If I could make it right. She doesn't deserve this." She cried harder when Brittany pulled her closer._

_"You're not listening to me. You can't fix it. You don't get that choice." Brittany said, rubbing her hair. "Time is the only thing that's gonna help anyone right now. You have to give it time. And time is the only thing Rachel is gonna have going for her." _

_Quinn nodded. She knew the girl was right. _

_But then she heard the vibration of the phone against the coffee table. She jerked up suddenly, but Brittany had always been faster._

_"Hello," Brittany answered._

_"Brittany," the voice through the phone echoed softly into the room. "It's Kurt…"_

* * *

I made it to page four hundred and ninety-six before I heard footsteps in the hallway.

"Go away," I muttered, not looking up from my book.

"I want to talk to you."

I'm not sure what the fuck Fabray was thinking. But I'd rather have a conversation with the devil himself.

"Well isn't that just motherfucking special," I drawled. "But I don't have one damn shred of desire to talk to you." I looked up from the page I was reading. "I know, huh? Shocking." I looked back down.

I heard her stupid ass sit down across from me in the hall. I looked up again and rolled my eyes. She was sitting cross-legged in front of me. "What are you reading?"

I shut the book. "I do not want to have a fucking chat with you, Fabray. I know you were never that adept at reading body language and social cues; so let me spell it out for you. I'm clenching my fist. And my jaw. And I'm pretty sure my face is red. I bet I'm even scowling. All signs that I don't want you sitting in front of me like we're participating in some kumbaya share circle or some bullshit." I rolled my eyes and opened the book again. "So take your fucking peace pipe, shove it up your ass, and fuck off."

I heard her sigh. "I hate that you have her," she said.

Ugh. Seriously. This bitch could not get a clue if it were beating her senseless about the head and neck. Which was totally giving me ideas.

"I _hate_ that you still don't listen worth a damn." I hadn't looked up again. I obviously couldn't read but I sure the fuck could pretend to.

"I'm so jealous it makes me nauseous." She whispered.

I took a really deep breath. I finally raised my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Well alert the fucking media. Quinn Fabray is jealous of someone. I bet as soon as it gets out, it'll be trending. It might even be a sign of the apocalypse. Fabray is green-eyed. Isn't that one of the goddamn seven signs?"

She watched me. "Every time I saw a photograph of you with her, every time, I felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest. I didn't know something could honestly hurt that much." I always hated the way she'd ignore what I said and just keep right on talking.

After a while, if someone were to… say…I don't know… keep chucking a ball at me or something, I'd definitely decide to go ahead and play. And she wanted to throw the ball. So fuck it. We'd play.

"I hope you get how much I don't care," I smirked. "However to be real honest with you, Q, I gotta say, lack of giving a shit aside, this little humble confession of you losing and me winning puts a little smile on my face." I shrugged. "Can't help it. Sorry." I smiled as sweetly as I could manage.

I watched the fury flash across those eyes before the mask came back up. "I know that I fucked everything up the day she left. I know it was my chance. I got that. And I get that you swooped in and saved the day. I'm just telling you how I feel."

"Well I'd thank you, but I don't recall fucking asking you how you felt. To paraphrase my earlier comment, I don't give a flying fuck." I crossed my arms and leaned my head against Rachel's door.

She nodded, not surprised. "I'm sorry for earlier. They just wanted to talk and I thought…"

I shook my head. "Nope. You don't get to think. Cause here's the thing, blondie, you don't know what the hell is going on here. I'm really sorry they're sad. It sucks. I love them both as much as I've ever loved anyone. But Rachel is all that matters. Rachel's the one suffering. So if we gotta shut the fuck up and suck it up, we're gonna. If they don't like it, they can fucking hump it frankly. We walk on glass until we don't need to anymore. Those are the goddamn rules. They… you… anybody else in this fucking house that can't play by them, can get the fuck out."

"Okay," she whispered.

Jesus Christ. "Excuse me?"

She sighed. "I said okay. You're right. She's what's important. I get that. So does everyone else."

I rolled my eyes. "You want a congratulations on getting a clue?"

She ignored my question. "Do you love her?"

Was she joking? "What?"

"You heard me…"

I watched her face before answering. "Yeah. I heard you. Just not feeling the need to dignify it with an actual answer."

She crossed her arms as well. "Let me clarify then. Do you love her like I do?"

Well that was rich, wasn't it? "Wait you mean do I love her like a dumbass, repressed teenage girl? Oh, okay. Well then no. No, I don't love her like you do."

She pursed her lips. "You have no clue what I feel for her. What I've always felt." I could tell that she wanted to cry. If they ever copyrighted looks they could call that one "The Quinn."

I finally just decided to shut the book and set it down. No reason to pretend anymore. "I'm getting the distinct impression that we're not on the same page here. I'm gonna break this down one more time and then I think I'd like to stop fucking talking about it." I put one hand on my knee and gestured with the other. "You have not been present. I get that's your cross to bear and you're like suffering because of it. If I were a bigger person, I'd say I'm sorry. I'm not though, so no luck there."

She was watching me, but not speaking. Good sign.

"I know that you're fishing for some sort of definition of our relationship. So here it is - yes, I love Rachel. I love that she is the kindest person I've ever met. I love that her voice sounds like what I imagine heaven would be. I love that she's driven and that she cares about other people even when they don't deserve it. I love that she'd stop whatever she was doing – eating, shopping, talking on the phone – to sign an autograph and take pictures with people she didn't even know. I love that she'd get on a plane twice a month and come see me, even if it was only for a weekend, because she missed me. I love that she jumps up and down when she's excited. I love that she got to be a mom. And I love seeing her love someone else. Having someone light up when she walked into the room because she was the only reason they existed. I love how she'd smile at her daughter when she thought no one was looking. I love that she loves me."

Quinn's tears were actively running down her face now. I choose to ignore them because she definitely was.

"I love the Rachel Berry she was in high school. The Rachel Berry she was two months ago. And the Rachel Berry she is now. So if you're asking me do I love her – the answer will be yes every single time."

She was sniffing quietly. I could fucking tell it was killing her not to break eye contact with me and run out of the hallway. A small part of me was sort of proud of her for that.

"Look I get your question. And I know you want easy answers. I just don't have them for you. Are there different ways to love? Yeah I guess there are. But this isn't a competition, Q. And you don't want to make it one." I sat up straighter. "I'm about to swallow a shitload of pride here, but…" I took a deep breath. "…if you can fucking help her, I'm not shutting you out. Last night was different and I'm grateful for that. But this is not about you. And you can't make it be."

She nodded softly. She still hadn't wiped her face. "Is it about you?" She whispered.

I gave her my best 'what the fuck is wrong with you look.' "What do you think?" She knew me enough to know I wasn't expecting a real answer. I sighed. "I honestly don't want you here. Not because of some bullshit competition from high school. I don't want her hurt. I've said that. But I'm fucking willing to overlook my personal beliefs about the magnitude of your fucked-up-ness, cause we share a common goal."

She finally wiped her cheeks. "Do you sit out here everyday?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

She closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again she spoke. "I'm sorry for your loss as well, Santana."

Surprisingly (or not), I was finally the one who broke eye contact first.

* * *

At some point, I'd gotten up and gone into my bedroom. I'd grabbed another one of my books and handed it to her. "I know you're like the big English teacher and all, but… I figured it'd help pass the time even if you have read it." I handed it to her and sat back down across from her.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a slender case. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but then I realized they were just reading glasses. For some reason, that caught me off guard. She put them on and studied the title. "I haven't read it. Thank you," she said, opening to the first page.

I picked up my own book and started reading.

* * *

Rachel went into her bedroom around eight o'clock. It was now ten minutes after eleven.

Leroy was back to cleaning and talking to Hiram on the phone. Kurt and Brittany were watching one of Rachel's early films in the living room. And Quinn and I were sitting.

She closed the book and looked and her phone, checking the time. "Three hours?"

I nodded, closing my own. "I'll shimmy the lock if she stays in there past noon."

She looked above me to the doorknob. "There's nothing in there that she could take or…"

"No," I stopped her. "I go through it every night." I sighed. "Plus, she's been crying."

She looked startled. "What?"

I nodded. "I can hear when my head is against the door. If she stops, I'll break it down."

She moved to stand up.

"Sit down," I told her. "I've been doing this the whole time. She knows I'm out here. She'll get up soon and unlock the door. She won't come out, but that basically means that I can come in. That or she'll come out and go get a bottle of wine. Then she has to let me in. Her choice there."

She sat down but scooted next to me and put her head to the door. She looked pained when she bit her lip. "I can hear her," she whispered. "God. That's awful…"

I shrugged. "Yeah. But it's normal." I scooted the book she was reading over to her with my foot. "It's why I read and not like listen to music or watch Netflix. I need to hear her."

She nodded. "I don't want to… overstep my boundary or anything…"

Well that was new. I raised my eyebrow back.

"I just mean… if you want to go get something to eat. Or take a nap. Or I don't know… not do this for a little while, I'll stay. I'm not as tired as you."

I watched her face. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm good."

She sighed and picked up the book. "I figured you'd say that. My offer still stands though. No ulterior motive."

I didn't answer. I decided to just keep reading instead.

* * *

At 12:15, Quinn closed her book again. I think she'd been on the same page for the last twenty minutes or so anyway.

She stared at me until I stopped reading. "She hasn't unlocked it."

I nodded. "I know." I shut my book. "Look, I'm not a psychiatrist. But I do know a little something about grieving parents," I told her. And I did. You couldn't be in my profession and not. "It's really one of those one step forward, two steps back kind of deal."

She shook her head. "I think you've got that backwards. It's two steps forward…"

I cut her off. "I know what it is. I'm telling you that with grieving parents, it's different. They might make a tiny bit of progress everyday, but…" I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. "They never get over this." I turned to look at her. "Do you understand what I'm saying? Rachel may have good moments, but… her life has changed forever. There's no moving on from this. There's only accepting it. It doesn't go away or get better or easier. It's always there. And right now…" I scrunched my face, trying to come up with a metaphor a professor of English would appreciate. "It's like an exposed nerve. As long as the air doesn't hit, it's gonna ache. It's a dull reminder of what's wrong. An underlying pain. But then it gets hit by a blast of air – and bam. It's beyond fucking painful. It's wanting to die pain." I took a breath. "That's what happens to a parent who's lost a child. It's always going to be an exposed nerve."

She nodded. "That doesn't scare me."

Good for her. I wasn't trying to fucking scare her. I was trying to explain. "I didn't think it would, Q. I'm just saying…" Fuck. I needed her to get it. "She's not gonna be the Rachel she was before Eliza died, Quinn. She's never going to be that Rachel… the one you remember. If you are serious about the long haul here, you need to get that now. Otherwise it's going to smack you in the face later."

She watched me, waiting to see if I was finished, I guessed. I nodded.

"Okay," she started. "Do you remember when we were friends?"

Damn Quinn Fabray and her lack of fucking segue ways. I decided to humor her. "Yes," was the easiest answer though to be honest I hadn't thought about it in years.

I waited for her to continue, but… that was it. I imagined the inside of her mind was like some type of terrifying labyrinth of insanity that I didn't have the energy or the patience to trek.

A sound from behind the door made us both jump. Q raised her eyebrow at me.

"She's just moving around. She's been lying on that damn bed the whole time. She'll unlock the door soon." I told her.

I waited for her to argue with me, but she didn't. She just nodded and crossed her arms as determined to wait out the whirlwind that was Rachel Berry as I was.

And though I was nowhere even fucking close to admitting it – I kinda respected that.

* * *

**So here you go. I hope you like it. As usual thanks for the reviews, etc. You guys rock. I love getting them.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Still don't own them**

* * *

Chapter 6

_It was a Wednesday. Intro to Modern Lit._

_"Do you believe in true love, Dr. Fabray?" One of her students asked her._

_Quinn tried her hardest to remember the girl's name, but she was just 'regular, sorority girl number fifteen,' and she couldn't think to recall it. "That's a rather difficult question."_

_"But isn't that the whole point of the book?" A young man in the first row asked. "Florentino and Fermina find each other again when they're old. It's true love."_

_Quinn watched his face, trying to ascertain if he was serious. "I suppose…" she started. She never wanted to contradict beliefs students came to on their own. "I guess love is just such a personal feeling… maybe we all define it differently. But you forget that Fermina is happy with her life. She only finds him after her husband dies. She would have never left her husband. She was happy."_

_"So love is happiness?" Someone else asked._

_Quinn sighed. "No." She looked out across the classroom. It was an auditorium class and it was filled. "In the book love is complicated. It's…" She put her fingers on her forehead and rubbed away the headache she was getting. "It's personal. It's defining. It's distinctive…."_

_There was a young woman Quinn always noticed who sat in the very back of the classroom. Studious, she never missed a class. But she rarely spoke, and only if questioned. So no one was more surprised that Dr. Fabray when her voice broke through the silence. "It's a disease," she said, quietly._

_"Excuse me?" Quinn asked. "Did you say something, Samantha?"_

_The girl made eye contact with her then. "I said it's a disease. He suffers it his entire life. He pines for Fermina. Sure he has moments of happiness or whatever, but… she is the only reason he exists. When they finally get to be together… I mean that's it, isn't it? Floating on that boat. Isolated. And alone. Maybe that's what they want, but it's sad."_

_Quinn let her words sink in. "That's an interesting observation."_

_She nodded at her professor. "It just doesn't seem fair is all."_

_"Why's that?"_

_"Because he loves her so much and she… I guess true love, if it does exist is never balanced, is it? I mean someone is always giving more than the other. So maybe that's the answer to Aiden's question."_

_Quinn nodded. Aiden was the sorority girl's name. "Explain."_

_"Maybe true love is when you can love someone more than they love you. And if, at some point, they return the favor… you've found it." She shrugged again and looked back down._

_Quinn noticed the time. Class was over. And she was incredibly glad. "Class dismissed," she waved her hand._

* * *

_She was sitting on the couch grading essays, when Brittany opened the door. _

_"Honey, I'm home!" Brittany giggled, running into the room. She grabbed Quinn when she jumped up and swung her around. "Did you miss me?"_

_The other woman smiled at her. "Always, B. I don't know what to do with myself when you're gone."_

_Brittany smiled because she knew that was truer than the other girl would ever want to admit. "New York is fun," she told her. "It's cold though. And the sun doesn't shine as much. But I definitely like that you can walk everywhere."_

_Quinn nodded. "Does have its advantages, B. You're right there."_

_Britt studied her face for a few moments. "Can I tell you something and you not get upset?"_

_Quinn quirked her eyebrow. _

_"I got this paper while I was at the airport." She handed Quinn a copy of _The New York Post. _She saw Rachel's picture on the page Brittany had turned to but she didn't read the headline. _

_Quinn sighed. Rachel had become more famous after the movie she made. As far as Quinn knew she was still on Broadway though. She'd seen an article about her in a tabloid last year. Her and Santana. She stopped actively seeking out news after that._

_"Rachel's got a new movie coming out." Brittany smiled. "And uh… she's taking a break from Broadway."_

_Quinn nodded at her. "That's nice. Even though she never realized it, she can't do everything all the time. No one can."_

_Brittany nodded back. "Yeah, so this says she uh… this says she's taking a break cause she's having a baby."_

_The other woman's breath hitched. "What?" She whispered._

_"Yeah. She's having a baby. It says that she hasn't named the father. They're saying it's cause she had in vitro. I don't know how they'd know that though."_

_Quinn was still having trouble focusing. "They wouldn't. That's gossip." Still, was that true? She couldn't imagine what that meant. She didn't want to._

_Brittany noticed her face. She frowned. "They aren't together, Q. Okay?"_

_Quinn looked away. She didn't know if Brittany was assuring her or assuring herself._

* * *

I could hear Santana talking outside of my door. I knew she was talking to Quinn. Mostly because she was angry and annoyed and I could always hear that in her voice even if I couldn't tell what she was actually saying. Santana had one of those voices, it rose and fell with her emotions. I'd always secretly envied that about her.

I wiped my eyes and glanced at the clock. 12:45. I'd been in this room for over four hours. And most of that I'd spent crying. That actually may be some kind of record or something. Every time I thought that I was finished crying, it would start all over again. It was odd how tired it made me. Amazing really. What was more amazing was that Santana hadn't actually knocked the door down. She usually never let me stay in here this long.

Then I heard the knocking. "Okay, Berry." I had to give her credit. She was getting better at least trying to wait. "It's been almost five hours. So I'm thinking that you either unlock this door or I just get the electric drill or something and just take the motherfucking doorknob off. I think Kurt's tired of me destroying his credit cards."

"Indeed I am," I heard Kurt hum from behind the door.

She knocked louder and jiggled the door handle. "You hear me, Rachel?" She asked. "Leroy has gone to get the drill."

I had no doubt she was serious. That was what I both loved and hated about her.

I heard a softer knock this time. "Rach, it's Britt." I almost smiled at the fact that she felt the need to announce herself. "San's totally not kidding. Neither is your daddy. I made you some soup too. So you can eat and stuff. If you'll get up and unlock the door, you can keep your doorknob and you get to see me. I think that'll be worth it."

I sighed. I could not argue with Brittany. Even silently. I turned the lock and went and sat back down on the bed.

The door opened tentatively and Brittany was the only one who walked through. "See that wasn't hard." She was holding a tray. "Are you going to eat it?"

She was watching me expectantly. If I had to admit it, I was actually hungry. I nodded slowly at her. "Okay," I whispered. My voice was hoarse.

She smiled. I liked that she smiled so much. It seemed so easy for her. There was a time… I'm sure that there was… that I used to smile like that. I took a few bites. "Seriously, Brittany… I haven't had anyone cook for me in a while. I mean, I can cook but I just…" I shook my head. "You're really good at it."

She nodded. "That's what Q says too."

"Where are they?" I asked her. "I heard them both outside of my room. Santana didn't…" I let the question hang in the air. Santana was louder than Quinn, but I had heard her too. I couldn't decipher what either of them had said, but maybe that was for the best?

Brittany shook her head. "No. San's just really worried about you. She's taken really good care of you, hasn't she?"

I nodded back. "She's great. Who would have ever thought that Rachel Berry would admit that about Santana Lopez?"

She smiled at me. "I think it's really cool."

I heard someone clear their throat and looked up to both Santana and Quinn standing in the doorway.

Santana took my eye contact as an invitation to enter. Of course it's cool. I add spice to your life, shorty." she said, sitting down beside me.

Brittany frowned. "I don't think you should call her short, San." she told her.

I huffed. "She claims it is a term of endearment and that I understand nothing about pop culture."

Santana nodded. "It's definitely a term of endearment, Britt." She patted Brittany's leg.

Brittany seemed satisfied with her answer and smiled sweetly at Santana.

Quinn was still standing in the doorway, biting her lip. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do? I felt bad that she looked so sad. Or guilty. With her, it was sort of always the same thing. In high school, I'd always tried to decipher what she was feeling. She rarely talked about it. And her face - always a mask. Even when she smiled, she seemed to be in pain.

Santana broke the silence. "Q doesn't wanna come in cause she realizes what a giant ass she was earlier." she stated, matter-of-factly. "In her defense… and I know right, who'd have thought I'd start a sentence like that," she smirked at herself. "But, in her defense… she feels like a jackass, so you know…" She left off the rest of it. I figured it was because that was about as sweet as Santana Lopez could get.

Quinn, for her part, didn't say anything. She wasn't really looking at any of us. I stared at her until she looked up and caught my eye.

Her eyes were always so expressive. I guessed that was because she was afraid to actually express any emotion. Her eyes couldn't lie even if the rest of her could.

I don't know how long I was looking at her, but it was long enough to get Santana's attention. "Holy hell… I'm breaking about six rules by doing this but…" She stood up and grabbed Brittany's hand. "Come on, Britt. Let's go torture Kurt. He's trying to accessorize that interview outfit he bought me. I saw something pink sticking out of that stupid bag he carries around, and there's just no way in ten kinds of hell that's gonna happen…"

Brittany laughed and followed her out. "You look good in pink," I heard her giggle down the hallway.

"Uh… I do not wear pink anymore. No self-respecting lesbian…" I didn't catch the last of it.

"You can come in." I told her. "If you want."

She nodded and moved into the room, but then she stood about ten feet from my bed, awkwardly trying to figure out a place to sit. She settled on the chair in the corner. "I'm very, very sorry about earlier," she whispered.

I nodded. "It's okay. You had no idea I'd be in there or that it would…" I didn't finish.

"Why do you do that?" She asked. She seemed, I don't know... almost angry.

It got attention. "Do what?

She frowned. "Just forgive everyone. I wasn't thinking about you hearing us. I should've been thinking about that. I told you last night that I'd…" She looked away. "You shouldn't be so trusting…"

"Why not?" I asked her. I genuinely wanted to know. What was wrong with trusting people?

"Because… because…" she sighed. "Because people could take advantage of you."

I watched her face. We were back to her not making eye contact. It must be incredibly difficult for her to actually look someone in the eye. It made me sad that she was that shy and reserved. "Are you trying to take advantage?"

That did cause her to look up. "Of course not. Never."

"Well okay then," I said. "I trust you. You apologized. I accepted. It doesn't have to be this huge production every time we say something wrong, Quinn. That's tiring, isn't it?"

She nodded. "I guess."

I decided to just change the subject. That would be easier. The problem was I wasn't sure what subject wouldn't be painful for either of us. "Thanks for last night." I smiled softly at her. "For taking care of me. I must've drunk quite a bit."

She nodded. "A little…" She frowned. "Do you drink a lot?" She realized what she'd asked and began to backtrack. "You definitely don't have to answer that… I'm sorry," she rushed out.

"Stop apologizing," I told her. "Yes. I do. I have had quite a lot to drink in the last few weeks. I also have had sedatives. Santana prescribed them. But… they make me fuzzy and she won't leave them in here with me." I shrugged because it was true. There was no reason to state the obvious reason, which was why. "The alcohol doesn't really help. But it does make me numb. I wish I could say that I didn't like that. But… I need it sometimes."

She nodded. "Is there something you'd like to do?"

I thought genuinely about the question. I'd had no desire to do anything for two weeks. I didn't want to leave the bed. But… maybe I should try. "We could go for a walk maybe. On the beach?"

She smiled for a moment and then instantly frowned, as she tried not to seem excited, I figured. "That would be great. Do you want me to get the others?"

I watched her face. I wasn't sure if she'd be comfortable with me by herself or not. "Can maybe just you and I go?" I asked softly.

She actually beamed. And the sight of it made my stomach jump. "Of course. Why don't you get dressed and I'll go let them know? Just so Santana doesn't think I kidnapped you and put a hit on me or something."

I nodded. "Okay."

* * *

I put my on sunglasses, and the hoodie Santana had forced me to wear. It wasn't cold, but she was right… I always get cold. I didn't know how she knew stuff like that.

Quinn was on the deck waiting on me. "Which way?" She asked when we made it to the beach.

I nodded to the right. "Less people this way. I know most of my neighbors, but… sometimes the press can…" I didn't finish.

She nodded and led the way. She was wearing dark khaki cutoffs and a white tank top. Her sunglasses were pushed to the top of her head. I actually noticed for the first time how different she looked from high school. Physically, I mean... she looked the same. A bit older, but that hadn't really changed anything. It was just her... style, maybe? It was definitely more laid backed. I liked it.

To be honest, I really loved the beach. There was something soothing about the sound of the waves and the way the sand felt on my feet. But… there was also that memory. The one I didn't want to have right now. The one that was pulling me away from my house and away from any recollections…

We walked in silence for a while. She stayed on my right side, and I appreciated the fact that she was probably subconsciously trying to shield me from the houses and prying eyes. I had a feeling anyone watching us would have stayed away. She had a way of standing, and walking, that was intimidating and private.

"Do you live near the beach?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "About twenty minutes in good traffic." She chuckled. "Which is rare."

I nodded. I enjoyed hearing her laugh. There was something about listening to someone who rarely laughed make that sound that forced it to be more special. "Last night… you said something about just listening. I…"

To her credit, she didn't speak or slow down even though I could tell she heard everything I'd said.

"Can I talk about her?" I whispered, not stopping either. I wasn't sure what made me say it. If I were to be honest, I'd wanted to talk about her for a while now. I wanted to tell someone about her. About how much I loved her. About what she meant. Even about how I was feeling. I needed to speak. It was just... it hurt so much. Not just me but Santana. Kurt. My fathers.

I heard her breath hitch a tiny bit. "Of course." She tried not to look at me.

I settled for an easy question. "Did you see pictures of her?" I asked.

She nodded. "I did. I saw a few on Facebook. On Finn's page. But…" she hesitated. "Well, of course I have, Rachel. I felt dirty looking at pictures of her when she was born. All the tabloid photographs and stuff."

I'd tried to protect her from the tabloids. The photographers. My manager finally suggested doing a photo shoot. She said people couldn't sell her picture for as much profit if we did it first. I donated the money to the Children's Heart Association.

"But you did that photo shoot… after she was born. I…" She didn't finish.

Eliza had been an angel at the shoot too. She'd cooed and even smiled. I loved all the private pictures I had of her, but... that shoot was the absolute best photo shoot I'd ever done.

I noticed she'd stopped speaking. "You?"

She took a deep breath. "I just… she was beautiful. And I'm sure she was more than just that." She stopped and turned towards me. "I wish I could have known her." She bit her lip.

I faced her. "Me too," I smiled. It was too hard to look at her sometimes, so I started walking again. "She would have liked you, probably."

She chuckled. "I don't know about that…" She ran her hand through her hair. "Most of the time kids love Brittany."

I had no doubt about that. "I can see why. But I think she'd have liked you too."

"Why?" she whispered.

"Because I do, silly." I said, taking her hand. "And she loved anyone I loved."

She squeezed my hand, and laced our fingers together. Her touch was light, but it felt… different… good different.

* * *

We walked in silence for a few minutes.

I thought about her sitting outside my door. She was out there as long as Santana I figured. "Was Santana hard on you? Earlier?"

She shook her head. "No. She was… well, she was Santana. Is there anything else to say?"

I laughed. "No. Not really. But I just… she has my best interest at heart. I don't want you to think that she doesn't like you or something." I wasn't sure if that was true or not. But it was in my nature to say it anyway.

She actually laughed though. "Oh, she definitely doesn't like me." I started to interrupt, but she squeezed my hand. "No, Rach. It's good. I'm glad she's there for you. She loves you. Fiercely. I mean, I'm jealous," she said. "And she's right, alert the media and all, but I'm glad…"

"You're jealous?" I did interrupt this time.

She looked momentarily confused. "Huh?"

"You said, 'I'm jealous.'" I stopped walking again.

She looked into my eyes. "I…" then she looked away and stared at the ocean. I watched the war of emotions in her eyes. She suddenly looked back to me. "Yes. Yes, I'm jealous. I hate it's her and not me."

I nodded. I was shocked by her honesty. Even more than I was shocked by her answer. But I appreciated both. "Okay." I started walking, pulling her hand. "Carry on."

"Carry on?" She asked lightly. "Really?"

"Of course. You were saying something about being glad Santana and I were friends?"

She shook her head. "I don't even remember. I'm just glad you… I'm glad she's there for you."

"I'm glad she's there for me too." I told her honestly. "I'm also glad you came." I whispered the last part.

She squeezed my hand again. "Rachel Berry," she said, pulling me to a stop. "I'm going to hug you now."

I giggled. "You're stealing my line."

She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "It was always a damn good line."

* * *

_Though Rachel never got used to driving in Los Angeles traffic, Santana definitely did. After ten minutes on the freeway and ten minutes dodging cars like a Nascar driver, she whipped the car into the Whole Foods parking lot in what Rachel could only assume was forty miles over the speed limit. _

_"I don't see why we've gotta come all the f'ing way out here to go to the stupid grocery store," She told Rachel. _

_Rachel was clutching the seat. "I don't see why you feel the need to drive like an insane person. You do realize that my child is in the back seat?" _

_Santana looked in the rearview and made a face at the little girl. Eliza was kicking her feet in the car seat, smiling and holding her lamb Hiram had bought her. "You're mother is a worrywart," she smiled. "Luckily you take after Auntie Tana and are perfect," she winked. She turned to Rachel. "And you're the one who wants to move out here. You need to learn how to drive in this traffic."_

_Rachel was just glad the car was stopped. She unbuckled her seatbelt and fought the urge to open the door and literally kiss the parking lot's asphalt. "Why do I tolerate you?" She asked, adjusting her sunglasses. She grabbed her floppy hat and pulled it on. _

_"That thing is hideous," Santana told her making a face. _

_Rachel adjusted the hat in the mirror. "I wish I cared one ounce about what you thought," she laughed, sticking out her tongue. She turned around and smiled at her daughter. "You think I'm adorable, don't you?"_

_Lizzie clapped. "Tana!" She squealed, reaching for Santana._

_Her mother rolled her eyes. "Traitor," she muttered, opening her door._

_Santana laughed and got out of the car. "I'll get the mini. Since she loves her some Aunt…" She stopped when she noticed Rachel's face. "Rachel?" She looked around suddenly. "What is it? Paps?"_

_Rachel was shaking her head. Violently. _

_"Rach?" Santana went to open the back door._

_"No!" Rachel shouted, getting back in the car. "Get in! Let's go!"_

_She decided not to argue with the other girl until she got back in the car. Something had definitely spooked her. "What the hell is wrong?"_

_Rachel was staring. Luckily they'd rented a car with tinted windows. _

_Santana followed her gaze. Walking out of Whole Foods, pushing a grocery cart, was a woman who looked suspiciously like Quinn Fabray._

_Santana didn't need anymore prompting. She started the car and sped off._

* * *

About two miles from my house, I stopped. "Can we sit for a minute?" I asked Quinn.

"Sure," she answered, sitting down.

"I love the ocean," I told her, sitting down a few feet from her. I pulled my knees up to my chest.

She smiled at me. "You've said that."

I nodded. "It was one of the only reasons I wanted to move out here. I liked the water. And so did Lizzie." I sighed. "Most of the time I was scared of living here."

Quinn ran her hands through the sand. "Scared of what exactly?"

I decided to go ahead and tell her. "One day, about a year ago… when I was thinking about moving here…" I took a deep breath. "I'd rented a house on the beach. And we didn't have any groceries. I made Santana take me to Whole Foods." I tried to smile. "She hates Whole Foods. She says it's overpriced and pretentious."

Quinn nodded. "She's kind of right."

I frowned back at her. "But you shop there."

She seemed startled at that. "How do you…"

I shrugged. "I saw you. When we were here that time. I made Santana drive off. Eliza screamed all the way home because she thought she was getting out of the car…"

She stared at me open-mouthed. "You saw me…" she didn't finish.

I nodded. "I did. I… I sort of freaked out."

She looked as surprised as Quinn Fabray could possibly look. "I… why didn't you… I would've…" She couldn't seem to find the words. "I wish I'd had known," she settled for. "I would've never been… I would have liked to have seen you. And Eliza," she softly added, looking away.

I turned to the water. "You looked so pretty. You had a t-shirt on. It had a Batman logo on it. You were wearing jeans. Aviator sunglasses. The first thing I noticed was that you weren't carrying a purse."

She raised an eyebrow, still surprised. "I don't carry a purse anymore…" was all she said.

"It looked just like you, but… nothing like you. You know? No pastel skirts or… whatever…" I looked away. "I told myself it wasn't you. Santana said it wasn't you. We were both lying. It was funny, but I honestly talked myself out of believing I'd seen you."

"Why would you do that?" She asked. She was still watching me.

I shrugged.

I could tell she wanted to question me further, but she let it go. She started running her hand through the sand again.

"How long have you known you were gay?" I asked her.

She stopped her hand. "Brittany?" She asked.

I nodded.

She didn't seem embarrassed. Or shy. Or... I don't know... freaked out like I thought she would look. "Since high school," she whispered. "I guess I embraced it… or whatever… in college though."

I looked away from her. "Have you dated a lot of women?"

She watched me. I could tell by her eyes that she was contemplating her response. "Not really. I mean here and there, I guess. I have never been someone who…" she trailed off. "I've been in a few relationships."

So had I. But they'd been so long ago, I'd sort of forgotten what it was like. "I used to think after Eliza was born, I would start dating again. I thought about it some. But then I would get afraid that they wouldn't love her like I did. It scared me. Like what if I fell for someone who didn't love her? How could I do that to her? No one was going to love her as much as I did, except Santana. And Kurt." I sighed. "So I didn't date really. There were a few people I had dinner with, but… I didn't really like them. I always wondered what she was doing instead and couldn't wait to get home."

She'd pulled her sunglasses over her eyes. I couldn't believe she hadn't been wearing them. They were the perfect shield. She scooted closer to me though. I felt her hand touch mine. I turned to look at her, and suddenly heard the familiar click of a camera.

She frowned and bit her lip. She was up before I could even turn around.

"Quinn," I called.

"Stay there," she hissed.

I didn't know how the guy had gotten so close to us. We didn't even hear him. I supposed sand softened the sound of footprints and waves drowned them out.

The man, who was standing about twenty feet away from us, threw up his hands. The camera was around his neck. He picked it up and took a few more shots as she advanced on him. I felt my stomach drop. I couldn't imagine the headlines. To be honest, I couldn't even care.

She was as fast as Santana had ever been. I'd seen Santana almost assault a photographer before. She'd been brutal. Angry. Shaking. But, Quinn was controlled. It was sort of mesmerizing to watch. I could still tell by the way she was walking that she was angry. And yet she was in incredible control of her emotions.

She stepped very close to him. "I'm going to ask you for that camera," she said. "I'm going to take it back to Rachel's house and I'm going to erase it. And then you can have it back. I'll even mail it to you. But you're going to have to give it to me."

I'd stayed where I was, but I was standing now. I walked a bit closer.

"Rachel," she warned, not turning around. "Stay back." I had no idea how she'd heard me. "Give me the fucking camera." It was odd how threatening she could sound with such a level cadence. He had no idea how angry she actually was.

He shook his head, laughing. "Listen lady. This right here is gold. It's gonna put my kids through college one day. Assuming I ever have any." He was smirking at her.

She shook her head. "I don't think you understand what I'm saying. You're either going to give me the camera or I'm going to take it. You don't want me to take it." She moved within inches of his personal space. "I know I might not look like much, but I could take you down in under thirty seconds. I work out. Everyday. You have a pressure point here," she pointed to her neck. "And here," she said, pointing to her armpit. "And here," she said, pointing to her temple. "You even have pressure points here," She touched the inside of wrist her and under her nose. "Not to mention, what I could do there," she gestured to his crotch. "You might could protect one, but… you can't protect them all. And let's face it; while I've been learning about pressure points and how to rob a man of his future children, you've been eating cheeseburgers. So you give me the camera, and I won't give you an aneurism. And you can walk away intact, not getting beat up by a chick, and most importantly with the knowledge you Did Not. Just. Exploit. The. Pain. Of. A. Grieving. Mother." She growled out the last part.

I shuddered when I thought about how many times I'd been on the receiving end of that voice.

I couldn't see her face. But he could. And then she touched him. Lightly on the shoulder. Or what looked to me like a light touch. I had no idea what that actually did to him, but he lost his smirk quickly and he handed her the camera.

She took it. "Apologize to her," she growled again.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Ms. Berry. For your loss and for…I…" He looked terrified. I felt sorry for him all of a sudden. He actually had a terrible job.

I nodded. "Thank you," I said, walking up next to her. I smiled softly at him.

"You must feel like a big man?" She said, never breaking eye contact with him. "Look at her, she's smiling. And it's the only reason I'm not breaking your arm." I hid my gasp. Who the heck was this woman?

He gasped and then turned as if to run away.

"Hey," she called before he could leave. "I need your address."

He reached in his pocket and grabbed a card, throwing it at her.

By the time she'd picked it up, he was gone.

She tossed the camera from hand to hand. "I hope someone knows how to erase this," she said, frowning at me.

"Kurt can," I answered. I was incredibly distracted. "You're a really good actress, Quinn. You had him believing that you could actually hurt him."

She cocked her eyebrow at me, smirking. "Who said I was acting?"

* * *

We walked faster back to the house. We hadn't really spoken, but I noticed Quinn was tossing the camera back and forth like a baseball.

"That's probably a two thousand dollar camera," I told her.

She shook her head. "Definitely more," she answered, eyeing it.

"You're going to drop it," I offered.

She shrugged. "Actually, I'm not. But I don't really care. I should have hit him. He was a fucking sleazeball."

I was insanely glad she hadn't. I watched her face. I vaguely remembered last night. I'd gotten the wine bottle out of her grasp easily. In fact, I'd wiggled out of her grasp easily. There was no way she could actually… "Last night, I got that wine bottle away from you pretty easily."

She nodded.

"Did you let me?"

She nodded again. "Of course I did. What was I going to do? Wrestle you for it?"

I didn't want to believe her. "So you could've taken it?"

She stopped walking momentarily but this time she looked around to make sure no one was close to us. "I have a lot of down time, Rachel. I took a few classes. More than a few honestly."

I looked at her arms then. I couldn't believe I didn't notice it before. She was what Santana would call cut. Defined. She had always been in shape but...

"Would you have really taken the camera? If he hadn't given it you? Would you have hurt him?" I was more than curious now.

"Yes." She frowned and continued back to the house. "We should really get back. If someone gets your picture, Santana is going to turn psycho and I'd rather not be on the receiving end of anymore of her wrath today."

She walked a bit ahead of me then.

I realized that I didn't know this Quinn Fabray at all.

* * *

"What the fuck is that?" Santana asked when we walked in. She, Kurt, and Brittany were standing in the kitchen. She was dressed in whatever the heck Kurt had bought her for the interview.

Quinn quirked her eyebrow. "Nice suit." She smiled at me. "Someone tried to take her picture."

Santana eyed me and then turned back to her, rolling her eyes. "And then he just gave you his camera?"

Quinn nodded. "Yep."

She didn't seem convinced. "Well give it here so I can trash it."

I shook my head. These two were way to prone to destruction today. "She promised to mail it back to him." I took the camera from Quinn and handed it to Kurt. "Can you erase everything on it?"

"Oh hell no," Santana protested about to grab it from Kurt's grasp. "No way you're sending that thing back. Fuck him."

I shook my head again. "I'm not arguing." I turned to Kurt. "I don't want to know who or what is on it. Just erase everything. Please."

He looked conflicted. There was no way he wasn't going to do what I asked though. Even if Santana was giving him that look. "No problem. I'll wipe it clean." He smiled. "Was it a nice walk? Besides the shark attack?"

I looked at Quinn. That was definitely a loaded question. I smiled softly. "It was interesting." I sighed then. "Where's my daddy?"

"In here, sugar." I heard him call from the living room.

I turned and left them in the kitchen.

I had had a good walk. It was nice to get out of the house. And Quinn was… well, she was Quinn. But I felt a sort of sick sadness fall over me when we got back.

My daddy was sitting on the couch in the living room reading a magazine. I crawled up beside him and curled into him. "Tell me how to make it stop being sad," I whispered.

He held me and patted my head. "I don't think I can, baby. You've just got to get through it." His voice choked.

"I don't know if I can." I sighed. "I think I want to…" I took a very deep breath. "Has Dad sold the house yet?"

He shook his head. "No, sweetie. He's just getting it ready to be put on the market."

I laid my head back on his shoulder. "I think I'd like to go to Lima. Just for a few days. I want to spread some ashes there. Is that okay?"

He kissed the top of my head. "Of course it is, baby."

I let him hold me. I knew I would never get to hold my daughter like this. Never comfort her again. I tried to swallow the tears but I couldn't.

I just let them fall.

* * *

**Thank you for all the reviews and follows. Next chapter brings back some old memories... and people.**

**Extra points for the book reference (without Google). You don't really win anything cause I don't own anything, but still... bragging rights and all.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Longest chapter yet. Hope that's okay. **

**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. **

* * *

Chapter 7

After Eliza was born, we'd visited Lima. Not a lot. And we never got far away from our parents' houses. Or Hudson's. The more famous Rachel got, the harder it was for her to escape the press, but in Lima we were safe. Sure there were nosy people and shit… but we were careful not to announce she was coming. For that reason, we didn't run into many people. That was a blessing.

That being said, none of us were too keen on heading back. The accident and everything surrounding it had been headlined news all over the country. And Lima was definitely in the spotlight. They'd interviewed a few people we'd gone to high school with… I didn't remember any of them. Rachel probably would have, but she didn't watch them.

But sorta like everything else, we just had to go with it. I wasn't sure about Q and Britts coming, for several reasons, but apparently they'd been home a few times over the last couple of years too. And Rachel had specifically asked for them to come… so they came.

After Rachel got back from her walk that day, she went back to sorta pre-Quinn visit in some ways. She stayed in her room. She slept. She wasn't drinking as much and that was good. But we were on door duty more days than not. Some days she'd let Britts in. Some days Q. Most days I could talk my way in to the room, but she wouldn't speak to me. She wasn't saying much of anything to any of us.

More times than not, she was living in this in-between space. We'd catch her walking around like she didn't know where she was. One time I found her in the driveway. Q found her on the beach a couple of nights later. Kurt found her pacing the deck the next day. Brittany found her sitting in the shower. Every time she was confused and disoriented. We just led her back to the bedroom and watched her sleep.

We flew out a week later. I had my interview and was starting work next month. I didn't mention my famous friend and her famous tragedy, but my fucking face had ended up all over everything anyway, and they knew who I was.

The reason that I took the job was that they pretended that they didn't.

Rachel's manager had arranged for a private jet to fly us out and Hiram met us at the airport. It was a short drive to the Berry's house. I wasn't sure why, but we'd all decided to stay there. I mean shit, I knew why. No one wanted to leave her. We hadn't really discussed sleeping arrangements, but Rach was in zombie mode so we just decided to wing it. I was happy to have Brit with us. And learning to tolerate Q. That was enough. My mami was coming by later. So was Q's. Britt's parents were stopping by tomorrow.

The Hummels and Hudsons were meeting us there.

* * *

To be honest, I was slightly worried about Rachel seeing Lucas. The little boy had just turned five. He was three years older than Eliza but he always loved to see her. He played with her and was always really sweet. I told Rach he got that from his mom, Kara. But to be honest, it was just a Hudson thing to do.

Both their cars were in the driveway when we pulled up. Hiram told us they were gonna be there, but Rachel hadn't said much about it. Kara and Carol met us outside.

Kurt squealed. He loved his stepmother and I was honestly glad he got to see her again. Circumstances aside.

Kara hugged Kurt and then walked up to Rachel. "I'm so happy to see you," she said. She hugged Rachel as well. The chick was completely genuine. She'd loved Rachel from the first moment she met her three years ago.

Q's face was screwed up. She couldn't understand it either. "Don't ask," I muttered so only she could hear.

After an inordinate amount of fucking hugs and introductions, we went inside.

"Lucas is so excited to see you," Kara began. "He's downstairs with Burt…" She didn't finish before Kurt jetted off. She grinned at that. "He's just a little confused and well, we didn't want to…" She frowned. "We didn't want him to upset you. So if you aren't up to it, Burt can take him home."

Lucas had stayed with his other grandparents while the Hummels and Finn and Kara had been in California for the funeral.

Rachel smiled for the first time in six days. "I'd love to see him, Kara." She turned to look at me. "I'm sure Santana would as well."

I nodded. "Of course," I answered. Cause Rachel wanted me to.

Brittany clapped her hands. "I can't wait to meet him," she smiled.

Q just nodded. She didn't trust anything right now. She was never more than ten feet from Rachel. To be honest, I was never more than five.

"I'll go get him," Kara said.

And when she walked to the stairs, Finn was walking up.

"Rach," he said. He pulled her into a hug.

It was always weird watching him hug her. When we were younger, I had the constant desire to stab him. I was never sure why. I think it was because he looked like he was gonna swallow her or something.

But… he honestly cared about her. Loved her. And when he hugged her, she broke once again.

I saw Carol's tears the same time I saw Britt's. She led her into the kitchen with Hiram and Leroy.

It was awkward. Me and Q just standing there while they hugged and she cried. He was trying not to cry but it wasn't working out that well for him. I chanced a look at Q's face...

Dios mío… I grabbed her arm and drug her out before whatever the hell it was she was thinking spilled out of her mouth.

I threw open the back door and pulled her onto the patio. "Get that shit in check, Fabray," I snarled.

She had that controlled anger face going on. She was about to explode. "I'm fine, Lopez," she hissed.

I rolled my eyes and let go of her arm. "You show your dumb ass in there and Rachel will never forgive you. I know you got some misguided jealous tendencies when it comes to Hudson, but you best swallow that bullshit right now."

She started to speak, but stopped herself. She decided to take a few breaths instead. "The last conversation Finn and I had wasn't what you'd called pleasant."

I could only imagine. "Tough shit. They're over their differences. You get to be over yours."

"He still loves her," she mumbled.

I groaned. "So does half the world, Q. You're gonna give yourself a serious ulcer worrying about who loves Rachel more." I sighed. "Be glad people fucking care about her and stop wanting to piss all over the territory you've assumed is yours."

"Let's just go back inside." She seemed a bit calmer but I didn't trust that shit.

I shook my head. "No. Listen up. Luke's in there. And he's a kid. So suck it up and smile and play nice. And if Hudson takes a swing at you, I expect you to be the bigger person and take the fucking hit." I thought for a second. "And be nice to the wife. She's cool."

The muscles were flexing in her jaw. "Does she know? That Finn has that one true love thing for Rachel?" She sounded disgusted.

I shrugged. "I figure she does. Gotta be a bigger person than us if she can overlook it, huh?"

She turned to walk back inside. "Or dumber," she muttered.

Fucking A. I shook my head and followed her in.

Hiram met us at the door. "Burt and I are grabbing your bags out of the car," he said. "You're all staying here?" He was looking at me, but he was totally talking to Q.

Leroy had what you could call a forgiving nature. H, not so much. I absolutely got him there.

I nodded. "Is that fine?"

"Of course," he said. He looked at Quinn then. "Does you mother know you've landed?"

She nodded. She was definitely back to shy mode. A result of years of being an asshat, I guessed. "Yes. I spoke to her last night." She bit her lip, like she was thinking. "I'm very sorry for your loss, Mr. Berry." Props to her for looking him in the face and all.

He nodded back. "Your mother sent a beautiful card and has been by a few times to check on me since I've gotten back. She's even brought me dinner. She's a wonderful person. I wish I could've gotten to know her under different circumstances." He looked away.

Q was totally stunned. Apparently Judy hadn't mentioned this to her. She was mulling over what to say when he walked off.

"That's kinda weird," I said, just to kill the silence.

"My mom's all about the PFLAG now," she answered me. "Guess she has to be with a lesbian for a daughter."

I shrugged. Stranger things had happened.

* * *

When we got back to the living room, Carol and Brittany were sitting with Rachel and Leroy. I guessed Finn had gone downstairs to get the kid.

Quinn sat on the other side of Rachel and I took a seat across the room. I could see her face better from here. I was extremely worried about this. Rachel always had a soft spot in her heart for Lucas, and I loved that about her. But he was gonna probably be asking some really difficult questions.

Kurt brought him up a few minutes later.

"Look who I found," Kurt said. "He was hiding behind the couch the whole time."

The kid was a smart blend of his mother and Hudson. He had that easygoing personality and genuine smile. He walked in slowly, mom and dad trailing nervously behind him.

"Hi," he said. He was biting his lip.

"Hi," Brittany answered first.

Carol smiled. "This is Brittany, Luke. She's a friend of your daddy and uncle Kurt's. They went to school together. She's a dancer. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

He smiled at her. "Yep."

I was watching Rachel. She was… I wasn't sure, really. Not smiling. But not frowning. She was just sort of watching him.

"Daddy," she turned to Leroy. "Can you get my bag?"

I had no idea what the hell she needed her purse for. I hoped I'd gotten all the pill bottles out. Q shot me a look and I shrugged as softly as I could in response.

Her purse was sitting next to Papa B, so he handed it to her. She opened it up and pulled out a present wrapped in blue and orange wrapping paper. My first thought was how the fuck had she fit that in her purse…

"I missed your birthday," she told Luke. "I've had this for a few weeks though and I remembered to bring it. Because little boys only turn five once." She smiled at him.

He smiled back, obviously wanting to take the toy and rip into it. Someone though, probably his mother if I was a betting woman, had taught the kid manners. "My mommy said Lizzie's in heaven."

Seven people held their breath.

Rachel just nodded.

"I'm gonna miss her." He frowned.

"Me too, sweetie." She frowned back. I couldn't breathe. She held the gift out. "You can have it. It's yours."

"Thank you, Aunt Rachel," he said, walking closer to her. He took the package "Can I open it?" He asked her.

"Of course you can. That's why I brought it." She patted his hand.

Brittany was sitting on one side of Rach and Q was on the other. Brittany was trying to smile at him. Quinn's face was a mask. I knew what the fuck she was thinking though.

"Rach," Finn started. "You didn't have…"

She held up her hand. "Stop. Of course I did."

I noticed Kara's face. They were sharing a look. We were all kinda holding our breath still. I wasn't sure if she was gonna break or not, but I kinda wanted to see what the hell she'd gotten him at least.

He pulled the paper off as fast as he could. He held up the box to his daddy as his eyes lit up. "It's an iPad!" He squealed. "Look Daddy!" He was jumping up and down. "Thanks, Aunt Rachel," he said, jumping into her arms. "You're my favorite aunt ever."

She held him to her. "You're my favorite little boy ever," she said. She smiled at Kara. "I hope this okay. It's a kid friendly one. They're new. He can play games and surf safely. I know he likes to play with yours, so I thought we should get him one that fit into his hands and was a bit more indestructible."

Kara nodded. "Of course it's okay. Uh… thank you. You really didn't have to…"

Rachel shook her head. "It was his birthday. I forgot to call him. I couldn't not…" And then her voice choked.

And fuck.

"I'm Quinn," Q said, leaning up and offering her hand to the little boy before Rach could start crying. Quick thinking on her part. Cause that totally caught every one of us off guard. "We haven't met," she smiled at him.

He settled into Rachel's lap, clutching the box to his chest with one hand and shaking her hand with the other. "I'm Luke and I seed you before in the pictures."

Quinn's eyebrow shot up. "Pictures?"

He nodded. "Uh huh. My daddy has pictures when he's in one of those black suits," he scrunched up his nose and looked at Finn. "What's it called?"

"Tuxedo," Kurt answered for him.

"Yeah, Tuxedo. You had a dress on." He studied her. She was in shorts and a t-shirt. He looked like he couldn't believe she'd had on a dress before. Looking at her now, I couldn't blame him.

She started to answer him, but he just turned back to Rachel. Gotta love a kid's attention span. "Can I play music on this, Aunt Rachel?"

She nodded. "Sure you can."

He hopped down and ran over to Kurt. "Will you show me how?"

Kurt scooped him up. "Of course I will," he said, kissing his cheek. "Let's go find your grandpa and see if he can get the box open. I don't want to break a nail."

I rolled my eyes but figured I'd refrain since half the people in the room were de facto related to his little fairy ass.

"You have a really cool kid," Brittany said, breaking the silence. She stood up and walked over to Finn. "You look good too." She hugged him.

"Thanks, Britt. I've seen a few of your music videos. Your dance moves still kinda amaze me."

Kara laughed. "You'd think the amount of time he spent around all of you would've rubbed off somewhat. He may be the worst dancer I've ever met."

Brittany nodded, even as we laughed. "No, he totally is. You're right about that."

Had to love my girl's honesty.

Carol stood up. "I'm going to find the boys and make sure no one broke a nail," she announced. She smiled at Rachel. "Thanks for the gift, Rachel. You remain one of the few people who can constantly amaze me."

Rachel smiled softly at that. "I try," she offered.

Leroy smiled too. "I'm going to find my husband and make sure he got the bags put away," he said, following Carol out.

Q was watching Finn. They hadn't spoken to each other, but if my estimations were correct they'd made eye contact at least half a dozen times. I wasn't sure when the ice was gonna break. I decided to just say fuck it and break it myself.

I stood up. "So Hudson, this is Fabray. Fabray, Hudson." I said, eyeing the both of them.

"Quinn," he muttered.

"Finn," she uttered back.

Holy shit, I needed a drink.

"Hey," Britt interrupted. "Did you guys not recognize each other? That's really weird."

"Nah Britts, they recognize each other." I smiled at her. "Just trying to break the tension that was high school drama and has no place in this house right now," I pointedly added.

Kara was the one who broke us from said tension though. At least for a moment anyway. "Rachel, I was wondering if I could show you something? I don't mean to monopolize your time or anything, but I just wanted…"

Rachel stood up before she could finish. "Sure," she answered sweetly.

Kara smiled at me and Britt. "Would you like to join us?"

Britt nodded, even as I shook my head.

"You guys go. I'm thinking I need to stay here." I pulled Brittany aside, when they walked out. "Her pills are in my bag. Don't let her near it. H should've locked the wine up, but… she's resourceful when she's nervous." I whispered.

Brittany smiled and nodded. "I'm a good bodyguard, S. No worries." She leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Heads up – Q's about to have a stroke. I know you wanna hit her sometimes, but don't let her, okay?"

I nodded. "Tit for tat, B."

She patted me on the back.

For their part, Hudson and Q hadn't knocked off the staring contest since the others left. I cleared my throat. "Okay, dipshits. Get this out now. Cause we are not wading around in this fucking weird ass pissing contest all weekend." I moved closer and sat down next to Q. "Good to see you, b dubs," I told him.

"You too, Santana." He said. He sat down in the chair across from the couch. "I have to admit I was shocked to hear about you coming."

Quinn clenched her fists.

"You had to have known Q's been at Rach's. You talk to Kurt everyday." I cut in.

He nodded. "Seeing and believing are sometimes two different things. He said you'd changed," he offered, looking at Quinn. "He wasn't exaggerating."

She quirked her eyebrow. "Is that an insult?"

I cleared my throat. "Let the damn man make an observation, Q." I cut my eyes at her. We'd just fucking talked about this. Take the fucking hit and shut up. I might as well had been talking to a badger.

"You shouldn't have come," Hudson stated, standing up.

I groaned inwardly.

She jumped up and moved closer to him. Cause apparently everything I'd told her not ten minutes earlier was definitely me just wasting my breath. I stood beside her. Quiet Quinn was fucking scarier than Raging Quinn.

"Rachel's in pain. And there's no doubt in my mind that you're going to take advantage of it. Because that's what you do." He was basically growling at this point.

He was watching her face. Me too for that matter. She definitely had that motherfucking calm before the shitstorm of the century currently crossing it.

"You were always jealous of Rachel," he continued, because apparently he'd left his brain in his wife's purse. Guess she let him keep his balls. "You wanted what she had. Her voice. Her kindness. Her boyfriend…" he snarled. "Now you want her pain. It's amazing how you can make that about you. Even here daughter's death. I wondered how low you would stoop, but I had no idea…"

… And holy shit she was fast! I jumped and grabbed her around the waist. He was fucking smart enough to jump back. She was wriggling, and she was fucking strong. "Stop it, dumbass," I said, as loud as I dared.

Scariest shit about all of this… she wasn't speaking. She stopped moving though.

I let her go and slid between them. I held one hand behind my back, to keep her in place, and poked him in the chest with the other one. "Listen up. I get you don't want her here. And I keep having to make this announcement, but this isn't fucking about you, Hudson. Fall in line."

He rolled his eyes. "And when did you become her biggest cheerleader?"

"Fuck you both. I don't really give two shits about your drama. I just don't want Rachel to see you posturing about like two jackasses. Get over it." I snarled.

He smirked. "Do you know why she's here? Ask her. She's talked herself into believing she loved Rachel. She thinks that that makes up for all the hell she put her through."

I groaned. "How many years ago was that, dude? Seriously. Get over it. If you've forgotten you've got a wife in the other room. And a son. Neither one of you is Rachel's knight in shining armor."

"You can't possibly believe her," he growled.

I started to answer him, but Rachel beat me to it. "Finn." Fuck. I hadn't even seen her walk in.

We all three turned around to look at her. She was standing in the archway, one arm around her waist.

"Rach," Quinn started. Her voice had completely gone soft.

Rach ignored her. "Finn," she said again. "Kara told me what you planned… I… uh…" Her eyes filled with tears. "I know it's too late to cancel it, but I really wish you'd have asked me first."

We both spun around to him.

"I just thought…"

Rachel held up her hand. "It's fine. Just, don't…" she waved her hand toward Q. "I wanted Quinn to come. She's been nothing but kind to me this last week. I don't know what you're arguing about, but I don't want Kara to hear you. Or Lucas. So please stop." She smiled sadly at me. "Brittany is teaching him how to dance." It was the first time I'd noticed the glass in her hand. Fucking Hiram.

"Whatcha drinking?" I asked.

She shrugged at me.

I tried not to moan. I looked at Hudson instead. "And what the fuck is she talking about?"

"I just invited some of the old gang, you know, to a memorial service. Nothing fancy… just…" he looked away.

Quinn didn't bother biting back her own moan. "You are still a moron," she muttered. She frowned at Rachel. "Are you okay?" She asked, moving closer to her. She put her hand on Rachel's glass.

Rach held the glass tighter. "I'm fine. I'm going to spend some time with my dad. Please don't fight," she frowned, eyeing Q. She brushed a piece of Quinn's hair out of her eyes. "It's silly. I asked you to come. So you're arguing about something that's pointless basically. Don't; okay?"

I watched Quinn's shoulders deflate. She was nodding, even as she continued to eye the glass. "Wanna give me that?" She asked hopefully.

Ha. Good luck with that.

"No thank you," Rachel answered. She smiled at her. "Be nice, Santana," she said, winking. She turned around and walked away.

Gotta give the girl credit for knowing me. As soon as she was gone, I poked him in the chest again. "Have you lost your fucking mind?" He backed up. "Who the fuck did you invite to this little shindig? Do you even realize we don't talk to these people? That Rachel is The fucking Rachel Berry. You can't just throw a memorial service. Jesus Christ!"

"It's just the Glee members. The original ones. Even Mercedes and Sam…" He was frowning. I guess the clue he needed to get hit him all of a sudden. "Does she always drink?"

Q stepped around me. "The only thing keeping me from kicking your ass is Rachel, Finn Hudson." She was the one poking him in the chest this time. "I know what you did that day. I know it's because you figured it out, didn't you? You knew how she felt…" what the fuck was she talking about? "I get it now."

He held her gaze. "So go tell her," he challenged.

She shook her head. "I wouldn't stoop to your level. I was hoping you'd changed. I was wrong about that. But not surprised."

"What the hell?" I asked them.

They both just stared.

* * *

_Quinn paced the floor of her living. Back. Forth. It was ten o'clock. Or three minutes after. She kept glancing at the time._

_"You're going to wear a hole in floor, Quinnie." Her mother was watching from the doorway. "What time does her train leave?"_

_"Twelve thirty," Quinn muttered._

_"You've got plenty of time then. Sit down. I know you and Rachel have become friends and I know you're going to miss her, but you'll only be an hour away from her in a month."_

_Quinn ignored her mother and continued pacing. Her mother was right. About all of it. But what she didn't know was that today was going to potentially be the day that every single thing in her life changed. The thought was causing her to panic._

_She'd decided to just tell Rachel. That was simple. Just tell her how she felt. She'd been spending so much time with her lately, and she'd… she'd had a million chances. But she'd chickened out every single time. She just couldn't find the words to say it out loud. Well maybe once... maybe she knew. But... The fear of rejection was scary to most people, but to Quinn it was downright fucking terrifying. _

_Instead, she'd spent hours writing it all down. Pages and pages. And then she'd revised it. Rewrote it and addressed the letter to Rachel. She'd bought Rachel a going away gift – a music box – and inside she'd put the letter. She figured Rachel would get it when she got to New York. Rejection was easier to deal with ten hours away._

_She held the gift in her hand. And continued pacing. She was about to just get in her car and take it to Rachel's house. Leave it with her fathers and walk out. She could get in her car and just drive until she could breathe properly again. She saw her keys lying on the coffee table and went to grab them. That's when she noticed her phone vibrating. It was Finn._

_***Rach wanted me to text U. She took early train. 2 excited bout NY. Said C U later.***_

_Quinn read the message four times before she threw the phone and the gift against the wall and ran to her room. _

_Her phone shattered. The music box stayed intact._

* * *

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed at the two of them. They were about as stupid as I was frustrated.

"So in case you two fuckwads, didn't notice, Rachel is drinking. I'll leave you to beat the hell out of each other. Just go outside and do it," I muttered, walking off from the epic staring contest they were having.

* * *

Ten minutes later – still no sign of Rachel. We'd looked all over the house. Britts felt like shit cause Rachel told her she was going to the bathroom. Wasn't her fault though. It was totally these two morons standing in front of me frowning.

"Look, she couldn't have gone far," I told the room. "We just need to calm down." I took a deep breath. "You guys head out front and look," I told Kurt and the Hummel-Hudsons. "We'll head out back."

They nodded. I was trying to separate Q and Finn anyway. Quinn kept touching something in her pocket. It was probably her cell phone, but I wouldn't put it passed her to have a shank in there. The last thing I needed to deal with right now was her gutting his ass.

"Where's Rachel?" Lucas asked.

"Napping," I told him before they could answer.

He nodded like that made sense and followed his dad out the front door.

* * *

"Rachel?" Leroy called into the backyard as soon as we walked out.

I sighed. I wondered how deep she'd gotten into that bottle.

"Rach?" Brittany tried.

"Rachel Barbra Berry!" I was a little more forceful.

I looked up to see Quinn standing on the other side of the big tree in the yard. "Over here," she called out. She was staring at something. I assumed it was my tiny little friend.

Everyone ran over.

"Where's Kurt?" Was the first thing out of her mouth.

Her dad sighed. "We've been looking for you for ten minutes. They're walking up and down the street. You can't just wander off like that, honey."

Leroy nodded. "You scared us. Please don't do that."

Brittany was frowning. I had my arms crossed and followed Q's eye line. I tried to figure out how much she'd drank but I wasn't sure if the bottle had been opened when she found it. "Serious, H…"

He looked stricken. "I forgot it was there. It was in the back of the pantry." Damn it. Did I have to do everything?

She sighed. "Please stop hiding the liquor, Santana. I'm not a child." She eyed her dad. "And I'm not going to get lost. I need to be alone right now. So please go tell Kurt and the others I'm fine."

The Berry men caught my eye. They deferred to all things Lopez when it came to my demands. I motioned with my head back towards the house. And just like that – they turned around and walked back.

She closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. "You're authority still astounds me," She took another drink.

Brittany sat down cross-legged a few feet away from her. "You lied to me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know she told you to watch me. I shouldn't have lied."

She nodded. "If you want a drink, you should have one. You're an adult. Just don't tell me you're going to the bathroom if you're not. You don't have to trick me, Rach."

Pain crossed her face. I knew the feeling. No one liked lying to B. "Okay."

Quinn and I sat down across from each other. We were arranged in a tight little circle at the base of the tree. Kumbaya had definitely come back to bite me in the ass.

Rachel gazed back and forth. "What was that about? With Finn earlier?"

We shared a look and then Q shook her head at me discreetly. I agreed and nodded back. "It was nothing," she said. "If we're gonna sit out here with you, you're gonna have to share though."

I nodded. "I've been needing a fucking drink since we got here." And I wasn't lying.

Brittany shrugged. "I haven't," she smiled. "But now I kinda want one too."

"Pass the bottle around, Berry." Quinn smiled.

She handed it to her. "If you pour it out, I'm going to…" She thought for a second. "…jump in the pool."

Jesus. She wasn't fucking kidding either. "Nobody's gonna pour it out. That's good bourbon."

Quinn turned up the bottle like a professional. She didn't even grimace. She handed it to Brittany, who did make a face. I tipped it back and handed it to Rach. After she had her own drink, we started the process all over again. It was strange watching to be honest. We were just passing a bottle around, not talking. On the third pass, it was almost empty.

I spoke first. "Wanna talk?" I asked her.

She shrugged. We were all feeling the alcohol. "I want to spread her ashes."

We held our breath. She hadn't mentioned that.

"I want to scatter some at the beach. When we get home. But…" she sighed, and motioned for the bottle. Brittany handed it to her. She took another drink. "When I was little, I helped my daddy plant that rosebush." She motioned with her hand to her left. We turned and looked at the same time. "When I was sad or whatever…I would always pick a rose off the bush, I mean when they were in season. There was something about plucking each petal off the rose, it sort of was like plucking a piece of pain away…" she shook her head, trying to focus. "Anyway, when we were here last, Eliza wanted to come outside everyday and pick a rose. Do you remember that?" she asked me.

I looked away, nodding.

She made eye contact with Quinn and Brittany instead. "Everyday, she'd say 'wose,' and beg us to come outside. She loved the smell and she liked to wear the flowers in her hair." I watched her bite her lip "It sounds silly…"

Brittany shook her head. "No it doesn't. It's your memory, Rach. It's not silly."

"I don't know about Saturday…" She finally said.

Saturday was the day Kara said Finn had planned the memorial. I felt sick even thinking about it.

"We can call it off," I said.

"Services are for grieving families. And if you don't want one…" Quinn sighed. "…he should've asked you." She started to say more but closed her mouth suddenly. She shook her head. "Where's the treehouse?"

Rachel seemed surprised. "You remember that?"

She nodded. "Of course I do."

"What fucking treehouse?" I asked.

"I had a treehouse when I was little. My dads tore it down after I went to college. It was rotting or something." She turned back to Quinn. "I slept in it one night senior year…"

* * *

_Quinn Fabray was drunk. Like belligerent, crazy, hobo drunk. She couldn't remember ever being this drunk. There was that one time the whole club had dipped into the alcohol vat, but damn… she was close to falling over._

_"This is the stupidest idea you've ever had, Q." Puck said, taking a left turn. He was sober. A real first honestly. _

_"You took her home," she drawled. "And you didn't tell me." She smacked his arm. _

_He rolled his eyes. "I didn't know I needed to run my risk management by you."_

_"Well you do," she muttered, crossing her arms. _

_It was the Saturday night after Nationals and the club was celebrating their win. Santana had scored a lot of alcohol, Quinn still wasn't sure how, and threw a party for the rest of Glee. There'd been a lot of singing. And a lot more drinking. _

_Puck sighed dramatically. "First, I didn't drink because you dumbasses are knocking it back like it's 1999 and second of all I turn into teenage girls' cab service. When we get back, I'm back on the bottle."_

_"I'm not going back," she slurred. "I'm gonna find Berry."_

_He shook his head at just how drunk she was. "I've already told you five thousand times, she's at home. I'm not sure what you're doing, but… you need to lay off, Q."_

_"Why'd you take her home anyway?" She asked, sipping a beer._

_"Cause she said she wanted to go home. She was having a good time. And then she wasn't. I don't know. She didn't talk in the car." He pulled onto Rachel's street. "You just gonna walk up to her door? Knock?"_

_"Her dads aren't home tonight…"_

_He decided he didn't want to know how she knew that._

_She had her hand on the door handle before he'd even put the car in park. "I'm coming in with you."_

_She shrugged. _

_They rang the doorbell first. Then they knocked. Puck had an epiphany and tried the doorknob before Q knocked a hole through the door._

_"Rachel?" He called into the house. "You home?"_

_"Rach!" Quinn slurred beside him. "Where are you hiding, Rachel Berry?" Her voice had a singsong quality Puck had never heard before. "Rach…el," She called out. She saw the back door was open. "She's out back."_

_She walked out and Puck had a minor freak out worried that Rachel had fallen in the pool or something equally horrible. He ran around Quinn. "Rachel!" He yelled into the backyard._

_"She's not here," he heard a voice from above them. _

_"Well then who's answering me?"_

_"The tree," Quinn pointed helpfully. "The tree was talking."_

_He followed her finger. "The tree sounds a helluva lot like Rachel."_

_She nodded and walked around him. "She's in the treehouse. I'll see you later, Puckerman." She started climbing up the makeshift ladder. _

_He ran up behind her. "Jesus Christ, Fabray. Warn a dude." He spotted her as she climbed up. _

_"Whatcha doin?" He heard Q ask her in that same singsong voice._

_He rolled his eyes. Santana was right; Quinn Fabray was the biggest repressed lesbian on the planet. "I'm going to watch TV," he called to them. He didn't think Quinn would hurt her, but he wasn't about to leave the two of them alone. Drunk. There was a good chance they might kill each other. And a small chance they might hook up. He figured he should be there either way._

* * *

_Quinn turned her phone on and bathed the treehouse in light. "Watcha doin?" She asked._

_Rachel was sitting in the corner. "Quinn Fabray, may I ask why it is you have decided to climb into my treehouse? Or what, in fact, you're doing at my actual house?"_

_Quinn stumbled on a board, but righted herself in time. She sat down next to Rachel. "You left the party." _

_Rachel shook her head incredulously. "I find that answer inadequate," she told her. "I did leave the party. However that does not explain why you felt the need to come and find me."_

_Quinn shrugged. "Wanted to, I guess."_

_Rachel closed her eyes momentarily. "You are the most confusing person I have ever met."_

_"Not really," Quinn offered. "I'm pretty easy to read I think."_

_Rachel scrunched her face at that. "Nonsense. You happen to be the most closed off individual I've ever encountered. You are definitely not 'easy to read.' I never know if you are angry or just being, well… Quinn. Tonight, I tried three times to speak to you. First you growled at me. The second time you told me to, in your words, 'Fuck off, Berry.' And the third time, if I am not mistaken, you pretended like you were crying so I would leave you alone. I'm sorry if you've mistaken that to be 'easy to read.' I can assure you it is anything but."_

_Quinn turned to look at her. "I hear everything you say…"_

_Rachel's breath hitched. "What?" She asked quietly._

_"You talk a lot. But I hear it. All of it. It's why I don't talk a lot. Cause when I do, I can't hear you. Then I don't know what you're thinking. That makes me feel fuzzy." She was staring at the other girl._

_Rachel held her eye contact. "How much have you had to drink?"_

_Quinn shrugged. "A lot," she offered._

_Rachel nodded and sighed. "And why are you here?" She asked again._

_Quinn scooted closer to the other girl. "Cause you are," she answered._

_She kept nodding. "Right. And you want to be where I am." She stated. _

_Quinn nodded this time. "Yep."_

_She eyed her. She noticed how close the girl was. "Are you going to hurt me?"_

_Quinn laughed at that. "I don't want to hurt you, Rach."_

_She didn't believe her. "You'll have to excuse my presumption. I just assumed that you would…" She stopped speaking though because Quinn put her finger on the other girl's lip._

_"Shhhh," Quinn said, leaning closer._

_Rachel nodded mutely._

_"Okay, that's better. Now listen. I don't wanna hurt you. I wanted to see you. I made Puck drive me cause he took you home and he didn't tell me. He was supposed to tell me if you left. He doesn't listen worth a damn."_

_"Why?" She asked when the girl removed her finger._

_Quinn cocked her eyebrow. "Why what?"_

_"Why'd you want to see me?"_

_"Oh, cause you're Rachel. I always know where you are. It made me sad you went home…" she trailed off._

_Rachel was stunned. She opened and closed her mouth several times. She had no idea what to say. "I'm sad too." She finally whispered._

_"Why are you sad?" Quinn asked._

_The other girl just frowned at her. _

_Quinn stared at her mouth for a moment. "You know people always say you've got these big puppy dog eyes, and you totally do, but…" she frowned. "I think I like your lips better. You've got a good pout. It always makes my knees weak," she slurred._

_Rachel did what one could only call a phenomenal job of actually hiding the surprise from her face. "Weak?" She gulped out. She hadn't done such a good job of hiding it from her voice._

_Quinn nodded. And then she licked her lips. And Rachel felt her own knees go weak and was suddenly very glad she was sitting down. She watched the girl's hand as Quinn moved to cup her cheek. "Your eyes are good too, though."_

_"What…what are you…" Rachel couldn't speak. _

_"Do you want me to stop?" The girl asked her. Her voice was deeper than Rachel had thought possible._

_She shook her head very slowly. "No," she finally whispered._

_Quinn nodded and leaned in. _

_And when Quinn's lips touched the other girl's, she smiled into the kiss._

* * *

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." I was shaking my head. "Why the hell didn't you tell me that?" She told me everything. How the hell had I not known that?

She shrugged. "I was embarrassed. I didn't think…" She looked at Quinn. "She was gone the next morning. I thought she was freaking out. Or that she forgot. She never mentioned…"

Brittany smiled. "It's called gay panic. Q had it the next day like majorly."

Ha. No shit, I bet. Then I realized who'd spoke and swung my head around. "You knew?"

Brittany nodded. "Yeah."

Quinn threw up her hands in protest. "Hold up. I didn't tell her. She's just intuitive. I didn't even know she knew till a few years ago."

"I cannot believe you kept that shit from me, Rach. I thought the first time you kissed a girl was when we'd…" Holy shit. I put my hand over my mouth. I couldn't believe I'd said that shit out loud.

I didn't see Quinn's reaction, but I think I could physically hear her head turn around.

Brittany laughed. "Q said she was a good kisser. Was she?"

I groaned. There had to be a hole for me to crawl into somewhere around here.

"I knew it," Quinn muttered. I could hear that damn jealousy in every freaking word. Damn this girl was predictable.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh shut it, Fabray. We were drunk as fuck. It was a dare. We weren't even friends then. I'd just moved to New York and was crashing on her and Kurt's couch."

Rachek smiled and nodded. "It was a dare. Then I had to kiss Kurt. And then Rebecca. She was straight though. Remember her, Santana? She had that bright red hair?"

Oh did I ever. I laughed. "Holy shit. Do I remember her? How many times has she called my office the last few years trying to get your number? Either she's a famewhore or a little less than straight," I smirked.

Quinn's breath was labored. I watched Rach pat her on the knee. "Thanks for coming to find me," she told her, trying to change the subject. She made sure to catch her eye. "And I'm glad you remember that night." She smiled at her.

"I would never forget something like that," she whispered, looking away.

"Drunk Quinn was funny in high school," Brittany said. "Drunk Q is funny now. She talks about…"

"Nope," Quinn said, putting her hand over Brittany's mouth. "Stop sharing."

I quirked my eyebrow. I had an idea. I figured why the fuck not. Rachel was gonna drink no matter what. "We've got a basement. And we don't have anywhere to be. And Rachel's gonna fucking drink anyway so we might as well watch her. And in two days we gotta deal with all the assholes I personally never wanted to see again. So I say…" I grinned wickedly. "…fuck it, let's get wasted."

She glanced quickly between the other two. A slow smile spread on her face. "I'm game if you are?" She asked them.

Brittany nodded happily. Quinn sighed. "Okay, but no depressing drunk. Just tipsy. Agreed?"

We all nodded back to her.

We didn't need anything heavy tonight, but like I said earlier… I needed a fucking drink.

* * *

**So, I hope you guys liked it. I'm out of commission for a few days and I wanted to give you a longer chapter. **

**Thank you so much for reviews. They help spur me. Any and all grammar mistakes are mine. Sorry.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Nope. Not mine. **

* * *

Chapter 8

_Quinn walked down the silent halls of McKinley, quickly peering in every classroom before coming to the choir room. "Hey," she said, standing in the entrance._

_Rachel was sitting in one of the chairs, an opened book in her lap. "Hello, Quinn," she answered. "What are you doing here?"_

_"You've been missing from the lunchroom for a week, Berry. We were beginning to think you were having some clandestine affair." She smirked, arms crossed. She was still standing in the doorway._

_Rachel frowned. "I can assure you that is not the case." She looked back down to her homework._

_"Why are you hiding?" Quinn asked. She hadn't moved._

_Rachel sighed. She studied Quinn's face for a few seconds. "I'm not," she finally settled on._

_Quinn cocked her eyebrow. "So what are you doing then? Nationals are over, Berry." She crossed her arms. "You can stop preparing to bore us to death with lessons on elocution."_

_Rachel wasn't sure what the girl was getting at, but she was sure she didn't want to play. "Again, I can assure you I'm not. Why do you care what I'm doing?" _

_She watched the emotions play across Quinn's face. She settled for indifference. "I don't."_

_Rachel nodded at that. She wasn't sure why she expected anything else. She noticed the girl's face and prepared herself for an argument. _

_Noah Puckerman saved her. He slid around Quinn and straight into the choir room. "Rach. I've been looking everywhere for you."_

_"Hello, Noah." Rachel smiled at him. "I've been in here the whole time." She had no idea why the boy was looking for her. _

_Quinn cut her eyes at him. "Why are you looking for her?"_

_He smirked at the blonde. "Wouldn't you like to know, Q?" He winked at Rachel. "Me and Rach got a date," He walked over and held out his hand. Rachel took it. "Come on. I wanna show you that thing I was telling you about."_

_Rachel was momentarily surprised. She had no idea what he was talking about. But then she realized exactly what he was doing. "Let me get my books," she told him._

_"What thing?" Quinn growled from the doorway._

_They both ignored her. She huffed loudly and stormed off._

* * *

_Rachel followed Puck into one of the empty classrooms down the hallway._

_"I assume you have nothing to show me?" She asked him._

_He shook his head. "Nope. Just sparing you the Crazy Q wrath. She's been on the warpath for a few days now."_

_Rachel nodded. She'd definitely noticed. Quinn had, for the most part, ignored her specifically. But anyone who'd tried to talk to her had caught it._

_"Thank you for bringing me home the other night, Noah."_

_He smiled at her. "Anything for you, princess." He chanced a glance at the door. "Look, ignore Quinn. She's not like us."_

_"Jewish?" Rachel asked, genuinely confused._

_He laughed, even as he shook his head. "No. I mean she's not ready to admit stuff or whatever." He shook his head again, trying to find the right thing to say. "Look, Q's family is fucked. I mean seriously. Her father was… he is a dick. And all that Christian crap they threw at her every single day of her life… it's done a number on her. She just doesn't see what's in front of her. She hides from it. I don't wanna see you get caught up in her craziness... or see you get hurt. Okay?"_

_Rachel nodded. "So basically what you're saying is she's not Jewish?" She smiled._

_"Basically," he smiled back._

* * *

When we got back inside, Kurt ran over to me. "Stop hiding. You're giving me wrinkles." He bent over and whispered in my ear as he hugged me, "Quinn and Finn are definitely about to come to blows," He was hugging me like he hadn't seen me in years. I was always impressed at his whispering skills. "I'm going to get him out of here. I'm genuinely afraid for his life. I mean have you seen her arms? Will you be okay if I come back tomorrow?" He sounded unsure.

I nodded against his chest.

Burt smiled at me. "It's good to see you, Rachel. We're gonna get going though, cause I know it's been a long flight," he hugged me. "Is it okay if I steal Kurt for the night?"

I smiled back at him. "Of course. He's always excited to see you."

Lucas and Finn walked over to us. I saw Quinn inch closer out of the corner of my eye. I squatted down and hugged Lucas. "Will you come see me again?"

He nodded. "Sure." He screwed up his face. "I don't understand heaven," he told me.

I wasn't expecting that. I decided not to chance a look at anyone else. I did heard Kara gasp.

"Mommy says you can't come back from there. That when you go there, it's forever. I want to go see Lizzie, but Mommy says I can't." He bit his lip. "That means you can't either, right?"

I nodded and tried harder than I'd ever tried not to cry. "Right," I was able to get out.

"Does that make you sad?" He asked.

I nodded again. "Very sad."

"When I'm sad, my mommy hugs me and gives me ice cream." He frowned. "I don't have any ice cream, but I do have hugs." He put his arms around my neck. "I hope that makes you feel better, Aunt Rachel."

I squeezed him against me. I knew my cheeks were wet, so I just closed my eyes. I kissed his cheek. "Thank you. I love you very much."

He pulled back. "I love you very much too," he smiled.

He smiled at me sadly and then walked over to Santana. "You can give her ice cream, can't you?"

She nodded. She didn't bend down like me. "I think I can manage that."

He smiled up at her. "Okay. Daddy said you're a doctor and doctors make people better."

"Pretty much," she answered.

He held out his hand. "Thank you," he said.

She took it when she realized he wanted to shake on it. "My pleasure, Lukie boy." She winked at him.

He turned to Brittany. "It was nice to meet you, Brittany. Thank you for teaching me to dance." He held his hand out to her as well, but she picked him up and hugged him.

"You're an excellent dance partner. Way better than your daddy." He giggled as she let him go.

He looked at Quinn. "Nice to meet you, Cinderella."

Quinn cocked her eyebrow, but shook his hand. "Cinderella?"

Kara smiled. "Sorry. He saw your picture that night and he said you looked like Cinderella. I kind of told him you were…" She trailed off.

Quinn nodded. "No. That's fine." She smiled back. "Trust me, I've been called worse."

Finn rolled his eyes. I started to say something just to keep this from becoming exactly what it was Kurt wanted to avoid but Santana saved me. "So that ice cream," she said, wiggling her eyebrow. "I say we get that now."

Brittany breathed out a sigh of relief. The rest of the room followed.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Rach," Finn said, hugging me.

"Okay," I answered. "Thank you guys for coming."

We said our goodbyes and watched them leave. My dad put his arm around my shoulder. "I'm glad to have you home," he said, kissing the top of my head.

"And glad they're gone," Santana added, wrapping her arm around my waist. "Except Kurt." She frowned. "Well and Kara. And the kid." She shook her head. "Burt and Carol are cool…" She wiggled her eyebrow at Quinn.

* * *

My dad and Brittany worked on fixing us a quick dinner. I was glad he had someone he could bond with. And glad she was helping him. Her cooking was better than anyone else's.

I ate as much as possible. I wasn't drunk from what I'd drank earlier. Not even close, but I was thankful to have something in my stomach besides bourbon.

We are quickly. I noticed my daddy was yawning. I knew it was still early but he had to be tired. I felt guilty at how little all of them had actually slept.

"Please go to bed, " I told them. I looked at my daddy. "I know you're tired. I'm fine. I have Santana. And now Brittany and Quinn."

He nodded, but looked warily at them. "She goes wandering, I'm holding all three of you responsible."

Brittany nodded. "She's little. I can keep her near me. No worries, Leroy."

He smiled at her. "I don't doubt you for a second."

She nodded again. "No one really should."

The girls cleared the table while I hugged them both and told them good night.

* * *

Santana was smiling wickedly. I noticed Quinn's hesitation. "A lot of that is just posturing," I whispered to her.

"I can totally fucking hear you," She said, grabbing Brittany's hand. "You two go downstairs, me and Britts got some drinks to make."

I cut my eyes at her. "You know where the liquor is, don't you?"

She ignored me.

"Oh, no way." Quinn stood up. "No way is Brittany making drinks. We said tipsy. We did not say blitzed out of our skulls." I noticed her face. She was communicating to Brittany without speaking.

Santana quirked the eyebrow. "Oh hell no. That's creepy as shit. Don't go doing that body language, we don't need to speak, thing."

Brittany smiled. "That's what you and Rach do…"

"Me and Rach do a lot of things you and Quinn shouldn't do," She wiggled her eyebrow.

Quinn rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Back on topic. Lightweight. Understand?"

Brittany nodded, even as Santana rolled her eyes back.

I shrugged. I could really care less. I was drinking either way. I needed to be a little less focused at this point anyway.

"Just go," Santana moaned. "We gots this."

I shook my head. "Ghetto speak is not aloud until after midnight. I don't want to spend all night translating for them."

She smirked and drug Brittany into the kitchen.

* * *

Quinn smiled when we got to the basement. "They still have that stage. That's amazing."

I nodded. My fathers redecorated more than Kurt. But for some reason, they'd always kept the stage. "The last time we were here, Santana sang _Like a Virgin_ on it. Her newfound obsession with early Madonna aside, it was extremely weird."

She laughed. "I think her newfound obsession with early Madonna is extremely weird too."

"You're probably right." I sat down. "What's in your pocket?" I asked her. I noticed she kept touching it earlier.

She quirked her eyebrow. "My phone. I texted my mom and told her to come by tomorrow. Santana figured we'd be in trouble if they knew we plied you with alcohol." She frowned. "She's right more than she's wrong. That's really annoying."

And never a truer statement had been uttered. "Tell me about it."

"What did you think was in my pocket?" She asked. She was teasing me.

I figured it was okay to tease back then. "A switchblade?" I questioned. "I was worried for Finn's vital arteries."

She laughed. "I don't need a knife." She sat down beside me.

I noticed that she sounded extremely confident. "So, what? You're like a ninja or something? Sneaking up on people and breaking their necks or arms or whatever?"

I had to admit that Quinn's smirky cocky face was incredibly alluring. "I took self defense classes in California. I really liked them so I kept going." She leaned back and crossed her arms. "But no… I'm not a ninja. Are there really such a thing as ninjas anyway?"

I shrugged. "Not sure..."

She smiled. "Let's just say I know how to get out of sticky situations if the need arises."

Like I'd before, who was she? "Has it arose?"

"That's kind of the awesome thing about it," she smiled. "I know how to describe what I'm going to do in vivid detail. So most of the time there's no need to follow through."

I let the words 'most of the time' go. "Where were you when I needed you? We could've used that sort of skill several times." I smiled.

I didn't expect her to frown, but she did. "I'm kinda a fuck up when it comes to you, huh?"

I shook my head quickly. "No. Not at all. Don't be sad. I don't want to do sad tonight. Okay?"

She nodded and turned her face into stone. "No sad. Gotcha." She winked at me.

"Thank you for coming back with us," I told her. I turned around and sat cross-legged on the couch, so I could face her. "I'm sorry I've been," I airquoted Santana, "'Zombie Rach' for the last few days."

She shrugged. "You get to do what you need to do, Rach. We're not here to argue with you. Just support you. I told you I'd be whatever you needed me to be."

"Okay," I accepted. "I wanted to get that out of the way. The thanking, I mean. I just wanted you to know I wanted you guys here. I don't know what Finn said," I hesitated when I saw the tiny flash of anger in her eyes, "…but, he's wrong. I don't know what his quarrel is with you, but I don't want that to keep you from… you know, staying here. You've really helped me."

She nodded. "Would you like to know? What his problem is?"

I nodded back, softly. "Only if you want to tell me. I don't want to put any pressure on you. Or…"

She shook her head. "No," she cut in. "It's fine. He's known for a quite a while how I felt about you, Rachel."

"How can he know something I don't even know?" I whispered.

She frowned again. "Brittany said you've always known. She said you knew before you left… I…" She looked away. "I wanted to believe her."

I took a really deep breath. So much for no heavy. "She's right…" I spoke very quietly.

She looked up quickly.

"You didn't show up that day. The day I left. I waited. I thought…" I trailed off. "That was the first day I wasn't so sure…"

Her eyes flashed again. "I thought you left on an earlier train," she finally said.

"I texted you when I was leaving. 12:30."

She nodded. "It doesn't matter," she said softly.

I let that go. "So how did he know then? About how you felt?"

She sighed.

* * *

_She was becoming a stalker._

_This was it. The last stop before she had to be committed. Sitting outside of someone's house… waiting on them… it was the definition of stalker._

_But Quinn Fabray actually had the desire to go inside. What she needed was the courage to knock on the door. _

_It had been a week since that Saturday night. Seven days. She hadn't slept. She hadn't eaten. She'd snapped at everyone and everything that crossed her path. Her friends were afraid of her. Her mother thought she was going crazy. _

_She was in love._

_It was the most fucked up feeling on the planet. _

_It didn't hit her like she thought. She'd loved Rachel for a really long time. She'd just learned how to be very, very dishonest with herself. It was so stupid. All the bullshit she'd put her through. Everything. And now, when she'd finally made peace with it – she'd gone and fucked it up by getting drunk and mauling the other girl in her fucking treehouse of all places._

_She was the dumbest person on the planet as well._

_When she woke up this morning though, she realized she had to see her. She hadn't thought much further than that. But her mother had other plans and she'd spent half the day shopping for freaking shower curtains for the bathroom redo. _

_That was fine. Just like last weekend, the Berry men weren't home tonight. But she knew Rachel was._

_She got out of her car and walked slowly to the front door. She could do this. _

_She momentarily thought about ringing the doorbell but she decided to knock first. She didn't want anything to be obnoxious. Sometimes doorbells were obnoxious._

_She didn't expect the door to open so soon._

_She really didn't expect who was on the other side._

_"I…uh…. Finn," She managed to mutter._

_He was standing in a pair of shorts. And nothing else. It hurt enough to actually look away._

_"Quinn," he stated. "What're you doing here?" He was surprised._

_"I… I… uh, I wanted to uh…" Fuck, she was nervous. She shook her head to clear it and slipped into HBIC. "Is Rachel home?"_

_He eyed her questioningly. "What do you want with Rachel?"_

_"To talk to her," she answered, still in control. Or at least her voice was. How was she going to talk to her with him standing there? More importantly, where the hell was his truck?_

_"Why?" He was still studying her face. "Can't you leave your drama at school?" He rolled his eyes dramatically and crossed his arms over his bare chest._

_The question did make her falter. "I… I don't want to hurt her… I just…." She sighed. "Can you get her, please?" She decided to hold his gaze. No way he could see her shake._

_He shook his head. "She's taking a shower. I was about to join…" He didn't finish. Because he saw the flash in her eyes that she couldn't hide. She was sure that she actually grimaced in pain._

_And he'd noticed. "Why are you here?" He asked again. His voice changed. He remembered that Puck took Quinn home that night. That she was mumbling something about Rachel. That neither of them had come back. When he'd asked Puck about it, he said Quinn fell asleep with Rachel in her treehouse. He'd wiggled his eyebrow but Finn hadn't understood. Until now. "You've. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me." He was stunned. _

_She mirrored him and crossed her arms. "Excuse me?" She asked, confidence returned._

_"Wow," he murmured. "Everything makes so much sense now…" His face was scrunched up as he went through ever interaction the two girls had had. And then he'd actually laughed. "You couldn't possibly think you'd have a chance." He shook his head, still laughing. "That's priceless..."_

_Something in her snapped then. She should've just walked away. Had she walked away, he would've never sent her that text telling her Rachel was leaving early. She would've been able to see Rachel, and at least give her the letter. But Quinn didn't back down from a challenge. Or humiliation. She couldn't let him win. She was proud. And it was her downfall. So she got in his face instead. "Huh," she smirked, poking him in the chest. "If I recall correctly, I had more than a chance last weekend. Or do you think we were sleeping in that treehouse, Hudson?" She leered at him. "Because if you do, congratulations on actually being as dumb as you look. That's quite an accomplishment."_

_He'd stopped laughing then. "You're lying," he muttered, angry._

_She shrugged. "I love the taste of honey chapstick." She touched her lips with her fingertips. "It's distinct. Don't you think?" She smirked, putting her hands on her hips and walking off._

* * *

I tried to think of something to say. "I… uh… he never told me you came over."

She frowned. "Why would he? I basically told him what happened."

"We weren't taking a shower together." I felt the need to clarify that.

She seemed stunned. "That's all you have to say?"

I nodded. "I'm a little shocked, I guess." Welcome to the definition of understatement.

"Fair," she smiled. She glanced at the clock on her phone. "So they've been up there for twenty minutes. That means they're making the strongest drinks in history or…"

I nodded. "Yeah. I sort of figured." I was frowning.

She noticed. "Does that bother you?" She asked tentatively.

I shook my head. "No. Not at all. I just worry about Santana…"

"I understand. I worry about Brittany too."

I turned around and opened the drawer on the coffee table and pulled out another bottle of bourbon. I held it up. "My dad isn't that good when it comes to hiding." I winked at her.

She laughed. "I guess not. Santana is gonna kill him."

I screwed off the top and took a drink before offering it to her. "Tough. She should've come down," I frowned. I studied her face for a moment. "Can I be honest?" I asked her, passing her the bottle.

"She took a drink. "Always."

I took a deep breath and took the bottle back. "That night. In the treehouse… " I took another drink. She was watching me closely. She took the bottle when I finished.

"That night?" She whispered.

I shook my head. I wasn't sure I could say anything more.

* * *

_"You just kissed me," Rachel said, touching her lips. She forced herself to even her breathing._

_Quinn sat up on her knees. "Uh huh." She touched her own lips. "You're lipgloss tastes like honey..."_

_Rachel nodded, distracted. "Okay…" she finally spoke. "I'm going to have to ask why now."_

_Quinn shrugged. "I wanted to." She frowned and sat back on her feet. "Was it bad?"_

_Rachel stared at her, proud at least Quinn was looking at her. "No. It was uh… it was fine. I was just surprised."_

_Quinn scrunched her nose. "Fine? That sounds like adequate. Or sufficient." She shook her head. "Fine is..."_

_"No. No, I don't mean it like that. It was a very good kiss. More than adequate. I was just shocked." She was shaking her head. _

_The other girl seemed to consider that. "Should I've not done it?" _

_Rachel frowned. "No. I mean yes… yes it was okay to do it. Just… I just wasn't expecting it."_

_She frowned back. "I'm sorry." She seemed to sober just a tiny bit. "I shouldn't have done that. I sometimes don't think before I just…"_

_Her words were cut short this time when Rachel kissed her. The first kiss had been rushed. A peck. It had still made Quinn's head swim. But this kiss… as soon as Rachel sighed, and Quinn thrust her tongue into the girl's mouth, her stomach bottomed out. She didn't know kissing could be like this. All she could think was 'Warm' and 'Wet' and 'Sweet Jesus, if I ever have to stop, I'll die.'_

_Rachel was on her knees in front of Quinn and when she put her arms around the girl's neck, Quinn grabbed her around the waist and pulled her closer. Rachel had never been kissed like this. No one had ever made her feel so…_

_Quinn broke away panting. "Fuck," she muttered. She threw her arms behind her to steady herself on the floor. _

_The smaller girl was blinking, her chest heaving. "I can't believe we…"_

_Quinn shook her head. "I don't wanna stop." She almost looked afraid._

_"Neither do I." It was a whisper. _

_The blonde spread her legs in front of her, and grabbed Rachel's hand. When her back hit the floorboards, Rachel was half on top of her. She kissed her lips again and this time when she heard the girl moan, she shuddered. She deepened it and pulled Rachel closer, her hands on her hips. Rachel was running her fingers through the girl's hair._

_"Jesus Christ," Quinn muttered, needing air again. _

_Rachel buried her head in the other girl's neck. "Are you okay? If you're drunk and…"_

_"No," Quinn muttered into the side of her head. She ran her fingertips up and down Rachel's back. Every time the girl shuddered, Quinn needed to gulp in air. "Sober now," she whispered. "Really, really sober."_

_Rachel went to rise up, presumably to remove herself. "I'm sorry."_

_Quinn pulled her tighter against her and fully on top of her. Rachel's legs fell to either side of the girl's thighs. "Please don't get up," she mumbled. "Please." She ignored the desperation in her own voice._

_"Okay," Rachel consented. _

_Quinn pulled the other girl's mouth down to her. She wanted to kiss her for hours. She didn't even realize when her hands moved to Rachel's waist again. Or even when they moved lower._

_Before she knew it, each time the girl above her circled her hips, she was getting closer... so close. She had no idea that having someone lie on top of her and kiss her like that could get her that near to the edge so soon._

_She grabbed Rachel's ass and pulled her harder against her. Her hands slid underneath her skirt and she could feel the cotton of Rachel's tiny panties. She groaned and kissed her more forcefully. Rachel's thighs were pressed tight against her own and she'd put her hands on either side of Quinn's head, so that she was hovering above her. Their kisses became sloppy and wet and they were both having a difficult time breathing... but neither of them could... would break apart. Quinn wasn't even sure she could call it kissing anymore. It was just a wet mouth pressing against her face, her neck. And it was fucking amazing. Every time she felt Rachel's tongue slide, press, push against her skin, her legs quivered and she thrust up even as she pulled Rachel tighter against her. Each gasp Rachel made drove her closer, and when she felt her grind down into her one last time, almost like she was trying to crawl inside of her... and then fell on top of her bonelessly, panting against her cheek,and she finally felt those tiny, unmistakable puffs of air... Quinn shattered like glass._

_Fucking exquisite glass._

* * *

"That night?" She asked again. "What about it?"

I took another drink. A long one. I had no idea why I was telling her this except I needed to. "It was the first night I'd ever… with anyone… before." Wow. Apparently I forgot momentarily that I was an adult. "I mean with anyone else..." I felt my cheeks redden.

She nodded slowly. And then closed her eyes tightly.

I decided to keep drinking.

She took the bottle from me after a few moments.

"There is so much I want to say to you," she finally said. She took her own drink. "But I know I can't. It's nowhere near the right time or the right circumstances."

I took it back and turned it up. I was starting to feel it this time. I needed it. "I didn't know you could do that. I mean with clothes on. I couldn't believe…" I took another drink.

"Me either," Quinn finally answered. "And it was my first time to… do that too…" She finally said. Her cheeks were probably redder than mine.

We were now firmly entrenched in the bottle of bourbon.

"I always wondered what it would be like with you. Properly I mean. Not clothed. And in a treehouse." I added, feeling a little more confident.

She actually groaned this time. "I should probably put this down," she finally said, setting the bottle on the table.

I scooted closer to her. "Sometimes I just want to feel something. Anything…" I was inches away from her face. I could feel her breath against my cheek.

She was biting her lip and trying to look in my eyes. "I don't think that's the best…"

It was the second time in our lives that I cut her off with a kiss.

* * *

To her credit, and my utmost chagrin, she broke the kiss quickly. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to mine. "We can't…"

I sighed and pulled away. "You said you'd be whatever I needed you to be."

She sat back. "I guess I did. But…" She ran her hand through her hair. "You're close to drunk. And you don't need this. Or want it. Not specifically." I watched her breathing return to normal.

I crossed my arms. "I don't think you have any idea what I want." I felt the anger begin to rise inside of me.

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're right. I probably don't. But I'm willing to bet that you don't either."

And then disappear. I looked away.

She tilted my chin towards her. "Look at me."

I had to.

"I love you," she said softly.

I looked away again. I could honestly feel my heart thudding in my chest. "I… uh…"

"Look at me," she said again. When I complied, she continued. "I do. I'm not telling you that to make you uncomfortable and I'm sorry if I did. I just need you to understand…" she blinked. "Look… I would do just about anything for you. I promise you. I'll let you finish that bottle right there," she gestured, "and I'll hold back your hair when you throw it all back up. I'd follow you anywhere you wanted. I'd beat up every damn photographer that tried to get your picture. Hell, I'd even be nice to Hudson." She tried smiling. "If I thought for one second that I could make it better by doing what you want to do… well, of course I would. But it won't. And you know that."

I gulped and fought a sob rising in my throat. "You're afraid I would hurt you."

She shook her head. "Rachel, you are not hearing me. I don't give a damn if you hurt me. Seriously. I'd let you do whatever it was you needed to do. Willingly. Please understand why I am saying no to this. Because I need you to understand. Us, being together… sleeping together... will not make your pain go away."

I couldn't look at her anymore.

She reached out and took my hand. "Come here, please. Because you're sitting there with that pout and I just can't take it…" She tried smiling again.

I let her pull me over to her. She wrapped an around my waist and snuggled me against her. She kissed the side of my head.

"You don't know how I feel about you," I finally whispered.

She nodded. "No. You're right. I don't."

"I don't know if I feel anything the right way right now… But I feel it..." I hesitated. "Does that make sense?"

She nodded again. "It does."

"I do know that I need you here with me. Can you at least hold me?" I whispered the last part. I hadn't really even realized I was crying.

She brushed the tears off my cheek. "I can hold you."

I began crying harder. She pulled me closer to her and I buried my head against her neck. "I want her back, Quinn…" I was muttering between sobs. "I just…want her back. I loved her… so much. And I can't…. I just want her back…. It huts so, so much. And I…"

She was rocking me. "I know," she choked out. "I know, baby, I know."

* * *

**So I guess it's a tiny bit of a cliffhanger... sorry. Not really though. Oh hell, I don't know. I can't just have them hooking up or anything but I hope at least the flashback was adequate. Or sufficient. Or fine. Whatever...**

**Thank you for the reviews. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. **

* * *

Chapter 9

It had been almost three weeks since my daughter died. It was hard to talk about. Hard to think about. In three weeks, I'd changed forever. In three weeks, I'd lost the feeling of being safe. I'd spent three weeks in a fog. Afraid to go to sleep. Afraid to wake up. Afraid that I was never going to feel anything again. That everything I'd ever felt for anyone else was going to be numbed, stunted, dulled.

Until tonight…

I wasn't sure exactly when everything changed. I knew I was crying. And she was holding me. And that helped. It finally helped. But it was the sounds of her own sobs that changed it.

Quinn was reserved. She was stoic. To hear her breaking down and weeping was heart-wrenching. At first, I wanted her to stop. I wanted to scream. It was too much. But then I realized… I'd actual felt it. I felt her pain. I knew she was hurting. I couldn't believe I could feel it.

More importantly, I cared that I felt it. And that was new.

I pulled back from her and wiped my face. I'd seen Quinn cry, or more often _almost-cry_, dozens of times. But… I'd never seen her do this… This was new.

When she realized I was watching her, she swallowed and turned away. "Jesus Christ… I'm so sorry," she whispered, trying to control herself. She wiped furiously at her face. She was gulping for air. It was sad to watch her attempt to control her emotions when she obviously couldn't.

"It's okay," I whispered. "Really." I tried to get her to turn back around but she wouldn't look at me.

She was muffling her cries, still trying to control herself. "It's not," she finally choked out. "It's not okay for me to do this." I watched her swipe angrily at her face, as she pushed me lightly away from her in an effort to get up. "I don't get to do this. God," she moaned. "I don't get to do this." Her voice was so strained.

I wanted to hold her and just make it all go away. Was that what she'd been feeling for the last week? Helpless? What a horrible feeling.

I grabbed her arm and held her on the couch. I knew she could get out of my grasp, but I was extremely glad when she didn't. Of course, she wouldn't look at me. "Would you like to tell me? Why you're crying?"

She shook her head violently and bit her lip. God that face. I'd forgotten about that face. I had a glimpse of Eliza, furiously disagreeing the exact same way.

And I couldn't help myself as I smiled softly.

"Why are you smiling?" She sniffed.

"It's nothing," I started. "I just… when Lizzie used to get mad, she'd bite her lip like that and start shaking her head. It was her 'I'm not listening to you' face." I smiled again. "You just made the same face."

That made her cry harder. "Oh god…" She moaned.

When did I get so terrible at this? "Oh! I'm sorry, Quinn," I said, trying to put my arms around her. "I didn't mean to…"

She shook me off. "You do not get to comfort me." She sobbed. "You're not supposed to…" She couldn't catch her breath to speak. She was choking she was sobbing so hard.

"Well that is a ridiculous statement," I told her. "Of course I can."

She shook me off again. I watched her cry. It was something I'd rarely seen anyone do before. It was almost like she was melting. I wanted to hold her but she wouldn't let me. I put my hand on her arm instead.

"Breathe," I whispered.

"Holy shit!" Santana called, standing in the doorway. "Did you break her?" Her face was a mixture of fear, concern, and disgust. It was always hard to tell with her.

I jumped and shot her a look. "No. She's just sad."

Brittany was standing behind her, biting her lip. She walked passed her and sat down on the other side of Quinn, pulling her to her. "It's okay, Q. Shh," she muttered, rubbing her back. "It's okay." She kept rubbing her back. "Just breathe, okay?"

Santana showed the decency to look stricken at least. "Seriously, Rach…" She moved over to us. "What's wrong?" She glanced between Brittany and me.

When she asked, Quinn started sobbing louder. It sounded physically painful.

I realized suddenly how alike she and Santana were. For people like me… like Brittany, crying was normal. It was an expression of emotion. We cried because we were supposed to cry. Because we had to cry.

For people like Quinn and Santana… it was weakness. A sign of feebleness. A flaw. They only cried because they had no choice. There was no other option.

It hurt to think about.

I frowned at Santana and put my hand on Quinn's back. "It's okay to cry, Quinn. I've been doing it a lot lately."

She wailed then.

Santana shook her head, realized I wasn't helping probably, and motioned at me with her hand. "Come on…" She said, taking my hand.

Brittany was muttering to Quinn, trying to get her to stop crying. I let Santana lead me out.

When we got upstairs, she turned to me, frowning. "What the fuck?" She whispered. She looked ashen.

I shrugged. We talked…" I started. I gave her an edited version of our conversation.

She nodded when I'd finished. "Are you okay?" She asked me. I was glad she didn't comment on anything else.

I frowned. "I drank a lot."

She rolled her eyes. "Motherfucker. Hiram is like a reject Easter Bunny. He couldn't hide a damn needle in a haystack."

Leave it to Santana to add a bit of perspective to the situation. "You were the one who wanted to drink," I countered. "And then you didn't come back down. Were you and Brittany, you know..." I figured a change of subject was warranted.

She studied me. "Not exactly."

"That's a non-answer," I told her.

She sighed. "We didn't want to make anything strong. So we decided to knock a few back. You know how she used to get when she drank… well, multiply that. Nothing happened though," she added. I noticed the coy look on her face.

I nodded at her. I just wanted her to be happy. "It's okay if it did. I just don't want you to do anything you'll regret. But I love Brittany and I know that you…"

She shook her head, holding her hand up. "No way. Don't start. Tell me more about this treehouse thing," she settled on. So we were both good at evading the heavy stuff.

I shook my head back. "I'd rather not." I put my arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She held me for a few minutes before I spoke. "I'm so confused about a whole lot of stuff. But I love you," I whispered against her.

She squeezed me. "I know you do. I love you too. And those two downstairs confuse the utter fuck out of me too, if that helps."

I shook my head against her chest. "No. It doesn't. You're supposed to have all the answers. That's why I keep you around."

She laughed and pulled back. "Fuck that. You keep me around cause I'm hot. Don't play." She winked at me. "Let's go back downstairs. I've only seen Q break down once and it didn't last long. She's probably freaking the fuck out right now. That girl's armor is usually airtight. She doesn't like chinks."

I grabbed her hand. "Don't be too hard on her," I warned.

She cut her eyes at me. "Give me some credit."

I swatted her arm. "I am. That's why I'm warning you."

She smirked, pulling me back down the stairs.

* * *

We tiptoed down the staircase like we were spies in a movie. I expected Santana to put her finger to her lips and direct me with her eyebrows.

I wasn't disappointed.

I rolled my eyes and stepped around her.

Quinn and Brittany were still sitting on the couch. Brittany had her arm around Quinn, whose head was leaning on Brittany's shoulder. She'd stopped sobbing, which was good because I wasn't sure I could listen to it again and not touch her at least.

Brittany caught our eyes before Quinn saw us. "Q's fine now. Sometimes she needs to cry. It embarrasses her. Especially cause she thinks you aren't supposed to see it."

Quinn groaned beside her. "Not helping," she muttered. She wouldn't look at me.

I didn't want to go back to the way we were before. "I'm sorry," I finally said.

Santana huffed next to me but I shot her a look to shut her up.

Quinn shook her head. "No. You absolutely didn't do anything." She still wouldn't look at me though. "I had too much to drink," she muttered.

Santana scoffed again. My gaze wasn't enough to shut her up. "Oh that's a fucking copout, isn't it? You drank too much? Please."

Quinn narrowed her eyes, a silent fury replacing the sadness.

"Be honest, at least." Santana added.

Brittany frowned. "She's not being dishonest, San. It's hard for her to say things like that. You know that."

"Bullshit," Santana said. "That's bullshit. She doesn't get to hide behind stoicism. She's fucking sad. She can be sad. No one here thinks she can't be sad." She looked at me. "In fact," she started, making eye contact with Quinn. "Tears make you fucking normal, Quinn. Jesus Christ. We're all sad. We've got a goddamn good excuse."

Oh no. If she started crying too, I would. I put my hand on her shoulder. "Would you like us to talk about her?" I asked the two sitting on the couch. I glanced at Santana.

She nodded back. "We can do that."

Quinn shook her head. "You don't have to do that. Either of you… we don't…"

Brittany nodded. "We're really sorry we didn't know her. But if you want to talk about her, we don't mind."

Quinn was shaking her head. "No," she whispered.

She squeezed Quinn's knee when she started tearing up again. "It hurts Q a lot. Do you know she used to…"

"No!" Quinn yelled. "Stop." She grabbed Brittany's arm. "Stop!"

Brittany frowned at her. "I'm not…" She turned to us instead. "You can't keep being like this… if you keep being proud, you're going to…" She was still talking to Quinn.

Quinn jumped up. "This isn't the time, Britt!" She was yelling. "I don't need you…" I watched her clinch her fists. Her face was getting red.

Brittany looked heartbroken. "Let her talk," I whispered.

She spun around. "No, Rachel. I don't want to talk." Her voice was clipped. "I don't want _her _to talk..."

"You don't always get to make the decisions, Q," Brittany frowned at her.

She turned back around. "I do when they're about me!"

Santana stepped up. "Simmer down, Fabray." Oh crap. That was definitely a challenge.

Quinn growled at her. "Stay the fuck out of this, Lopez." She moved closer.

Okay… I needed to intervene. Thankfully, Brittany beat me to it. "Go upstairs, Q. You're mad. And when you're mad you say stuff you shouldn't. So take a deep breath and go upstairs. Go outside and get some air or something."

Quinn huffed but for very strange reason, she listened to her. She stalked up the stairs without looking at any of us.

Brittany frowned at us. "Quinn's different in some ways. But she's the same in others. You've got to give her time." She patted the seat next to her. I sat down. Santana chose the chair across from us. "Q's spent all this time wondering what if… you know?"

We both nodded.

"Every time we'd see another news story… every time… she'd get all depressed and sad. Then she'd go through those phases where she cried a lot. Like that," she gestured with her hand. "She kept telling herself that she had time, you know? She just wanted to be the right person for you but she didn't know how to contact you. Or what to say. When you had Eliza, I was so worried about her cause I thought that she would freak out. And I guess she did, but she was also happy for you. She saw pictures of her," she frowned. "It would make her so mad that people would take pictures of you guys, but… she like got to see her and stuff and when you did that photo shoot, she cried. Like a lot."

"Brittany, I…" I swallowed. I didn't know what to say. "What do you think would help her?" I finally asked.

She shrugged back. "For you to talk about Eliza, maybe. I know that that can help you. Cause I read about it and stuff. And I know that she just wants to help you. She doesn't understand she can't make your pain go away. And she's afraid to talk to you about Eliza. To bring her up. But I think it would help everyone. Even you," she smiled at Santana. "Cause we don't really know much about her. And I know you were proud of her. I bet she was awesome."

That she was.

"More than awesome," Santana answered. She was looking away. "I miss her everyday," she choked. "I hate that you moved to California. I cried for a fucking week straight." She wouldn't look at either of us. "I kinda realized I wouldn't have kids," she finally looked at us both. "But I was okay with that. I deal with so much at work… it's painful and shit but you learn how to become detached… you have to if you wanna survive it. But then…" She closed her eyes. "I just loved her." She had tears in her eyes, but she wiped them away. "I loved her more than anything in the world."

"I know you did," I whispered. I held my arms out and she got up to sit down beside me. I pulled her to me. "I know it's been hard for you. And I'm so sorry." I whispered into her hair.

I felt her sniffing against my shoulder. "I don't mean to do this… I shouldn't be…"

"Stop," I told her softly. I looked at Brittany. "Can you go see if Quinn is okay? If she'll come back down here?"

She nodded and left.

* * *

Santana never cried around me. She wouldn't let me comfort her. She said it wasn't fair. I knew her job was hard. I knew she saw so much and had to deal with so much, and then after Lizzie… it was terrible. And it was so utterly unfair.

"Do you know how much I love you?" I asked her. "I mean, really love you? I'm glad they're here now, because maybe we need them. But you do know that you're my best friend in the whole world, don't you? I've never had someone like you. I can't imagine not having you in my life. You've kept me alive." I kissed the side of her head. "Literally…"

She cried softly. "Thank you," she finally whispered.

When Brittany brought Quinn back down the stairs, Santana had stopped crying. She was sitting next to me, her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Quinn said, shuffling her feet. She wouldn't look at us.

Santana and I nodded.

"Can you guys sit down?" I finally asked, standing up.

I caught their attention at least and they did what I said, sitting on the couch next to Santana.

"Rach…" Santana started, when she realized what I was about to do.

I shook my head. "No. I want to talk. You get to listen." I smiled at her. "I know I can get a little verbose, but I guess you just have to deal with it. Okay?"

They nodded at the same time.

"Okay, so I have a few things I need to say. First of all, I want to thank you for being here. I know that it's hard and I know that it's a really difficult situation," I took a deep breath. Quinn and Santana both looked like they wanted to speak, but neither did. "So it means so much more that you're all here. Because you don't have to be. I know why you're doing it. And I'm grateful. So I just wanted to say thank you."

It was easy to thank them. I wasn't worried about that. What I was worried about what was what I needed to say next.

"So here's the other thing. The second thing… I need you guys to stop."

They all looked surprised.

"Rachel..." Quinn started.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Santana asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Can you listen?" They crossed their arms and Santana motioned for me to continue. "I need you to stop treating me like I'm going to break," I pointedly caught the gaze of Quinn and Santana. "Mostly you two actually because Brittany hasn't really been doing that… But I need you to stop apologizing for how you feel or what you're thinking or why you're thinking it." I sat down across from them. Eliza was my daughter. But that doesn't mean her dying didn't hurt others." It was the first time I'd ever talked about this without sobbing. "It's hard for you," I frowned at Quinn. "Because you don't want to say that it hurts you, but… if you love me like you said you did you are allowed to hurt."

I saw Santana cut her eyes at Quinn. "Okayyyy…." She drawled out. "Back up a second…"

Brittany reached around Quinn and smacked Santana's arm. "No," she demanded. "Let Rachel finish before you say something."

I winked at her. "Thanks, Brittany."

"No problem, Rach. Continue."

"She was really a perfect little girl," I smiled softly. "I would like to tell you about her. I want to show you pictures of her. I am very proud of her. She made me prouder of her in two years than I'd ever been of anything in my whole life. That's the kind of thing I want to share. Okay?"

Quinn nodded. "I told you I would listen to you…"

"I know. I just don't want you to feel guilty about things you can't change. It was an accident. Accidents happen. I know that. You can't live in the past. You're supposed to learn from it." I took a deep breath. "But… I don't want to do that tonight. Because I'm tired and I kinda just want to go to bed."

I knew that their parents were coming tomorrow. I knew that they were sleepy as well.

Brittany smiled at that. "I think that's a great idea." She stood up.

Santana nodded. "So here's the thing… H put our bags in Rach's room. I can shack with her and you two can have the other bedrooms if you want."

Quinn shook her head. "That's silly. Britts and I can sleep together. It's no big deal." They'd been sleeping in the same room at my house for the past week.

Brittany laughed. "We're all kind of silly. I think I'm sleeping with San," she smiled, leaning around Quinn. "That's what we said earlier."

I figured my eyebrow was mirroring Quinn's.

Santana coughed. "I don't wanna leave Rachel…"

"No," I cut in quickly. "It's absolutely fine."

Quinn nodded. "Yep, fine."

* * *

When I got out of the shower, Quinn was in my room. "I'm sorry," she began. "I needed to call my mom. I texted her earlier, but I hadn't spoken to her so…" She looked around the room. "They've gone to bed. S said to tell you she loved you and she hoped you wouldn't miss her hot body pressed up against yours in your sleep." She rolled her eyes at the last part. "She thought I wouldn't tell you. So I had to prove her wrong. It's childish, I realize, but…" she sighed. "I needed to get my bag." I guessed she was explaining why she was in my room now.

I nodded. "It's fine." I pulled my hair back into a bun. "I'm surprised there were no expletives thrown in."

She smiled. "Oh there were… I just left them out. No need for that visual twice." She was looking away shyly.

I didn't want to go back to how we were. Awkward and stuttering. I realized that's always how we'd been. It was tiring. "Are you… are you okay now? You seemed upset earlier…"

She frowned. "I don't want to say the wrong thing."

"Then be honest, maybe?" I tried.

There was a picture of Eliza and me on the bedside table. She walked over and picked it up. "When was this?" She asked softly.

I moved beside her. "My birthday." I was standing next to Kurt and holding her on my hip. She loved to smile for the camera. She was so much like me sometimes.

She ran her fingertip over the picture, frowning intently, before she finally sat it back down. She sat down on my bed. "I'm really trying to be honest, but…" she looked at her hands. "I don't want to make it worse. For you, I mean." She looked up and glanced back at the photograph. "The day I realized how much I'd fucked up…" she blinked and I watched the tears she would not let fall. "I felt like this hollowness had settled in my chest. It physically hurt. When people say your heart's broken, I understand what they mean. It's actually painful."

I nodded. "I know." I'd felt it for three weeks. I felt it the day I left for New York as well.

"I feel that when I look at her picture. I feel so much wasted promise. I have no conceivable right to feel that way and yet it's still fucking there." She looked up at me finally. "And I feel guilty that I feel it." She shook her head. "It's so fucked up."

I sat down beside her. "It's really not."

She frowned. "When I gave Beth to Shelby I felt that way… I don't know her. I've never spoken to her. Never seen her…"

She hadn't mentioned Beth. Not at all. She'd only mentioned Shelby in passing. I didn't speak because I wanted her to finish. I needed her to.

"But, I know she's alive. I know that she's loved. It hurts me that she's not mine." She looked back at the photograph again. "That's how I feel about her. It hurts me I didn't know Eliza. It hurts me that I didn't get to love her. It's ridiculous. I mean she wasn't my daughter and I…" she shook her head, like she was trying to clear her mind. "…I just thought… God, you have no idea how much I regret it." She turned to face me. "Your dad showed us a photo album. One night last week while you and S were sleeping. He couldn't sleep and Britt and I were up…" It hurt me how much she wanted to cry. Her eyes were so expressive. "I would have loved her. Everything about her. Do you know how much I would've loved her? God, she was yours…"

I nodded at her. I wasn't sure what I could say to make that better. Truthfully, there was nothing. There was nothing that anyone could say to make me better so I couldn't expect any different for her.

Instead I touched her hand. "Let's go to bed," I finally said.

She frowned and stood up. "Okay." She bent over to kiss my forehead. "I'll see you in the…"

"No," I whispered. "I want you to sleep in here."

She looked shocked. "Rachel, you don't have to..."

"No," I cut her off again. "You make me feel safe. I need that. If that's too much for you, I understand. But if it's not…"

She walked over to her bag and I assumed it was too much. I couldn't expect her to be everything for me. I knew that she was hurting and it wasn't fair…

She rose up after she'd grabbed her pajamas. "Let me get changed and get ready. I'll be back in a second," she whispered.

I smiled at her. "Okay."

* * *

I was already in bed when she came back in the room about ten minutes later. She'd taken a shower and her hair was still wet. She had on a pair of shorts and a tank top. She was towel-drying her hair.

"I had no idea how much I needed a shower," she said. "And I look like I've been drinking. And doing drugs. There are actual bags under my eyes," she frowned.

I shook my head. "You look fine."

She smirked. "Just fine? Wow… I'm losing my touch."

I rolled my eyes and patted the bed. "You are always going to be the prettiest girl I know. A less confident woman than myself would be jealous."

She walked around to the other side of the bed and pulled back the covers before crawling in. "To be so confident, you're also pretty delusional. Since you sort of carry that title and all."

I tried not to smile. "Thank you for sleeping in here. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

She lay back on the pillow and watched me. I was still sitting up. "Rachel, seriously. Lying in bed with someone that I… care about… it's not uncomfortable." She rubbed her hand up and down my back.

I felt goose bumps rise on my skin. "I'm cold." I was cold. It wasn't the only reason my skin was prickled, but…

She wrapped her arm around my waist. "I can hold you, okay?" She pulled me down against her. "Can you sleep like this?"

I nodded and laid my head on her chest. Her heart was racing. "Can you?"

She laughed lightly and wrapped her other arm around me. "I doubt it. I'll probably have to get up and go in there with S and B when you fall asleep."

I swatted her arm. "You're a comedienne."

I felt her shrug. She kissed the top of my head. "Good night, superstar."

I closed my eyes. I was so tired. And I felt warm and protected and less afraid to close my eyes than I'd felt in days. "Good night, badass," I whispered.

Her breathing evened before my mine. Sleep was easy. Being afraid of the nightmares wasn't. Something about her holding me made it a little better.

I was slipping in and out when I heard. "I love you, Berry."

I wasn't sure if I imagined it or not.

* * *

**Short Chapter but I hope you like it. I'll get around to answering reviews for chapter 8 tomorrow. Thank you so much for following the story. It means a lot. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Yada Yada Yada. You know the drill. Don't own. Wish I did. Blah blah blah.**

* * *

Chapter 10

I rolled over and looked at the clock. Shit it was almost 9:30. We'd slept close to twelve hours. I forgot what sleeping with B was like. She was always so warm. It wasn't like we were cuddling or anything. I think we were both afraid of that. Or maybe it was just me. What was B ever afraid of?

But she had this way of touching you at night, just to make sure you were there. I felt her hand on my back before I fell asleep last night. It was there when I woke up.

"Morning," I heard softly.

I moaned into the pillow before rolling over. "Morning, B."

She smiled. "Is this weird?"

I needed coffee. For that reason and a myriad of others, I wasn't sure what she was asking. "Is what weird?"

"Us? Sleeping in the same bed?" She yawned.

Well that as a loaded question, wasn't it? "Not sure. I think we've slept in bed together before," I finally said. "So on the surface, no. Not that weird."

She stretched. "Q slept with Rach last night."

I jumped up at that. "What the hell?" I watched her face. "And how the heck do you know that?" I added.

She had a look of concentration on her face. "Cause after you fell asleep, I went to check on her. Sometimes she doesn't sleep cause she gets all in her head… and then she'll just worry and stuff… I was worried if she was…"

I held up my hand. "Focus, B."

She smiled at me. Or at herself. I wasn't sure. "Okay, so I went in there and she wasn't there. So then I checked in Rachel's room."

I groaned. Rachel was too fucking trusting. It wasn't that I thought Quinn would intentionally hurt her… I mean, we'd gotten passed that… but still. "I don't know if that was smart, Britt."

She shrugged. "Is this smart?" She motioned to the both of us, back and forth.

She had me there. "We didn't do anything," I offered.

She nodded. "Cause we shouldn't. There's no reason to make things more complicated right now. But it's okay, cause they didn't either."

I sighed. I wasn't sure how the hell she knew that. "How do you know that?" It wasn't that I didn't believe her, it was just… her intuition kinda amazed me sometimes.

"Cause they had clothes on," she smiled. Well that was one way to tell. "And, cause Q wouldn't do that. She knows better."

I raised my eyebrow. "Does she? Cause I think Q would jump off a building for Rachel right now… and I'm kinda worried about Rach's state of mind. I think she'd…" I didn't finish. I didn't have to.

Britt nodded. "Yeah. She would. I just know that Quinn wouldn't. She doesn't wanna screw up. Or hurt Rachel." She patted me on the arm. "You've gotta learn to trust her. Okay?" She was smiling brightly. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "You're still pretty when you wake up in the morning."

I smiled back. "Ditto," I whispered. No point in lying about that but…

Shit was getting too heavy. I wanted too much really and I shouldn't. If we stayed in this bedroom much longer I'd do something I regretted… or enjoyed. I was too fucking conflicted for my own good.

She must have noticed my dilemma. "Let's go make breakfast. If you wanna get them up, we can do that too. So you're not too worried."

I smirked. Q would fucking love that. "Sounds like a plan," I winked.

* * *

My mami was coming over after lunch. So were Britt's parents. I was a bit worried about how that was gonna go over really. They hadn't seen each other in a while. Q's mom was coming in a few hours. They really needed to get up.

Brittany went to knock on the door but I grabbed her hand. "No way," I whispered. "Element of surprise."

She giggled. "That's mean," she whispered.

"Well you're the one who said they weren't doing anything…" I smiled back. "So how's that mean?" I grinned. "Wanna have a little fun with them?" I wiggled my eyebrow at her.

She watched my face. "I haven't said no… yet."

I nodded. "That's fair. I'll peak and see if they're awake first." I opened the door quietly and peered inside. I shut it just as softly. "Yep. Asleep. And Q is all up in Rachel's personal space. So this is fair."

She smiled even while shaking her head. "That doesn't make any sense, but I'll allow it."

Shit I've missed her. "You'll allow it?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yep. I'll allow it."

I rolled my eyes and smiled back. "Whatever. Just follow my lead, B. I know you can be quiet."

She nodded as we tiptoed into the room. I walked around to Rachel's side of the bed and she walked around to Quinn's. They were cuddled up all ridiculously in the middle of the bed and they didn't even move when we came in. I nodded to Britt as I began to pull the blanket back. We slid in as softly as we could.

I winked at her, and kissed Rachel on the cheek. "Good morning," I purred.

She kissed Q at the same time. They both opened their eyes. Rachel rolled over into me, even as Q went to slug B. I'm assuming she didn't realize where she was and that just wasn't how her dumbass woke up. Cause that was scary.

"What the fuck?" She growled, when Brittany caught her hand like a pro.

Rachel, who I loved just about more than I'd ever loved her in that moment, snuggled the fuck back into me. "Mmm… still sleepy, San," she muttered into my neck.

Jesus Christ this shit could get no more perfect. I kissed the side of her head. "Rise and shine, babycakes," I muttered.

"No," she whined, burrowing into me.

Q growled. She turned to Britt. "I cannot believe you went along with this," she whispered. I found it oddly endearing she didn't want to wake Rachel even though she was about on top of me at this point.

Britt shrugged. "Do you wanna snuggle too?" She giggled maniacally.

Q rolled her eyes. "Ugh. You're both asses." She caught my eye. "Giant asses. You're just loving this."

I smirked. "Gotta get my kicks somewhere. Might as well be at your expense."

She and Britt sat up. "What time is it?" She moaned. She was watching me rub Rach's back. Rachel was dead to the world.

"9:30," B answered. "Did you sleep well?" She asked her.

Q nodded, watching me. "Comfortable?" She asked. Jealousy was a good color on her.

"Very," I nodded. I lifted my eyebrow. She was gonna have to get over herself. "Bother you?" I asked.

She huffed and crossed her arm. "I'm not biting. It's too freaking early." She bent over instead and whispered in Rachel's ear. "Rach," she whispered. "You awake?" She winked at me.

So that was how she was playing it.

Rachel moaned and rolled away from me. "Sleepy, Quinn," she muttered. She threw her arm around Q and snuggled into her. "Hold me."

Q raised her eyebrow back, smirking.

I rolled my eyes. "You win this time, Fabray," I said. What the fuck ever.

She smiled like she'd won something for real. She pulled Rachel closer to her. "Okay, sweetie," she smiled. "Go back to sleep."

Brittany motioned to the door with her head. I nodded. I could take a hint. I was a little pissed I had to but whatever… "All right, so you can stay in here and we'll go… but your mom's gonna be here in a couple of hours so…"

That woke her up. "Shit," she muttered, but she still didn't let Rachel go.

I nodded. "Have fun getting her up. We're going to eat breakfast, hooker."

She threw a pillow at me, but Britts caught it. Cause she was fucking awesome. "No violence, Q. You've got to be sweet all day. I'm calling it."

Quinn groaned because apparently they had some sort of pact about Q's behavior or something. Britt told me every once in a while she got to 'call it.' I was confused last night about what that meant. I got it now.

Q frowned. "Finn's coming, B. Give me a little bit of a break."

Britt shook her head. "You've got to try and be Sweet Quinn all day. San and I can take care of Finn."

I shook my head. "I kinda like Crazy Q."

Brittany frowned at me. "San…" She was pouting.

"Goddamn it." I muttered, following her out. "We'll take care of it," I grumbled.

* * *

Hiram and Leroy were both in the kitchen when B and I got down there. I could smell coffee. I was gonna need more than one cup of it if I had to run interference all day. Plus, it hadn't escaped my mind that there was a fucking memorial service or whatever the hell it was tomorrow. I poured a cup of coffee, kissed the Papa Bears on their cheeks, and grabbed my phone. I needed to call Kurt.

"Morning, sugarplum," I drawled when he answered.

"Morning," he muttered. "I've been up since six. Why the hell do people get up this early? No self-respecting person gets up before eight. I was afraid they were going to take me out back and make me feed chickens or something."

"Do they have chickens?" I laughed.

"Shut up," He mumbled.

Oh great, Catty Kurt. This was gonna be fun. "What time you coming back?" I asked him. "It's weird when you're not here." I took a sip of coffee. "Q slept in Rachel's bed last night…"

I knew he was drinking coffee then cause his ass totally spit it out. "What?!"

"You're ass heard me. Slept. In the bed together." I smirked. I loved doing that to him.

"Where did Brittany sleep?" He singsonged.

"With Hiram. Leroy and I shacked up." I deadpanned back.

"Whatever," he said. "What time is Mami coming?"

"Two. She's got to work this morning. The fabulous PFLAG waving Judy Fabray is coming over in a couple of hours though. You know you want to be here for that." I laughed.

"Oh my god, I forgot," he squealed. "That's gonna be something. Can you imagine Judes marching in the Gay Pride? The world is surely coming to an end." He giggled. "You know Finn's gonna wanna come with, don't you? No way I can get back over there without him. And Quinn's packing heat, I think."

I laughed again. I was amused that he knew what heat actually was. "I don't think she's packing. But based on yesterday, I don't think she needs to be. Girl's got some tricks up her sleeve that's for sure." I didn't want another blow up. "Hudson's gonna have to get used to her ass being around. Trust me. I've been forced to. No reason he can't."

I couldn't see him obviously, but I could tell he was frowning. "Why don't you come get me? I miss me some Auntie Tana." He groaned. "Plus, apparently everyone here has decided decaf was an acceptable replacement as a morning beverage. All the caffeine – gone. Like just disappeared. I thought about walking a few blocks over and seeing if I could score some crack." He sighed. "And if you hurry, you'll miss Finn."

You didn't have to tell me twice. "Give me five. I'm gonna grab Leroy's keys and jump H's ass for hiding the alcohol with a fucking treasure map."

He laughed. "Oh I can't wait to hear this…"

* * *

The Hummel's lived about ten minutes from Rachel's dads. After rolling my eyes at Hiram for obvious reasons and smiling sweetly at Leroy so I could get the keys to his sweeter ride, I kissed B on the cheek and promised to be back in an hour.

She hugged me. "Take your time, Santana," she said in my ear. "I like the Berrys. Don't worry about me."

I hugged her back. "I never do, Britts."

Kurt was waiting outside when I pulled up. I shot my eyebrow up but he jumped in the car before I was able to even put it in park. "Go!" He yelled, waving bye to Carol.

I waved as well. "What the fuck?" I growled through my smile.

He looked panicked. It was a decidedly Kurt face. "Finn's on his way. I didn't wanna explain," he buckled up. "Go!"

Good reason. I jumped and threw it in reverse.

"Take me to get some coffee," he moaned, looking at himself in the mirror. "I look like someone had a party on my face and didn't invite me."

I pulled into the parking lot a few minutes later. "Wanna go inside or get it to go?"

"Rachel up?"

"Nope," I answered.

He nodded. "Inside. We need to talk about this hot mess of a service or whatever my idiot stepbrother planned."

Agreed. We ordered our coffee and found a seat in the back. I sent a quick text to Britt and Leroy letting them know where we were.

"Blaine's coming," he moaned. "Without the husband. Alex." He said the name like it tasted badly.

I nodded. I'd figured as much. "Hudson's really outdone himself this time. I'm worried Rachel's gonna have a breakdown. Shit we haven't seen these people in ten fucking years. It's not like we're gonna break into a rendition of _Don't Stop Believing_ or some bullshit." I sighed. "Where is it? And if you say the school, I'm getting on a fucking plane and dragging Rachel with me. After I kill your idiot stepbrother."

He shook his head. "Kara talked him out of that one. Hiram said we could just all get together at their house. No one is speaking or anything. It's just a gathering."

"A gathering? That sounds like a party." I took a drink. "What the hell is supposed to go down? We gonna sit around and reminisce? They didn't even know Lizzie. Shit they really didn't even know Rach. Q said Mercedes is some kinda housewife or some bullshit. These people are all married with lives. Kids. This sounds like a fucking high school reunion."

He shrugged. "Which we didn't attend." He frowned. "Think Puck'll bring his wife? That'll make things more interesting…"

I sighed. Maybe not the kind of interesting we wanted though. "Did you not get any info out of him? Like who was actually coming? When we were doing this?" I was getting frustrated and felt the need to get back in the car and drive over to Hudson's and beat his ass for Q.

He shook his head. "I didn't speak to him much after we got home. He was all in a tizzy about Quinn being there."

Of course he was. "And how the hell do you think that's gonna go over? They can't even be in the same room together. You know what the deal is? I could only get so much outta Rach last night."

He shrugged. "He said Quinn brainwashed Rachel in high school. I had to physically force myself not to roll my eyes. Kara just smiles as sweet as pie, like her husband isn't harboring this teenage crush for a movie star. It's all so dramatic and unwarranted."

Before I could answer I heard a voice. "Santana Lopez." I saw Kurt's eyes go wide before I turned around. "And if it isn't the original Spice Boy. Heard you were in town."

I spun around. Sue Sylvester. Jesus, thought I'd never see her ass again. Or hoped. Hoped would be a better word.

"Sylvester," Kurt said.

She nodded at him. "Hear you're a doctor now?" She said, standing in front of me.

I nodded. "I am. Would say it was good to see you, Coach. But I'm not sure yet."

She smiled at that. "Bygones, Satan. Bygones. I'm not gonna bother the lovefest you two got going. Just wanted to say sorry. I hope you're little super munchkin is doing okay?" She seemed genuinely concerned, but who knew?

"Okay is a bit of an overstatement, but she's surviving." I answered.

"And you?" She asked.

"One day at a time, Coach." I wanted to groan. Why the fuck did I sound sixteen again?

She patted me on the shoulder. "Well, I'm off to competition. Tell Berry I'm sorry for her loss." She frowned. "Nobody should have to suffer that." And just like that… she left.

"Well that was weird," Kurt said.

"Understatement."

"She called me an original Spice Boy." He smirked.

I shrugged. "You've been called worse."

He laughed. "No. I think that was actually a compliment. Maybe she's softening in her old age."

I shook my head. "Don't ever underestimate that woman. The moment you do, she'll be hiding under you bed, naked, with a tire iron."

He shivered. "Visual!" He squealed, closing his eyes. He stood up. "Let's get out of here before more of our past starts haunting us."

I agreed and moved to follow him out.

* * *

We got back to the house about an hour later. I'd filled Kurt in on the night before, at least as much as I knew, and he'd filled me in on the little he knew about tomorrow. We'd made some plans and hoped for the fucking best.

There were two new cars in the driveway when I pulled back in. One I recognized as fucking Hudson's and the other I didn't know. It was a silver BMW though and I figured, based on the sheer whiteness of it, it was Judy Fabray's.

I turned to Kurt as I cut the engine. "This shit oughta be interesting. Mama Fabray and Clueless Hudson."

He nodded. "Maybe we should run in, grab Rachel, and just drive all the way back to Los Angeles."

I shook my head. "I don't wanna leave B. She wouldn't wanna leave Q. It would be a hassle. Plus the daddies. We'd never get out in time." I smiled at him.

He smiled back. "Let's go face the wolves."

We didn't even get the doors open before Brittany ran outside. "I was about to call you." She was out of breath. "But I didn't wanna worry you and…"

"Slow down, B," I said, touching her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"When Judy got here Q was in the shower. Rach was still in bed so she went in and they've been up there talking for about thirty minutes… Q was freaking, but Rachel's fine. Judy's really nice and she can make Rach feel better. But then Finn got here and then he and Quinn… I called it too. You heard me call it, San. She was supposed to be Sweet Q today but she's in the backyard with him yelling… and H and Leroy are…"

"Take a breath," Kurt suggested. "Are the Berrys okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah, they're fine. I don't know what they're doing. They were cleaning. They keep looking out the window cause I was… cause Q and Finn are… she might hurt him." She frowned at Kurt. "I know he's bigger but she's strong."

Kurt frowned back. "I believe you."

I nodded and walked past her. "You check on the Berrys," I said to Kurt. I looked at B. "You sure Rach is fine with Judy?"

She nodded. "Totes."

"Okay," I took her hand. "Then you come with me."

Kurt went to find Rachel's dads.

"How long has Hudson been here?" I asked her.

"Five minutes maybe." She frowned. "He was mad Kurt left before he got there this morning."

I figured as much. I followed her to the backdoor. Quinn and Hudson were standing on the other side of the yard. She had her hands on her hips and he was pacing in front of her.

"This a private party or can we get in on the action?" I announced as we walked up.

They both turned around at the same time. She frowned. He rolled his eyes.

"I called it," Britt told her.

Quinn sighed but didn't say anything.

Hudson narrowed his eyes at Brittany. "Why don't you take your 'roommate'," he airquoted, "and go back to California?" He was pissed.

Brittany frowned back. "You aren't being very nice, Finn." She put her hands on her hips.

"No one invited you," he countered. "Either one of you."

Okay, time to intervene. Before his stupid mouth writes a check his ass can't cash. "I beg to disagree," I interjected. "Rachel did. I did. Kurt did. So stop. And if you take this ridiculous bug that's crawled up your ass out on Britt, Q's gonna be the least of your fucking problems." I growled at him.

He held my stare but knew better. "You trust them, huh? One week later and you're all team Quinn."

I rolled my eyes at the same time as Quinn. His ignorance was starting to astound me. "Dude. Deja vu, much?"

Quinn huffed loudly. "Where's your wife?" She asked.

He spun around. "What the hell do you care?"

"You should totally care," Brittany answered for her. "She's a sweet person. She knows you love Rachel and she doesn't care. That's amazing. You should be thankful and probably just go home." Intuition thy name is Brittany.

He crossed his arms. "I'm not going home till I see Rach." He cut his eyes. "Do you know she's up there with Mrs. Fabray?" He looked like a little kid tattling on someone.

I nodded. "So?" I crossed my arms back. "What's Judy gonna do? Turn her into a WASP?"

Quinn rolled her eyes.

"She's probably up there filling her with the same bullshit as her," he motioned to Q. He spun towards her. "Do you think you can hang around until she loves you? Until one day she decides to just up and be a lesbian and run away with you? You're insane. Delusional and insane. She'll never love you. Even if all of this hadn't happened, you're still lacking the right equipment," he smirked, proud of himself. He'd also just made a big ass mistake as far as the three lesbians standing in front of him were concerned.

I watched the emotions cross Quinn's face. She was passed pissed. Fuck. I moved to step in between them but she blocked me.

She stepped into his personal space. "That's it, you stupid fuck. I've had enough. I don't have a motive. I don't have to explain myself to you. And I don't give a shit what you think. If Rachel wants me here, I'm here. I'm not trying to get her to join some super secret lesbian club, you idiot." She rolled her eyes. "And as for equipment, please… I'd insult yours if there was enough there to insult."

Anger flashed across his face. Again, his brain must've been at home, cause his dumbass stepped into her space at the same time. "Do you honestly think I'm scared of you? You're a girl. What are you going to do? Nag me to death?"

Before we could blink, she'd poked him in the collarbone. I knew what it was. She'd been studying some type of martial arts. She found the point with no problem and he was on his knees before he could even speak.

She hovered over him, even as she grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. "You should be fucking terrified of me, Finn Hudson," she whispered into his ear.

I was having trouble believing what I was seeing. Brittany was just nodding sagely. I caught her eye. She shrugged like she wasn't surprised in the slightest.

He tried to speak, but she didn't let him. "You need to back the fuck off," she muttered; letting his arm go and shoving him to the ground, face first.

Holy shit that was impressive.

I was still watching Hudson try to catch his breath and wishing I'd brought my phone outside so I could've videoed that shit. I missed her turning around. I didn't miss her mumble "Rachel."

I did turn around in time to see Rach and Mrs. Fabray walking back inside.

"Fuck!" She yelled, stomping the ground. She lunged back towards Hudson, who'd just stood up. She had sheer ass murder in her eyes then.

Britt grabbed her first. "Enough," she whispered. "Let's go inside so you can calm down." She had a grip around Q's waist and I was impressed at how strong she actually was. Cause Q just deflated and let Britt lead her off. I filed that away for later.

I shook my head to Finn after they left. He had just had his ass handed to him by a girl half his size and was still trying to catch his breath, but he was smiling. Cause he knew Rachel had seen.

I rolled my eyes. "Dude, go home. Seriously. Just go. I know you wanna… well, I'm not sure what you want. We're going through with this stupid gathering you've got planned tomorrow or whatever. But just go before you make Rachel worse. Forget Q. If you care about Rach, take your stupid ass home. And don't bring that bullshit back with you tomorrow." I got in his face. "You make this shit harder on Rachel and I swear to God, Q won't have to worry about taking you out. I still hide fucking razor blades, dipshit. We'll see who's bragging about equipment when I'm wearing yours for a necklace."

I turned around, hoping he'd listen to me and just go the fuck home.

* * *

As soon as we got inside, Kurt grabbed Finn and dragged him out the front door. I didn't know what he was saying but I could hear him yelling.

"Whoa," Leroy muttered to Britt and me. They were standing in the kitchen.

"Where are they?" I asked.

They both looked upstairs. I noticed Judy standing behind H then. "Mrs. Fabray."

She smiled sadly. "Santana. It's nice to see you."

I nodded. "You too." I frowned. "How much of that did Rachel see?"

Judy sighed and looked away. "Enough." She looked at Brittany. "I had no idea Quinn was that…" She didn't finish. I had no idea Quinn was that much of a badass? Dyke? Crazy as fuck? It could've gone several ways.

"…strong," Hiram finished for her. "That was mildly disturbing."

And Leroy nodded. "And mildly impressive. She's a lot stronger than I remember her being in high school," he mused. Yeah, that was another understatement.

"Yep. But we can all agree that Hudson is just as stupid," I added. No one could argue with that.

Hiram and Judy frowned even as Leroy nodded. Leroy didn't wear the rose colored glasses H's dumbass was so fond of.

I finally looked back up the stairs. "Want me to go check?" I asked.

The Berry men nodded at me. So did Judy.

Brittany frowned. "I should go too." She was right. She could diffuse Q like a bomb. I was still fascinated by that.

When we got up the stairs, Q was standing outside of Rachel's room. The door was shut. She was knocking really softly with an open palm. Her forehead was against the door. Her hand was tapping a rhythm.

"Rachel, please…" she pleaded. "Open the door." She noticed her us walk up and grimaced. "I fucked up, huh?"

Neither of us said anything. Maybe she had. Maybe she hadn't. I knew where to place my bet though.

She turned back to the door when she realized we weren't gonna answer her. "Please, Rach…" She sounded small. "I'm sorry," she muttered, forehead back against it. Hand slapping softly. "Please, Rachel. I'm so sorry." She sounded pathetic. Damn it.

I pushed her out of the way and knocked on the door louder and with my fist. "Rachel, open the damn door."

Brittany frowned. "Be nice."

I rolled my eyes back. "I am being nice." I hit the door again. Harder. Sometimes Rachel needed a little push. "Fucking A! Rach! Open the…"

She opened it before I could finish. "Stop beating on the door!"

I smirked. "Got you to open it, didn't I?" Go me, by the way.

She ignored me. Whatever.

"Rachel, I…." Quinn started. She had tears in her eyes. Shit, I almost felt sorry for her. Son of a whore.

But Rachel wasn't having it. "No… listen. I know you're angry with him and I'm sure he said something to cause that. But I can't have you acting like this. Not in my fathers' house. You can't just…" she shook her head. "Go home. With your mother. She hasn't seen you in a year."

I watched Q's face. Judy had totally thrown her under the bus. Sucks. She choked up and looked away. "You don't want me here." She said quietly. It wasn't a question. It was almost kinda heartbreaking cause she hadn't really done anything wrong. Hudson totally had that shit coming. It wasn't my place to say that though. Rach knew better anyway.

Rachel sighed. I knew that sigh. She was tired. Fuck. Like I said… one step forward, two steps back. "Yes, I do. But not right now. There are too many people here. And you need to leave." She stopped when we heard Finn's truck start up. She looked relieved. I felt the same way. "I want you to come back. I want you to stay here tonight. Okay?"

Quinn nodded but wouldn't look at her. "Okay," she whispered.

"I just need a little time. And quiet." Rachel whispered back.

Brittany smiled softly. "I'll go too. I can get Judy to drop me off at my parents. I'd get to surprise them. I think they'd like that."

Rachel gave her a soft nod, obviously thankful. She looked at me. "Do you think I can have a pill? Just one?" She was embarrassed even asking.

I nodded. "Sure," I smiled. Even though my stomach dropped. "I'll get my bag."

I left Quinn standing at her doorway. I saw Rachel hug her as Brittany followed me into the bedroom.

"She's gonna be okay, San." Brittany said, patting my leg. "I figured this would happen. Too many people. Plus she's scared about tomorrow."

I opened the pill bottle and shook one into my hand. "I know. Just keep Q in check. She didn't do anything wrong. Tell her I said that." I sat down on the bed. I couldn't figure out how someone who'd slept close to twelve fucking hours could still be tired. But I was. I fought the urge to shake myself a pill out as well.

She bent down and kissed me softly on the lips. I almost wanted to cry when I kissed her back. I forgot what that felt like.

She pulled away, softly smiling. "We'll be back tonight." She said, walking out.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Fuck if I wasn't in trouble.

Rachel was sitting on her bed when I got back. Q and Britts must've already left.

"You okay?" I asked her.

She nodded, holding out her hand.

I eyed her carefully before relenting. "You let me stay, I'll give you the pill."

She scooted back on the bed and patted beside her. "That's fair." She took it from me as I sat down. "But no talking."

"Sounds good to me," I told her, letting her snuggle into me. I think I fell asleep before she did.

* * *

**Drama! She'll be back. No worries.**

**Thanks so much for all the adds and reviews. Seriously... You have no idea.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Still. Not. Mine.**

**Okay so this chapter is super long and switches POV half way through. My reasoning - twofold really. One I can't post for a fews days, and two I didn't want it ending on a similar note as a previous chapter. Hope that's okay.**

* * *

Chapter 11

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that I was in my old room. The second thing I noticed was that I was alone. Followed quickly by the realization that it was dark outside. And then everything else that had happened came rushing back.

There was something about the pills that Santana had prescribed me (and hid from me) that made me momentarily forget everything. I would usually wake up in a daze, just like now, and memories would come hurrying back. It wasn't a good feeling.

I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was past seven. I'd been sleeping for seven hours.

The other things about the pills Santana gave me – they knocked me out.

I did like the dreamless sleep.

I heard voices downstairs, but wasn't ready to face anyone, so I got up and quietly locked the door. Santana would know I was awake soon and she'd be in to check on me. She'd probably be mad that the door was locked, but… I still didn't want to see anyone. I tuned out the voices, determined not to wonder who they belonged to.

Quinn's mother had come to see me this morning. Or, more likely to see Quinn, but she'd sat with me for a while and we'd talked. I had never really had a conversation with Judy Fabray before. I had always imagined her to be extremely… conservative. She pleasantly surprised me.

* * *

_"Rach?" Brittany knocked on the door. "Are you up?"_

_"Yes," Rachel called through the door. Quinn was in the shower down the hall. Rachel didn't feel the need to take another one and had gotten dressed instead. _

_Brittany peered inside before opening the door all the way. She was holding a mug of coffee. _

_And standing behind her was Judy Fabray._

_"Rach, you remember Judy, don't you?" Brittany asked, handing her the mug. "She wanted to come up and see you. Hope that's okay?"_

_Rachel nodded and stood up to shake her hand. "Hello, Mrs. Fabray. It's very nice to see you again." She looked toward the door. "Quinn's taking a shower."_

_Judy shook her hand. "Oh, I know. Brittany told me. I hope you don't mind that I'm intruding like this. Hiram said it was fine but you know how men are."_

_She smiled softly at Quinn's mom. Her father said that she'd visited a few times. "Of course," she answered._

_Brittany was still standing at the door. "I'm gonna go help H with the muffins." She caught Rachel's eye and nodded softly. "She's cool," she mouthed behind Mrs. Fabray's back. She softly shut the door._

_Judy had a box in her hand. She sat it down on the desk. "I assume it seems odd that I wanted to see you." She smiled gently at Rachel. "I imagine many people have just dropped in to see you over the last few weeks."_

_Rachel nodded. "Some. I've been sort of hiding from people."_

_"It must have been a surprise when Quinnie and Brittany showed up," Judy mused. "I guess that's my fault."_

_Rachel studied her face. "What do you mean?"_

_She shook her head. "Oh just that I got her Kurt's number." She looked at the shut door. "I asked Brittany to keep her occupied for a few minutes. I really can't wait to see her. I talk to her often but it's been a year since I've actually laid eyes on her." She frowned. "But I wanted to speak to you privately, provided you'd allow it."_

_Rachel thought about the request. She finally nodded. "Okay," she answered. _

_"I hope that Quinn has been…" Judy stopped to think, "…understanding. She doesn't always appreciate how intense she can be." She watched Rachel's face. "I was a tiny bit worried that she may have… well, what's a good word? Overstepped, maybe?" She nodded to herself. "I suppose yes… overstepped her boundaries."_

_"She hasn't," Rachel whispered. "She's been really…." It was Rachel's turn to think. "…mindful of boundaries." More than I have, she didn't say._

_"Good," Mrs. Fabray smiled. "I've never seen her as worried about someone. She's regularly closed off when it comes to her emotions," she frowned. "At least where I'm concerned. She doesn't share things with me very often. When she called me… well, of course I'd heard the news…" _

_Rachel was impressed at the fact that Judy Fabray didn't break eye contact one time. A trait Quinn had neglected to inherit. She nodded for the woman to continue._

_"It was just difficult for her to process. So, I just wanted to make sure she went about it the right way."_

_"I'm glad she's here," Rachel gave as an answer. _

_"Good." Judy looked out the window. "I wondered what I would say to you about your loss. I realize that there really is no right thing to say. I am in no position to make it better. I can tell you that you have my deepest sympathies." _

_What Rachel did notice was that Quinn had inherited her mother's glistening eyes. "Thank you, Mrs. Fabray. That means a lot."_

_Judy frowned. "Please call me Judy." She uncrossed and crossed her legs at the ankle. "May I be frank?"_

_Rachel quirked an eyebrow. She appreciated the question. "Please," she answered._

_"I know my daughter regrets a lot in her life. I believe you know what is at the top of that really long list?" She waited for Rachel to nod. When she did, she continued. "She was foolish, Rachel. But… you understand if things had worked out for the two of you, provided of course that you wanted that… well, you recognize that your life would have been quite different. And, well… I'm not one to believe in fate, but…"_

_Rachel nodded back. "I wouldn't trade anything, Mrs. Fabray."_

_She nodded sadly. "Of course not. Children are quite a gift, are they not?"_

_"Yes…"_

_"I'm sure you cherished every moment, didn't you? I'm sorry you didn't get more."_

_Rachel looked away, tears spilling down her cheek. "Not as sorry as I am." She closed her eyes. And was surprised when she felt Judy's arms around her. _

_"Sometimes, you just need a mom. I know you have two terrific fathers and I would never presume…" she stopped speaking when she felt Rachel's arms squeeze around her neck. _

_"Thank you," Rachel finally whispered. _

_"You're welcome, dear," Judy whispered back._

* * *

I'd forgotten the box she'd left. She hadn't mentioned it and I thought maybe she'd forgotten it in her haste or something when we'd heard Quinn's voice coming from the backyard and ran downstairs.

It was just a plain brown box, like something someone was going to send through UPS. My manager had warned me about opening these types of boxes, but I assumed if Judy Fabray wanted to poison me she'd had figured out a better way to do it.

It wasn't taped or sealed in any way, and I pulled back the flap and noticed a handwritten letter on crisp white stationary.

* * *

_Rachel,_

_I assume you, like most women, are inherently curious and that at some point you'll open this box. I hope you don't find it presumptuous that I left it for you. I could have decorated or wrapped it I suppose, but it is not my gift to give._

_ I remember one day in particular the summer after your senior year in high. I didn't understand its importance at the time. Maybe I pretended not to understand it. However, I do now. I do recall finding my Quinn crying in her bedroom. She wouldn't speak to me for days. I never knew what was wrong with her. Or again, maybe I did._

_ That day, though, I found this gift. It took me many years to realize it was for you. That she was crying because of you. That she believed that you left that day without telling her good-bye. I find it terribly sad you believed the same thing._

_ I've never unwrapped it. I don't know what's inside. I'm not sure what she would say if she knew that I gave it to you. I assume she's long forgotten about it. But that's probably an impractical assumption to make._

_I've thought for quite some time about how I can help you. Realistically, I know that I cannot. A loss of a child is a pain we must suffer alone, but I hope, in time, that you might want to open the gift. And as one mother to another, I think you can understand why I am giving it to you._

_Sincerely,_

_Judy _

* * *

I read the letter twice before I looked inside the box. The paper was faded, but at some point, I could tell that it had been gold. The knowledge made me smile. I held it in my hand. I wasn't sure if I should open it or not, but…

I couldn't lie to myself and say I wasn't interested. I pulled the paper away carefully. Inside was a plain white box. I opened it, and peered inside. I put my hand over my mouth, mostly just to stifle my gasp.

I knew instantly it was a music box. The kind I'd had when I was a little girl. Pink… girly and cute and… I hadn't seen one like this in years. It had little gold stars on it and when I turned the key on the back and opened it, it had a tiny little ballerina that twirled to _Greensleeves._

I had to blink to keep from crying. I noticed the folded piece of paper and slowly opened it. I knew immediately it was a letter and I knew it had been in the box for years. I turned the key twice listening to the song play softly and the ballerina turn in small circles, before I decided to read it.

* * *

_So Rachel, I think we should just start at the beginning. Or maybe we should start at the end? Why am I asking you a question in a letter? It's not like you can answer me._

_Okay – returning to topic now. What's the topic? I don't know (oh look, a question I can answer. Or can't answer. Whatever…). Maybe we should start with the music box. I realize that it's a little childish. I know you aren't six. I mean you're moving to New York soon. But there's a story behind it. Or one like it._

_When I was a little girl, my father bought me a similar music box. It was a simpler time I guess. I used to watch the sweet little ballerina spin in circles over and over again and imagine I was her. And that one day I'd get to dance just like that. It was a silly little girl fantasy. When I got older, I forgot about it. I became a Cheerio instead of a ballerina. And let's be honest, there was nothing sweet about me._

_I found it a few months after I had Beth. For nights I lay awake twisting the key over and over and watching the tiny little ballerina twirl. One day I wrote Beth a letter and sealed it in an envelope and put it in the music box. I mailed it to the address Shelby gave me. I don't know if she ever got it or not._

_A few weeks ago my mom had one of her spontaneous ideas and decided we should go "antiquing." Normally these bouts of spontaneity had me hiding in my room, but I'd had a particularly good week and decided to humor her. I saw this box in one of the first shops we visited. When I opened it up, I saw that ballerina had black hair. _

_I never remembered seeing one with dark hair before._

_At first I wanted to keep it. Secret it away and pretend that when I opened it, that somewhere Beth was opening hers too. And she was thinking of me. But the more I looked at it, the more I realized why I was drawn to it in the first place._

_It reminded me of you._

_I know it's silly. I know you're probably reading this in your dorm room in New York and you're thinking it's childish and immature and why couldn't Quinn just buy me a real going away present or whatever. To be honest, I've thought and thought about what to get you, but I kept coming back to this box. It sort of means something to me. So I want you to have it._

_Maybe you're asking yourself why? If you really want to know, keep reading. If not, stop now. I'll understand. _

_Why is the question I've asked myself for a few years now. Why did I have to meet Rachel Berry? Why can't I stop thinking about her? Why is it so hard to admit? Why do I feel this way?_

_Or maybe it's what? What is this feeling? What is it about Rachel? _

_Sometimes it's how. How can I tell her?_

_When?_

_So this is me, Lucy Quinn Fabray, Head Cheerio, Teen Mom, every stupid statistical teenage girl with a screwed up past, telling you, Rachel Barbra Berry, Glee club President, Prom Queen, beautiful anti-statistical teenage girl with an amazing future, that I love you._

_I love you._

_I can't breathe. Even writing it, I can't breathe._

_I won't tell you I'm sorry. You deserve more than to be apologized to in a letter. You deserve a grand gesture and years of groveling and you deserve my tears. _

_Unfortunately, you can't see those right now._

_I'm not asking anything. You don't have to do anything. I don't expect it. Or deserve it. But I just can't let you leave without knowing. I can't let you leave without telling you that kissing you was seriously the best moment of my life. That holding you afterwards made me actually believe in God again._

_It's cheesy. I'm cheesy. Wow. Love is fucking scary. I didn't know it would be scary. I didn't know it would hurt, but feel good at the same time. Who would have thought that was possible?_

_So, I love you. And I wanted you to know. You had to know. And even if I never see you again, even if this terrifies you and you crumple this letter and throw it away, at least I told you. At least you know. _

_All I've ever wanted was for you to know._

* * *

I folded the letter neatly and put it back inside the jewelry box. I turned the key again and watched the dark-haired ballerina turn slowly. I wanted to read it again, if only to reassure myself that it was real, but I was afraid my tears would smudge it. So I shut the box softly.

I heard a soft knock and moved over to unlock the door. Santana stepped inside. She noticed me holding the box, but in an uncharacteristically un-Santana like move, she didn't say anything about it.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

I sat down on the bed. "Okay," I whispered. "I slept a long time. Did I miss your mother?"

She nodded. "She peeked in to see you, kissed you on the cheek, and made me promise to feed you." She smiled. "Then when we got in the hallway she smacked the hell out of me for giving you a Valium." She shrugged. "She's worried."

"I'd like to see her before we leave," I told her.

"I think I can arrange that. She offered to come over and help Hiram and Leroy with this holy mess of a gathering tomorrow." Her frown was evident. I assumed it matched my own.

I took a deep breath and wondered if I was going to have to take another type of pill to get through it. "Are they all coming?"

She nodded. "As best as I can figure. Quinn said Puck stopped by her house earlier. Sans wife, which is kinda sad," she smirked. "Anyway, he said he was feeling sorta skeevy about it, so he wanted to make sure it was okay. She told him nothing about it was okay. Probably with her hands on her hips and a sinister roll of her eyes. But she figured you'd want to see him before anyone else. So she told him to come." She quirked her eyebrow. "She right?"

I shrugged. I had actually missed Noah. We'd lost touch soon after I'd moved to New York, but I'd always wondered about him. "I wouldn't mind seeing him." I sighed. "I wouldn't mind seeing anyone really. I just don't know how I feel about seeing everyone together and because of…" I trailed off.

She nodded. "Same. We can always tell them to go fuck themselves."

I shook my head. "You know I would never do that." I ran my hand absently over the music box. "Who's downstairs?" I finally asked.

She frowned because she knew why I was asking, I figured. "Britt got back about an hour ago. Her mother made you some banana bread. B wouldn't let me eat it," she scowled, crossing her arms. "Q got back about thirty minutes ago. She's downstairs. I don't know what Judy did, but she's calmer. Not calm, cause that'd be asking too much but…" She sighed heavily. "Okay, here's the deal. Q didn't start that shit out there earlier. Just a heads up. She showed her ass, but I'm not really one to judge her there, seeing as I've been known to partake in similar behavior. Not saying it makes it right or anything, but… she knows she was wrong. And she's feeling a lot more than just bad about it." She smiled when she remembered something. "Also, she's scary as shit. Britt said she took a lot of classes out in L.A. I'm not sure what the hell they were in, but damn…"

"You know how I feel about violence," I countered. I assumed earlier that Quinn didn't start it. If I'd learned nothing else in the short time she'd been back in my life, I at least knew she wasn't the type to actually start anything.

She nodded. "I do. I'm just saying, you push someone like Q long enough, she's gonna push back. She always has. She's just a lot more efficient in her pushing now."

I shook my head. "If long enough is two conversations in the course of twenty-four hours, I'm concerned for her."

She sat down beside me and patted me on the thigh. "I love how forgiving you are in general, Rach. It's a quality I wish I had. B's got it…"

I nodded.

"But I don't. And neither does Q. She doesn't trust by nature." She frowned. "And if you think that shit between her and Hudson started yesterday, you're slower than I gave you credit for."

I scoffed. "I'm ignoring the insult, Santana Lopez. But I realize it's been going on longer than that. A lot longer. I just don't think I can take much more drama. Maybe I don't have a right to ask…"

She jumped up. "No, you definitely do. She's promised to back off. I don't know about Hudson, but I'm hoping he learned his lesson." She nodded to the music box. "Where'd that come from?" She finally asked.

"Judy," I whispered. It was easier. I didn't want to betray Quinn's confidence, even over a decade later. And I definitely hadn't processed what the letter said. Or how I felt about it.

She nodded, obviously not believing me. I had to give her credit. She knew when I was lying. And she rarely called me on it. "Wanna go downstairs? Nobody else is here. Kurt warned Finn and then called his mom. Gotta love a diva tattletale."

I hesitated. "If Puck's in town, isn't everyone else?"

She nodded. "Probably. That was the other thing Kurt warned off. No one else is allowed over here till tomorrow. Apparently they're all having a get-together over at Hudson's."

Great. That was nice. They could all acclimate before they bombarded us tomorrow. I frowned. "Did you bring the other pills?" Santana had prescribed Xanax as well.

She nodded. "Normally I'd totally fight you on this. But I figure I'm gonna have to drug half the people in this house tomorrow. Myself included."

She was smiling, but I wasn't entirely sure she was kidding.

* * *

When we got downstairs, everyone was watching a movie. Kurt was sitting on the couch with my fathers. Brittany was curled up next to Judy on the loveseat. Quinn was sitting in the chair beside them.

They all looked up when I walked in.

I went with a smile. "So Santana decided to let me out. I thought she forget about me."

She slapped my arm softly. "It's hard keeping someone prisoner. Plus I got bored."

My dad rolled his eyes. "She used the computer to look up 'How to Hide Things' and actually found a website that went into great detail. Then she printed it out, highlighted the important information, and hand-delivered it to me."

"Have you read it?" She asked him, completely serious.

"It was twelve pages!" He cried.

She rolled her eyes. "We also played croquet," she shrugged. She sat down on the floor in front of Brittany.

Kurt nodded, smiling. "Leroy hit her in the foot with a ball and then she huffed and said we all sucked and came inside. She's the biggest baby when it comes to lawn sports."

"No one told me white people games involved balls that were made of wood," she said.

I laughed and watched her cross her arms. I was still standing in the doorway. I smiled at Brittany and Mrs. Fabray. "Thank you for…" I didn't want to say gift or box or… "earlier. I just go it," I added, so she'd realize what I meant.

She smiled sweetly. "You're very welcome, Rachel."

Quinn was suspicious anyway. She didn't say anything though. "Sit here," she spoke delicately. She moved to the floor in front of the chair.

I thought about arguing. I didn't mind sitting on the floor, but… that would've been pointless. I sat down and smiled at her. "Thank you."

"You hungry?" My daddy asked.

Brittany leaned over. "My mom sent you lots of food. San is mad she can't eat the bread cause it's totally her favorite. But there's other stuff too. Or I can make you something?"

I wasn't the least bit hungry. I noticed my dad was holding a bowl of popcorn though and I figured I'd just pretend and eat that instead. "Is there more popcorn?"

Kurt was up before I got the question out of my mouth. He came back seconds later with a smaller bowl.

Santana rolled her eyes at him.

"It's better than nothing," he snapped, throwing a piece at her.

She caught it with her mouth. "You all know that was awesome," she smirked.

I watched both my dads roll their eyes back. I liked that they loved her.

"Rachel," my dad said. "They've talked us into watching this zombie movie." He nodded to Kurt. "We were outnumbered."

Judy raised her hand. "I voted against it as well."

"B was the deciding vote," San smiled.

"Traitor," Kurt murmured.

My daddy laughed. "I don't know what you're so angry about. You've had your hands over your eyes for the last twenty minutes."

"It doesn't make any sense. Zombies aren't fast…"

Quinn leaned up and finally spoke. "Actually, there are several cultures that believe that zombies are…"

"Ugh," half the room moaned.

My dad shook his head, smiling. "No more lectures, Professor."

She huffed and crossed her arms, leaning back against my chair. I was worried he'd hurt her feelings but I could tell she was hiding a smile. "Everyone's been ganging up on me, Rach," she pretended to whine.

I glared at them before patting her on the shoulder. "They're just jealous that you're smarter than they are. Trust me, I completely understand. It's hard being better at something than everyone else."

They all moaned again, even as she turned around and smiled at me. "Exactly," she nodded, pleased.

"Of for the love of Jehovah, turn the damn movie back on," Santana groaned, knocking her head against the couch.

* * *

The movie lasted until almost ten. Judy yawned when it was over. "I cannot believe I watched that." She muttered. She smiled at my dad. "I can't believe you watched that."

He shrugged back at her. "I've been reading Santana's detailed instructions on the intricacies of hiding. She made notes."

"You are insane," Kurt told Santana.

She shrugged.

Judy stood up and hugged Quinn. "I'll see you in the morning?"

I watched Quinn's face. "If that's okay?" She asked me.

I nodded.

"Okay," Judy said, hugging Brittany. She patted Santana on the arm. I appreciated the fact she was as smart as Quinn and could read people just as well. "Good night, Rachel. Is it okay if I come back tomorrow? I want to help your fathers and…" she didn't finish.

I hugged her. "I'd like you to be here," I said.

My dads walked her out.

"Okay, girls. Three bedrooms. And I am not sleeping with Santana," Kurt smirked.

"Oh no! Say it ain't so! And here I had my little heart so set on it." She cried dramatically.

He shook his head. "I'm tired. My family has decided that six is a good time to wake up. And after a rousing game of croquet and a movie where the protagonist's main objective is not to get eaten, I'm feeling a little beat." He kissed my cheek. "Good night, superstar." He smiled at Brittany and Quinn. "You too." He rolled his eyes at Santana. "Sleep tight, Satan," he murmured.

Santana smirked as he left the room. "He's mad I beat him at Hearts earlier." She noticed our faces. "I said we got bored." She yawned. "Shit. I'm tired too. When did I get old?"

Quinn started to speak.

"Save it, Fabray." She smirked. "If I'm old, so are you."

Quinn frowned at that. "Damn, "she muttered, sitting back down and crossing her arms. She was pouting.

Brittany patted her on the arm. "We're going to bed," she said. "Give me a kiss."

Quinn smacked her arm. "Good night," she smiled.

Santana bent down to Quinn then. "How about me?" She wiggled her eyebrow.

I bent over and kissed her cheek before Quinn could smack her. "Good night, my lovely jailor."

She stood up, grinning. She picked me up and hugged me. "Good night," she kissed me back and followed Brittany out of the room.

"You can't help yourself, can you?" I heard Brittany ask her after they left.

We didn't hear her reply.

My dads came in soon after and said goodnight to us both. I hugged them and thanked them for understanding what I needed today.

"Honey," my daddy said. "Playing croquet with those two friends of yours was just about the highlight of my week. I've never seen someone concentrate so hard on a game just to knock her ball over and over again into the pool. It made our day."

My dad nodded. "Except when she chased Kurt with the mallet. That was scary."

He shrugged. "He's fast when he's terrified."

They both left, giggling.

Quinn was sitting on the loveseat, her hands in her lap. "If you want, I can sleep on the couch. I honestly do not mind at all."

I watched her face. She was sweet when she didn't mean to be. "I don't want. I would never fall asleep worried about the zombie apocalypse and the fact you were just lying out in the middle of the living room like a midmorning snack."

She actually grinned. "You're right. That would definitely suck."

I shrugged. "I'm not really sleepy."

She smiled at that. "Okay. What would you like to do?"

Oh wow. I wasn't expecting to have to figure out something to do. "Can I show you a photo album?" I finally asked.

Well that wiped the smile off her face. "Sure," she answered. "If you want to? I don't want to upset…"

I shook my head. "No. I don't mind." I stood up. "Stay here, okay?"

She nodded and sat back. I went into the other room to get the photo album my father's had made after Lizzie was born. They had one made every month. This was just the first one. It was enough for tonight.

* * *

She was sitting on the loveseat with her legs behind her when I came back, remote in hand, flipping through the channels. I could tell she wanted to be as unassuming as possible. I found it sweet.

She smiled softly when I came back in. I couldn't help but notice her looking at the book in my hand.

"It's okay," I told her. "I want to show you. If you want to look at them?"

I was suddenly worried that maybe I was asking too much.

She nodded quickly. "Of course I do."

"Okay," I said, sitting beside her.

I opened the book. The first picture was of me, seven months pregnant. I was sitting in a chair by my parent's pool. My feet were propped up. I hadn't realized that Kurt had taken the picture, or I probably would've been scowling.

"You look happy," she whispered.

I laughed. "That's because I didn't know they were taking my photograph. It was so hot. I could've killed Kurt."

She nodded but didn't look up from the picture. I handed her the book. She took it softly and flipped the page.

The next picture was in the hospital. My daddy and Santana were in this one. I hadn't given birth yet and I was angry. It was more evident in this one. "I was in some pain," I offered.

She smiled. "You look beautiful."

I laughed again. "Then the zombies have already gotten your brain," I said, smacking her on the arm.

She ignored that and flipped the page. I heard her catch her breath. Eliza was born a few hours after the last picture. And a few minutes before this one. At least I was smiling in it.

"She was perfect," she muttered, touching it lightly. She flipped slowly through the next dozen or so. All were in the hospital. Pictures of Kurt. Santana. My dads. A few of my friends from college who'd stopped by to visit. Finn and Kara… she turned that one quickly. Even the Hummels and Lopezes. It had taken her close to thirty minutes. The last picture from the hospital was Lizzie sleeping on my chest. I was asleep too. I didn't realize my dad had gotten that picture.

"That's one of my favorites," I told her softly.

"Mine too," she whispered back.

"There's only a few more in this one," I told her, as she turned the page. She was going slowly, touching each one. I was proud I wasn't crying.

"Kurt bought the outfit," I smiled. "He said 'you only get to go home from the hospital once.' Santana told him that was stupid. People go home from the hospital all the time."

"He had the right idea," she said. "I would have figured he'd had gone for something pink."

I crossed my arms and pretended to pout. "That's what I got for letting him pick it out." I smiled at her. "No, really. It was perfect. Biscotti silk he called it. Santana was afraid I was going to drop her cause silk is slippery," I laughed. " But I didn't, and really she looked like a little angel."

I heard her breath catch. She was still looking at the photograph. I was sitting in the chair holding Lizzie. It was probably the first time I'd knowingly had my picture taken without smiling at the camera.

I was smiling at my daughter instead.

She closed the book slowly and handed it back to me. "Thank you," she whispered. Her famous tears were shining. "Really."

I nodded and held the book to my chest. "Maybe later, we can look at some more?"

She smiled. "I'd really like that." She noticed the time on the television. We'd been looking at the pictures for over forty-five minutes. "Are you ready to go to bed?"

I nodded. "You'd think I wouldn't be since I slept all day…"

She shook her head, standing up and offering me her hand. "Those pills are different."

I sat the book on the coffee table and took her hand. I knew she was right. I just needed something to say.

I forgot about the music box until I opened the door to my bedroom and saw it sitting on my bed. I turned around suddenly. "Wait," I said, holding my hand up to keep her from walking in the room.

She raised her eyebrow at me.

I closed my eyes, trying to figure out a way to tell her what her mother had brought me. "Earlier today, when your mom came by…" I watched her face. "She brought me something."

She seemed genuinely interested and not the least bit suspicious. "Oh. What was it?"

I stepped out of the way and motioned to my bed. "She hadn't opened it," I rushed out. "I opened it before I came downstairs earlier."

"Oh my god," she muttered, putting her hand over her mouth. "I…" She couldn't speak. "I…"

She had a look of sheer terror on her face. She turned around, and I knew she was about to run. I grabbed her arm.

"No," I said firmly.

She shook out of my grasp as softly as she could manage. "I just need a minute, okay?" She pleaded. She didn't turn around.

"Okay," I relented as she walked out of the room.

When I looked into the hallway a few minutes later and there was no sign of her, I sighed and decided to take a bath. I figured she needed some time and I would've gone crazy sitting in the room waiting on her to come back.

* * *

About thirty minutes later, I'd changed into my pajamas. I felt better after the bath. She was sitting on the bed when I got back in the bedroom. The music box was opened beside her and she was reading the letter.

She didn't look up when I walked in. "I can't believe she kept this." She said. She folded the letter and put it back in the box. "I can't believe I wrote that."

I felt my stomach drop. "Really?" I asked quietly.

She looked up then. "No, I just meant…" She frowned. "Do we really need to talk about that?"

I shrugged and moved to other side of the bed. She hadn't moved and I was staring at her back as I got in. "I guess not."

She didn't turn around. "Do you want to talk about it? I just think it's senseless for me to point out I've felt the same way for over a decade now. You should've figured that out by now."

"Oh," I whispered. "I guess not. Maybe we should go to sleep?"

She twisted around to look at me. "Okay," she said.

I nodded and pulled back the blankets and she got under them. She'd changed clothes while I was in the bath. She lay on her back beside me and I crawled against her. I didn't know if it was necessary to ask her if it was okay or not.

But when I felt her put her arms around me and pull me closer, I realized I didn't have to.

"Good night, superstar," she whispered against the top of my head.

I put my arm around her stomach. I could get used to sleeping with her. "Good night, ballerina," I whispered back.

I felt her heartbeat quicken even as I fell asleep.

* * *

This morning I woke up to Brittany pacing the bedroom floor. It was not as much fun as yesterday morning. I groaned and rolled over to look at the clock. It was eight o'clock.

"Is there a reason you're wearing a hole in the carpet?" I asked her, rolling back over.

She stopped and frowned at me. "I've got a bad feeling about today." She started pacing again. "It's making me nervous. I can't sleep."

I moaned. Normally I'd chalk it up to nerves, but as I've already established, B's intuition sorta astounded me. If she had a bad feeling, so did I. My stomach felt heavy.

"Kurt said everyone was coming around three," I sighed, getting up. "What the fuck are we even supposed to wear?"

She frowned again but didn't stop walking this time. Shit, I was kidding earlier about the hole, but now I wasn't so sure. "Oh crap, I didn't think about that."

Fuck. I didn't want her to worry too. There were enough of us in this house worrying right now. "It's cool, B. You look good no matter what you wear," I smiled at her.

That got her to stop pacing. She walked over and sat down on the bed beside me. "You really are sweet," she said, smiling. She kissed me. I could at least get used to waking up like that.

"Don't tell anyone," I muttered against her lips before kissing her again.

* * *

We didn't get a chance to sneak into Rach's bedroom this morning. When I opened the door, they were both awake. Quinn was sitting on the edge of the bed, running her hand through her hair, frowning, and pretty much watching Rach do the exact same thing Britt was doing earlier.

"Do you even know if Tina has children?" She was asking. "Is Sam married? Mike? I know Artie is, but I just…"

Quinn caught both of our eyes, before turning back to Rach. "I don't know about Sam but I think so. Tina has kids. Not sure about Artie. Mike is married…"

"And Noah? His wife didn't come? Does he have children? Does he think she wasn't invited, cause that seems silly. I'd like to meet her. I'm sure she's very sweet." She hadn't stopped walking back and forth.

"Uh, Puck said she didn't want to intrude?" Q asked, like it was a fucking question. I kinda felt sorry for her. Rach hadn't even noticed us standing there. "He doesn't have kids. Well that he's aware of anyway…" Props for trying to be funny.

I laughed and Rachel spun around. "What time are they coming? Do I have to speak? I don't know what to say…" She moaned and flopped down next to Q. "I always know what to say. How can I have agreed to this?"

Q rubbed her back and looked to us for help. We moved into the room together.

"It's okay, Rach." Brittany said, squatting beside the bed. "I'll be Bodyguard Brittany today. And you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do, okay?"

Rachel threw herself backwards and peered from under her arms. "Okay," she said. "I'm so nervous," she moaned, turning over and burying her head in the mattress. "I can't believe this…" she mumbled.

Q was biting her lip. "If you don't want to call it off…" she sounded way too hopeful. "…we can just say hi to everyone. Let them say whatever it is they've got to say and kick them out." She looked like that was exactly what she wanted to do.

I had to agree with her that that was an awesome way to go. "Agreed."

"That would be rude," Rachel moaned.

"So the fuck what?" I asked. "Who gives a shit?"

Brittany patted my arm and turned to Rachel. "Want to hang out with me for a while?" She asked.

Rachel rolled over and nodded. "Okay," she smiled at her.

She sat up and shoved Q and I both out of the room, throwing Quinn's bag at her at the same time. "Go get showers or whatever. And then send Kurt up. I've got this."

We both nodded. It gave them something to do. And like Quinn said, Britt was way better at this stuff.

* * *

I met Q downstairs about an hour later later. She was sitting at the kitchen counter drinking coffee.

"My mom and Hiram went to the store about five minutes ago. Kurt went back to his parents earlier. Your mom was just here. She left with Leroy to go…" she shook her head. "I swear to God they told me but I don't fucking remember."

I nodded at her. "It's cool. She texted me. They had some errands to run. I'm hoping it involved picking up some alcohol." I poured myself a cup of coffee and leaned across the counter from her. "So I figured we don't have a lot of time. You and me need to talk game plan."

"I'm listening," she answered.

"So Hudson's our first problem," I started. "You know you're on lockdown today, right? Rach can't get anymore upset."

She nodded. "I'll be good. My mother basically threatened my life yesterday. As scary as you are, you don't hold a candle to Judy Fabray."

I was inclined to believe her. "So nothing. Not even if he comes in swinging." I frowned. "I mean metaphorically. If he starts literally swinging, I'll just cut his dumbass and we can call it a day."

She held up her hands. "Deal."

I nodded. "Okay, moving on." I didn't figure there was any point in dwelling on her lack of mental stability when it came to Hudson. Mostly cause I couldn't blame her ass for it. "Kurt's a good buffer usually but fucking Blaine will be here." Jesus Christ, I forgot how much this shit was gonna blow. "So he'll be useless."

"I talked to Puck about it," she said, taking a drink of coffee. "He'll run interference."

"Good," I muttered. I grabbed a piece of toast one of our industrious parents had made earlier. "I know Finn thinks this is some sort of…" I took a bite of toast, and continued. "…memorial service or whatever," I muttered around it.

She rolled her eyes. "It's amazing I can understand you with your mouth full." She grabbed a piece for herself and took a bite. She waited until she swallowed before she spoke though. "Kurt called it a gathering. Is that like a party? What does that mean?"

That was definitely my question too. "Exactly. And our parentals are fucking cooking for god's sake."

She was about to speak when Kurt ran in the kitchen. "Thank god you're up!"

"I thought you were going to your parents?" I asked.

Q nodded beside me.

"Already been. Carol said, Finn has some picture of Eliza…" he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "He wanted to bring it. It's like one of those photographs they put on easels or something at funerals. It's morbid. And…" He was close to squealing. "I told her no way. Nu uh. To hide it in the last place he'd find it."

"She took it to the library then?" Q offered.

"Not helping!" He did squeal this time. "This is gonna be a disaster!" He started pacing now. Third pacer in the span of an hour. I was going to faint from dizziness soon.

I grabbed his shoulders. "Buck up, dude. We gotta be on point. Rachel's already freaking."

That got his attention. "Where is she?"

"Up there with Brittany. B said to send you up." I motioned with my eyes. "What the hell are we even supposed to wear?" I asked him.

He turned to go. I assumed he was going to find them. "Casual," he called over his shoulders. "Casual. This. Is. Not. A. Funeral." He scampered out of the room.

"Gotcha," I called back.

Quinn quirked her eyebrow.

I shrugged. "Always defer to Kurt when it comes to all things fashion." I took a deep breath and sat down beside her. "Here's the deal. People expect me and Rach and Kurt. We're like the three musketeers. Or maybe like Destiny's Child and Rachel is totally the Beyonce one and we're the other two who nobody remembers… shit that would totally piss Kurt off… I gotta remember…"

"Focus," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh right, sorry. So anyway people expect us to be with her. I mean, I'm sure they know you two are here cause Hudson had that pre-shindig last night and probably drug your name straight through the mud," I said, taking a drink of coffee. "Shit, I kinda would've liked to have been there. Him telling everyone about you kicking his ass without really kicking his ass… Oh damn, he probably left that out. I wish I'd brought my phone outside yesterday…"

She grabbed my hand, which I'd apparently been gesturing with. "Jesus. You're actually really nervous."

I shook her off. "Fuck yeah, Fabray. Of course I'm nervous. I don't wanna see these douches. And I sure the shit don't wanna talk about…" Holy fuck. I put my hand over my mouth.

She frowned. "…of course you don't. None of you do. And you shouldn't have to." She patted my arm. "Look, you and me… we don't hate each other, right?"

I smirked. "There your ass goes making assumptions…"

She rolled her eyes. "I think Finn will think I've gone all Protecto Quinn and be hovering all over Rachel."

"Protecto? Really?"

"Can you please focus?" She asked.

I nodded. "Continue…"

"Okay, so together, you and me, we're terrifying. At least we used to be." She mused.

She had my attention. "Okay…"

"So, we slip back into it. It's not hard. HBIC. Times two. That leaves Britt to take care of Rach, which we both know she'd be doing anyway and a damn fine better job than us. Kurt can stay close as well. Puck's in my back pocket and we can scare the rest of them into submission. Rach gets upset, B can spirit her out and you and I can lay the smackdown." She smiled at herself. "Verbally of course."

I couldn't help but kinda like her a lot right now. "I can play bitch. It's an easy roll to slip into."

She rolled her eyes again. "Right. Play. Keep telling yourself that, Lopez." She moved to put her coffee cup in the dishwasher. "Oh fuck," she turned around suddenly. "What about Schuester?"

I groaned. "Fuck me."

* * *

When H and Judy got back, Q and I were putting away the dishes. Plotting. We shut the fuck up when they walked in.

"Leroy not back yet?" Hiram asked, setting a bag on the counter.

Judy was more intuitive. "What are you two doing? Where's Rachel? And Brittany? Are you planning something?"

Shit that woman had gotten perceptive. We both shook our heads.

"Nope," I said, way too fucking brightly.

"No," Quinn offered at the same time.

They both eyed us.

We shrugged.

"We think it best if we sit this one out, girls." Hiram said, looking at Judy. "We can stay up here but…"

Judy nodded, saving him. "We don't wanna intrude."

Q shook her head. "You're totally bailing." She observed. "Wow."

"That is not cool, H." I said, moving to stand by Quinn and mirroring her crossed arms.

He shook his head. "We aren't bailing. We'll be here. We just don't know these people that well. Well, most of them anyway. It would be awkward and I don't wanna see Rachel…"

Judy patted his arm and shot us both a look. We had the decency to look down.

"Mija," I heard from the doorway. "And Quinn Fabray."

I ran and hugged my mama. I'd just seen her yesterday but… "Where have you been?"

"Here and there," she muttered, hugging me back. She turned to Q. "You look the same." She smiled at Judy. "Good genes."

Judy shrugged. "My side of the family."

Leroy laughed. "And modesty to boot." He looked at me. "Where's Rachel?"

I sighed. "Upstairs with Britt and Kurt. I don't know what they're doing."

"If they had any sense they're building a sheet ladder and escaping," Q offered, helping Judy put the groceries away. Her mother smacked her arm.

My mama moved to help them. "You're worried?" She asked me.

I sighed. "You could say that." I turned to Leroy. "Think I should give her…"

Mama scowled. "You cannot drug this away, mija."

Leroy frowned. "She's not trying to, Maribel. I think Rachel may need it."

She scoffed and made eye contact with H. I rolled my eyes. I loved how they made me feel twelve. I was a freaking surgeon for god's sake. "What I don't want is a freakout. Britt can help, but… the last thing we need is a panic attack sneaking up on us and… shit, we haven't seen these people in years. She can't afford to…" I shook my head. I couldn't even fucking focus.

I felt my mami's hand on my arm. "You seem to be panicking yourself. Calm down. It's only one night. You can get through it. If you think she wants the… medicine," she spat out. "Then give her the medicine. Just no drinking too."

I rolled my eyes because she forgot that I was doctor more than anybody. "I know that," I whined.

"I'm just reminding you," she smiled.

"Why don't you girls go upstairs?" Leroy asked. "We've got this covered. And Carol and Burt are coming by later. Leave the old people to do their thing."

Q was wringing her hands as much as I was. I think we were making them nervous.

Judy nodded. "Go. Watch a movie or whatever. Relax."

H was nodding beside her.

"They're kicking us out," I muttered.

She frowned. "Noticed."

I shrugged and followed her out.

* * *

Rachel, B, and Kurt were lying on their stomachs on Rachel's floor playing Trivial Pursuit when we walked in.

I eyed Q. "We've been freaking out and they're…"

"Yep," she muttered, following me in the room.

"Who's winning?" I asked, sitting between Kurt and Brittany.

"Definitely Brittany," Kurt frowned dramatically.

"Props, B," I smiled. My girl was a whiz at some damn trivia. They should have known better.

Q laughed and sat down beside Rachel. "I should've warned you."

Rachel smiled at her. "Oh, I figured she'd win. It's more fun watching Kurt try to answer the sports question." She laughed.

It sounded like fucking music when she laughed. It was always a long time between them. For that reason I prayed that he rolled a sports question when he picked up the dice.

Kurt rolled. "Oh my god, the universe is out to destroy me." I noticed his pie had no pieces in it.

"Sports!" B squealed. "I'm beginning to think you're right."

Rachel smirked and drew a card. "Okay - How many minor league homeruns did Babe Ruth hit?" She was giggling before she was finished.

I snickered. "I'll eat that card if he gets it right."

B raised her hand. "Oh! I know! I know!" She was bouncing up and down.

Kurt grimaced. "Of course you do. But I don't," he whined and laid his head on his hands. "I don't know. Let's say six million."

Q and I shared a glance.

Six million was the worst answer ever. "That really what you're going with?" I asked him.

Quinn nodded. "Yeah, I mean statistically that's an impossibility."

Rachel smacked her leg. "No helping."

He sighed dramatically. "Whatever. Six. He hit six."

"Nope," Rachel said. She waved the card at Brittany. "Would you like to take this one?"

"Yep," she said, excitedly. "One!"

Rachel smiled at her. "Right again. My go." She rolled the dice. "Brown." She handed Brittany a card so she could read the question.

"Okay, so - What actress caused a sensation when she played Fanny Brice in the 1964 musical _Funny Girl_?" She looked at Rachel with a complete straight face.

Quinn laughed out loud, even while Kurt moaned and grabbed the card.

"There is absolutely no way that is the question," he said, before reading it and chucking it on the board. "Oh whatever!"

"Barbra Streisand," Rachel squealed happily. "I get to go again." She landed on brown.

Q raised her eyebrow. "You get this right and you get a piece."

Rachel's pie was noticeably missing any pieces too. Brittany only had green to go.

"Okay," Brittany said, drawing another card. " What are the names of the three daughters in Shakespeare's _King Lear_?"

Rachel brightened. "Oh I know this. Cordelia. Regan and…" She faltered. "Crap. I read that stupid play in high school…" She was too damn cute when she scrunched up her face.

Q was wincing beside her. I tapped Kurt on the shoulder. When he turned to me, Quinn bent down quickly and whispered in Rachel's ear.

"Goneril!" She squealed.

He spun around. "Oh. My. God. You totally cheated. You just cheated. You cannot ask an English professor. That is not fair." He threw the card at her. "Cheater." He was laughing though.

She threw it back. "I would've remembered anyway." She gave him a run for his money in the dramatic pouting arena.

Brittany laughed with them. "You called it stupid. You should've seen Q's face. She was like actually cringing."

Rachel sat up and crossed her arms. "I won. My go."

Kurt rolled his eyes, even when Q smacked him lightly on the back of the head. "Okay, fine. You're go."

* * *

They played until Brittany won her last piece. Rachel popped up and grabbed a tiara from the top of her closet and placed it on B's head.

Q and I quirked our eyebrows. I was just impressed she could actually reach the top of her closet.

Britt settled the crown on top of her head. "This was the prize. The crown. Whoever won gets to wear it through the next game."

"Next game?" Quinn asked.

"Pictionary," Britt smiled. "And you're both playing if you're staying up here." She smiled when Rachel sat beside her. "Me and Kurt and Rachel against you and San."

We both groaned. "How the hell did you decide that?" I asked.

"It makes perfect sense," Brittany answered.

The other two nodded agreement.

It was like arguing with a wall. Three walls actually.

I rolled my eyes at Quinn. Whatever. "We gots this," I said, winking.

* * *

An hour later and Q and I were about to come to blows.

"How the hell could you guess 'spider web'?" She asked. "This is obviously an airplane. Are you slow? There's clouds. And wings. People sitting on the fucking plane. Oh my god. You're the worst Pictionary player ever. If they gave out awards for the worst Pictionary player on the planet, you'd win it ever freaking year." She stomped around like a five year old and crossed her angry little arms.

I jumped up. "If that's an airplane, it's full of fucking spiders!" I yelled. "It's a spider plane!"

She threw the pencil at me. "What the holy hell is a spider plane? You're a dumbass."

I gestured to the picture dramatically. "That. That right there is a spider plane! When you drew it, I thought to myself, 'self, there's no way she drew a spider plane card because that's absolutely ridiculous. So it would have to be a spider web, because that is obviously where spiders live." I pointed at the picture she'd drawn. "And those are spiders. Because people… people who'd normally ride a plane… people have two arms. Those things, they have six."

She rolled her eyes. "Spiders have eight fucking legs!"

"So? Like I figured you'd know that. You're the one that thinks they travel by plane!" I threw the pencil back at her. "And you're the dumbass," I muttered.

"Our turn," Rachel cried, jumping up and grabbing a card.

Kurt took the card and showed us. 'Jet lag.' Great, maybe he can use Q's giant plane full of fucking spiders as a jumping off point. Airplane. Jesus Christ. She was pouting like she'd just painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel or some shit.

I smirked at her then. At least we still had a shot. Now way could his ass draw 'jet lag.'

Two lines and one circle later, and Brittany and Rachel both jumped up at the same time. "Jet Lag!" They both yelled.

"Oh my god," Q moaned. "You've got to be kidding me." She scowled at me. "You're the worst partner ever."

I rolled my eyes at her. "How in god's name is that supposed to be jet lag? Is it a tired spider?" I turned my head sideways. "Maybe I'm missing it."

"I can draw, Lopez. You just can't see." She growled.

"There are a shitload of patients out there with new hearts that would tend to disagree," I smiled, knowing I'd won that round. I turned to the winning team. "Are you asses gonna share that crown with each other now since I had to partner with Leonardo da Vinci over here?"

"It's a fucking airplane!" She yelled back.

I threw a pillow at her. She chucked it back.

Brittany laughed and tackled me before I could hit Q with the pillow again. "Nope. We get a victory dance. You have to watch."

Kurt squealed. "Rachel totally knows the _Single Ladies_ Dance."

She smiled at us. "I do. We just don't have black leotards. So we're doing it in our pajamas." She looked at Q. "Do you think that will be okay? Pajamas?" She asked it like it was legit question.

Q smiled at her like a big giant doofus. "Of course."

"Of course," I singsonged beside her.

She smacked me in the back of the head with the pillow again. I would've hit her back but it totally made Rachel laugh.

So I just rolled my eyes. "How the hell do you guys remember a dance from high school?"

Brittany looked confused. "I do that dance all the time. It's good practice."

Kurt smiled. "And Rachel and I used to do it nightly. Like the last time was when… six months ago?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I think so."

I shook my head. I knew they weren't kidding. "Carry on," I waved with my hand.

Kurt squealed and plugged his phone into some speakers that were in the bedroom.

Because they won they got to do the entire routine. Because we lost, they made us watch it twice.

We groaned, but we weren't really complaining.

I realized after the second round of dancing, just what B was doing. I got that I was slow sometimes when it came to epiphanies and Brittany Pierce. She'd effectively taken Rachel's mind off of everything.

I wanted to hug her and never let her go.

I caught Q's eye. She smiled at me. She got it too. She glanced quickly over at the clock even as they were looking for a new song. It was noon. She raised her eyebrow at me, and frowned. I nodded.

They'd be here in three hours.

She nodded back softly and sat back against the bed beside me. We decided to just let them dance.

I bumped her shoulder when they weren't looking. "We gots this," I whispered quietly.

She smiled back. "We do." She murmured quietly.

"Fucking airplane," I muttered, shaking my head.

She bumped my shoulder back, but I could see her smiling out of the corner of my eye.

It was nice to have an ally. Even one who didn't know the difference between passengers on a plane and motherfucking arachnids.

* * *

**So I hope you guys like. Sorry I haven't answered reviews from Chapter 10. I'll get around to that tomorrow.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing.**

**All mistakes are mine. Obviously. **


	12. Chapter 12

**So I switch back and forth POV in this chapter. I just italicized the first sentence for each speaker so it's easier. It's not difficult, but... just making sure.**

* * *

Chapter 12

_We started getting ready about one o'clock_. Brittany and Rachel still needed a shower. I was putting on my makeup when Q walked in a few minutes later, already pacing. She was wearing jeans, a black sleeveless lace top, and black heels.

"You clean up well," I muttered, leaning over and applying my eyeliner.

"So do you," she countered.

I'd gone with white jeans, a gray top, and gray slouch boots. They gave me like three inches. I turned around and looked at Q. Her shoes gave her about two. Height advantage and all.

"I only own two dresses. One is black. And the other is not casual," I told her. "And I didn't bring fucking either. At least we know where my mama and Leroy went today."

"I am never wearing a dress again," Quinn smiled. "Apparently my mother gave her my size too." She noticed the bag on the bed. "Did she get Brittany something?"

"Yep. And Rachel. Britt's got a skirt. I think Kurt drew pictures or something."

Quinn smiled and sat down on the bed. "Well whoever's idea it was, I could kiss them. I didn't even think about what I was gonna wear till this morning." She opened the compact I'd just noticed she was holding and applied lipstick. "Rachel's dress was really soft yellow. Kinda short, but… pretty." She had the wistful look of a dumbass teenage boy. "It'll look good on her."

I didn't doubt that. "I bet it will. Mama said we needed to look easy-going. And Rach needed to be bright." I caught her eye in the mirror. "I think everybody been plotting up in here."

She grimaced. "Your grammar astounds and disturbs me on occasion." She stood up. "I think they're about ready," she groaned, looking at her phone. "It's almost two thirty."

I frowned and groaned with her. "Let's head downstairs and wait. Maybe we can start with that running interference now." I rummaged through by medical bag.

"What are you doing?" She asked, crossing her arms.

"Give Rachel what she needs… if she needs it." I answered.

"Is it gonna make her a zombie for seven hours like the other one?" She asked me.

"No. But… it'll calm her down. I'm putting it in my pocket in case." I turned to her. "Look, I'm not all pro-drug or anything. But sometimes she needs them." And shit, if she ever needed them, tonight would the night.

She sighed but nodded. "We do our job, she won't need it."

Keep telling yourself that, Fabray, I thought.

* * *

Our parents were noticeably absent when we got downstairs. Kurt was sitting on the couch. "They're out back by the pool. Hiding. And drinking. They're drinking a lot."

Of course they were. Fuckers.

"Where's Rachel?" Q asked.

"Brittany's teaching her some type of breathing mojo that I think she totally just made up on the spot." He waved his hand around. "But whatever. It's working. They're in Rach's bedroom." He eyed us. "Mami did well, huh?"

I smirked. "You give her a list?"

"I might have. With detailed photographs, drawings, and the address of a few stores that sell couture around here." He smiled at himself. "I was going for casual. Bright. Airy. I'm a genius really," he smiled to himself. "I almost wanna put a sign on the door. 'Meet us Downstairs.' Cause I am. Freaking. Out." And he totally was. "I forgot about Artie. How are we gonna get him down the stairs?"

"There's a backdoor," Q answered.

"And what about…" he stood up and started pacing. "Oh my god. I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm not ready for this."

I sat down in front of him. "Blaine?" I frowned.

He nodded. "And everybody else. I just can't believe…" He didn't finish cause Hudson and Kara walked in.

"Hope we aren't intruding?" She asked sweetly.

"Of course not," Kurt answered.

I nodded my agreement. Q crossed her arms and nodded once. HBIC in action. I took her arm. "Okay. So Q and I are gonna head downstairs. You three stay here and send everyone down or whatever when they get here." I cocked my eyebrow at Kurt. He knew the plan.

"Where's Rachel?" Finn asked, ignoring Q and asking me instead.

"Upstairs," I answered. "She'll come down when and if she's ready." I kept my voice level. To Quinn's credit, she kept her mouth shut too.

I dragged her downstairs to the basement. "Our fucking parents. I cannot believe they're hiding in the backyard like a bunch of chickenshits."

She was trying to control her breathing. She was already pissed. This was not good. "I know…" She was staring at the staircase.

I grabbed her arm. "We talked about this bullshit. We got a plan. You know the drill. Stay away from Hudson, Q. Shit. It ain't goddamn rocket science."

She nodded. "I'll be good, Santana. But if he pulls a dick move all bets are off."

Fair. "Okay,' I relented. "That seems reasonable."

She put her hands in her back pockets. "What the hell are we supposed to do?" She rocked back on her heels.

I was about to suggest we pour a fucking drink.

"Hello," a female voice called down the stairs before I could answer her.

"Showtime," she muttered, plastering on the realest fake smile I'd ever fucking seen. I tried to match it. Figured mine was more of a snarl. Couldn't ask for miracles.

* * *

_I_ _glanced at the clock nervously._ It was three fifteen. The doorbell had been ringing for the last fifteen minutes. I could hear Kara and numerous other voices that I thought it best not to try and distinguish.

I was sitting cross-legged on the bed with Brittany across from me. We'd been making up new breathing exercises for thirty minutes. It was actually somewhat distracting.

"I have to go down there, don't I?" I whispered.

She shook her head. "No. You don't have to do anything. This isn't a cocktail party. Me and you can stay up here all night and watch movies and cuddle if you want."

I smiled at her. She was really good at making me feel better. "That would probably make Quinn and Santana angry. The cuddling, I mean. Not the staying in here. I don't think they'd care too much about that."

She shrugged as if to say, so what. "They like to pretend they're adults. They'll get over it."

"I forgot about Blaine. I'm worried about Kurt. He's been such a trooper and he has to…" I closed my eyes. "Do you think they'll expect me to talk about her? I don't know what to say…"

"I think people will just say they're sorry and stuff. That's the only thing they do know how to say." She patted me on the leg. "What else are you worried about? I mean I know that's gonna be hard, but what else is there?"

I sighed. That was a difficult question. "I'm worried about a lot of things. What if they're here just to see me… I don't know… fail? Or break down? What if I freak out? I don't want to cry in front of them…" I looked away. "I'm worried about Santana. And Kurt." I turned back to face her. "And Quinn."

"Well, I know you're worried. It's okay. But really, the only thing you can control is you. They're big girls. Well… Kurt's not technically a girl," she giggled. "You know what I mean. They can take care of themselves. And I'll take care of you." She stood up. "Wanna go down now?" She held out her hand and waited for me to take it.

I paused for a moment. I wasn't sure I was ready. But I took her hand anyway. "Don't leave me, Brittany." I whispered.

She squeezed my palm in hers. "Not gonna."

I was so glad she was here.

When we got to the door leading to the basement, I could hear voices and soft music playing. I hesitated at the top of the steps until I felt Brittany's hand on my back.

I turned around to see her smiling at me.

That was enough to give me the courage to walk down.

* * *

"Hi everybody," Brittany said brightly when we got to the bottom of the steps.

We were met with a chorus of greetings. I scanned the room quickly.

Kara was standing next to Finn and talking to Tina and Blaine. Sam was standing with Mercedes and Kurt. Santana was sitting down next to Mike and Artie. Quinn and Noah were not in the room. I looked around quickly for them, but didn't see them.

I tried smiling even as Blaine walked over and hugged me. "Rachel, it's so good to see you." He seemed genuine.

"You too," I said quietly.

I looked around the room again, even while everyone was staring at me. "Where's Quinn?" I mouthed to Santana.

She shrugged and nodded towards the backdoor.

I took a very deep breath and felt Brittany's hand on the small of my back. "Breathe," she whispered very quietly in my ear.

"Rachel," someone else said, but I couldn't tell you who. I was feeling dizzy.

Santana noticed and stood up. I shook my head at her.

Brittany and I had spoken about what I would say. She said it might be easier if I just sort of addressed the room, but I'd argued with her at the time. I realized now… while everyone was staring at me, that she was right. No one was really going to speak until I said… did something. So me talking was probably a better idea than vomiting, which was definitely another way we could have gone.

I turned quietly and put my back to the room so I could whisper to Brittany. "I think you were right, about me maybe speaking?"

She nodded. "Hey guys, Rachel and I talked and she wants to say something. Is that okay with everyone?"

They all nodded and voiced their agreement. I looked to the backdoor to see if Quinn and Noah were back, but I didn't see them.

I cleared my throat. I could feel Brittany behind me. That helped. "I… I uh…" I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath. I heard someone move and knew it was Santana. I shook my head and held up my hands when I opened my eyes. "I'm good," I told her, smiling as much as I can.

She nodded and sat back down.

I looked around the room. "Normally, I'd have a speech prepared. I mean, I _am_ Rachel Berry." I smiled so that they knew they could smile too.

It worked. For the most part. My friends were frowning.

I shrugged it off. "I just want to thank you for coming first of all. I know it was short notice so it really means a lot that everyone is here." I tried to make eye contact with everyone separately as I spoke. "While we were getting ready earlier, I asked Brittany what she thought I should say. She said to be honest. I told her maybe honesty wasn't always the best policy," I smiled, turning to her.

"I told her that honesty and impoliteness were two different things. She's not S," she giggled, winking at Santana.

Even though Santana rolled her eyes dramatically, I could tell she was thankful when everyone laughed. She winked back at Brittany.

I turned back around. "So, I'm going to be honest. It's a little strange seeing everyone again. It's been a long time and for most of it, high school was something I tried very hard to forget."

I noticed everyone looking away then. "Not for the reasons you think," I hurried. "I don't mean that. Looking back, I know I was bit, uh…" I looked to Santana for help.

She scrunched up her face. "Determined," she supplied, smiling.

"Determined," I echoed. "I wasn't the easiest person to get along with. And it wasn't really till senior year that I realized that. Still, high school was that thing I was uh… determined… to put it behind me. Not because of any of you, but because of me. I had this plan. It was just the first step. No one can argue that my determination didn't pay off, I suppose, but not really in the way I'd expected, maybe?"

I wasn't sure why I was asking a question. No one was speaking but they were all watching me. I'd accepted major awards on national television with grace and aplomb but put me in front of ten people I went to high school with and I was choking like a little girl in argyle.

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. I just wanted to finish speaking. Brittany led me to a chair close by and I sat down. I smiled up at her. I looked around behind me but Quinn was still gone.

"Thank you," I whispered softly. I smiled at the rest of the room. "This is hard. I've been very blessed. I achieved what I set out to do. And more," I looked down. I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes.

"Rachel," Tina said softly. "You really don't have to do this. We just wanted to see you."

I shook my head but couldn't look up.

"Tina's right," Artie echoed. "There's no reason for you to be upset."

I swallowed and looked up. I decided to channel Quinn and keep my tears at bay. "No. I want to say it. I think I need to say it." I caught their eyes. "If that's okay?"

"Sure," Mercedes answered.

I noticed she was crying and found Mike Chang's eyes instead. He smiled kindly at me. Brittany pulled a chair up beside me and patted me on the knee.

"When Kara said this was supposed to be a memorial service, I got very scared. I didn't want to hear people talk about Eliza and what a gift she was. Or how her life was cut short. I already know all of that." I shook my head. "I know that many of you are parents and you understand that too. Children are often a surprise, but they're really the best kind, huh?"

Most of them nodded.

"She was just a little girl. That's all. A little girl that I loved more than anything in this world. I had absolutely no idea that I could love someone that much. It didn't seem possible. The day of the funeral I was a mess. I couldn't function or think. I had to be medicated," I whispered. I looked down again. "I wanted to speak that day but I was afraid of even talking. Afraid my voice wouldn't work. I've never ever been afraid of that." I looked back up. "So I thought maybe I could do that today. If you could give me a few minutes of your time, maybe I could just say it to all of you instead?" I caught Santana's eyes but she quickly looked away.

"I think that's a good idea, Rachel." Tina smiled. Kara nodded beside her.

"Okay," I whispered standing up and moving to the front of the room. The stage was to my back but I didn't step up. I walked over and took a photograph off the back wall. It had been moved since Lizzie died.

"This was my daughter. Eliza Patricia Berry. We called her Lizzie," I smiled at Kurt. Santana was still looking away from everyone. I held the picture up so they could see her before handing it to Brittany. "When she was born she weighed six pounds and four ounces and she was twenty inches long. She fit perfectly in my arms. She smiled at me for the first time, really smiled, when she was five months old. I was in New York and it had been a really long day. Santana and Kurt were there when I got home. They'd sent the nanny home and were cooking dinner. Remember?" I asked them.

I didn't venture a glance at her, but he smiled and wiped his eyes. "Yes," he whispered. "When you opened the door you said, 'Lizzie baby, I am over Broadway,' and she lit up like a little Christmas tree."

I nodded back to him. "I think even before she walked she realized her mother was a bit on the… dramatic side."

Mercedes giggled. "She sounds like she was a smart girl."

I nodded back, thankful. "She was. She walked at nine and a half months. This summer Santana taught her how to swim."

I saw Santana's shoulders heave, and Mike put his arm around her.

I continued. "Her voice was honestly the reason I existed. It purred. When she'd say mommy or Tana or Kurt, I melted. When she hugged me, I knew there was a God." I frowned. "It all sounds overly dramatic out loud, but it doesn't make it less true. I took a lot of things in my life for granted. Including many of the people in this room, but I knew from the moment she was born she was special. I don't think I'm saying anything any mother or father wouldn't say, but I wanted to say it anyway."

Finn nodded. I smiled at him.

"There are certain things in life we expect to happen. I know death is definitely one of those things. I know that realistically people die. And even before I got pregnant, I knew that life wasn't the sunshine and roses I thought it was as a child. I just never expected to outlive the love of my life. It honestly doesn't seem fair. I've had a very hard time the last few weeks understanding it. I don't think I'll ever accept it. I don't feel very real anymore. I take comfort maybe in the fact that I got the chance, even if it was only for a few years, to love her. I know that you don't know what to say and I tried very hard earlier to put myself in all of your places. I wouldn't know what to say either. I know that you are all sympathetic and that you're sorry. So I'm saying thank you for that. Without you having to say it. Thank you for coming to see me and thank you for caring about me."

I closed my eyes. "Someone gave me something yesterday. A music box. It was a gift I should've opened years ago, but things happened and…" I looked down. "Inside the box there was a tiny little ballerina. Do you remember those?"

The women in the room, save Santana who wouldn't look up, nodded. "When you turn the key on the back, she dances. I fought really hard with myself the last few weeks about whether or not a fair or just God would take a child from me. Would take something pure and innocent away from this earth and leave so much hate and ugliness behind. It didn't seem very fair or just." I swallowed. "But today Brittany, Kurt, and I danced. I haven't danced in weeks. I haven't even really listened to music," I frowned. "And today, I remembered that Eliza loved to dance. I took her to dance lessons, even at two, twice a week, just so she could run around with the other children and giggle and dance to the music. When we were at home, on a plane, outside… wherever… whenever she heard music she would dance. She'd twirl around and say 'Ballewina' in that angel's voice. I'd forgotten that. The little ballerina reminded me. I realized then that there's obviously a heaven. At least for children. And I know that she's dancing. And that's a small conciliation at least. I can survive if I know that somewhere, she still exists. Somewhere, she's happy." I choked. "So that's all I have to say really. Thank you very much for letting me say it."

I felt the tears roll down my cheeks even as Brittany pulled me into a hug. I didn't mean to make everyone else cry, but I could hear sniffling. When I pulled away I noticed Santana was crying openly.

And Quinn and Noah were standing on the last few steps of the staircase. By the looks on their faces, they'd been there for a while. Quinn had tears in her eyes.

I couldn't decide whom to go to for a brief second.

In the end, I choose Santana. There was no way I couldn't.

* * *

She swallowed roughly when I walked over to her instead of Quinn. "Love you," I whispered in her hair.

"Love you more," She whispered back. She pulled away finally and tried to smile. "I cannot believe you just did that, Berry. I'm so fucking proud of you."

I kissed her cheek. "I needed to."

She kissed mine back. "I knew there was a story behind that damn music box. You aren't getting out of telling me about it," She whispered.

I smiled. "Okay. I can live with that."

I noticed Quinn standing on the steps still, biting her lip. Noah was standing behind her, his hand on her shoulder.

"Mike Chang," Brittany said, sitting down on the other side of me. She hugged him. "Hey," she smiled at Artie as well. "Go," she whispered to me.

I nodded and walked over to the staircase. Everyone was at least talking again.

"Noah," I said, as they both stepped down and into the room. I smiled softly at Quinn.

"Rachel Berry," he said. He picked me up and twirled me around in a hug. "I have missed the hell out of you."

I giggled and kissed his cheek. "I've missed you too."

He hugged me again. "Don't even do that again. You're not allowed to go this long without seeing me. Seriously."

"I'm very sorry, Noah. I promise I will do a better job of keeping in touch." I winked at him.

Quinn put her hand on my shoulder for a second. She was frowning and seemed to want to say something, but her face told me that she couldn't decide what that something was.

I smiled at her. "I'm okay," I said.

She nodded. She had tears in her eyes. She was wringing her hands. I knew she was close to crying.

I kissed her on the cheek. "I'm fine," I said.

"Okay," she finally whispered. She nodded to Noah and walked off to find Santana.

I took the chance to whisper to him. "Where did you go earlier?"

He frowned at me. "Q's trying to be good. Finn kinda baited her earlier. She walked out and I followed. You oughta be proud of that cause…" He didn't finish.

I nodded. I was proud of her. She was really trying and that meant a lot. "Did you guys hear everything?" I whispered.

He nodded. "Yeah. We were coming down when you first start talking. She just kinda sat down on the steps. I sat down behind her." He chanced a glance at her. I followed his gaze. She was frowning at him but I knew she couldn't hear us. He bent down so he could whisper in my ear. "I'm sorry for everything. I hope you can find some happiness after all of this." He pulled me to him again. There was always something about him that was just… good. I liked that he hadn't lost that.

I let him hold me. It felt nice. "You're a good person," I whispered.

"I wouldn't let Schue come," he said in my ear. "Q called me and said keep his ass away. I kinda went to his house and scared him." He pulled back. "Sorry."

I sighed. "Thank you. I'd forgotten about him. But I definitely didn't want you guys to break into song and he'd probably…"

He nodded. "Yep. He and Hudson had already planned it. Dumbasses," he muttered.

"Wanna mingle?" He asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Go with me?"

"Sure, Rach." He smiled at me.

* * *

_Puckerman was all about hogging Rachel, but she was smiling so I decided to fight the roll of my eyes. _I turned to find Kurt instead. He was huddled in the corner talking to Blaine. It made me helluva nervous, but I decided to ignore it. I was nervous about a lot of shit right now.

I looked at Q instead. She was sitting next to me in the seat Brittany had vacated earlier. B was working the room like a hostess, and she was never more than a few feet away from Rachel. She was really good at the bodyguard thing.

"You know," I said. "If Britt ever decides to forgo dancing she'd have a job as bodyguard. She's like an expert at that."

Q hummed her agreement.

I eyed her. "Props on earlier. I thought you were gonna slug him."

She made eye contact with me then. "He's a giant idiot. But I said I wouldn't. He keeps it up though, and please tell me I can at least make him feel stupid?"

"You asking for permission now?" I muttered.

"Back up," she clarified.

"Times two. I gotcha back," I answered.

Hudson had come down the stairs after everyone had gotten here earlier. He didn't say anything at first, but then Mercedes asked Q how she was doing. Before she could answer he was rolling his eyes and scoffing.

"Oh I'm sure she's doing fine. She's right in the middle of everything," he'd announced to the room.

No one said shit. Everyone just looked at her. Kurt and I just held our breath. But she'd just turned heel and walked the fuck out. She didn't even acknowledge him. I thought about following but I couldn't leave. Puck saved me.

"Got this," he said and went to find her.

"You okay?" She finally asked me.

"I'm proud of her. It just hurt to hear and shit." I didn't have anything else to say.

She nodded. She was watching Rachel. Kara and Tina were standing on the other side of the room with her and Brittany and Mercedes. Brittany was telling a story about something cause she was gesturing with her arms. The rest of them were laughing. Even Rachel. I breathed out in relief. I hadn't forgotten what the hell Kurt was doing in the corner over there, but at least Rachel was okay.

Puck walked over and handed us both a drink. We'd gone back and forth earlier about providing alcohol or not. The pros outweighed the fucking cons on that one and we decided what the hell.

"Thanks," I muttered.

Q took hers as well and nodded.

"No prob," he said. He turned and went to help Mike and Artie fix some more drinks.

"Is Evans married?" I asked her. He was talking to Hudson. They kept cutting their eyes at us conspiratorially. I hadn't missed Q watching them.

"Huh?" She asked, still staring.

"Married? Sam?"

She looked at me. "Yeah. He said he got married last year? Everybody here is married actually. Except the five of us," she noted. "But four of us are gay."

I laughed. "Rachel's not eaxactly straight, Q."

She spun her head around so fast I was worried she'd broken her neck. "What?" She hissed out.

I raised my eyebrow at her. "Did you think she was?" I smirked. "What did I tell you about assumptions?"

Several emotions crossed her face. Surprise. Hope. Anger. "Was she seeing someone?" She finally asked.

I shrugged. "Not for a while. But yeah. She's had relationships. The last date she went on was with a woman. Someone in the business that had kids." I decided not to tell Q who. She'd have known her. Everyone knew her. They just didn't know she was gay. One of the reasons I fucking hated Hollywood. It was easier in New York. Broadway didn't give a shit.

She turned away from me. I watched her shoulders tense.

"Does that make you jealous?" I asked. That actually wasn't my intention. For once.

She shook her head but didn't face me. "I don't know what it makes me feel."

I patted her on the knee. "You know we saw you one day at a fucking Whole Foods a few…"

She stopped me. "Rachel told me."

Okay. Wasn't expecting that. We'd pretended it wasn't her. She'd lied to me. I'd lied to her. "Kinda mad at myself that I didn't turn around…" I whispered.

She frowned at me. "Why?"

"What ifs and all that…" I shrugged. "Might not be sitting here right now. I knew she was afraid to see you. Knew why. And I knew you lived with B. Knew if you were to reappear, Britt would too. I was terrified of that. Of seeing her again." She was standing with Rachel. I liked how everyone was talking. Smiling. I didn't know why we doubted anything when Britt was around.

Quinn sighed. "Santana," she started. I could tell she was trying to think of what to say. "You can't…" she rubbed her forehead. "It was an accident," she whispered very quietly. "I wouldn't have been able to… you can't think like that."

I nodded.

"I love Rachel," she whispered. "You know that?"

I nodded again.

"Do you love Brittany?"

I closed my eyes and nodded once again very slowly.

She put her hand on my leg. "Look at me." I opened my eyes. She nodded back. "I'm glad you've been there for Rachel. I don't think she'd have made it without you. Not at least these last few weeks. But even before then. You're kind of her guardian."

I blinked away my stupid fucking tears. "Thanks for taking care of B." I finally said.

She smiled. "Brittany's definitely the savior."

I looked over at both of them. Rachel winked at us. So did B. They were fairing a helluva lot better than we were at the moment.

"Rachel's the star," I answered.

She crinkled her face. "What the heck does that make me?"

I wiggled my eyebrow.

"Do. Not. Say. The. Crazy. One." She groaned.

"I wasn't, whore." I smacked her leg. "I was gonna say Head Bitch." I gestured to Hudson who was about to make an announcement, as he clinked a spoon against his glass. "Wanna slip back into that?" I asked.

"Fuck yeah," she whispered back.

Finn cleared his throat. "I wanna thank everyone for coming today." He said. He gestured towards the big ass television hanging on the wall. "I've got something I thought you all would like to see." It was the first time I'd noticed he was holding the remote.

Q coiled beside me. We both stood up. Rachel's face was on full terror mode. But when he pushed played, it was just a video of us singing at Nationals.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

Mike laughed. "You're an entire half beat off that whole first song, Finn."

I rolled my eyes secretly at Q. "Damn we were hot."

She nodded. "I'm dancing like a robot."

"You just had a major bleeping car accident. At least you're not dancing like Hudson."

She snickered. "I couldn't have pretended to be that bad."

I caught a glance at Rachel who was smiling. She always liked to see herself on camera. Hell, even at eighteen she was a freaking star. I closed my eyes and let myself smile too.

And then I heard a giggle I never thought I'd hear again.

* * *

_"Sing!" Lizzie clapped. "Pwease."_

_A few weeks earlier, Rachel had decided to celebrate Eliza's birthday at home, in Lima, with her family. She knew the birthday party was as much for them as it was for Lizzie. So she'd invited her friends' families. And Kara and Finn. Lucas was the only other child there. _

_Eliza didn't seem to mind. _

_She'd eaten cake and ran around the backyard happily with Luke. They'd sang Happy Birthday and opened gifts. Santana and Kurt had videoed everything. Everyone was about to leave when Lizzie requested her favorite song._

_"Sing Sunshine, Mommy." She turned to Kurt and Santana. "Pwease." She clapped her hands happily._

_One night, months earlier, Rachel had been humming the song as they sat in her living room after dinner. Before she knew it, Kurt and Santana were singing. She'd joined in. It had become Eliza's favorite thing in the world._

_Rachel grimaced playfully. "I don't know… Ask Aunt Tana…" She winked at Santana. _

_Eliza spun around and opened her big green eyes as wide as she could, looking up at Santana, a pout dancing on her mouth._

_Santana rolled her eyes. "Of course," she said, scooping Eliza up. She began singing, and Kurt and Rachel joined in._

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make me happy when skies are gray

you'll never know dear, how much I love you,

please don't take my sunshine away.

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,

I dreamed I held you in my arms,

but when I woke dear, I was mistaken,

and I hung my head and cried.

_Santana handed Eliza back to Rachel. She hugged the little girl and sat her down. She ran around dancing between their legs and clapping happily while they sang._

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make me happy when skies are gray

you'll never know dear, how much I love you,

please don't take my sunshine away.

I'll always love you and make you happy

if you will only say the same

but if you leave me to love another

you'll regret it all some day

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make me happy, when skies are gray,

you'll never know dear, how much I love you,

please don't take my sunshine away.

You told me once dear you really loved me

that no one else could come between

but now you've left me and love another

you have shattered all my dreams.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make me happy, when skies are gray,

you'll never know dear, how much I love you,

please don't take my sunshine away.

_No one even realized Finn was recording it. _

* * *

I should've checked on Rachel when I heard the first line of that fucking song. It was my voice. I hadn't forgotten about that day, but I hadn't thought about it.

"The last part was for you, Rach," Hudson beamed. Like a dumbass motherfucking…

Rachel was standing, wide-eyed, and crying. Not just quiet tears. Actual fucking sobs. I couldn't believe it. We had not watched a video of Eliza since… We couldn't even…

She ran out of the room. Brittany ran after her. I started to follow, because on the screen… he'd paused on Eliza's face and…

But then Quinn fucking growled.

It was a weird sound to be honest. She had tears in her eyes, in fact everyone in the room did, but now her eyes were just dangerous. "Bets off," she snarled, presumably at me, since I was the one who told her to back the fuck off of him in the first place.

I shrugged as she stepped into the center of the room. Fuck it. I couldn't breathe at the moment, and I couldn't stop staring at Eliza's face on the screen.

Kara finally turned the TV off.

"What did you expect to accomplish showing that?" Quinn asked in a somewhat calm voice. That was not a good voice. That voice meant bad shit was coming.

"She's allowed to see her daughter," Finn answered crossing his arms. "Or do you have her on some kind of leash now?"

"Not cool," Puck said. "Seriously dude."

Mercedes was nodding. "She didn't know you were gonna do that, Finn. What if that was your child? Do you think…" She closed her eyes and wiped at her cheek. "That was insensitive."

Kurt was sobbing. Blaine had his arm around him.

I noticed Tina was crying as well. Everyone else was kind of staring around either watching Q and Hudson or looking at the door Rach and Britt had ran out.

He looked at me. "Do you have something to say?"

"I'm gonna defer to Q on this one." I muttered. I was staring out the backdoor too. I hoped B could calm her down. I probably should go out there and…

"I'm sorry," Q said to Kara. That made me spin around. "I'm sorry I'm doing this in front of you. You seem like a nice person." She turned to Finn. "You, however, are a dumb fuck."

Puck stepped in between them. "Cool down, Q."

She pushed him out of the way with one arm as she stalked closer. "I'm not gonna touch you," she said to Finn when he flinched and backed up. "I could. And I don't give a shit who knows it. I could beat your ass. But I'll just let you simmer in the fact that you just Broke. Her. Heart." She was standing with both hands on her hips. Probably to keep herself from decking him. "Because you weren't thinking. Congratulations on being the biggest and dumbest asshole I've ever met." She walked over to me and stuck her hand in my pocket, pulling out the Xanax. "I knew this was fucking stupid idea," she muttered to herself. She turned her back on us. "I'm going to find Rachel. I suggest you all leave. And Hudson," she muttered, walking to the door, "You follow and I will break your face. That's not a threat. Because I always follow through." She said, opening the door and stepping out.

I let her go find Rachel. I couldn't deal with much of anything right now. I didn't even say good-bye. I just walked up the stairs. My mami was standing at the top of them. Judy was standing behind her, tears in her eyes. I figured they'd seen or at least heard everything.

I fell in my mother's arms and cried.

* * *

_No one was outside when I got there._ I guessed our parents had gone inside. I sat down on the end of one of the lounge chairs and tried to control my breathing.

Brittany squatted down beside me. "I'm sorry he did that."

I nodded, gasping.

"Do I need to get Santana?" She asked. I could tell by her face she was concerned.

I shook my head and tried to stop crying. I was close to hyperventilating. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think…

"Britt?" I heard Quinn ask. I couldn't turn around to look at her. I couldn't move.

"She can't breathe," Brittany answered, looking up at Quinn.

I felt her sit down behind me, straddling the chair. She put her hands around me and laid her palms on my chest. I could feel her chest pressed into my back. "Can you feel me breathing?" She asked softly.

I tried to concentrate. I nodded.

"Breathe, Rachel." Her chest rose and fell calmly. "That's it. Breathe."

I nodded as I felt my lungs expand. Brittany was rubbing small circles on my knees. Once my breathing settled, Quinn wrapped her arms around my waist and scooted in closer. She put her head on my shoulder.

"Better?" She whispered.

"I'm sorry," I finally answered.

I could feel her shaking her head and I watched Brittany shake hers as well. "You didn't do anything." Brittany said.

"You didn't hurt him, did you?" I asked.

I felt her shake her head again. I liked that she hadn't let me go. She was just holding me against her. "No. I told you I wouldn't. I wanted to though." She squeezed me.

"Where's San?" Brittany asked.

Quinn tensed. "Inside."

I noticed the concern cross Brittany's face. "Go. We're fine. I just don't want to go back…"

"I told them to leave," Quinn whispered.

Brittany nodded and walked off.

I took a really deep breath. "I wasn't expecting…" I felt my breath hitch.

"I don't think anyone was," She finally said. She leaned back slightly and brushed my hair off my shoulder before putting her head back. "Is this okay?" She whispered.

I nodded. I didn't trust my voice.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She finally asked.

I shook my head. "I don't think I can," I managed to say. "I just didn't know it would hurt that much… her voice. I can't remember it. I know it was adorable and I've tried but… I forgot what it really sounded like…" I put my hands over my face.

I felt her breath hitch. "Do you want this?" She asked. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a pill. She was holding it out in front of me.

"I had a drink," I whispered.

She closed her palm. "I don't think it'll matter. But if you don't need it, I'll put it back in my pocket. So you know it's there. Okay?"

I nodded. "He shouldn't have done that," I finally said.

"Well he's a fucking moron," she muttered.

"Why do you hate him?" I asked her quietly. I turned my head so I could see her. "I don't love him."

She looked away. "I'm a jealous bitch," she tried smiling.

"You're not a bitch," I whispered. "You're actually incredibly sweet."

She raised her eyebrow but still wouldn't look at me. "Sweet? Ha. That's kinda classic, Rachel. No one has called me sweet in a really long time." She was chewing her lip and staring towards the house.

I twisted around so I could half face her. I pressed my lips softly to hers. It was chaste and I knew it wasn't smart. I moved my lips gently over hers but she didn't kiss me back. I pecked her lips softly and pulled away. Her eyes were closed. I turned back around and faced the house. She pulled me against her again and wrapped her arms around me again.

She was breathing heavily and I could feel her chest rising and falling against my back, even as she settled her head back on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"For what?" She asked.

"For this," I said, turning and kissing her again.

Her lips moved with me this time but she never opened her mouth. When I opened mine, she gasped but didn't pull away. It was a sweet kiss and I was surprised when I felt her tongue run over the edge of my bottom lip before she softly slipped it inside. I had an incredible urge to deepen it and I fought the desire to actually pant. I turned fully around and felt her put her arms around me. She moaned softly when I scooted into her.

"You've got to be kidding me?" I heard.

We both pulled away.

She made brief eye contact with me and I watched her breathing even. "It's my turn to say I'm sorry," she whispered, standing up quickly.

"For what?" I asked.

She shook her head at me. All her softness was gone. "I told you, Hudson," she muttered, standing up.

"Quinn," I said. "Don't."

She pretended to not hear me and moved towards him.

He really should've backed up.

"Santana!" I screamed at the top of my lungs right before she swung.

* * *

**So I hope you guys like. Thank you so, so much for the reviews. They really help. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Since I was gently persuaded and it was already written...**

* * *

Chapter 13

Most of the people came upstairs a few minutes after me. I was hugging Tina bye when I heard Rachel scream my name.

No one would argue with me that Rachel wasn't dramatic… but that voice… I'm pretty sure that they heard her in Columbus. Brittany was walking up the stairs when it pierced the room.

"Santana!" Rachel yelled from the backyard.

Fuck me sideways. I did a quick glance of the room. Everyone had stopped. "Where's Hudson?" I asked.

Judy put her hand over mouth.

I took off back down the stairs and out the backdoor. I could feel the rest of them hot on my heels.

Here's the thing; I've seen fights. Who hasn't? I was expecting it. Q had been on edge and Hudson had been a big fucking tool. But when I found them…

She'd already knocked his ass down. They were actually rolling around on the ground. Rachel was standing about ten feet away, terrified.

"Santana!" Rachel screamed again. She put her hand over mouth.

I knew that everyone had followed us down the stairs. Puck reached Quinn before I could, and he was trying his damndest to pull her off Finn. Rachel's face was a mask of pure fear.

"Calm the fuck down, Q!" Puck screamed. He couldn't get ahold of her though. Quinn turned her head to look at him.

And then Hudson's dumbass went to swing back. Sam caught his arm. "Dude," he said, trying to pull him back. "Stop, man. What's wrong with you?" He was wrestling with him.

Kurt was screaming like a girl.

Rachel was crying.

I grabbed Quinn's other arm. She threw me off like a damn dishrag.

Brittany was watching. She had her arms around Rachel. Burt jumped in to hold Hudson back and Mike tried with Quinn.

"Get off me!" She yelled, lunging again. Mike went the same way I did. Puck was still trying.

Sam lost his grip and Finn caught her with his knee.

"Oh my god," Judy cried. Trying to grab her. "Quinnie stop!" She yelled. My mami grabbed her and pulled her back quickly.

I noticed Kara crying out of the corner of my eye. "Stop! Finn!" She screamed. 'Cedes and Tina were standing near her.

"Please stop," Rachel was crying. "Quinn, stop!"

It did give Q pause but not Hudson. He sprung again. She caught him across the cheek and knocked him into Evans. Puck tried to grab her but she was like a fucking fish out of water and he couldn't keep his hands on her. They both hit the damn ground again.

I grabbed for her arm. "Goddamnit, Fabray!" I yelled. As soon as I grabbed her, he dove sideways. It knocked me backwards. I was close to just punching her in the jaw. And then clawing his stupid eyes out.

But B stood up first. She had that 'way the fuck over it' face on. I hadn't seen that one in a while. I was a bit awed. She grabbed Q's hair and fucking threw her backwards like a ragdoll. When Finn lunged for the third time, Britt shoved him into Sam and Mike, who both grabbed an arm and hauled him up. Burt had his arms around his chest.

"Back off!" She yelled. She rarely raised her voice. She was turning back and forth between both of them. When Hudson growled, she shoved him in the chest again and he fell back into Burt. "I'm not kidding! Back! Off!"

Puck finally had Q around the waist but she was wriggling, trying to get free. I grabbed her arms and pulled them backwards. She was actually growling.

Rachel was standing with her fathers who looked like they couldn't believe what the hell was happening. Judy was crying and my mama was shaking her head. I'd noticed that Blaine led Kurt back inside with Artie. And Tina and Mercedes were holding Kara.

Britt was standing between the two of them. She had both of her arms up. "Take him upstairs," she said, authoritatively. "He might need to go to the doctor." I finally looked in his stupid face. His eye was swelling already and his nose was bleeding. She'd most likely broken it.

Mike and Sam nodded and dragged him off. Kara and the others followed.

For her part, Quinn was fighting Puck like a mad damn dog. She'd twisted out of my grip easily.

Brittany ignored everyone else, and grabbed both of Q's hands. I was momentarily afraid she was gonna get hurt, but she was strong enough to pull her hands down to her side. "Q!" Britt screamed.

Q's eyes were wild. She was shaking and kicking her legs at Puck.

And then B slapped her. We all heard it. It echoed in the silence that followed.

Rachel gasped.

Britt stepped back and looked Quinn in the eye. She'd stopped fighting. "No," Brittany said. "No more. You are scaring everybody." She looked at Puck. "Take her back inside and get some ice for her face," Britt said, completely in charge.

Puck moved to drag her but she was already feeling like a jackass. She held her head down and wouldn't look at anyone.

"Q, if you move from the spot he puts you in, I will not be happy." Brittany said to the back of her head. She looked at Judy. "Go with them, Judy. Okay?" Her voice was back to being soft and sweet.

Judy and my mami followed them inside.

Leroy was holding Rachel. Carol and Burt followed Finn and Kara inside earlier. Hiram had his hand over his mouth.

"Oh my god," he finally said.

Rachel fell into my arms. "I was afraid… she was going to… and then he said. She hit him but… he hit her back. I heard it…" She was sobbing. "He wanted her to… I could see his face… he…"

I was gonna kill fucking both of them. "Shh," I whispered in her hair. "I'm sorry."

"What happened?" Leroy asked.

She shook her head. "It was my fault. I… Quinn and I were… he came outside and he said something and she got up… and then he called her a…" she shook her head. She was still crying. "I thought she was going to stop. She swung but… he got out of the way. And then he said she didn't have a right to… and then he said that about Lizzie…" She looked away. "And that she was trying to take advantage…" She started sobbing. "It was my fault." She said again.

"It's not your fault," Hiram said.

I nodded. "It's their fault." I didn't elaborate. I wasn't sure exactly what he said to her or what he'd seen. But I could guess. I was kind proud she'd got the hits in she got. She was stupid as fuck to do it though.

Brittany finally spoke up. "Okay, so can I be in charge for minute?" It was a strange question but for some reason we all nodded. "Hiram will you go check and make sure Finn and everyone is gone. When they do come tell us so we can go inside." She looked at me. "Q needs to stay downstairs," she said pointedly.

Hiram nodded and walked back inside.

"Me and Leroy are taking Rachel inside when they're gone. We'll go around front so that she doesn't have to see anyone. I need you to go inside and make sure she stays put until we're upstairs. She needs to go. To her mom's or something. She's totally not gonna want to and she's gonna want to apologize but I don't care."

"Brittany," Rachel started. "She didn't…"

"Nope," Brittany said. "Q's like really really angry. And then she's gonna feel really really guilty. But she doesn't need to be here right now cause she's gonna mess up if she stays. Leroy can bring her bag down." She nodded towards the door. "Go tell her, okay?"

I nodded and hugged Rachel. "We should listen to her," I whispered.

She nodded back. "Okay," she said weakly.

"Q's got her pill but there's more in my bag if she…" I didn't finish.

Britt nodded. "It's fine. I'll find them. Make sure she's calm before she leaves and stay with her. She may be mad but she needs to chill out cause she is off the charts right now."

I swallowed. "Okay, B. You're in charge." I smiled at her. "Thank you," I whispered.

She smiled. "All good. I told you I'm Bodyguard Britt tonight," she said, sitting down and hugging Rachel.

* * *

When I got to the basement. Q was inside with her mom and mine. Puck was gone but I wasn't sure where. Hopefully he went to drag Hudson's ass out. My mama was making an ice pack and Judy was pacing. Quinn was looking away from them and shaking. She was still angry.

She made me look like a damn puppy dog in comparison. I'd never seen someone that angry before. It was almost physically rolling off her.

Nobody was talking.

"Okay, so here's the deal," I announced, catching their attention. "We're going to leave…."

Q's head spun around. "I'm not going anywhere," she muttered.

"San," my mami started.

"Hell no. She's leaving. Leroy's getting her bag. As soon as everyone's gone we are out."

Quinn shot up.

"Sit your stupid ass down," I said, stalking over to her.

"Fuck you," she growled.

"I mean it, Quinn Fabray. I don't wanna fight your ass but you look less than good right now and I could take you easily." I was probably making empty threats there but hell if they needed to know that.

"Santana," my mother gasped.

I ignored her. "Look I'm sure Hudson was a big dick. That fucking video…" I trailed off. Damn he was stupid. "But you can't just go around slugging every idiot that crosses your path. And you certainly can't fucking do it in front of Rachel, you dumbass."

She unclenched her fists and looked away from me then. Judy handed her an icepack. "Put this on your face," she said.

Q grabbed it from her like a petulant child.

"Quit disrespecting your mother." I added. "She just watched you go all psycho on a dude twice your size." I got closer to her. "I don't know what the fuck he said or what the fuck he saw, but unless he hit Rachel… you need to use your damn brain. Why don't you add napalm to a fucking forest fire, huh? You think today wasn't rough enough? You gotta go be all Crazy Q and make it worse?"

"He was wrong," she muttered. "I had Rachel calmed down. And then…" She trailed off.

All three of us studied her face.

"Who are you?" Judy whispered. "Are you always this angry?" She was frowning. "I feel like I don't even know…"

"Know me?" Quinn asked. "You don't know me? How could you know me, mom? You ignored everything about me until you couldn't anymore. I lied to you daily and you swallowed it like fucking sugar. You don't know me? Well bully you."

"Oh what, fucking ten years ago you had an existential crisis? Whoa… you're gay for Berry… we're all reeling back in shock." I rolled my eyes. "Who the fuck cares? Stop being a spoiled brat," I growled at her.

My mama put her hand on my shoulder.

"No," I said. "She. Fucked. Up. Years ago, you fucked up. Yay you. Are you deluded enough to think that that's a fucking excuse for the seriously mental issues you've got going on? Cause you are the angriest person I've ever met. And that's saying a lot."

"You didn't see her…" She trailed off.

"Huh?" I asked. "I didn't see what?"

"When he started that video… you didn't see her. She went from smiling to…" She choked up. "She was gagging, Santana. Sick. He made her physically sick. And he was fucking smiling like… god, I warned him. You heard me. I told him not to follow me. To leave. You heard me," she spat out.

I had to give her that. "You know he's a moron. Shit, that's not like breaking news."

She shook her head violently. "I don't give a fuck what he is. I had her calm." She said pointedly. "She was… okay. Not good, but okay. He called me a whore, you know? Whatever, I don't give a shit. But then he looked at her. He said, 'How would Lizzie feel about you kissing Quinn Fabray? The one person that tortured you all of your life? Think about your daughter. How disappointed would she be in you?' And I fucking decked him. And I'd do it again." She narrowed her eyes at me.

Wow. So Rachel hadn't told us that. He might as well have hit her as far as Q was concerned. Explained the psycho at least. Don't think I didn't miss the 'kissing Quinn Fabray' – something else I had to file away.

I noticed Judy doing the same thing.

"He said that?" My mami finally asked.

Q nodded, a bit deflated.

Judy sighed. "Well then he's a fool. But it still doesn't give you the right to…" She shook her head. "Look sweetie, I get you were angry but you've got to learn how to control it. It's not healthy. You aren't helping Rachel. You're hurting her. Do you know that?"

Quinn started crying then as the realization of what her mom said washed over her. Judy was right. But… I would've probably decked his fucking ass too. I was suddenly really glad she'd broke his fucking nose.

"Maribel," we heard Leroy call from the top of the stairs.

She went up to see what he wanted.

"I need to apologize," Q said. She moved to the stairs.

Judy grabbed her arm. "You must certainly do not. You're going home with me."

I shook my head. "I'm taking her with me. We'll probably be at your house in a few. But she needs to chill out and I…" I sighed. "Trust me?" I asked Judy.

She seemed hesitant but nodded slowly.

"Okay." I smiled at her. "Can you tell Britts? She'll understand."

"Okay," she finally said.

I waited for her to go up the stairs. I palmed Leroy's spare keys off the counter. Lucky they were there. I grabbed Q's arm and led her to the backdoor. "Come on," I said, dragging her out.

Puck was standing by his truck when we got around front.

"Hey," I muttered, still dragging Q behind me.

"I was just making sure everyone left…" He trailed off. "Where are you going?"

I shrugged. I really hadn't thought that far ahead. I just needed to get her out of the house.

"My mom's at my sisters until late tonight. Why don't you follow me to mine?" He asked.

Sounded like a good idea. It'd save me from… I don't know, taking her dumbass on a back road and forcing her to hitch back. "Sounds good, " I muttered, opening Leroy's door and shoving her inside. I shut the door behind her.

"Follow me?" He asked.

I nodded and moved to the driver's side.

* * *

When we got to his house, I shoved her towards the bathroom. "Go clean your face," I demanded.

She shot me a look, but stalked off.

"She say anything?" He asked, after she shut the door.

I sighed. She'd said a lot. At least explained a lot. She told me what happened. How Rachel was panicking and how she'd kissed her after Britt had come inside. I was conflicted about that part of it. Rachel didn't need any more drama right now. And Q couldn't stop herself from fucking up. The chances that it would end badly were pretty fucking high.

I gave him a slightly edited version.

"You know," he said, after I'd finished. "She's always been a time bomb, but holy shit… she waylaid on his ass. Like dude's nose was broke." He scowled. "He fucking hit her back too. Which is not cool."

I shrugged. "She held her own." I didn't think we needed to get all misogynistic about who hit whom. She could handle it. He looked a helluva lot worse than her.

"No shit," he muttered. He grabbed three beers from the mini fridge and handed one to me.

"Thanks."

Q came back in. She'd scrubbed most of the makeup off her face and pulled her hair back. I noticed her shirt was torn. She crossed her arms and plopped down in the chair across from us. Pissed and pouting.

Puck handed her a beer. She grabbed it out of his hand.

"Quit sulking, Fabray," I said, taking a drink.

"Your face okay?" Puckerman asked her. I studied it. It was bruising around her cheek and her eye would be helluva swollen tomorrow but nothing was broken. She'd faired a heck of a lot better than Hudson though.

She shrugged. She was totally going for petulant. Like she wasn't a damn grown woman.

"What the hell is your problem?" I asked her.

She eyed me for a second. "Oh nothing. I'm just peachy fucking keen, Santana. I'm sitting here with you two in Puck's mom's basement. Having a grand fucking time."

"Oh hell nah, sister. You brought this shit on yourself." I took another drink just to keep my mouth shut.

"He started it," she said, crossing her arms again.

"Whoa. What are you? Twelve?" Puck asked.

She eyed him. "Fuck you, Puckerman."

"Chill out, Q. Your psycho is showing." I muttered. "You best be glad I got your ass outta that house. B was about to put the smackdown on you. And as scary as your crazy ass is, she's ten times scarier."

She sneered. "I'm not going back to my mother's."

I shrugged. "Stay here. I don't give a shit."

"You can't keep me away from her."

Good lord. She was delusional. "I'm not keeping you away from her. I'm keeping you from fucking up further. I'd rather not have to watch your stupid ass but Brittany told me to." I studied her face. "You're about this far from getting your ass dropped off at the airport. And here's the real deal. I'm thinking if we were to leave your dumbass alone, you'd find your way over to Hudson's and do something incredibly stupid. So I'm also keeping it out of jail too. Cause if you think that's gonna make Rachel happy…" I didn't finish cause I didn't fucking need to.

She huffed but didn't say anything.

"Look Q, we get you're mad. And apparently Finn said some pretty f'ed up shit. But you can't go anywhere near Rachel until you calm down." Puck interjected.

I nodded. "He's right. You actually scared her. She was fucking terrified."

"So was I," Puck muttered around his drink. Pussy.

"I didn't mean to scare her," she finally said, looking away from us. "I don't know what's wrong with me." Her voice had deflated some and I felt a momentary stab of guilt.

It was gone pretty quickly.

"You got some serious rage going on. That shit is crazy unhealthy. Rachel wants you around, obviously. But… you aren't doing her any favors. You care about her as much as you say you do, you need to suck it up. For her sake. She's hurting enough without adding your drama to it." I sighed. "She wants you around, Q. And that's like a fucking milestone. Please don't fuck this up." I shook my head. "I really need you not to fuck it up."

She nodded. "I should apologize at least," she said softly.

Puck shook his head. "I don't think you should right now. You still kinda feel like you're in the right about all of this. I mean we all heard you warn him but that shit still wasn't cool, Fabray."

She was shaking. "I don't understand why I feel like this." She whispered. "When he said that… about Eliza… god, you should've seen her face." She turned back to face us. "It was like he'd hit her. I just saw red."

Here was where I agreed with her. I would've done the same thing. I couldn't fucking say that though. Any vindication she got and she'd probably drive the fuck over there and finish. Brittany would kick my ass if she got arrested.

Puck frowned beside me. He was thinking the same thing, probably. "That was a douchey thing to say," he mumbled.

"Agreed," I said, offhandedly. "But no more. Hudson is toast. We aren't even discussing him." I announced. I was about to finish when my phone rang. They both looked up as I pulled it out of my pocket. "Hello."

"Santana," Rachel said softly on the other end.

"Rach," I answered. Both their eyes lit up. Quinn went to speak but I held up my hand.

"Is she okay?" Rachel whispered.

"Uh…" I started to say 'define okay.' But there really wasn't any reason to upset her more. "Better," I settled on. "Are you?"

They were both watching me intently. Q was biting her lip. I could tell she was trying to hear what Rachel was saying.

"Just… today was a lot, huh?" She asked.

I hummed my agreement.

"I just… I'm not mad at her. It scared me a little because she was…" she lowered her voice. "She was very angry. I think he knew that. I'm very angry at him. He wasn't very thoughtful today and he's just trying to get her riled up, you know?"

"Yeah," I agreed. She was definitely right about that.

"Just tell her that I'm sorry. She doesn't have to go to her mom's tonight. I feel like we're punishing her or something and I don't want her to…" She sighed. "I kissed her," she whispered very softly.

"She mentioned that," I answered. I was watching Q's face. It was twisted up. It was killing her that she couldn't hear Rach.

"I shouldn't have?" She asked me.

"Is that a question?" I countered.

"Maybe?"

"I don't know, Rach. Maybe. Maybe not. You can't help…" I sighed, not really wanting to have this conversation in front of the other two. "Only you know the answer to that," I settled on.

"I wanted to," she finally said.

I didn't reply.

She sighed again. "Just tell her I'm sorry. And I hope that she's okay. I want her to come back so I can apologize but if she doesn't want to, I understand."

God leave it to Berry to take the blame for other peoples' dumbass decisions. "I'll tell her, Rach." I eyed Q. "Why don't you lie down or something? You and B get your snuggles on and I'll see you in a few? Okay? I don't wanna worry about you."

"Okay, Santana." She said.

"Love you," I told her.

"Love you too," she answered hanging up.

Q was staring a hole through me. "What did she say?"

"That's she's fucking sorry. To tell you she's sorry… Feel like a hero now?" I asked her, crossing my arms.

She moaned and closed her eyes. "Jesus," she whispered.

"Yep," I agreed.

* * *

After a couple of beers for me and five for Q, we left Puck's. It had been dark for a few hours. We both hugged him and promised to see him before we left. He mentioned coming by tomorrow to see Rachel but was worried about bothering her.

I told him it was fine. I knew she would want to see him. She had a soft spot for his stupid ass.

"Where are we going?" Q asked when I turned out of his driveway. Her mom's house was the other way.

My mama texted me and said Rach had been adamant about not taking Q's bag back to Judy's. When Brittany said it was okay, they'd relented.

"Back to Rachel's," I muttered.

"What?" She asked, surprised. "I thought we weren't going to my mom's." She looked panicked. "What am I going to say to her?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Rach wants you to come back. My moms said to bring you back. Just doing what I'm told cause you…" I turned down Rach's street. "I fucking know how to fall in line when I'm supposed to."

She sighed. "I want to go to my mother's. I can't face her right now."

Damn. I wish she could make up her fucking mind on occasion. "Don't give a shit," I answered.

"Ugh," she groaned, huffing and crossing her arms. She didn't speak the rest of the way.

When we got back to Rachel's most of the lights were out. Leroy and Hiram had gone to bed and our parents had gone for the night. I walked over to the stairs. Q was still standing at the door.

"Come on, cuckoo," I said, motioning with my head.

"I don't appreciate you insinuating that I am crazy." She huffed and crossed her arms.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Maybe you should act like you're cuckoo for Crunch Berry and I wouldn't think you were batshit." I pulled her arm. "Come on."

She sighed like she was walking to her beheading or some shit.

Kurt's door was shut. I opened it softly. He wasn't inside. That didn't bode well. "Fucking A," I muttered to myself.

She quirked her eyebrow but didn't comment.

I knocked on Rachel's door softly.

"Come in," Brittany said.

When I opened the door, I had to let my eyes adjust to the light. B was sitting up against the headboard. Rachel was curled up beside her asleep.

"I didn't give her one of those pills, but she was super tired anyway," she said, smiling at me. "She tried to wait up…" She made eye contact with Quinn. "Q." She said. Her voice was clipped.

"Britt… I'm…"

Brittany shook her head. "No. She wanted you to come back. I totally thought it was a bad idea but then she told me everything that happened. I'm not happy about how you acted or anything but I get why you did it. I just wish you would think sometimes before you do stuff. You know how that gets you in trouble." She sighed. "She told me to wake her up when you guys got back, but I'm not gonna." She slid slowly off the bed. "But you can stay in here. Cause that's what she wants."

I raised my eyebrow. "Did she say that?"

B shook her head. "She doesn't have to, San."

I sighed. "You're kind of a miracle worker, Brittany Pierce." I smiled at her.

She nodded sagely. "Somebody has to be." She answered. She gave Q a look. "Don't screw this up. Or I'm gonna be super mad." she muttered, walking out of the room.

I caught Quinn's eye. "Ditto, whore." I said, following her out.

When we got to our bedroom. Brittany turned around and smiled at me. "I think you're awesome, San." She said.

I pulled her to me and kissed her. "Ditto, babe," I whispered against her.

* * *

_I felt the bed shift beside me and rolled over. _"Brittany… did you…" I opened my eyes. "Quinn?! Oh my god! Does that hurt?" She was sitting on the edge of the bed. Her face was red and swollen.

She shook her head. "No. It's fine."

I reached to touch it softly. She flinched but let me. "Flinching does not equal fine," I said. "It looks horrible." And it did. She was going to have a black eye tomorrow. It made my stomach hurt.

She shrugged. "I deserve it," she whispered. She brushed my hair out of my face. "I'm so sorry I woke you."

I shook my head back. "No. I tried to stay awake but…" She'd obviously had a shower and changed clothes. "I'm glad you came back." I finally said.

She was tracing a pattern on my arm with her fingertips. She stopped as I spoke. "I'm glad you wanted me to," she replied. She started the pattern again and I took her hand.

"Look at me," I said softly, sitting up.

She took her time looking in my eyes. I watched a sad smile cross her face. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I say that a lot, huh?"

I shrugged. "It's okay."

"It really isn't. I was way out of line. He just…" She shook her head. "I'm not going to talk about him. If I do…" She touched my cheek. "I scared you."

"He was wrong," I told her.

I watched as the surprise washed quickly across her face. "Still…"

I shook my head. "No. He knew you were going to do that. That's why he came outside. I think he thought that if he got you to get angry enough I'd see what you were… capable of… or something." I wasn't as stupid as he or anyone else thought. I knew what he did.

"And did you?" She asked quietly.

"Did I what?"

"See what I was capable of?" She looked away.

I turned her head back towards me. "I saw someone trying to protect me. You held me and I felt better. He saw us… maybe I shouldn't have done that. Kissed you?"

She looked crestfallen but quickly hid it.

I shook my head. "I just mean… I should've known he was going to come out there. And when he said those things… I mean if I were in your place…" Ugh, focus, Rachel. "I get it. That's all I'm saying. I'm not mad at you. Not at all." I picked up her chin so she would look at me. "I didn't want you to not come back." I leaned over and kissed the side of her bruised face softly.

I felt her breath hitch when I pulled away. She was staring into my eyes and hers were… dark. And sparkling. They were actually sparkling. Her breath was hitting my cheek with each exhalation she made. And they were coming quickly. I looked down at her lip, and noticed she was biting the corner. She was thinking and I knew what she was thinking about.

"I want to kiss you," she whispered. I felt every word against my lips.

I nodded dumbly. "Okay."

"But I can't," she said, pulling back slowly.

I pouted. "Why not?"

She closed her eyes when she saw my bottom lip. "Fuck," she muttered. "Because…" she opened her eyes. "Because I am afraid I won't be able to stop myself."

I nodded, and looked away. I was trying to hide my disappointment. I could feel the tears forming but I didn't want to cry in front of her.

"Please don't cry," she whispered, turning my head back to face her.

I blinked away my tears. "I was so afraid you wouldn't come back," I whispered.

She swallowed. "I'm here."

I looked away again. I took my time before I spoke. "I don't know what this means but… I want you to… I just…" I swallowed. I turned back to her. "Please?" I asked.

I watched the internal struggle cross her features. I needed her. I knew that maybe I was asking too much but I just… she was the only one that could make it go away. I didn't know why. It was too much to think about.

I lay back and grabbed at her shirt. She let me pull her on top of me but she braced herself with her hands on the side of my head above me. I loved the way she bit her lip when she was thinking. I felt my stomach do a tiny flip. I hadn't felt that in years.

"I don't know how smart this is," she said. She was looking into my eyes. Probably waiting for me to stop her, or come to my senses. To push her off.

There was no way I was doing that. When I thought earlier that she wouldn't come back… my stomach bottomed out. I was terrified. I told Brittany I wanted her to come back. I couldn't say anything else out loud yet, but Brittany had known anyway.

"Please tell me to stop," she whispered, closing the distance between us.

I wrapped my arms lightly around her shoulders. "No," I muttered.

She pressed her lips softly against mine. "This is stupid," she mumbled against my lips.

"Mmmhmm," I answered, opening my mouth.

"Stupid," she whispered, into it. Before kissing me.

When we'd kissed before, I'd initiated it. I realized now, when she was in charge, just how much she'd held back. She was still holding herself above me but there was an urgency to the way she moved her mouth on mine. She was moaning softly and every time she made the sound, I shuddered under her. When she put her tongue in my mouth, I closed my eyes tighter and tried to pull her to me. She deepened the kiss but wouldn't let me. It was almost sloppy and it was wet and I felt like I could…

She pulled away.

"Uh," I pouted dramatically. I didn't want her to stop.

When she heard me pout her eyes got even darker and she attacked my mouth this time. It was messy and wet and I couldn't get enough of her. I pulled her closer and ran my hands down her back. She kissed away from my mouth and slid her lips across my cheek, before running her tongue softly down the side of my neck. She nipped at the place behind my ear before sucking lightly. I grabbed her and pulled her flush against me.

Her hands were in my hair. She pulled my head to the side so that my neck was exposed. She was kissing it roughly and her tongue was giving me hallucinations. I was pretty sure I was dreaming. Nothing was ever supposed to feel this good.

"Oh," I whispered, when she nibbled in the same spot again. I could feel the vibrations of her moans against my neck. It was doing funny things to me.

She bit down a bit more forcefully when she heard me. She sucked the skin into her mouth and ran her tongue roughly against it. Every time her lips closed around it, I pulled her to me. I wanted more than anything to press into her, but I was afraid she'd stopped if I moved my body.

I was moaning softly and I didn't realize it until I heard her whisper. "Fuck," against the column of my throat. She bit down softly again. And then she pressed all her weight into me and circled her hips.

I threw my head back and moaned louder.

Before I knew it her mouth was on my mine again. The kiss was rough and hot and I couldn't get close enough to her. I put my hands under her shirt and ran my hands up and down her spine. When she circled her hips, I broke the kiss and threw my head back.

"Oh god," I whispered. I pulled at her shirt.

This got her attention in a different way and she pulled away. "No. Rachel wait…"

"No," I said forcefully. Since she'd sat up I reached to bottom of my own shirt and pulled it over my head instead. "No." I said, lying quickly back down.

She sucked in her breath as her eyes wandered downward. She went to move away. "Stop. We need to…"

No," I pouted and pulled her back to me. I kissed the area where her throat met her collarbone.

"Fuck fuck fuck," she was panting above me. She pushed me away and put her lips on my neck. "Fuck." She kept saying.

She kissed me softly between the hollow of my breasts and I fought to keep my eyes open to watch her. She licked her way back up, up and down my chest. She was staying away from my breasts and when she made eye contact with me, I almost cried out. She shook her head like she couldn't believe herself. "Fuck," she whispered again, never breaking eye contact before she kissed the side of my left breast. When I felt her tongue, I fell back and closed my eyes.

I stopped thinking when I felt her mouth all over me. I was writhing underneath her. No one had ever made me feel like this. Every time her lips touched my skin, my breasts, I felt my insides clench tightly. I would've crawled inside of her if I could have.

Her hair was tickling my chest and I realized she pulled it out of the ponytail. Every suck sent a shiver through my body and I couldn't bite back my moans.

That seemed to spur her on though and she attacked me forcefully. I tried to get any type of contact with her. Pressing up into her. I put my hands on her back, trying to keep her still so I could…

She stopped suddenly and looked up at me. "Please," I begged. I could barely keep my eyes open.

She shook her head and looked conflicted. "Jesus," she muttered. I thought she was going to pull away and I set to protest, but I felt her hand slip under the waistband of my shorts. She pulled them down and l lifted up so she could pull them off.

"Yours," I tried to mutter, reaching for her shorts.

She shook her head and settled between my legs. She hadn't take off anything. When she pressed into me, I felt my stomach clench tightly. I reached down and tugged on her shorts. "Please, Quinn," I muttered.

She groaned and let me pull them down. I kicked them off with my feet. Before I could get her tank top off she'd thrust her body against mine and I totally forgot she even had it on. I threw my head back.

This wasn't the first time I'd been with a woman. This wasn't even the first time I'd been with her. Not really.

But this was the first time I'd ever felt… that.

When her lips found mine again, I was moaning. She thrust into me with some sort of simple rhythm I wasn't expecting and I tried to keep up. I just felt her everywhere and she felt so… she felt like she fit.

She was panting into my mouth and we weren't really kissing anymore. I could feel her breath against my tongue. I wrapped my legs around her waist trying to pull her closer. I put my hands on the small of her back and pushed up into her.

Then she pressed down as hard as she could and didn't let up. She just circled her hips. Once. Twice. And I was flying. I felt my stomach clench and I cried out when I came.

"Fuck," she said louder than before as I panted into her mouth. "Uh uh uh," she was moaning.

She pushed into me one more time and released a loud gasp of air against the side of my face. "God," she finally whispered, circling her hips again. She was moving softer this time. She collapsed on top of me.

I took my time trying to catch my breath.

She had her head pressed into the space between my shoulder and my throat. It took me a moment to realize she was crying. She was shaking softly against me and I could feel her wet tears on my neck.

"Hey," I whispered, pulling away so I could see her face. "Quinn…" She was shaking her head, trying to bury it in my neck. "Quinn," I tried softer.

She broke down. She was heaving on top of me. I rolled my lower body away from her and then pulled her to me. "Shh," I whispered against her hair. "It's okay."

I was freaking out. I had no idea why she was crying. It sounded like she was broken.

"I'm sorry," she choked out.

"Why are you so scared?" I finally asked. I was rubbing her back and she was burying her face against my neck.

"I just…" she sobbed. "I love you and I shouldn't have… god, I can't even control myself around you… I…" She broke down again.

She was breaking my heart. She sounded so small. I wrapped my arms fully around her and kissed the side of her head. "No. No apologies." I whispered.

"I didn't want to mess this up," she finally said. Her breathing had settled. I could feel her eyelashes fluttering against my neck. She had her arm around my stomach. I squeezed her against me.

"You didn't," I said softly.

She sniffled. "I complicated things. I keep doing that."

I shook my head. "I helped," I laughed softly.

She didn't join in.

"Quinn," I said, pulling away so I could look in her eyes. They were both swollen now and she looked pitiful. "I'm not going to break. I'm an adult and I am quite aware of what I am doing. When you were gone today all I could think was that I wanted you to come back. I haven't wanted to be close to anyone since…" I sighed. I suddenly felt incredibly guilty. I knew how she felt about me. She'd been completely honest with her feelings. I'd been hiding my own. Holding them close to my chest. Earlier with Finn… I wasn't concerned about him. I was just afraid he was going to hurt her. It hit me so hard that I couldn't breathe.

I ran my fingers through her hair and pulled her back to me. I couldn't talk to her about this when she was looking up at me like that. "When you didn't come to the train station that day…" I paused. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. "I… I cried all the way to New York. I picked up my phone a hundred times in the next few days. Hoping you'd call me. Trying to work up the courage to call you. I couldn't get passed my own insecurities though. I just threw myself into everything else." I sighed.

She was breathing evenly against my neck and I was worried she was asleep. "I did too," she whispered.

I nodded. "Santana told me something the night you guys came to see us. She said everything I'd done was because of you. In spite of you. That I'd been running from you for ten years." I swallowed. "I don't want to run anymore. I'm really tired of denying stuff and pretending like it doesn't exist. I hate that it took Eliza dying… I hate it more than anything, but…" I swallowed again. "I just need you. I can't lose anyone else. I can't deal with that again."

She moved away from me then and I thought I'd said too much. I turned away from her. I suddenly felt as naked as I actually was and I pulled the blanket around my neck.

I felt her fingertips run down my neck and she pulled the blanket back so she could lay her head on my chest. "I can feel your heart beating," she whispered.

I nodded. "It's about to beat out of my chest."

She pressed her lips to my chest softly. "Rachel," she finally sighed, very softly. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I'll be right here as long as you'll have me. Hell, however you'll have me." She took my hand and placed it over her heart. "Do you feel that?"

"Yeah," I whispered.

"That's yours," she said softly. "Always has been."

I gasped.

She raised her head up and put her hand on my chest, before resting her chin on it so she could look at me. "I know everything is terrible right now. I know that you are dealing with more pain than most people can imagine. I can't take that away as much as I want to." She cut her eyes. "And I really really want to," she muttered, before looking at me again. "I've read a lot, you know?" She asked, her eyelids fluttering as she thought. "I've tried to figure out what love was. I kept coming to different definitions. Different explanations. I still don't understand it. I just know that I love you. And… it doesn't really matter how you feel about me. I've loved you forever. Everything about you. I want to protect you," she closed her eyes then. "I know I can't. I can't fix everything. I can't make it go away. But if being there for you," she opened her eyes, "being whatever you need is all I can do… I will do it. Forever. If that's this," she motioned between us. "Okay. If it's more. Okay. If you want me to leave. I'd go tomorrow," she scrunched up her face. "I'd probably kick Santana on the way out but…"

I took a deep breath. No one had ever spoken to me like that. I smiled and laughed softly. "Well I don't want you to kick her. She gets ornery when people do that. So I think I'll have to keep you around."

She smiled at me and settled her head back on my chest. "I guess you will," she whispered.

I kissed her head again. "Good night, my protector," I whispered into her hair.

She snuggled against me. "Good night, superstar."

* * *

**So... yeah. There ya go. Thanks for reviewing and being awesome and all that. I'll update soon. I shudder even thinking about Santana's reaction to this. (Insert evil laugh here)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Enjoy**

* * *

Chapter 14

For the second day in a row, I woke up after Brittany. I recalled Q saying that Britt slept late and allotting for the time difference and all… I was a bit confused. I was briefly worried about last night and what that meant to her.

Cause for me, it sorta meant everything.

That being said, I was at least happy she wasn't pacing like yesterday morning. Instead she was sitting up cross-legged on the bed, watching me. If had been anyone else I would probably had a minor freak out. People watching you sleep is kinda creepy. But hey… it was B. I just smiled at her.

"Good morning," she smiled back. "Sleep okay?"

I nodded. "You could say that." You could say a lot more than that honestly. I just didn't.

Was I stupid? I didn't fucking know anymore. Maybe what we did last night wasn't smart but fuck… I was pretending to know all the answers. I just knew I wanted her.

"So," she said softly. "A couple of things. I don't want you to like get upset or anything but…"

Shit. It was my experience that when people started fucking conversations like that… I disregarded the rumbling in my stomach. "Yeah?" I asked.

"Okay, so first of all… Kurt didn't come home last night." She frowned.

Fuck. Just… fuck. I ignored the fact that she actually knew that. Jesus Christ, could he be any fucking stupider?

She must've noticed the reaction crossing my face. "Don't jump to conclusions. I just think you should be aware in case it comes up later. But seriously S, don't bring it up. Cause… you know…" She trailed off, frowning.

Goddamn it. I totally wanted to bring it up. I just nodded instead. If he had done anything, there was no way he couldn't tell me. He was bad about not being able to keep a secret. Even about himself.

"Okay," she actually looked down, biting her lip. "So here's the other thing… And I kinda don't wanna tell you this cause I know what you're gonna do and I don't think you should. Cause it's not really your call and stuff and…" I noticed she was actually nervous.

"What is it?" I asked, feeling a little sick at the way she was hedging.

"Q and Rach totally had sex, "she rushed out.

I sat up. "What the fuck?!"

She put her hand on my leg. "Seriously, San…."

"No way, Britt! You cannot tell me not to get pissed about that. What the fuck was Quinn thinking? Jesus H. Christ. Rachel is not fucking stable or thinking clearly right now. Have we not goddamn established this shit?" I was fucking fuming. I was gonna kill Fabray or die goddamn trying.

"So it's okay for us to do it, but not them?" She asked, genuinely confused. "That doesn't make any sense."

I studied her face. I wasn't sure how to react to that question but… "It's different," I huffed, crossing my arms. Something else crossed my mind. "How do you know?" I asked her.

"I totally went to check on them this morning. I mean it was really obvious. They were asleep but…" she said. "I just knew. You know?"

Fuck no, I didn't know. I decided I didn't have time to decipher the scary insightfulness that was Brittany Pierce at the present moment. I jumped up. "I'm gonna kill Fabray," I scowled.

She put her hand on my arm and pulled me back down. "No." She was shaking her head authoritatively. "Maybe it's what Rachel needs."

I shook my head. "It is not what Rachel fucking needs," I uttered, sitting down nonetheless.

She didn't know what Rachel needed. And neither did Q. I was beyond normal pissed. They'd been back in our lives for a week and a half and we'd both rolled over like goddamn… I noticed her face. She seemed upset and it gave me a moment's pause.

"Please don't be angry," she whispered.

I sighed. "I'm not mad at you, B," I whispered back softly. "Okay?"

She nodded. "I know. Just don't be mad at Q either. She's just… you can't be mad at her cause she loves Rachel, you know? Cause she totally does. You can't deny that after yesterday. I mean she went about it the wrong way, but she's never learned how to express herself. She got so used to hiding stuff and then… it's all kinda coming out at once." She shook her head, frowning. "And she's gonna feel super guilty about it today. Even if Rach doesn't. Rachel probably won't," she said.

I nodded, still pissed. "Good," I muttered.

"San…" she started.

"Britt, listen. I know Q's got some fucked-up-ness going on. I get it. I've been there myself on occasion and there's a heavy amount of suckage there. I just can't ignore the fact that Rach is involved." I sighed. I didn't want to upset her but I needed to tell her something. "You know what I do right?"

She nodded. "You're a heart doctor. For babies." She smiled at me.

"Yeah, I am. There's not a lot of people who do what I do," I started.

"It's really cool that you save people's lives. Especially little people. They don't always get to say when they're hurting. It's awesome there are people like you who can help them."

I sighed. "It's a hard job, B. Sometimes it's just monitoring. Making sure they're doing everything they're supposed to. Sometimes it's open-heart surgery on a newborn. A lot of times it works but… sometimes later…. When you think everything is okay, they just stop breathing. My job is explaining to a parent, a family… why their child died. Why, after two years, their heart just stopped." I looked down. "It's not easy. It's taken me a few years to learn how to deal. To not cry every time I have to apologize for not doing enough." I looked at her face. She was nodding sadly. I didn't want to make her cry. "I'm not saying this to upset you."

"I know that, San," she answered, patting my knee.

"I just… those people… they never get over it. I watch them when I tell them and it's almost like something inside them just burns out. I've seen it more times than I want to count. But with Rachel…" I took a deep breath. "I now know what happens after. She's still in shock, B. I need you guys to understand that because it's not easy to see because she's trying so hard." I blinked away a stray tear. "I'm really proud of her for that, but… she's gonna fall. That's the thing I am terrified of. When we have to go back to normal. Back to work. What will happen?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

"I don't either. I'm scared of that. And Q is not…" I chose my next words carefully, "… always together." I settled on. "If she… her insecurity and her jealousy, it's… Rachel isn't gonna get better in a week. And hell, even on a good day, Rach is hard as hell to deal with. I know Quinn loves her. I'm not gonna argue with you there. I just want you to understand…" I made eye contact with her. "…if she hurts her…" I touched her hand. "…I can't let it go. I won't."

She nodded. "I get that, San. What is it you're worried about? Besides Rachel?"

"It's not you. I just want you to understand that. I trust you. You're good. You're one of the few good people I know. And I don't want what happens or… what doesn't happen between them to… I don't wanna lose you," I finally whispered.

It was a lot for me. I didn't like opening myself up for anyone. In fact, I hadn't. I couldn't deny how I felt about Britt. I knew I loved her. I just didn't know if I could say it right now.

She put her hand on my chest. "Let's keep her from screwing up then, okay? Cause I don't wanna lose you either. And I know you can't not protect Rachel. That's really what makes you awesome honestly. But I kinda have to watch out for Q too." She frowned. "She's really a good person, San. She just doesn't always know what to do. It's more sad than anything."

It still amazed me how, after all these years, Britt could be so genuine. Life and all the shit that came with it had done a number on the rest of it. We've seen and lived through things that changed a person. But so had B. And it didn't make sense but then again it did. If I'd learned nothing else since she'd come back, it was that she was really that good. It made me feel a little better about everything else.

If she trusts Q… well, I wouldn't kill her.

Step up in my book.

* * *

When Britt went to take a shower however, my ass was straight out of the bed. Jesus, what was I, Saint Santana?

I knocked loudly in case they were naked or whatever… cause fuck… I did not need that image haunting me for the rest of my life.

"Hang on, Santana," Rachel called. Her voice was hurried. I didn't like that voice.

Mother of god… I needed… ugh… I banged my head against the wall and left it there. Just… goddamn it.

"Okay," she said, out of breath.

I opened the door. If it had been anyone else in the world, I might've actually fucking laughed. Q was sitting across the room in Rachel's desk chair, reading through some papers she'd brought with her. Rachel was sitting in bed, flipping through the damn television channels with the remote. Cause her ass had been watching a lot of TV and shit… right. I was aggravated they thought I was stupid.

I crossed my arms and propped up against the doorframe.

"Good morning," Rachel said, brightly. She patted the bed next to her. Like 'come sit here on this bed of nastiness or some crazy ass shit.'

Yeah right. No way I was sitting on that thing. Fuck that.

"Morning," I said, ignoring her hand.

She frowned then because she knew that I knew. And she knew that I knew that she knew. And I knew... hell, never mind. It was gonna become one of those battle of wills we were so fond of. So motherfucking be it.

Q hadn't looked up from her papers, which was impressive cause her shoulders were so tense I couldn't have bounced a goddamn quarter off them.

"Did you sleep well, Santana?" Rachel asked. I had to give her credit. She was gonna pretend.

I nodded. "Did you?" I could pretend to.

"Yes. I fell asleep before you got back last night. I'm very sorry about that. I know we never go to sleep without saying goodnight," she smiled softly.

I glanced at Quinn then. She flinched but still didn't look up.

"It's all good. I didn't wanna wake you up cause that would've totally made me a selfish ass. It was obviously a hard day. No big, babe." I winked at her. I was telling the truth. I hated to go to bed without telling her goodnight.

Q flinched again. It was even more noticeable this time. I would've given anything to call her ass on it, but...

"How's the eye?" I asked her. It forced her to look up. I fought the urge to extend an invitation for her to join our little dance around the obvious.

"It's fine," she muttered.

"Looks like shit," I said, smirking. Motherfucking under goddamn statement. It looked like more than shit. It looked like something _shit_ would be afraid of. If that wasn't hurting, she was like a goddamn superhero. Or super villain. Jury was still out on that one as far as I was concerned.

"Santana," Rachel chided.

I cut my eyes at her. She was trying to read me. I knew her. She thought I was gonna blow up or something. I wasn't fucking stupid. That wouldn't have helped anything.

"Where's Brittany?" She finally asked.

"Shower," I answered offhandedly. No way we were talking about B.

She nodded. I hadn't moved from the doorway. My arms were still crossed. She sighed with that dramatic sigh only Berry could pull off. "Fine," she finally said, crossing her arms back. "So you know." She waved her hand around.

Point to Berry.

Quinn gasped. "Rachel!" She shifted in her chair.

Rachel shook her head. "She knows." She turned to her. "Is it supposed to be a secret?"

Painted yourself into that corner, Fabray. I raised my eyebrow at Q.

She shook her head slowly, eyeing me. She was sizing me up.

It wasn't fucking worth it.

I took a deep breath and frowned. I shrugged my shoulder, shook my head back, and walked the fuck out.

* * *

Of course she'd known. She was Santana Lopez. She could read me like a book. She could read anyone like a book, but she'd spent years reading me. I put my head in my hands.

"Are you okay?" Quinn asked. She hadn't moved from the chair. Her voice was distance and I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

We'd woken up this morning the same way we'd fallen asleep last night. Maybe it would've gotten awkward, I wasn't sure. Because as soon as I had even a clear thought… Santana knocked on the door.

She knew even then. She never knocked.

Her face told me everything I needed to know too. I expected her to be disappointed, and maybe she was, but… a week ago she would've yelled at me and told me I was being rash and irresponsible, except with a whole lot of inappropriate language thrown in.

I wasn't expecting what I'd just seen. It had thrown me. Santana didn't do subtle. And that exchange we just had... for Santana that was beyond subtle. It was spooky.

I raised my head up slowly. "She didn't yell or get mad or…" I couldn't think. "I don't know what that means." What did it mean?

"It isn't her business," Quinn said. She crossed her arms. That voice I could decipher.

I wanted her to come back to bed but she stayed where she was. I could tell she was angry. I just wasn't sure at whom.

I sighed and thought about a way I could explain. "Technically no. I guess it's not her business but…" I couldn't think of what I wanted to say. Technically, nothing about our relationship was normal. Maybe she didn't have a right but... she also kind of did.

"But?" She asked, arching her eyebrow. Her body language left me exhausted sometimes. I didn't like how quickly she could become defensive. It looked painful being that on guard all of the time.

"She's my best friend…" I tried. That was not the best answer.

She scoffed. "She's not your mother. Or your partner. Or your…" She rolled her eyes. "Jesus Rachel, you're thirty years old. You don't need Santana Lopez telling you what to fucking do," she spat out.

"Why are you mad?" I asked softly. "You have no right to be mad."

That gave her pause but she hid it. "Because I don't want to fucking answer to Santana."

Okay. She was now actually not even trying to hide her anger. Fine. I crossed my arms as well. I wasn't going to play her game. And she was definitely looking for an argument. "Well, we're kind of a package deal, Quinn. You're going to have to deal with her. I love her and she's not going anywhere."

She narrowed her eyes momentarily and then looked away. "Of course you do…" she muttered.

I couldn't figure out why she was mad. It scared me. "Please don't do this," I whispered. I was surprised. I didn't know why I was surprised. Of course she was going to do this.

She turned around slowly and made eye contact me. I watched her deflate. Her anger was gone but in it's place… guilt. Her emotions were a rollercoaster of fear. It was so tiring.

"I need to get some air," she finally said, standing up and walking out.

I let her go. Nothing good would come of calling her back or following her. I knew that. And I was too exhausted by everything to even try.

* * *

I stayed in bed for about an hour. I should've gotten up. Gone to check on Quinn or talk to Santana or Kurt and Brittany. But I didn't want to get up. Truthfully, I sort of thought someone would come check on me. Even my daddies. But… I got I was a bit of a drama queen on occasion. I could own that.

But I just wanted her to come back. She didn't.

I finally got up and opened my bedroom door. I peered down the hallway and noticed that Santana's door was cracked. I sighed and knew that I needed to talk to her. I knocked softly.

"Come in," I heard her mumble as I opened the door. She was pulling a shirt over her head.

Her hair was still in a towel. She pulled it off and started towel-drying it. I sat down on the bed and took a deep breath.

"Where's Brittany?" I asked her. I was running my hand across the comforter. She'd already made the bed.

She turned around and frowned slightly. "She wanted to go see her mom."

"Oh," I answered. "Did my daddy drive her?"

She shook her head. "Judy."

I nodded slowly. I didn't even know Judy had been here. I assumed that meant…

"Q's not here," she finally said.

I wasn't really surprised. I knew she said she'd be whatever I needed her to be, but… she wasn't a robot or a doll or… I swallowed down the guilt I was feeling. Quinn Fabray confused me. She always had. I didn't know if I could think about it.

"Okay," I whispered. It was all I could say.

She studied my face. "She went to church. With her mom."

"I didn't know she still went to church," I said. I was surprised by that. I guess that it made sense but...

She shook her head. "I don't think she does. I think Judy sorta… anyway, she went."

"Did she say anything?" I was having trouble looking at her. I knew she wasn't mad at me. But I couldn't help but feel she was disappointed. That was worse.

"I didn't talk to her. B told me." She turned around and flipped her head over so she could spray something in her hair. She rose up and brushed a comb through it. She frowned at herself in the mirror. "I got some serious bags under my eyes," she muttered, pulling down the skin.

"Ugh," I said. "I've told you not to do that. You're going to give yourself wrinkles. The skin around your eyes is extremely delicate." She was always pulling on her face and studying it. It wasn't healthy for her skin.

She frowned and poked her forehead with her fingers. "Am I getting wrinkles?" She eyed herself more closely. "Holy shit. I am. I'm getting fucking wrinkles. Oh god… I've gotta call that doctor I met. Patterson. He's a surgeon. Maybe a little Botox…" She was still scrunching her face.

"You do not need Botox." I said. She was ridiculous. "You look fine. I'm just trying to save you from useless worry lines." I knew I was talking to myself at that point. Worry and Santana were also a package deal.

She spun around. "I slept with Brittany last night."

I'm pretty certain that my face was making that O shape that meant I was speechless. It was a rare face. I was seldom speechless. I couldn't believe after she'd come into my room and…

"Are you serious?" I could feel my face getting red. I was angry. "How dare you come into my bedroom and judge me. Judge us! When you… Who do you think you are?" I jumped up. "Answer me!" I yelled. I'd watched Quinn walk out this morning and I didn't… I couldn't believe her…

She was frowning but she didn't move. "Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, Rachel," she finally answered. She spun back around towards the vanity and began applying her moisturizer. I watched her face in the mirror. "Honestly. It's like my lungs are full of water. And I can't move or break the surface and it hurts so damn bad." She was looking at herself if only to keep from looking at me.

I was not expecting that. She kept surprising me and the anger melted away. "Why?"

She caught my eye. "Why do you think?"

"You can talk to me, Santana." I whispered. "I'm not going to fall apart."

She shook her head and looked away. I knew she was close to crying. I could tell by the way she held her shoulders. She wouldn't turn around. "There are very few people in this world I love. I lost one of the most important ones, Rachel." She blinked and looked down. "And I'm not supposed to say that…" She trailed off. When she looked back at herself, she was crying. She started rubbing her eyes furiously.

I jumped up. "Stop!" I yelled, pulling her hands off her face. "Stop it!" I grabbed her fists. I pulled her into my chest and held her. "Stop this," I whispered. She crumpled against me. "Shhhh…" I bent down and squatted in front of her. "Why do you think you can't say that? Do you think I don't know that? You're so stubborn. It's frustrating," I pouted.

She tried to laugh. She was still crying.

"Quinn doesn't understand why I love you so much." I whispered. "I told her this morning… you and I, we're kind of a package deal. I was joking. But then again, I guess I really wasn't. I know you loved her. You get to say it. And you get to grieve. Please. I'm asking you not to be the strong one all the time, Santana."

"I can't," she whispered.

"Why? Because you think I need you to be strong?" I studied her face. I knew I was right. "That's so silly. I need you to be human. Be my friend. You know you're my soulmate." I kissed her cheek. "We have to get each other through this." I kissed her other cheek. "And Brittany," I said, looking up to her eyes. "She's good for you. I know she can help you. She seems to help everybody."

She nodded. "Are we being rash? This all seems too fast. Sometimes I wanna just grab her and not let go because I'm terrified she'll disappear. And sometimes… I just think… I'm terrified she's here, I guess."

"You love her." It was a statement. I wasn't stupid.

She nodded. She studied my face like she was afraid to tell me.

"Then obviously I want you to be happy, Santana. You've been waiting for her for ten years. She's beautiful. And kind. And just… Brittany. I can't imagine anything better." I hugged her. Everything I said was the truth. She deserved Brittany. They deserved each other. It gave me hope at least.

She pulled back and studied my eyes. "It didn't feel wrong. It wasn't awkward. She kissed me when she left," she smiled. "And I can't wait for her to get back."

I looked down. Quinn didn't tell me she was leaving. It hurt that it wasn't easy. I was happy for Santana. I wanted her to have everything. I just wanted everything too. The problem was… I wasn't even sure what _everything_ was. Or _who_ it was. Or if I could give it back. And that wasn't fair.

"Fuck," she muttered. She tilted my chin. "Q isn't B. They don't think the same way and she's got the major guilt thing going on. You had to have known that shit was coming. It doesn't mean anything."

I nodded. It was so easy for her to say she loved Brittany. Or maybe it wasn't. But she'd admitted it. She wanted her to come back. It seemed almost simple. Maybe it was because, of the four of us, Brittany was the only one who didn't have real demons. She was the one who could make the demons go away. I knew why Quinn needed her. Why Santana needed her. Why I needed her.

"I know it doesn't make any sense, but…" She sighed. "I don't like it. I don't think you know what you want. You have never admitted anything about Fabray. You wouldn't even talk about her most of the time. And now… I just don't want you to be… look, she'll do whatever for you. You know that, don't you?"

I nodded. "She said as much." That revelation was surprising. And scary.

"Okay," she frowned. "Don't make her."

I nodded again. Even though I was surprised she was standing up for her.

"I'm not," she answered. She was reading my mind. It was weird when she knew what I was thinking. "I know you. If you're not one hundred percent sure you want this, whatever the hell it is," she dismissed with her hand, "and you do it anyway… Shit, Rach… you're gonna spiral. You know it. And I know it. You don't need the guilt. Take a step back and think about this, babe. I don't wanna see you hurt yourself." She sighed and closed her eyes. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "And even though Quinn is a Class A fuck-up and crazy as a goddamn loon, I don't particular wanna see her break either."

It made me smile. I knew she didn't hate Quinn. She was territorial but she wasn't hateful.

"Careful, Santana Lopez, your sweet is showing." I stood up and put my hands on my hips.

She rolled her eyes. "Fuck you, Berry," she smiled. "Keep that shit to yourself."

"What are you going to do for me if I do?" I winked. I loved that we weren't doing heavy anymore. Heavy was sometimes so exhausting.

"I won't kick her ass." She deadpanned.

"She could totally take you." I deadpanned back.

"Goddamn it," she muttered, twirling her chair back around. "That's fair. Physically. But I could give her a good verbal lashing and you know it."

I laughed. "You totally wanted to say 'tongue,' didn't you?"

She rolled her eyes. "Thanks for that visual. You're disgusting." She twirled around again and tickled me. "Tiny and disgusting," she yelled, chasing me out of the room.

* * *

After we got ready and had breakfast, Kurt rolled in looking like… I wasn't fucking sure. Not as guilty as he could've looked, I guessed.

Leroy and H made their dumbasses scarce cause they were totally tired of all of our drama. Same. But I couldn't let it go. Drama followed Rachel around like a puppy dog. And me and Rach… yeah, package deal was a good description.

"Walk of shame?" I asked, pouring myself another cup of coffee. I knew B said not to antagonize him… but shit, give a woman a break.

Rachel frowned at me. "Morning," she whispered. She leaned up and kissed his cheek.

He kissed hers back and hugged her tightly. He pulled away. "I didn't do anything." He eyed us both. "Cause I'm not immoral. So you can stop judging." He poured his own cup. He was watching us both. I watched that super scary gay intuition cross his damn face. "Unlike you two. Oh. My. God." He squealed dramatically. "Shut. Up." He backed up into a chair and sat down.

"What?" I growled. He was ridiculous. Jesus.

"I can tell. I've been living with or around you for a long time," he drawled. He shook his head. "I'll be good. But…" He totally left us hanging though. "Where are they?"

"Britt's at her mom's." I muttered.

"Quinn's at church," Rachel finished.

His eyebrow shot up at that revelation. "Confessing her sins?" He singsonged. He shook his head. "You know she's gonna panic, don't you?"

Rachel sighed. "I know. I know. It was rash. And silly. And impetuous. And all of those ridiculous things that I don't do." She frowned.

He shrugged. "So what?"

I shot him a dirty look.

"Oh stop," he drawled. "They're adults. Consenting adults. Quinn loves her, Santana. You know that. And Rachel…" he stopped talking and studied her. He wiggled his eyebrow at me.

Kurt knew things. Things that I knew. We both realized a long time ago what the fuck was going on. We pretended not to because Rachel was so far in denial it was like a fascinating case study of weirdness.

"I get that, dude," I warned. "It's just… right now maybe isn't… I just don't think it's the way to go about it."

"You get what?" Rachel asked.

He ignored her and turned to me. "You don't get to decide, doc. You just get to watch. It'll either be a beautiful dance or a hot mess. And either way you and I get to say I told you so… so… maybe everything doesn't have to be so serious. Just let it be," he smiled, patting my hand. "You know how Rach can surprise us."

"That's what scares me," I answered.

She huffed and crossed her arms. "I do not appreciate you two talking about me like I am not in the room. I'm obviously standing right here. Unless I'm invisible. And mute." She frowned like she was actually considering that that was a viable option or some shit. She shook her head. "You can't ignore me. I'll start screaming or something equally horrible."

He smirked. "Do you hear something?"

I nodded. "Fuck yeah. It's like an annoying little puppy yapping. Hand me that newspaper so I can smack it."

She tackled me and threw her arms around me. "You love me," she sang. "Kiss me, you big teddy bear."

I kissed her on the nose. "Jackass," I muttered.

* * *

Puck came by and said good-bye and blah blah blah. Rachel promised to keep in touch and she wasn't lying. Cause she didn't lie. Rachel was honest. And that was cool. Puckerman had come through for her before. More than once, apparently.

Plus, I still wanted to meet his wife.

We'd spent the day playing another rousing game of 'hit a goddamn wooden ball cause white people are stupid and have too much time on their hands' game.

"This game is dumb." I eyed Leroy. "I'm mad at you for playing it."

He shook his head. "You're playing it."

"Barely," Kurt whispered to Rachel.

I smacked the hell out of my ball and knocked his into the pool.

"Santana!" He yelled. "I was almost winning," he whined.

I shrugged and crossed my arms. "You know what they say 'almost only counts in hand grenades and croquet."

Rachel started laughing. "It's horseshoes."

I spun around. "No way. I'm not playing another lawn sport. Don't even suggest it. You people are plottin' against me. I know your game. And I ain't bitin'."

She shook her head. "No. I mean the saying. It's hand grenades and horseshoes."

Shit. I thought she might actually be right. She looked too smug for me to admit that though.

Hiram knocked his ball through one of those little 'arch-y' things that probably had a name but I was not taking up a wrinkle in my brain to fucking learn. "That's a great idea, Santana. We should definitely play horseshoes next. " He then tried to high five Kurt which was like high-fiving a pony and they both missed and… holy moly…

I just rolled my eyes. "You people wanna give me a heavy metal object to heave?" I asked.

That gave them pause.

"Just saying," I added for clarification.

Rachel hit her last ball or whatever the hell through the arch and won the game after that. Or they said she'd won. How the hell was I supposed to fucking know? I didn't understand these stupid rules.

She was doing that little dorky dance she does with Kurt, which actually… well, it wasn't that dorky. It was cute and adorable, and fuck me… the sun was getting to me. I was about to call her out on it though when B and the AbFab Fabrays walked up.

"Hey," Brittany smiled brightly. "Were you playing croquet?" She asked me. I loved the way she got excited by just about everything she saw. I'd missed innocence.

Leroy laughed. "You need to define play. She was hitting balls with a stick. But there was nothing really playful about it."

I rolled my eyes at him. "It's a plot," I whispered, frowning. "They're all plotting against me. I'm scared."

She actually thought about that for a second and shrugged. Like it was a plot. And she didn't give a shit. I kinda really loved her.

"Who won?" Judy smiled softly. Had to hand it to Judy. She knew how to cut the awkward or at least draw the attention away from it. Possibly cause her daughter was like the dictionary definition of it.

"Me," Rachel answered. She sounded tiny and embarrassed. Ugh, I didn't like that voice. Damn Fabray and her stupid insecurities.

I watched Q carefully. She was being all closed off and withdrawn. Which basically meant she was being normal but whatever. She had that stance she got when she was about to take off. Q was an escape artist when she needed to be. If she stopped teaching or reading or whatever the hell it was she did… she could get a circus job. I decided to tell her later. I figured she'd appreciate my insight.

"I would've won but Santana kept knocking my ball out of play. She's a sore loser," Kurt pouted. He was so dramatic. Rach even gave his dumbass the fucking pink ball. Cause there were pink balls… this was a stupid ass game.

I picked up my mallet and made like I was gonna chase him. Brittany caught my arm.

Rachel was watching Q who was watching just about anything other than Rachel. Judy and the Berrys were watching them and watching each other. Everything was helluva awkward.

I started to wonder just how long we'd all stand around in this weird silence. I motioned for Kurt to say something with my head. He looked like I'd told him to eat a baby. Even Brittany had that 'no way' face on.

Goddamn it.

"I would like to scatter Lizzie's ashes," Rachel finally broke the silence with the one thing not a damn one of us expected to hear.

"Sure," H said way too brightly. Glad he could speak.

"I don't want to say anything. I just… well, I mean I care about everyone here and I just thought…" She looked down, embarrassed or whatever.

"It's a great idea, Rach," Brittany smiled, putting her arm around her.

She smiled back. "I was waiting on you to get back," she said quietly. She was watching Q when she said it. Q was watching her feet. Apparently they were fascinating cause she was studying the shit out of them. "So… if you guys can just give me a second? I don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything."

We all nodded like dumbasses cause we were in shock. We hadn't scattered any ashes and… I felt woozy. Britt caught my elbow and smiled sadly. "It's okay," she whispered very softly.

I nodded back cause I didn't wanna talk.

I saw Judy touch Quinn's shoulder softly. And Q flinch away. Her face looked liked she'd met a pissed off baseball bat last night. Old Q would've tried to hide that shit with makeup but new Q… I wondered if that was like a badge of honor. Cause I totally wouldn't put it passed her or anything.

Rachel came back outside holding a small envelope. I swallowed an actual gag.

She smiled at us sadly. "I don't want to speak," she said again. "But can we sing?"

Kurt nodded even though he looked like he was gonna throw up. H and Leroy both looked away and tried to be strong. I was appreciating the hell outta that.

I steeled my face.

"What would you like to sing?" Judy asked, cause I was thinking she was the only one who could actually find her voice.

Even B looked choked up.

Q looked like she was about to explode with anxiety. Her fists were clenched and she was coiled. I assumed it was from worry. Otherwise, she was even batshittier than I thought.

Rachel smiled at her and turned to me and Kurt. "_You are my sunshine…" _She started singing.

We joined in. All of us. Even Quinn. Rach bent down gently next to the rosebush, still singing, and scattered the ashes softly at the base. She sat there, squatting, until we finished singing.

When she stood up, I think we were all crying. Not like sobbing, but… I couldn't really see that well so I wasn't sure. I was still looking at the ground. I couldn't take my eyes off her ashes. I didn't want to understand what they were.

When I saw Rachel's face, I wanted to grab her and bury her head against me. Those fucking eyes… goddamn it. They were like some dopey teenager's anime dream. So fucking expressive and gigantic and glistening and… I moved to grab her because she was totally about to break down.

Q beat me to her. Bitch was always faster than me when she wanted to be.

It hurt like a motherfucker, but I let her.

Rachel crumpled up against her like Quinn was her hero. She put her head against her chest and she just sobbed. Quinn was holding her like she couldn't pull her tight enough. She gave not one shit that we were watching. I felt kinda dirty seeing it honestly. They didn't even know we were there.

I sighed as I felt B lead me away. Everyone followed. Everyone but the two of them.

I turned around one more time as I walked in the house. It was painful watching Rach cry. It always had been. But I forced myself to. I watched Q whisper something in her ear and kiss the side of her head and turned away. I sighed.

If Quinn Fabray fucked this up… if she fucked this up… the shit I would do to her would make it into a fucking record book.

* * *

**You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for reviews! **

**Also I think maybe someone asked me to marry them. I'll ask my spouse. **

**A.N. - I get this chapter pisses some people off. You'll probably just have to trust me. The next chapter is actually the most light hearted chapter I've written. Btw, this story except for tweaks, etc. is mostly written already. I just post willy nilly cause I'm bored!**

**Again, thanks for the reviews. i can definitely take criticism. As long as you guys trust me. It's rough getting Rachel and Quinn together without some mishaps along the way. There's no way Rachel is thinking clearly. Grief is hard and confusing and... I don't really know how to explain it to be honest. But Quinn is not the bad guy. Her devotion is really the best thing about this story to me. I actually had several chapters from her POV but I liked that you had to discover her with Rachel and Santana, because to me... Quinn was always the one who hid anything. Writing from her POV, though more satisfying in the short term, takes away from her mystery and the discovery is lost. I love this story more than any I've ever written in a while because I kept rewriting it and taking away the obvious.**

**P.S. - I love Santana. She's fun to write and, if I may be humble, totally in character for the way I've written her.**

**Okay. So no more talking. I don't like long Author's Notes anymore and you won't get any. I just wanted to say a few things since I got a little nasty inbox message from someone. Actually, it just means people really are invested in the story. That is amazing!**


	15. Chapter 15

**So last episode of Glee.. yeah. RIP Monteith. That was totally sad. Hopefully this is not. All Q and R. **

**Also – people worried about me sleeping… I kinda already had this written. I just tweak the chapter before I post it. Mostly. It's changed here and there. **

* * *

Chapter 15

I wasn't sure when everyone went inside. I didn't hear them leave but I was crying and I really couldn't hear anything. I liked how Quinn's arms felt around me and I was proud and sort of humbled by the fact that she'd hugged me like that in front of everyone else.

"Thank you," I muttered against her chest. She was warm and I realized for the first time that I wasn't cold when I was around her. I'd been cold for a really long time.

"How bout if I stop saying I'm sorry, you stop saying thank you?" She whispered in my ear.

I nodded against her chest. "Okay," I mumbled. "I don't want to talk about it," I murmured, hoping she understood what I meant.

"Then you don't have to." I felt her turn her head but I didn't look up. She was looking towards the house. "Can I take you somewhere?"

I pulled back then. "Where?" I asked, rubbing my face.

"Do you want to go inside?" She asked. She knew I didn't. I didn't know how she knew and I didn't want to ask her. She took my silence for what it was. "I've got my mom's keys," she whispered.

I smiled softly. "Are we running away?"

She laughed at that. "I'm not delusional no matter what they think. And I'd rather not be hunted by the FBI and your entourage." She shook her head. "No. It's just a nice day and I thought…" she trailed off, suddenly unsure.

"Okay," I muttered, before she could change her mind.

She took my hand and led me around the side of the house to Judy's car. I got inside and she ran around to the driver's seat.

"Where are we going?" I asked, after she'd pulled out. I could only imagine Santana's face when she realized we'd left. I decided not to think about that. Brittany was there so that made it better.

"It's a surprise," she mused.

I didn't question her further. She leaned over and turned on the radio and hummed softly to some song I hadn't heard in a really long time.

"Today is the first time I've sang," I told her.

She nodded. "I figured as much." She was a diligent driver. Her phone buzzed on the console beside her but she ignored it.

How many years had it been since she hadn't ignored _that_ text? The one I sent? I was so stupid and impatient and… I wonder how hard it must've been for her to come to that charade of a wedding we were about to have. How much pride had she actually swallowed? I remembered her face that day in the bridal shop and how she couldn't believe I was going through with it. She thought I was making a big mistake. She was right. I knew it then. I ignored it because it would've been too easy not to. It dawned on me how her accident changed my life so much. It was sad that her suffering was the catalyst that forced me to change my life for the better.

"You're phone's buzzing," I told her just to fill the silence. I was never comfortable with silence. It was like second nature to her.

She nodded. "It's probably Britt. Though I made the huge mistake of giving Santana my number too." She was watching the road. She pulled into a grocery store parking lot. "Okay. So you stay put." She grabbed her mom's wallet. "I forgot money when I was planning this big escape," she playfully smiled.

When her smile was genuine it had to be the most beautiful smile in the entire world. I had never seen a smile like that. It made my heart beat faster. Only Eliza's smile made me feel like that.

"So now we're basically committing grand theft auto and identity fraud?" I asked her, smiling back.

She nodded. "Basically."

I shrugged. "Okay. I'll stay put," I smiled at her again.

She grabbed her phone. "I'll text 'em while I'm inside. Five minutes. Okay?"

When she returned she was carrying a bag and talking on the phone. I watched her face. It was really bruised but she didn't seem to notice or care that anyone else noticed. To be fair, her whole face could be purple and she'd still be the most stunning person in that grocery store. I wondered if she knew that. There was no way she didn't but… it was a little awe-inspiring that she didn't seem to care.

"Okay," she said, getting in the car. She'd hung up the phone. She tossed it in the backseat. "My mom's staying at your house. I don't know why. She said something about horseshoes?"

I laughed. "My fathers are fond of lawn sports."

She started the car. "I've gathered."

"So did you speak to Brittany as well?" I didn't want to ask about Santana.

"Yes," she hummed. "Satan's fine."

"The fact that you've chosen to call her the devil tends to lead me to believe otherwise," I laughed.

She shook her head. "No. B said she was a little freaked at first but they all kinda were." She sighed but not in a way that sounded upset. Just like she was thinking. "Santana's got her own stuff, Rach. She's avoiding it by focusing on yours. It's noble but…" She trailed off for a moment. "I'm not going to say anything bad about her. She's doing what she thinks is right. She always has. I admire her stubbornness. But I'm going to take her place for a little while, okay?" She held her breath.

I realized she was waiting for me to reply. "Okay," I answered.

We drove in silence for a while. It was nice. She rolled the windows down and I closed my eyes. I hadn't really felt like I was myself for a while now, but… she made it easy. I liked that.

About ten minutes later, she turned the car down an obscure little road off the highway. I'd lived in Lima all my life but I had no idea where we were. I hadn't been paying the least bit of attention to where we were going. I liked that I didn't have to.

"Where are we?" I asked.

She turned again. "Britt's family owns some land. I don't really know what for…" She turned once more. "Anyway, last time I was here we went exploring cause we were bored and not too keen on running into anyone. She brought me here. She said it was a special place."

When she finally stopped the car, all I saw were a mass of trees. "The forest is a special place." I told her. Obviously. It was home to animals. And baby animals. And there were trees.

She grabbed the bag from the backseat and opened the door. She laughed. "I suppose so, Snow White, but no… that's not what I was talking about. Come on," she motioned with her head. She popped the trunk and grabbed a blanket from the back. I briefly wondered why Judy had a blanket in her trunk but then decided I didn't really want to know.

I got out of the car and shut the door. I noticed there was a path then and just decided to follow her. She obviously knew where she was going and I definitely trusted her. I smiled to myself. I liked that I trusted her.

"Whatcha smiling at, Berry?" She asked, taking my hand.

I shook my head. "You surprise me a lot. I like that," I decided to say.

She quirked her eyebrow. "Well I like to see you smile," she said, shyly. She pulled me forward and I realized where she was taking me. In front of her was a small clearing with a pond. There were a few trees on the far side and it was so serene and beautiful and just… I forgot about nature. Nature was awesome. There wasn't a lot of nature in my life.

"Wow," I uttered.

She smiled, pleased with herself. "You like?" She asked anyway.

I nodded. "There's grass. And trees and…" I nodded, still smiling. "Yeah," I finally settled on.

She smiled and led me close to the edge of the lake. "There's not a lot of places like this in Los Angeles is there?" She spread out the blanket and sat down. She patted it and I sat down beside her.

"Maybe. I didn't get out much," I told her.

She was sitting with her legs crossed, playing with a blade of grass. I mirrored her.

"Are you hungry?" She asked. "I just got some fruit. Nothing big…"

I shrugged. "I can eat something," I told her. I wasn't that hungry but I needed to eat and I knew that.

She pulled out some grapes. "Grapes were always my favorite fruit." she smiled, popping one in her mouth.

I took one and ate it too. She'd left me a wonderful opening. "I would've said you liked to eat berries," I tried.

She started coughing roughly, as her eyes got super wide. I was terrified she was choking.

"Oh my god," I jumped up about to perform the Heimlich maneuver. "I don't know how to really do this but I've seen it on TV…" I was panicked and wrapped my arms around her while I was speaking. Just wrap your arms around her back I told myself. And then in and up? Or was it up and in? I got on my knees so I could brace myself.

She started laughing. Like guffawing. And that meant she could breathe. Which meant she wasn't choking and… "Oh my god, Rachel. You totally win. Seriously."

"Don't do that!" I squealed. "I thought you were choking!" I hadn't let her go. I tried to control my breathing. "Holy shit, Quinn." I breathed out. I was so glad she was breathing I couldn't even think.

She started laughing again. "And you cursed." She was having a grand old time at the fact that I was hyperventilating behind her. She pulled my arms so that I was holding her tighter and fell forward a bit, pulling me with her.

"Let me go," I huffed. "I could've like… broken your ribs or something."

That just set her off more and she let go of my arms and rolled onto her back giggling like a maniac.

I crossed my arms and stared at her. "You look ridiculous," I muttered. She had freaking tears in her eyes.

"Oh my god," she breathed, trying to control herself. "You won, Rachel. You're the one that said 'eat berries.' Like…" She was hysterical.

I felt my lips curl up in a small smile even though I was trying to be angry. I kept crossing and uncrossing my arms. I decided a pout was the smartest thing. She sat up on her elbows and stared at my lip, quirking her eyebrow.

"How many things has that lip gotten you out of?" She questioned. She was smirking at herself. "Do the big eyes too," she commanded.

"Big eyes?" I asked her. I was full on Rachel Berry super pout now. Big eyes? What was she talking about? How was I supposed to 'do' eyes?

Her smile got bigger. "That's amazing. You've got like comic book big eyes."

I narrowed them out her. "You're digging a mighty big hole, Fabray," I said. If I were standing up, I would've stomped.

She popped up on her hands and knees faster than I thought even she was capable of. She looked at me like she was hungry. I started to rethink that eat berries comment. "The pout is seriously like…" She leaned over and took my bottom lip in her mouth.

I was not expecting that.

I fell backwards and she fell on top of me. She sucked my lip in her mouth and I felt like I was melting. She pulled away, but stayed hovering above me. I watched her famous little eyebrow do its dance as she stared at my mouth. "It does stuff to me," she whispered, sitting back just as quickly.

I was still lying down. I put my fingers to my lip. I knew my eyes were hooded cause I could feel how heavy they were. She was just eating those stupid grapes again with a big stupid grin on her stupid face and… "Ugh," I muttered, sitting up dramatically as I could manage when I couldn't feel half my body.

She wasn't facing me now, but I saw that smirk. She cut her eyes sideways. "I cannot believe you are still pouting," she said.

I crossed my arms, and try to will my stupid traitorous mouth to stop. It was not listening. "You're a tease. I can't believe _that_."

That caused her to turn around. "Are you kidding me? I'm a tease… Nope." She studied my face. "You're totally serious." She bent over and kissed my nose. "You're kinda adorable."

"Ugh," I said again. I couldn't cross my arms tighter. "Kind of?" I was on a roll.

She took my hands and unfolded my arms. This time she fell backwards and pulled me on top of her. She put my hands on her shoulders and then tickled my sides.

I fought to keep from laughing, but couldn't help myself. I fell on top of her giggling. "You know that's not fair," I whispered.

She raised my head and winked at me. I propped on my elbows on top of her. "I love to see you smile," she said.

I tried to hide it. It was crazy how she could go from playful to… just utterly adorable in two seconds. "Why are you so pretty?" I asked her.

She looked away rolling her eyes. "And crazy and…"

"No, silly. Pretty." I looked in her eyes. They were hazel. But green. They changed. I was never really sure. More green than gold but more gold than normal and… "Eliza had eyes those eyes," I said softly.

Her smile drifted quickly. I knew it took her breath when I said that and I felt immediately bad about.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

She shook her head before I could go on. "No… I just… wow." She pulled me to her. I rested my head on her chest. She was running her hands up and down my back.

"Did I make you uncomfortable?" I asked. That wasn't my intention obviously and I hated that I'd ruined the moment.

"No," she said quickly. She squeezed me to her again. "I love you," she whispered sweetly. "I would've loved her." She kissed the side of my head.

"I know you would have." I sighed. Not heavy, not heavy, not heavy. But I needed her to know… "So your mom said something to me about how if it would've worked out for us… everything else… and not that she believed in fate but…" I didn't know what I was saying.

She nodded against me anyway. "I get that. I wouldn't trade it either."

I rose up a bit. "Really?"

She looked surprised that I'd even asked. "Of course not. She was your one perfect thing, Rach." She was smiling. She kissed my lips softly. "I'm so happy you had her."

I didn't want her to be upset. "Me too," I answered simply. "Sometimes something good can come out of something horrible."

She raised her eyebrow in question.

"When you had your accident it was horrible," I explained. "And I feel terrible that I benefited from it."

She sat up completely straight and I watched my words playing in her head. She seemed confused. "How's that?"

"I just mean if you had made it to courthouse, well…" I wasn't explaining this well. It was like I was saying, 'Hey Quinn, thanks for having an accident because I am impatient. Also that paralyzed thing. All that kept me from making a huge mistake and marrying Finn Hudson and staying in Ohio.' I shook my head. "It was just… my life changed. A lot. For the better." I sighed. "I feel stupid even saying that. I'm sorry."

She shook head. "No. Don't. My life changed too you know. Also for the better." She smiled at me.

"I guess it's the same thing. I don't mean anything bad but… Eliza's death brought you here. You're kind of like a gift in light of everything."

Her eyes shined. "I'm not sure I deserve that."

I eyed her. She was way too hard on herself. It was unhealthy. "Well I am." I smiled at her. "You make me feel like I'm…" I sighed, trying to think of what to say. "…living?" I asked her. I wasn't sure it was the right word. And I wasn't sure why I was asking her.

She lay back on the blanket and shielded her eyes from the sun. "Before I moved to Los Angeles…" she started. She wasn't looking at me really. Just sort of around me. "I don't know how to say this…" she finally settled on. "Or even if I should…"

I was sitting up, facing her. Even if she wouldn't look at me, I wanted to look at her. "Sometimes people think that because something horrible happened to me that I shouldn't know about what other people are going through or whatever. I think that's silly. I also think that I haven't always been a good listener, but I definitely want to try. So if you need to tell me something… I would like to hear it."

She turned her head, still shielding her eyes from the sun. She was looking at me though. She studied my face and I assumed she was trying to decide whether or not to tell me.

I decided to just wait and let her speak. I could be silent if I needed to be.

* * *

_Brittany rolled over and noticed her phone ringing. She had just gotten back to Los Angeles the night before and had only been asleep for four hours. She almost turned back over and went back to sleep but she noticed the area code of the unknown caller and curiosity got the better of her._

_She always figured that was because she was half cat or something._

_"Hello," she cheerily answered. There was no reason not to be polite. The person calling didn't know she'd been sleeping._

_"Brittany. Hi, um… this is Judy Fabray. Quinn's mother."_

_The blonde girl shot up in bed. "Mrs. Fabray?" She asked. "Is something wrong?"_

_She'd been out of high school for five years. She kept in touch with some people but not everybody. And she'd lost contact with Q a couple of years ago. _

_"I'm so sorry to bother you. But I saw your mother a few months ago and she said you lived in California. I didn't know who else to call because when Tabitha called me… I don't know anyone else out there. I just…" She sighed and slowed her breathing. Her voice was definitely pitched and it made Brittany's stomach lurch. _

_"Is it Quinn?" Brittany asked. She'd heard Quinn finished her degree at Yale and was working on another one at Stanford. She knew she was in California. She'd planned to get her number when she had some free time and call her. She just hadn't had any free time._

_"Her roommate, Tabitha, or she's more like her friend that's…" She sighed again. "She's her girlfriend I think," Judy rushed out. _

_Brittany nodded. "Sure," she prompted._

_"You know that Quinn is gay?" She asked, clearly surprised._

_"Yeah," Brittany answered her. She didn't explain that she'd known forever. Q told her a few years ago but Britt had always known. It just wasn't her business to tell people things they didn't want to admit about themselves._

_"Well Tabitha called and said that Quinn was not doing well. I don't know why. She said that that she wanted to call the police," she whispered as if she were describing a detailed crime of some sort._

_"I think she's drinking. A lot. She just got back from New York. Brittany, she starts her doctorate next semester. She was so excited about it. But ever since she got back from New York, she's been… when I talk to her… I don't understand. I called her last night after Tabitha called me… she was crying and she said that she didn't want to live. I can't get either of them on the phone and I am trying to get a plane out but I don't even know where to go when I get there. I have her address but…" Brittany could tell she was close to tears._

_"I can go," Brittany said. "If you give me her address." She grabbed her computer and looked up the distance. It was six hours in good traffic. She got up and started a pot of coffee._

_"Is it far?" Judy whispered._

_"Nah," Brittany answered. _

_"Okay," Judy breathed out a sigh of relief. "I can text you her address. I don't know what to say. I'm just so glad…"_

_"No problem, Judy," Brittany said brightly. "I'll call you tonight."_

* * *

_Twenty minutes later, Brittany got in her car and started the six-hour drive to Stanford. Her phone guided her straight to Quinn's house. _

_When she pulled in the driveway she noticed the front door was ajar. Shutting off the engine and getting out of the car, she stopped suddenly when she heard yelling. _

_"Fuck you!" Someone was screaming. B didn't recognize her voice. "Get out of my house! Get your stuff and get out!" She heard something smash and shatter and she ran._

_A girl about five one was standing about ten feet away from the door when Brittany ran inside. She was holding a vase like she was using it to protect herself. Brittany scanned the room for Quinn and found her standing in the far corner of the hallway. Her eyes were wild. She grabbed a frame off the wall and threw it across the room. She didn't say a word and just grabbed something else. Neither of them noticed Brittany._

_"I'm not scared of you!" The little brunette yelled, shaking. Brittany figured she was definitely lying. There was no way she couldn't have been scared. Case in point, she was backing up._

_"Quinn," Brittany said like it was the most natural thing in the world. Both girls spun around and noticed the tall blonde standing in the doorway then. "I think you need to come with me." She moved passed the shaking woman and kept her eyes on Quinn. "You're super scary right now."_

_Quinn was so shocked at seeing Brittany she dropped the figurine she'd picked up. That made Brittany feel better at least. She didn't want to get knocked upside the head with something that looked suspiciously like a glass question mark. She figured there was some irony there._

_Brittany kept her eyes on Q but spoke to the girl. "Hi, I'm Brittany. I'm Q's friend from Lima. Her mom called me and so here I am. She's going with me now. I guess she probably is going to have to move out huh?" She asked._

_"I don't… I mean…"Tabitha faltered then._

_"Q?" Brittany asked her. "Do you need to be here?" She was giving her that look that told her she knew more than she pretended. _

_Quinn couldn't ignore it. "No," she whispered harshly. _

_"'kay," she nodded. "So can you go get her some stuff so she can come back to mine? It's really kinda far so pack her enough for like two weeks or something. And then if you can find someone to help you pack the rest of it, I'll pay for it." She caught the girl's eyes quickly. She was afraid to take her eyes off Quinn for too long._

_Tabitha nodded and hurried out of the room. Quinn moved to follow her. Brittany held up her hand. "No. Let her. You go wait in my car. Don't go anywhere else. I mean it. I am tired and I came here cause your mom was really upset but…" she frowned. "I don't wanna look for you."_

_"Why did you come?" Quinn spat out._

_"Cause I love you," Brittany answered, moving past her. "Go wait. I'll be out there in a minute."_

_To be honest, Brittany wasn't sure Quinn Fabray would listen to her. But she did._

* * *

_It took Brittany and Quinn's girlfriend fifteen minutes to pack her things. Brittany made sure to grab all of her electronics and any books she thought she'd need. Tabitha was crying next to her._

_"I love her," she whispered, zipping Quinn's makeup bag. _

_Brittany hummed but didn't really reply. She wasn't sure why she loved her. She'd seen her fair share of unhealthy relationships though._

_"She's been like this for the last week. She just sat here and drank. She's drunk everything. Ever since she went to that conference with her professor in New York. I thought she maybe slept with her or something but…" she handed the bag to Brittany before continuing. "She's really running from something that I have never understood. I thought she was going to hit me last night. She was so drunk she just kept asking 'Why?' I don't understand…"_

_Brittany nodded. She knew who was in New York. "Did she do anything? Besides go to her conference or whatever?"_

_That got the girl's attention. "She attended a show or something. A musical? I found the ticket stub. It was in an envelope in her bag. When she saw me holding it she threw a bottle across the room…"_

_Brittany sighed. "Okay," she said slowly, shouldering all the bags. "Thanks for helping me." She put her free hand on the girl's shoulder. "You seem sweet. I don't know much about how long you've been together or whatever but…" She frowned. "Move on, okay? Cause…" She didn't finish. "I know Q's like this beautiful tragic girl and people wanna fix her, you know? Lots of people have tried but there's really only one person that can." She smiled sadly._

_"You?" The young woman asked through tears._

_Brittany shook her head. "No. Not me." She smiled at her again. "Thank you," she said again, hugging the girl. _

* * *

_They drove in silence for a few hours. Brittany stopped and bought them both a cup of coffee because she figured they could use the caffeine. She was a little spooked that Quinn hadn't spoke but she figured the girl hadn't changed that much and decided to just let her be._

_It wasn't until they were half way back to Los Angeles that the silence got to Quinn._

_"I saw her," she whispered, looking out the window. _

_Brittany nodded. She'd assumed as much._

_"I made up my mind. I was going to talk to her after her show. Do you know how long I've waited to see her? I waited. For two hours, I waited. She came out with this… she was with someone. A man. I don't know who he was. God she looked ridiculously beautiful. And so fucking happy. It was… I just ran off. Like a scared little bitch, B. I just ran." She continued staring. _

_"Okay," Brittany replied. _

_Quinn hadn't expected anything more. "I cannot believe I'm this fucked up," she murmured. _

_"You really can't be. Like you're gonna just have to stop and do you. Cause that was kinda crazy and scary. And that girl, Tabitha, she even kinda looked like her. That's weird, Q. Really weird." _

_Quinn dismissed that comment with her hand. _

_"I'm glad your mom called me," Brittany continued. "I've missed you."_

_Quinn nodded at that and closed her eyes._

* * *

_Quinn was able to finish her master's degree from Los Angeles. She applied and was accepted to USC. Brittany cancelled her tour._

_She talked the girl into getting help. Therapy worked but… Quinn needed a way to channel her anger. So she and Brittany started taking classes. They started out with simple self-defense. Moved into mixed martial arts. When Brittany's career really began to pick up, she had to forgo a lot of them. Quinn continued. She liked the release and it kept her from doing something stupid and destructive._

_For the first year it was difficult. The second year though, got easier. She finished her doctorate early and was offered a job almost immediately at several different universities across the country._

_She chose UCLA because of Brittany._

_Every once in a while she slipped. There was the day they'd seen the photograph of Santana and Rachel. And the day that Brittany found the article about Rachel in the _New York Post_. But she'd stopped drinking so much and she channeled her anger in constructive ways. Usually at the gym. Most of the time with a punching bag._

_She worked. She had a few friends but she kept busy and liked to be alone. Even so, she went on a few dates and she found herself thinking less about Rachel. No relationship really lasted that long though because they always complained about the same thing. 'She was too closed off,' or 'she was always busy.' She'd shrugged off the rejection. She'd suffered through worse._

_It worried Brittany but Quinn was content. She worked out. She read. B knew she wasn't what someone could define as happy... but she was okay. She figured for a person like Q that was really enough._

_However, when Rachel's daughter died, Brittany felt a dread she hadn't felt in a really long time. She knew Quinn was going to spiral. She often found her staring a picture of the little girl but she never really talked about it. In fact, they hadn't really discussed Rachel that much. Only those few times. And Santana even less._

_Still, Brittany knew what would happen. It scared her. She was really worried about both Rachel and San. But she was really, really worried about Quinn. _

* * *

Quinn rarely talked as much as she just had. I knew she was embarrassed about a lot of it honestly. I was humbled that she'd told me. Even if she'd hid her face half the time.

I couldn't say it didn't hurt that she had been doing well until Eliza's accident. I knew that it wasn't anyone's fault but I still felt unrealistically guilty about it.

The part about the girlfriend had me interested but I didn't want to dwell on it. She had been completely honest with me and I didn't want to undermine that. I wondered about the man she'd seen me with. I had no idea who it could've been and that said a lot. I figured telling her that wouldn't help, so I didn't.

"So Britt's kinda been my rock, I guess. She's your Santana but less with the violent outburst and verbal assholeness." She smirked at me. She screwed up her face then. "Or maybe you're her Britt." She nodded as she said it. "Of course you are."

I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think anyone can be Brittany but Brittany."

She was still lying down when I finally lay down on my back beside her. I scooted my head over so that it was resting on her shoulder. "I want to go back to Los Angeles," I said, after I'd settled myself. I turned my head a little to the side so I could see her.

She nodded. "We can go whenever you like," she smiled. She turned to face me as well. "My mom wants to come back with us."

I nodded against her shoulder. "I think that's great. Your mother has been amazing these last few days. And my dads really like her. She worries about you too. She just wants you to be happy, I think." Or I knew. I might not have been a mother as long as Judy Fabray and my daughter may be gone, but you can't unforget things. Happiness was really all we wanted. I'd give anything to see Eliza smile when she was sad. There was no way Judy didn't feel the same way.

She laughed. "We might harm each other living together. I think I'd have to find her a house. Clear fucking across town."

I knew she was joking but I shrugged. "I have a huge house."

She narrowed her eyes at this. "Are you insane?"

"Probably," I smiled. I didn't tell her that if Judy was there, I knew that it meant Quinn would be around. She couldn't stay away from her mother if she was in the same city. And having Judy stay with me… she had a calm about her that I sort of liked. She knew I was sad and that was okay.

She rolled over on her side so that she was facing me and put her arm around my waist. I felt her kiss my cheek.

I turned my head back to her. "Should we do this?" I asked her.

"Do what? Have a picnic?" She teased back.

"How is this a picnic? There's no food." I laughed at the face she made. "Unless you count the grapes that almost gave me a heart attack."

"I bought other food," she scoffed.

"What?" I asked her suspiciously.

"Strawberries," she muttered, rolling her eyes as soon as she said it.

"I knew it!" I squealed. I giggled beside her.

She rolled back and crossed her arms, huffing. "Ha ha ha," she deadpanned.

I turned so that I could roll on top of her. The move startled her and she was staring into my eyes with a weird look on her face.

I bent over and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her. When I pulled away finally, she was smiling slightly. I realized I suddenly loved when her eyes smiled too. I sat up so that I was sitting on her waist, my knees on either side of her hips.

She rested her hands on my thighs. "I guess I hedged on the question you asked, huh?"

I shrugged. "I don't even know what 'this' actually is. Much less if we should be doing it." I bent over and kissed her again before sitting up. "I just know I like it."

She nodded. I watched her chest rise and fall with each breath. "I feel guilty that I'm happy."

I thought about that. "Why?"

"Because it's not fair." She answered me. She was serious.

"You feel guilty for a lot of things that aren't you fault. I wish you'd stop that." I tried pouting. "If I asked you to stop that, do you think you could?"

She stared at my bottom lip. "I could try," she offered, still watching my mouth.

"Good enough," I smiled, and plopped down on top of her. I put my head on her chest and fought a sigh when she wrapped her arms around my back again. "Can we just live here? Maybe no one will find us…"

"I'm not really that good at hunting and gathering, Rach. But…" She squeezed me closer.

I kissed the hollow of her throat. "Do you know that you smell like Jasmine? I've been looking for that perfume since high school. What do you wear? It drove me crazy that I could never find it."

She stopped rubbing my back. "I don't wear perfume."

My stomach did that tiny flip again. It was amazing that she could make my stomach flip. I nuzzled my nose into her neck. "I know we can't live here," I finally said. "But can we just stay here for a while? Will you just hold me?"

She nodded and began running her hands up and down my back again. I'd said it before, but she made me feel safe.

I didn't know if that was love. Maybe it wasn't. But it was close. And close… close was good right now.

We could figure the rest out later.

* * *

**I have a lot of reviews to answer. I'll try to get to them all this weekend.**

**The person who left a review with the username "Ugh" was awesome though. Ha. Sorry if some of you are/were frustrated. But "Ugh"... awesome! **


	16. Chapter 16

**Weird shifts in POV lie ahead. Go with it. Or don't, I guess.**

* * *

Chapter 16

Judy watched the two men assemble the light-stands in the living room. She had no idea the work that went into all of this. It was tiring just to watch. And anxiety inducing. She knew that her anxiety most likely stemmed from more than just the strangers running around the living room, but she chose to ignore that part of it.

She took a drink of water and closed her eyes. She didn't understand how people ever got used to this lifestyle. It seemed so busy, so… unrefined. Of course everyone was civil, but… her nerves were close to shot. She briefly considered fixing herself something stronger than water, but dismissed the idea. It wasn't the right time to drink. But later…

When Rachel Berry had offered her a room in her home until she found something more suitable, Judy had graciously accepted. Rachel's property backed onto the ocean and she had a beautiful view, a sprawling pool, and a pool house that currently housed the young woman's two fathers. Judy was excited about living in Los Angeles and being near her daughter, but she was no fool. Quinn's lack of décor, her tendency to throw clothes on the floor of whatever room she was currently occupying, and her imposed 'silent-time, Mom. That means no talking' left Judy exhausted. Rachel's offer seemed like a way to escape being rude and hurting Quinn's feelings.

She'd intended to stay with Rachel and the Berrys until she found a suitable home. That was almost two months ago. Rachel had scoffed and pouted every time they'd visited any open properties. She would remark that her house was empty. Lonely. She pretended to guilt the woman into staying. Judy let her pretend. She hadn't really wanted to leave. So they'd all gone through the motions of finding Judy somewhere to live even with the knowledge she wasn't going anywhere.

When Santana had started her new job, Judy was extremely worried about Rachel. She admired the relationship the two women had, strange as it was. Santana's practice and hospital were closer to the city though, and living with Rachel was not feasible. There was a moment when Judy feared that Santana living so far away (almost thirty minutes most days) would cause Rachel to spiral. She was pleasantly surprised when Rachel persevered.

Her daughter… her daughter was something more confusing. Her worry there stemmed more from the sheer magnitude with which Quinn had changed. If asked, Judy would say it wasn't a bad change. And it wasn't. Quinn was content. She spent a large amount of her time at Rachel's home. Her current professional situation allowed her the freedom to work from almost anywhere. Judy knew that by her living with Rachel, it gave Quinn the excuse she needed to be there as well. She let her pretend.

Since the day Quinn had come to Lima with Rachel, Judy had known just how deep her feelings for Rachel ran. She was afraid to address those feeling most times. Quinn wasn't embarrassed and would even discuss them if prompted by her mother, but Judy was more concerned about the reciprocation than anything else.

It wasn't that the woman doubted Rachel's feelings for her daughter. She definitely didn't. Rachel was a trusting and loving soul by nature. She had an inherent need to care for others and it was at the very least one of the most admirable qualities about her. Unfortunately, Rachel was suffering through a loss so heavy it made Judy's heart ache. Everyday was a struggle. Even if no one else saw it.

Easing back into life after a tragedy was probably the most difficult part. People, time, everything really moved on. Even if you wanted it to stop. Those around Rachel couldn't ignore their lives outside of her forever. They were young. They were professional. They had responsibilities.

Of course, Rachel never expected nor wanted that. She would often complain about the amount of attention she was getting. She didn't like that their lives were 'put on hold' for her. But the way that Judy and the Berrys saw it… they'd had those lives. Those responsibilities. Those professions. Let the young ones do it. They were happy to be with Rachel.

And for some reason, unbeknownst to Judy Fabray, Rachel seemed to welcome their presence.

* * *

_The Following_, Rachel's last movie filmed before the accident, was set to be released soon after Eliza's death. Due to a somewhat surprising move by the studio however, the release was pushed back for a couple of months.

However, a movie starring Hollywood's Tragic Princess couldn't stay shelved forever. And the release began to loom in the proverbial future. No one expected Rachel to actually market the film. She wasn't asked. She barely even mentioned it or its release.

So no one was more surprised than Judy and the Berrys when Rachel informed them that she would be doing an upcoming interview ahead of the release.

"They're coming next Friday," Rachel told them. She was sitting on the couch, her legs crossed behind her.

"Who are _they_?" Hiram asked. He tried to hide the nervousness in his voice.

"ABC," Rachel explained. "Evening News. They're sending Mary Franco." Her voice was level.

"You don't have to do this, honey," Leroy told her. "No one expects you to…"

Rachel held up her hand. "It was my idea. I know Mary. She was one of the first women to interview me when she was on the local news in New York. I've always liked her and she's extremely professional. She's obviously more successful now, but…" she frowned. "She knows me and I am not worried about talking to her."

Judy refrained from speaking. She watched the defensive walls, Rachel had as of late perfected, start to rise up. Arguing with the woman would be silly.

"I haven't told San. Or the others," she hinted, looking at Judy. "I'd like them to not know. Not yet. They're all working or out of town Friday so I thought…" she didn't need to finish.

Quinn was leaving for New Orleans on Monday. Her research into reading strategies for struggling adolescents had led her to a certain school in the city's parish. She was going to be gone until the following Monday. Brittany was leaving for a two-week tour on the east coast. Judy knew Santana scheduled surgeries for the second and fourth Fridays. Kurt was in New York for the next two weeks.

"Whose idea was this?" Judy finally asked. She wasn't going to argue with Rachel. She never did. She just wanted to make sure no one was pressuring her into doing something she wasn't ready to do.

"Mine," Rachel said firmly. "I promise," she added, smiling softly at the woman.

In the end, they'd relented and agreed to keep the interview a secret. There was really no chance they wouldn't have.

And that's how Judy Fabray found herself standing in Rachel's living room wishing she had a drink.

She frowned at Leroy when the crew had their backs turned.

He nodded softly back. He turned to a young man setting up the cameras. "When does this run again?" He asked for the fifth time.

"Monday night," the man smiled.

God willing, Quinn will still be in the air, Judy prayed. If she wasn't… she didn't want to finish the thought. She just fought the urge to pour herself a scotch and took another drink of water.

* * *

Monday morning Hiram turned on the television. _ "Good Evening. Tonight on the ABC Evening News our Mary Franco sits down with Rachel Berry to discuss her new film _The Following, _her life in Hollywood, and the recent and tragic circumstances surrounding her, including the untimely death of the starlet's only daughter not three months ago."_

"Holy shit!" Hiram screamed uncharacteristically. "We forgot about promos!"

Judy Fabray turned off her phone. Stupid Hollywood.

* * *

The first person to call me this morning was Q. I had just gotten to the office when my phone buzzed.

"Turn on the TV," she breathed out like she'd been running.

"I'm walking into my office," I muttered. "I don't have a television attached to my sunglasses." I thought that might actually be a good invention though. I should look into….

"Turn on the TV when you get to your office," she muttered, clearly exasperated.

"What channel?" I asked back. She acted like there was only one or something. I waved at my receptionist and made my way to my inside.

"Ugh. Just hold on." I felt my phone buzz. "Check the link." She offered.

I put her on speakerphone. She'd sent me a link to the ABC website. I dropped the fucking phone. "Are you shitting me?" I asked.

"Why are you yelling?" She asked back.

I picked up the phone and took it off speaker. "I dropped the phone."

"I've been calling them all morning," she rushed out. "All of their goddamn phones are off."

I pulled up the website on my desktop. "Franco," I said.

"What?" Quinn asked.

"Mary Franco. Rachel's always had a thing for her." I offered. I realized instantly what I said when I heard her sharp intake of breath. "No," I rushed out. "Not like that, whore. I just mean… she and Rach were friends or something in New York. She's done several interviews with her."

"Oh," Q answered softly. "Why do you think she hid this from us?"

I sighed. "Good fucking question." I had no clue. "What time does it come on?" I asked.

"Six," she answered.

"What time you get back?"

"Five if my flight is on time." She sounded tired. I felt sorry for her. So what? I'd grown.

"I get off at five. Doesn't give us enough time to get over there," I told her. Traffic was a bitch on Monday afternoon.

"Maybe we shouldn't…" she finally said. "...I mean watch it with her. She obviously didn't tell us for a reason."

She was right. "Meet me at yours." Her house was half way between the airport and my office. Hopefully we could get there in time.

"Okay," she muttered.

I let her go and called Brittany. She had no clue about it either but she wasn't really surprised. Kurt was.

I tried Rachel about five times on the phone between appointments. I'm sure Q did as well. I tried both the Berrys. Q probably blew her mother's phone the fuck up. None of them answered.

* * *

I pulled into her driveway at five fifty. She was getting out of her car at the same time. "You talked to them?" She asked me as she shut her door. She shouldered her bag and moved to find her keys.

I took them from her and opened the door. "Nope."

"I tried my mom again. She's totally turned her phone off. I'm just a little too pissed off about that." She sat her bag down and turned on the television. "You think this was Sydney's idea?"

Sydney was Rach's manager. She was… well better than the last one. But… she was still in the business. And one of the few things Q and I consistently agreed on… people in the business tended to be fucking shady as shit.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't see Rachel doing an interview if she doesn't want to. Plus it's Franco, so…"

She grabbed a beer from the fridge and handed it to me before getting herself one. She raised an eyebrow at my comment. "Why have I never heard of her?"

"I don't know. I haven't finished cataloguing all of Rach's friends and acquaintances for you?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"You're an ass," she muttered around her beer.

"Whatever. I mean Rach sorta fell off the map socially after all this. Mary sent a gift and a card. And I think Rachel talked to her a few times." I noticed the jealousy rearing its ugly head. "Ain't like that," I clarified. "I'm just saying… she trusts the chick."

"Do you trust her?" She asked; her lips were pursed.

"I don't particularly trust much of anyone but I mean… I wouldn't like run this woman over with my car or anything." I was telling the truth. I'd only met the woman a half a dozen times or so and it was usually professionally related or whatever but… she'd seemed to genuinely like Rachel. And respect her. Which was way more important.

"It's on," she whispered.

We both turned to the television.

* * *

_The interview started with a panned shot of the ocean from outside Rachel's house. Franco's voiceover narrated. "Rachel Berry. Hollywood's Little Princess. The name most of America associated with the Broadway, turned film, actress." _

_The film transitioned to photographs of Rachel on Broadway followed by candid shots of her in and around L.A. "Rachel was considered what the professionals called 'old school.' She was a fan's actress. The paparazzi loved her. The public worshipped her. She lived a life most of us could only dream about."_

_The camera transitioned again to a shot of Rachel holding her daughter. It was obviously a professional photograph. But the naturalness of it added a level of sweet tragedy. "And then, one Saturday morning, Rachel Berry's dream shattered. Her world, her life, everything that others envied, broke apart. That morning, Rachel's young daughter, two-year-old Eliza Berry, was killed in a tragic accident that took the lives of ten others. That morning, Rachel Berry became the Tragic Princess. And that morning the world forgot how to envy her."_

_Rachel had chosen a simple pair of blue jeans and a soft purple blouse for the interview. The make up artists had given her a soft glow and her hair had been styled gently around her face. She was sitting on her living room couch and Mary Franco was sitting in the chair next to her. _

_"Thank you having us in your home, Rachel," Mary smiled sweetly. _

_Rachel had always liked Mary. She wasn't ruthless or arrogant. She and Rachel had formed a tentative friendship while she lived in New York that had carried over to her time in Los Angeles. They respected each other. Mary loved that Rachel had remained humble. Rachel loved that Mary remained gracious. She couldn't fathom sitting down, doing this, with anyone else. _

_"Thank you for being here, Mary. It really is good to see you," Rachel smiled back. _

_Mary nodded, professionally and amiably. "Los Angeles is really different than New York. Does it feel like home?"_

_Rachel thought about the question for a brief second. She'd been given the questions beforehand so she wasn't exactly surprised. She did, however, know how to give an interview. "It's getting there," Rachel offered. "The beach definitely helps," she added lightly._

_"Let's talk about your new film, _The Following_. Critics have said it's your best work yet. In it, you play a rather," she quirked her eyebrow and pretended to think. "…unstable, shall we say... woman? Was that difficult?"_

_"Every role I take is difficult in its own right," Rachel answered. "Cecelia, that's my character," she added. "Cecelia suffers from some serious intense demons though."_

_Mary nodded. "She's a cult leader," she said, matter-of-factly. _

_Rachel nodded back. "Amongst other things. She's a woman who's caused as many problems as she's been victim of. It's the American obsession, isn't it? The antihero. Cecelia is the antihero. She's tragic, but she's flawed."_

_"Those who have seen it said the cinematography is almost a complete juxtaposition to Cecelia's struggle. That the film has an airy appeal that shocks the viewer when they realize the magnitude of what is occurring."_

_Rachel looked thoughtful. "Juxtaposition is a good word. It was a bold move. Films like this tend to be dark. Moody. I think the beauty, at least for the director, was in the tragedy. He highlighted that in the filming."_

_Mary nodded. For the next five minutes they spoke about the film, the director and other things related to the upcoming release. The program broke for commercial break. When it returned, Mary and Rachel were walking on the beach outside of her house. It was close to sunset. _

_The voiceover continued. "The question on many people's mind is definitely 'how is the star dealing with her daughter's death?' For someone who never shunned the limelight, the death of Rachel's daughter cast a dark shadow over her life. She's not spoken about the tragedy until tonight."_

_The television cut to Rachel and Mary back in her living room. Mary started with a simple question. "How are you'?"_

_Rachel let a small frown cross her lips. It wasn't an act. "Some days are better than others," she answered. "You have to honestly live by clichés, really. One day at a time. Life goes on. That sort of thing."_

_Mary gave a small smile at her answer. "Can you talk about it?" Her voice was light. Sweet._

_Rachel nodded very slightly. "Yes. I've learned to. Talking about it doesn't exactly help, but it doesn't hurt either. I just try to gauge most days by ear really. Is it going to be a good day? Can I remember her without breaking down?"_

_Mary frowned and Rachel realized she was genuinely sad. It made the interview easier. "It's the sort of thing…" she hesitated before supplying the necessary reporter information. "…the death of a child… that most people fear more than anything in the world. Is there a way to find some sort of acceptance?"_

_Rachel sighed. "No. Not really. I mean, like I said, it's one day and then another. But you don't really accept it. You live with it." She frowned again. "It's like losing a limb maybe. I think, if you're born without one, you aren't going to miss it. But if it's taken from you, you just have to learn to adjust or you won't survive it. Nothing is ever going to be the same."_

_Mary nodded but didn't speak. Rachel knew she was supposed to continue._

_"I feel like…" she paused. "I feel like someone pulled a curtain over my world. Maybe a sheer curtain? It's there, but I can see through it. Everything is just a bit duller than it used to be. Sometimes, I can't see anything. Sometimes… rarely… I forget it's there. But normally it just hides the brightness."_

_Mary nodded again. "In what ways are you learning to deal with those differences?"_

_"Trial and error mostly. Sometimes I momentarily forget about it. That makes it harder when I remember." She frowned at Mary again. "I lay in bed some nights trying to remember what her lips felt like when she kissed my cheek. Or what she sounded like when she giggled. I've found myself, in the middle of the night, looking for some photograph we took somewhere or trying to find a toy she liked or…" she stopped and looked away. "It's a lot of remembering. It's painful."_

_"Why did you agree to this interview?" Franco asked. She'd warned Rachel that she was going to ask the question. It had given her enough time to prepare. _

_Rachel still took her time. "I don't know really. I guess… I mean what happened was horrible and I've not dealt well," she said softly. "But, I'm not the first parent to lose a child and I won't be the last. I think that maybe if someone saw this…" She shook her head. She wasn't going with her prepared answer. If the interviewer in front of her could tell (she could) she obviously didn't let on. "People treat me like I'm going to break. My family. My friends. Strangers. Everyone looks at me with these sad, doleful eyes. It's pity. I don't really want pity." Her eyes were shining._

_Mary frowned slightly. "Do you think that's a natural reaction? Sympathy?"_

_Rachel nodded. "Of course it is. Sympathy is a human emotion. I just…" She twisted her head to the side. "I found a support group. It's simple. But it's for people like me. People who've lost children." Rachel made eye contact with her fathers who were off screen standing next to Judy. _

_Rachel had been going every Monday night to have 'dinner' with Brittany. At least that was what everyone thought. Brittany would pick her up at five and bring her home around nine. No one had questioned it._

_"I have a friend who goes with me. That helps as well. She's maybe the only person I know that is okay with letting me be sad. She doesn't want to fix me." Rachel shook her head and realized she was getting off topic. "Anyway… this group… it helps. And I've been able to talk about it with others who understand. And slowly… well the curtain is getting more sheer." She sighed. "We're all the sum of our parts, aren't we?"_

_Mary nodded. She'd always found Rachel to be thoughtful and tonight was no exception. She didn't want to interrupt._

_"Well… I think that my daughter's death is a part of my whole. Admittedly it's a large part and one that has changed me. But in the end, I'm still Rachel Berry. So if anyone sees this tonight… anyone who has experienced loss recently… maybe it can give them a little… not hope," she faltered for a second. "I don't know… understanding. There's a difference between sympathy and empathy, Mary."_

_"What do you mean?" Mary asked._

_Rachel shrugged. "It's the cliché, isn't it? Life goes on."_

_Mary laughed softly and patted Rachel on her knee. "To be so tiny, you're really one of the biggest people I've ever met."_

_Rachel laughed with her. "I'm ignoring the tiny comment, Mary."_

_Mary raised an eyebrow at her. "So what's next?"_

_Rachel shrugged. "One day at a time, right?" She smiled softly._

* * *

From what I figured, we kinda sat there for about fifteen minutes after it aired not speaking. Lots of emotions were playing through my head. Guilt was right at the fucking top. Same set of emotions was playing across Q's face.

We just drank a couple of beers.

We both jumped out of our skin when my fucking phone rang. I grabbed it. It was B. I put her on speakerphone.

"Hey," she said, happily.

"Hi," we both answered at the same time.

She didn't mention Q being with me. She probably already knew with that spooky instinct she had.

"We watched it," I told her. I sat the phone on the coffee table between us.

"I saw it a couple of hours ago."

Of course she had. East coast time. We both moaned quietly cause she didn't bother to warn us but then again… why would she?

"You knew about this support group, B?" Quinn asked. She tried to hide the tinge of hurt she was probably feeling out of her voice.

"Yeah. She's been going for a while now. It's good. The people are really nice. They've got good coffee too." I loved to hear her voice when she wasn't here. It made me miss her in a good way. When she got back, I was always giddy. "What are you gonna do? Going over there?" There was nothing accusatory about her questions.

"We can't really get them on the phone or anything," I answered her. "Figured, based on that interview that she didn't even fucking mentioned that she's kinda over the both of us."

"That's stupid, San. She just didn't want you guys being there and hovering or whatever or trying to stop her. Which you both know you would've totally done. She said she didn't tell me cause she was afraid you'd get wind of it and then I'd have to tell you. She just didn't want me to worry about it though. She's cool like that."

Q sat up straighter. "You talked to her!?"

I could almost hear B physically nodding. "Yeah. At lunch."

"Her phone's been off," We both yelled.

B laughed. "Jinx," she squealed. "We always facetime at lunch. She never misses that."

"Britt," we both moaned.

"Jinx again!" She giggled.

"Brittany," Q started. "We both talked to you today. Why didn't you tell us that?"

"Uh… you didn't ask?" She offered.

"B…" I said.

"No way. You two need to stop. This isn't about you. Stop being all weird about me and Rach talking and being friends and not writing down our conversation schedule. Now you know why she didn't tell you about it. Cause she was totally right. You'd have cancelled your trip, Q. And you'd have cancelled your appointments, San. And Rach said that you both have kids and stuff that count on you. That would've totally been selfish." She had a singsong condescension to her voice. "She'll totally be okay with you two going over there and stuff though. Just don't be mad. Or sad. Or like do that stuff you do."

I raised my eyebrow at Q who was mirroring me.

"And stop with those looks you're giving each other. You know I'm right. Go over there. I can call her and tell her you're coming if you want?"

"Her phone is still off," Quinn offered. "How can you call her?"

"I'll just call her other phone," she explained.

"Britt!" We both yelled.

"Whoops," she whispered, realizing what she'd done. "Jinx times three! Gotta go," she said quickly, hanging up.

"You've got to be kidding me?" Q asked, standing up. "Other phone?"

I shook my head. That shit didn't really surprise me in the least. Rachel and Brittany had gotten really close. They were always doing something secret. In fact, lookie here, we found out about three of those said secrets today. "You can't be surprised by that?" I asked her.

She groaned. "Not at all."

I grabbed my keys. "Let's go," I said.

She nodded and followed me out.

* * *

Like I said earlier, traffic on Monday fucking sucked. It was still sucking at almost seven o'clock. We were at a fucking standstill and I had to fight the urge to beat the steering wheel.

"Why is traffic so shitty here?" I asked Q. "Where the fuck are all these people going?"

She looked at me like I was a moron. "Are you expecting an answer to that?"

I shrugged. I was really just filling the awkward ass silence that twin guilt had created. Whatever.

"Do you think we look at her with pity?" She asked. "I try to be understanding and not…" She trailed off.

"I don't fucking know," I answered. "Yes," I changed my mind and said. "We do. Cause we feel sorry for her and we want to fix her and…" I let out an exasperated breath.

She groaned. "What the fuck is wrong with us?" She muttered.

"I thought the two of you were…" I tried to frame my question carefully. Mostly to keep myself from choking on my own vomit. "…working on things?" I settled for.

"Be what she needs," is all she offered.

I nodded. When Q and Rach got back from their little foray into felony theft and whatever the hell else they did when they left that day, they were… different. I could be a bigger person now and admit that I wanted to cut Quinn's throat but that kinda changed when I saw Rach's face and it was… hell, I don't know… altered.

This shit was hard for me. I wasn't what fucking Rachel needed and I knew that. And Q was nuts about her… and just about everybody on the planet knew that. Brittany laid it all out when she told me I was stupid that day. Well… she said more than that but the gist was that I just let her wander back into our lives no problem… meanwhile I had a fucking deep vendetta against the other woman.

I did. Call it latent competition. Two alpha, uh… females, I guess… fighting for dominance. Truth was though, we wanted the same thing. For Rachel to be better. Get better.

* * *

_Quinn was pacing back in forth in front of her former… nemesis? Friend? Enemy? Frienemy? She didn't know what they were. Two former cheerleaders who needed to piss on their territory so that everyone knew they were in charge? That was probably the most accurate._

_Rachel had pulled her fathers and the others into the living the room to discuss going back to Los Angeles. Q cornered San before she could follow._

_"Say what you need to say." She told the girl. "Get it out of your system. I'm tired of it. And I don't wanna fight you."_

_Santana crossed her arms. She was ready for a spar but… Quinn's body language was off. She couldn't read her. "Where'd you guys go?" She settled on asking._

_Quinn told her about the pond. She left out some details because there was no reason to tell Santana everything. She just wanted Rachel to be comfortable around all of them. And that was never gonna happen if she and Santana couldn't get along. "Why do you have such a problem with all of this?"_

_It was a fucking valid question, Santana knew. She didn't feel it needed a spoken answer though so she just shrugged as nonchalantly as she could manage._

_Quinn sighed dramatically and put her hands on her hips. "Can we just agree to get along or not kill each other? I'm not gonna hurt her."_

_"I know you're not going to intentionally hurt her, Fabray. I'm not an idiot. I think you'd eat your own arm off before you did that." Santana answered her._

_Quinn flinched at the thought. "Well disgusting analogy aside, you're right."_

_"I'm jealous," She finally muttered. She realized she was speaking below a whisper, but Jesus Christ… at least she could say it._

_"I know," Quinn whispered just as softly back. _

_"Ugh," Santana moaned, throwing up her hands. "It's been my job for like ever or something. And then you swoop in and save the day like Super Fabray or some bullshit and I'm all sidelining it like a supporting character." She noticed Q smiling. "Oh my god. Stop fangirling cause I called you super. You're imagining yourself in spandex with a giant F on your chest, aren't you?"_

_Quinn tried to hide her smile. "Maybe." She shook her head. "We don't have to be in competition. Our end goals are completely different anyway. What's the point in fighting over something we can both have?"_

_Santana listened intently. She was imagining Q in the same outfit. She had to admit she'd rock it. Even if she would have to wear an eyemask to hide her identity cause she was a pussy. "All right," Santana finally relented. "You're right," her whisper this time was so dramatically quiet Quinn had to actually bend over to hear her._

_"I need my phone," Q offered._

_Santana shot her eyebrow up. "What the fuck for?"_

_"I'm pretty sure I need to record this moment for prosperity. Santana Lopez admitting she's wrong. It's got to be the first time ever." She was smiling smugly._

_Santana rolled her eyes. "I didn't say I was wrong, bitch. I said you were right."_

_"Semantics," Quinn argued._

_She rolled her eyes again intent on crafting an appropriate comeback when she heard the doorbell. She raised her eyebrow questioningly and moved to look out the window with Quinn following close behind. In the driveway was the Hudson's car._

_"No fucking way," she muttered at her sometime, not really, friend._

_Quinn huffed and went to move. Santana grabbed her arm. "Think, Q."_

_Quinn rolled her eyes. "I can't. Must be the brain damage he gave me when he did this to MY FACE," she snarled, pointing to the bruised eye._

_Santana sighed and followed her out. Hudson had been a big tool since they'd gotten to Ohio. She still couldn't process the video. Or anything that had happened after. She figured she'd have to head in there and keep them from at least finishing the job they'd started yesterday. Or take Q's place. Cause she had a few words to say to him too. _

_She thought about they saying, 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend.' She considered there was never a better description of her and Q's relationship. _

* * *

_Standing in the living room with everyone was not Finn Hudson though. No, instead standing in the living room smiling sadly and looking extremely uncomfortable was his wife, Kara._

_Quinn stopped her bout of storming in suddenly. Santana ran into her back in her haste to get in the room and they both stumbled._

_Everyone turned around and stared at them. They both shrugged in return._

_"Kara," Rachel said softly. "How are you?"_

_Kara was a pretty woman. She was about Quinn's height with dark red hair. Santana had always secretly wondered where she'd found that color cause there was no way that was fucking natural. But it suited her. Her big green eyes were frowning as she smiled at Rachel though. So San figured it probably wasn't the best time to ask._

_"I told Finn I was going to the store," she spoke quietly. She looked pointedly at Kurt._

_Kurt pretended to zip his lips and throw away a key. _

_"I'm so sorry for what he did," she told Rachel. "It was callous and… he didn't really mean to hurt you, though. You have to know that."_

_Quinn huffed from the other side of the room, but Rachel shot her a glare, so she shrugged and made the same motion Kurt had made earlier._

_Santana rolled her eyes._

_"I would've rather it not have happened in front of everyone," Rachel started. "I wasn't prepared to see that." She was talking about the video. _

_Kara nodded. "I had no idea he was going to…" She sighed. "I love him but… he's not really that bright, is he?"_

_Oh holy shit, Santana thought. Who made the rule that you couldn't answer rhetorical questions? Damn it. _

_"He's not a bad person," Rachel offered sweetly._

_"I think Q's face would disagree," Santana added because there was no way she could be completely quiet this whole fucking time._

_Rachel gave her the same glare. She got a second shrug as a reply._

_"I could never figure out why he didn't like you," Kara said, directing her words at Quinn now. "I guess I figured it out last night." She looked down. She'd figured way more than that out. It made her sort of nauseous to think about. "I'm very sorry he did that to you. He looks… worse. If that's any conciliation."_

_"A little," Quinn muttered. "Ow!" She squealed, when Judy smacked her arm._

_Rachel frowned sympathetically at Finn's wife. She knew that Kara was dealing with some tough revelations and she felt sorry for her. It wasn't fair. The woman had been a good friend to Rachel and she didn't want to be the cause of her pain. "I'm sorry," Rachel offered._

_Kara shook her head. "You've done nothing wrong. I've just…" she sighed. "I told him that we needed to talk. When I got back... I love him," she said softly. "But… he's not…" she shook her head again. "I shouldn't be speaking about this with you guys," she concluded. "I just wanted to apologize for his behavior." She turned to Quinn. "To both of you." She looked around the room. "To all of you. It was childish and embarrassing and…" She was near tears._

_Judy shoved Quinn in the back. "Ugh," the girl muttered where only Santana could hear. "Fine," she whispered just as softly. She cleared her throat and the others turned to her. "It's not your fault your husband is a giant idiot," she offered sincerely._

_"Quinn Fabray!" Judy exclaimed._

_Rachel crossed her arms at Quinn._

_"I mean…" she stuttered out. "Uh… I'm sorry too. You guys shouldn't have seen that and… it wasn't right. I was acting…" she caught her mother's stare. "…rashly. I tend to do that on occasion."_

_That caused a few smirks. _

_Brittany smiled. "It's just cause she's totally in love with Rachel and it makes her all wonky." She winked at Kara. "She also doesn't know how to apologize cause most people just roll their eyes at her before she gets a chance."_

_Santana and Kurt laughed. _

_Leroy patted Brittany on the arm. "You're like everyone's inner voice. It's really interesting to have you around."_

_Brittany nodded. She obviously agreed._

_Quinn was pouting more effectively than any toddler could pull off._

_Kara smiled at Brittany because it was easier than smiling at the other blond who looked as if she was having trouble not throwing an elementary school temper tantrum. "I understand." She told Britt._

_Rachel pulled Kara into a hug. "I hope you can work things out. I love you. And Lucas. And Finn. And he loves you as well. It's just that everything has been… off kilter these last few weeks. Maybe a little distance and… well, we're going home soon." She pulled back. "I would love for you and Lucas to come visit sometime."_

_Quinn hid the smile she was feeling at the fact that Finn's stupid name wasn't included in that invitation._

_"Me too," Kurt chimed in._

_The Berrys nodded as well._

_"I'd like that a lot, Rachel," Kara smiled back. "We love you too."_

_After she hugged Kurt and the Berry men and Brittany who couldn't let anyone leave without a hug, she turned to Quinn again. "Thank you," she said very quietly._

_Quinn shot up her eyebrow. "For what?"_

_Kara smiled. "He's at home feeling extremely stupid and…" she shook her head. "He needed someone to kick some sense into him. I'd have preferred something less literal but…"_

_Quinn nodded. She was on the verge of saying 'you're welcome,' with a triumphant smile on her face, but she caught Brittany's eye first. Britt was shaking her head. "I'll try not to be so literal next time."_

_Kara laughed softly. "Let's just avoid a next time, okay?"_

_"Good idea!" Brittany said._

_"I'll walk you out," Santana smiled at her. She had to know about that hair color. She figured Rach would kill her if she asked in front of everyone but she wasn't sure when she'd see the woman again. Plus she had a running bet with Kurt about it. He said it was natural. She said it wasn't. If she won he had to dress as a lumberjack for a week. _

_"Oh no," Kurt said. He knew what the hell she was doing. "I'll come with…"_

_No way he was dressing like a lumberjack. Santana had agreed to a photo shoot of his choosing and planning. He already had the tutu and wand ordered._

_The others looked at each other questioningly. Rachel just sighed. "One of them is going to look mighty ridiculous next week," is all she'd say. _

* * *

I shuddered internally every time Q clicked her phone on and off. It was a terrible nervous habit.

Plus I was her motherfucking lock screen.

Out of context, that declaration would probably raise a few eyebrows. But… in context, which included a fucking pink and gold tutu, and goddamn princess wand, and stupid ass fairy wings and that shit would make a lot more sense. My literal fairy friend had sent those damn digitals shots to fucking everyone. And I mean everyone.

I still get messages about it.

In fact, Puck texted me Saturday and asked me if I could grant his wish and send him the goddamn Powerball numbers. I sent him my flight number instead and told him I was on my way down there to beat him to death.

His reply – bring your wand.

Ugh.

She held that phone to her like it was a damn oxygen tank and she couldn't breathe without it or something. She totally knew I was smashing it as soon as she gave me an opening.

"Quit clicking that damn phone," I said. Traffic had picked up and I fought the urge to gun it. "Call her and tell her we're coming if it'll make you feel better."

"She has to know we're coming." Q answered. "She's probably wondering why we aren't there yet." She frowned.

I nodded. "Plus B probably called her on her Super Secret Spy Phone."

She raised her eyebrow at me.

I shrugged. "No way they haven't named it."

She laughed. "I have no doubt you're right, sadly." She sat the phone between her legs and then squeezed her thighs together when she noticed my hand move on the steering wheel. "How do we stop being so hover-y?"

"Is that a word?" I mean hell, she was the English teacher or whatever.

"Focus," she said, frowning. "I just want to… shit, Santana… I need to protect her."

I nodded because I knew what that felt like. "What are we protecting her from?" I finally asked. "Her feelings? I mean it's not like we can make things better or…" We couldn't bring Eliza back.

"I know that," she sighed. "I love her. And she lets me… on occasion… but… she still trusts Brittany more than me."

Okay so that was helluva gross. I didn't need to know about their _love on occasion_. I decided to ignore that comment. "Everybody trusts Brittany."

She nodded. She knew I was right there. "Cause B doesn't hover though."

As if Brittany had Super Secret Spy Cameras hidden in my car or something, her phone rang. It was B calling. She jumped before sliding it on and turning on the speaker.

"Hey B," she said. She did a good job of hiding her exasperation. I was impressed.

"I talked to Rach," she said brightly. "I told her you two were coming. She wanted to know if you were mad. I told her no cause that was stupid and you and San aren't stupid, are you?"

"No," we both answered.

"Okay. I know you're not. So she's a little nervous about you coming and if you make her more nervous then everyone will be nervous and I'm not there to not be nervous and that would suck," she offered completely unhelpfully.

"What do we do?" I yelled.

Quinn shot me an a look of complete annoyance.

"Why are you yelling?" Brittany asked.

"Because she thinks you can hear her from Boston if she yells," Quinn answered, smacking my arm and rolling her eyes.

"That's crazy. You aren't _that_ loud, San. You're gonna lose your voice."

I groaned and shot Q a look. "Excuse me," I said in a more normal voice. "But what are we supposed to do?"

Brittany sighed like the two of us were small children who couldn't figure out how to tie our shoes. "Just be normal. It's not hard."

"Our normal isn't your normal," Q supplied. Her face probably looked liked mine. Brittany always had sage advice. It just took us a while to decipher it.

"True," Brittany said. "Okay, yeah… don't do normal. Just do easy. Like I don't know… just talk about your day. And your trip. And what you did at the hospital this weekend, San. Cause she doesn't know anything about what you guys do. You don't tell her anything that you think might like upset her something. You can ask her about her group, if you want. She likes it a lot and she's made friends there. If you don't act guilty then she won't feel guilty about it."

"Should we tell her we saw it?" I asked. I turned down the side road that led to Rachel's house.

"Well I already told her that, but… why would you lie to her?"

"She lied to us," Quinn said.

Brittany gave the exact same sigh. "Cause you are crazy. You are both crazy. Like seriously crazy. Stop being crazy. Crazy is wearing us out." I noticed Q open her mouth, but Brittany was still talking. "No way, Q. Don't talk to me about redundancy. Crazy crazy crazy," She repeated. "Crazy is way too hard right now. Just be like... not crazy." She made it sound so easy. "Okay. So I gotta go. But look… not crazy. And I love you." We heard her hum. "But differently. Cause I only have sex with one of you…" And with that she was out.

I pulled into Rachel's drive as she hung up. I turned to Q. "Decipher that, oh holy English professor." I said, raising my eyebrow.

"I think we're crazy," she supplied like she'd solved some complicated algorithm.

"Obviously you're also a genius." I shot back.

"And we don't have sex. Britt and I." She shrugged. "I figured that out as well."

Ugh. She was a moron sometimes. "Glad you were able to clear that up."

She nodded. "So…" she had her hand on the car handle. "I guess we go in?"

Why did she ask me questions that weren't questions? "Sure," I answered because I didn't know what the fuck she expected me to say otherwise.

When she got out of the car, she started clicking that motherfucking phone again, staring at the screen.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, following her.

"I figured if I can't be crazy or nervous, I could at least be amused," she grinned, holding up the phone and flashing my picture at me.

"Whore," I muttered, pushing passed her and opening Rachel's door.

* * *

**Oh... I smell Faberry goodness next chapter. You people are more than awesome. You're ultra-awesome. **


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

I was helping my daddy clear the table when my dad and Judy came running in like something large and dangerous was chasing them. Seriously. They were both flailing their arms and had terribly panicked expressions. My first thought _' this is it. The Zombie Apocalypse. Quinn has been right this whole time.'_ I didn't want to her to be right because if I saw her again she would rub it in my face. (Provided I survived the first wave, which she was certain I wouldn't because I'd refused to listen to her explain in great detail the intricacies of killing the undead with blunt objects because '_Jesus Rachel, no one just has sharp objects lying around. You're gonna get your brain sucked before I even get here…_')

I shook my head because apparently I was now insane.

"Quinnie and Santana are walking up the driveway!" Judy exclaimed. "Oh. I wish I'd had another glass of wine!" Okay, so it wasn't WWZ (she'd assured me there was a book), but… this might have been a close second. I at least understood why there was flailing.

"Brittany said she told them not to be mad." I offered. Of course I was worried. Not that they were together. That didn't worry me. Not anymore anyway. Ever since Brittany and I had gotten closer, they'd bonded over their mutual frustration and overbearingness. Q and S, Brittany called them, the Double-Crays. It was actually a seriously accurate moniker if you only pondered it.

"That's like telling them not to breathe. Or not to be sarcastic. Or to stop rolling their eyes." My dad was on a roll. He still hadn't stopped with the arm flailing.

"Well maybe they're not going to be…" My daddy supplied shaking his head. "Wanna hide?" Oh great, he'd joined in the panic.

Judy was nodding. I was expecting them to all three run out of the house like children and hide in the guesthouse with blunt objects. They definitely needed a hobby. I planned to talk to Brittany about that. I could not believe they were afraid of the Double C's. I completely loved how even though I was maybe a little afraid too, thinking about what Brittany would say made me smile.

"Why are you smiling?" Judy and my dad asked at the same time as if I'd lost what was left of my delicate mind.

I decided to take charge. "That's ridiculous we're not hiding from my best friend and my…" I faltered with that one. "My… Quinn. We aren't hiding from Santana and Quinn."

"Hiding where?" I heard.

We all spun around like we didn't know they were actually on their way in the house. Dad squealed. Judy grabbed a rolling pin.

"Quinnie!" Judy said a little too cheerily. "How was your trip?" She was still holding the pin.

Quinn eyed her for a few seconds paying particular mind to the weapon her mother was wielding. "Productive."

I tried smiling at them. There was something about them both standing there that left me feeling a little breathless and a little like a sixteen-year-old girl. The two of them together used to terrify me. They weren't really doing anything… intimidating. But they weren't smiling either.

I sighed. It sort of made me angry. I wasn't sure why. I'd been angry a lot lately. "So you have no right to be mad at them," I started, crossing my arms. "They wanted to tell you." I moved in front of Judy and took said weapon and laid it on the counter so Quinn would look at me. "So stop staring at your mother like you want to say something mean. I won't let you."

"We aren't mad, Rach." Santana shook her head.

"I'm kinda mad at my mom for turning her phone off," Quinn added. "But I'm not mad at you."

Judy tried to reach around me and grab the rolling pin.

I blocked her and sighed again. "No way. What did I just say?" I asked Quinn.

Santana punched her in the arm. If that had been me it would have knocked me completely over. Quinn didn't flinch.

My phone chimed and everyone looked over to the counter. It obviously wasn't my real phone. It was my other phone. Santana and Quinn shared a look with those ridiculous raised eyebrows they were so fond of.

I ignored them and grabbed it. It was from Britt.

_Q and S being totes weird?_

I sent her a text back.

_Totes._

They were watching me. My phone rang three seconds later.

"Hey," I said, answering it. I wasn't surprised that it had ringed.

"Put it on speaker," she demanded. I pushed the speaker button immediately. She had that 'don't argue with me voice.'

"Hey Judes. Berry Papas," She started.

"Hi Brittany," they all answered brightly. My fathers and Judy totally loved Brittany. Her voice was an instant calming for them. Good thing she'd called.

"Q, S." She said; her voice was dry and not so calming. "No crazy. No mad. Stop. You haven't been there more than a minute. Okay? We just talked about this. Like seriously three minutes ago. It's weird that you don't listen to me when I tell you what to do. You know I'm right. So say sorry so I can go. My show's about to start."

"Sorry," they both mumbled, sufficiently chastised. It made me smile.

"Okay. Cool. Ttyl, Rach," she trilled. "Same bat time…"

"Same bat channel, Britt. Love you." I smiled.

"Love you," she said, hanging up. She was amazing.

I put my phone down and put my hands back on my hips. They were both looking at the ground like small children. It was kind of cute. But I was still kind of angry.

"New phone?" Santana asked, finally looking up.

My regular phone was gold. This one had a purple case with a gardenia painted on the back. Brittany had bought me the case when we purchased it one afternoon for situations just like this.

I shrugged. "Not that new. It's my…"

"Super Secret Spy Phone," she cut in. "Am I right?" She had that knowing smirk on her face.

"Did Brittany…"

She didn't let me finish. "No. I know you two. I'm totally right aren't I?"

I huffed even as my parents and Judy laughed.

It even made Quinn smile so I couldn't stay mad really. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I just…"

Santana held up her hand. "It's fine, Rach. We've been dumbasses with the hovering and the…" She looked to Quinn for help.

Quinn didn't answer.

"Protectiveness?" My dad offered.

"Overbearingness?" My daddy added.

"Neuroticness?" Judy finished.

Santana waved her hands around even as she rolled her eyes. "…that." She nodded.

"It's neurosis," Quinn corrected.

Our parents groaned. "You gave birth to a grammar Nazi, Judy." Daddy said.

She nodded. "You got the Nazi part right," she laughed. "Oh wait and the grammar. Good job, Leroy." She fist bumped him. Cause that was their new thing.

The three of us decided not to notice. Second mental note – get them a hobby.

"So," Santana prompted again. "We're sorry. And we don't want you to think that we don't trust you. Or pity you. Or…" She was still faltering. She kept looking at Quinn.

Quinn kept ignoring her. She was just studying my face.

Santana shook her head and stepped over to me. "Sorry, babe," she whispered, hugging me.

I hugged her back. "Don't apologize." I pulled back to look at her face. "Did I do okay?"

She smiled. "You did great. And you looked beautiful." She turned her head and looked at Quinn. "Right, Q?"

Quinn didn't seem to hear her.

Santana sighed. "Hello? Earth to Whore? Am I right?"

Quinn shook her head like she'd just now joined us for this conversation. "About?" She had that 'Space Cadet Q' face Brittany had introduced me to.

"That Rachel looked beautiful?" She sighed, before turning back to me and rolling her eyes.

Quinn nodded. "You know you always look amazing," she answered.

When Quinn Fabray paid me a compliment, I'd always get the stomach flip. I loved that feeling. Here lately, I'd been feeling it in my chest too. It was almost painful. But a good pain.

"Thank you," I whispered shyly.

My daddy was watching the two of us closely. "Okay, Santana we've got that new horror film, the one by Joseph Powers. Wanna watch it?"

He might as well have told her they had the keys to some super secret magic kingdom because her eyes got childlike wide and she started bobbing her head up and down like she'd been given permission to open the gate.

My dad and Judy both sighed. For them that key probably opened the gates of hell instead.

"No way, Judes," Santana smiled, grabbing her arm. "You're my movie partner when Britt's gone."

Judy shook her head even as she followed. She turned and gave Quinn a look that I didn't recognize but that for some reason snapped her to attention as they all walked out.

I moved to start the dishwasher we'd just loaded and when I turned around, she was standing right in front of me. "Oh!" I squealed only because I wasn't expecting it.

She put her hands on the counter behind me and backed me into it. "I've missed you," she said, inches away from my face. "A lot."

I tried to hold her eye contact, but she was chewing her lip and it made my knees feel a little funny. "I missed you too." I took a deep breath. "Are you mad?"

She shook her head. She hadn't moved.

"You seemed angry when you came in," I said, still looking at her mouth. I noticed that her chest was moving quicker with each breath she took.

"I wasn't angry," she whispered. Her voice was husky and it made me weak. "I just… when I don't see you and then I do see you… I… you're beautiful." She blinked and looked away then. "I was… you did look beautiful on television tonight. But… it's nothing like what you do to me when I see you in person." She moved her eyes back to mine. "Especially when I'm this close," she added.

I swallowed. She stepped closer until she was standing flush against me. Her hands hadn't left the counter, and I was glad because I think she was actually holding me up at this point. "Is this hovering?" She asked. Her voice was playful and I knew she was teasing.

"No," I squeaked out like a scared little girl.

"Good," she smirked, leaning in and kissing me.

* * *

"Oh!" I heard behind come from the doorway. "I'm so sorry," Judy was saying. She had her hands over her eyes. "I have to have wine if I've got to watch that film. It's ridiculous. And Santana and your father are actually drooling they're so excited. I…" She was watching our faces. Quinn hadn't moved away from me when her mother walked in, which was different. "I'm rambling aren't I?" She moved quickly to grab a bottle of wine they'd been drinking at dinner. She grabbed a few glasses. "I'd tell you to join us, but you missed the first ten minutes. So we'd have to start over and then… I do not want to watch that again. You should probably just wait Santana out… elsewhere," she said to Quinn.

Quinn nodded at her mother. I assumed she wasn't sure what she wanted to say so she didn't say anything.

"Okay, well… " Judy didn't finish and instead went back to watch the movie.

"That was awkward," Quinn said, pulling away.

"Your mother is incredibly understanding," I tried. I knew I was frowning but I didn't mean to be.

She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair. "What would you like to do?" She asked.

It was definitely a loaded question. Though she and I had… cuddled and whatnot since we'd gotten back to Los Angeles we had not done anything more explicit. A few kisses here and there but… I wasn't sure who had stopped it… most likely we were both waiting for the other one to initiate something. She was the "be whatever you need me to be" one. It dawned on me quite suddenly that I was supposed to probably answer her.

"We could…" I watched the lip she was still biting. She bit her lip when she was thinking. Or when she wanted to say something. Or when she was nervous… I figured she was all three. "We could go watch a movie or something in my room," I offered lamely.

She tried to hide her disappointment. "Sure," she said.

We bypassed the living room altogether when we heard Santana say, "drink!" really loudly followed by three groans.

"They're playing a drinking game," Quinn moaned. "My mother. And your fathers are playing a drinking game. I think I need to sit down." She plopped down on my bed.

"Surely…" I shook my head. Of course they were if Santana was in there screaming 'drink!' like a maniacal fool. I finally just shrugged and decided to ignore it. "Maybe we should just not talk about it…" I had visions of body shots and…

Maybe she was thinking the same thing because her face turned up suddenly. "Eww," she voiced. "Great," she added. "Now I've got to take drunk Santana home tonight. Which means she'll be staying with me. Which means that my day just got exponentially worse."

I smiled at her. "You know you can stay here. Both of you. I have the room. Plus Santana has her own room and you usually…" I didn't say 'stay in here.' She did. But… I sort of thought that if that happened tonight… I wanted it to happen tonight. I realized I really wanted it to happen tonight.

She studied my face and tried to figure out what I was thinking. "Okay," she finally said softly.

I sat down beside her. "What movie do you wanna watch?" I asked her. I felt like we were having a sleepover.

Her eyebrow shot up. Apparently she didn't feel the same way. "Uh… you pick," she said, not sure what was going on.

I grabbed _Funny Girl_ and I could almost physically feel her rolling her eyes. She didn't say anything about watching it with me. She never did.

* * *

"Yo bitches," Santana drawled, falling into the room. "Whatcha watching?" She turned around dramatically almost falling down. She jumped back like it was scary. "No!" She threw her hands over her eyes.

Quinn rolled over and stared at her. "What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

Santana was backing up slowly, still covering her eyes. "Why are you tryin to traumatize me?" She was slurring.

I giggled. "Because it's fun," I told her. "You aren't going home tonight. Do you have to work tomorrow?"

She shook her head. "No. But I know I'm not going home. Cause Q's all up in here trying to get her mack on and I know that I can't drive cause Judes totes hid my keys." She peered out from under one finger. "I think they're in her bra. I'm gonna go check."

"Santana!" Quinn screamed, jumping up.

Santana ran out of the room giggling like a small child. I had to just roll my eyes when Quinn followed her out. While she was gone, I decided to change into something to sleep in.

My dad and Judy walked in after I'd changed and brushed my teeth.

"Quinnie's locking Santana up in that bedroom, Rach," Judy drawled almost as drunk as Santana was.

Then my dad started giggling. "She chased her all over the house. Your daddy caught her and then they both fell down and then…" He doubled over, giggling more.

Judy joined in and I rolled my eyes. "Okay, well super drunk adults, you all should go to bed." I watched them smiling and had the fleeting thought that they'd end up in the wrong bedroom or …. "Go to your room, Judy," I smiled at her.

She nodded and ran out like a teenager. My dad kissed me goodnight and stumbled out calling "Leroy," in a singsong voice that made me want to throw the pillow over my head and just never take it off.

Quinn came in about ten minutes later looking decidedly less happy than she had when we were watching the movie. "Oh my god, Santana is dumbass. A stupid dumbass who just…" She threw herself onto my bed dramatically and covered her face.

I rubbed her upper arm. "She's just trying to get you riled up," I said softly.

"Right, and when I was helping my extremely drunk mother get into bed she walked into the room buck fucking naked and asked her where her keys were." She slammed her head against the bed. "Seriously. I need a drink now. Or bleach. Or both. I don't even know. What the hell is wrong with her?"

"What did your mom do?" I giggled.

"She trilled in that stupid voice she gets when she's had too much, 'Why is she nude, Quinnie? Should I be nude?'" She sounded scarily like her. "And then she started taking her shirt off. Cause I'd just got the motherfucker on her and… holy shit. Just… seriously. I may actually need therapy for the way they were acting."

I tried to hide my laughter. "Well they're in bed now, aren't they?"

"Fucking finally," she muttered, her face still covered.

"Together?" I teased.

She took her arm off her eyes and gave me that glare.

I smiled my sweet smile at her. "You're too easy," I said playfully.

"You just didn't see Santana naked. Or my mother without a top on," she added.

"Well, your mother is very modest, but she has a beautiful body. And I've seen Santana naked more than I've seen myself naked so I don't think either would really shock me," I smiled.

She frowned liked I'd just killed her puppy. "Rachel, I swear to god…" She shook her head. "I need to something to sleep in," she stood up, changing the subject rather quickly.

I nodded not sure what was going on. "In the top two drawers," I waved at my dresser.

She grabbed something and turned to me. "Be right back. I'm going to change and see if Santana is where she's supposed to be. I'd hate for her to wander in here naked and not shock you in the slightest or anything," she muttered.

I stared at her retreating form confused. I couldn't have made her mad with what I'd said. She had to be aware I was joking based on the playful smile and the silly voice I'd used. I knew how to inflect. It was my job and all.

* * *

When she got back, I realized what she was doing. She wasn't wearing my shorts. Or my shirt. "Whose are those?"

I tried not to stare at her but… I mean I absolutely wasn't an angel. I just liked to pretend I was. She was wearing a tiny pair of yellow shorts. They were cotton but they were like super small and I had, _unquestionably_, never ever seen them before. The tank top matched and was just plain cotton but it also was… not just plain cotton obviously because it cupped her breasts and… I was having a hard time focusing.

She shrugged like she was wearing a parka. "I've had them here for a while," she answered. Like they were just lying around waiting for her or something.

I looked down to the gray yoga pants and white tank I as wearing as well. "I feel like I look like…"

She shook her head quickly. "Rach… I sleep in here in old ratty t-shirts and boxers and you're always wearing…" she gestured with her hand at me. "…stuff like that. And I want to…" She closed her eyes and grimaced. "…shit, just ignore me." She walked over slowly. The muscles in her legs were straining with each step she took. The shirt she was wearing barely covered her stomach and I suddenly realized that the sides of those tiny little shorts were split.

"You look…" I couldn't speak. My mouth was actually dry. It was insane. "…a lot." What the heck did that mean?

She stopped walking and made that face. "I look a lot?"

I blushed and looked away because obviously I was channeling a teenage boy and was not going to be able to focus staring at her like that. I briefly wondered if this was what every single boy she'd ever dated felt like all the time. Like their mouths were dry and they were going to spontaneously combust if she got closer to them.

"You look amazing," I whispered, still not looking at her.

"Is there someone hiding in the closet?" She asked. "Cause that's where you're looking. And if there's some amazing looking person hiding in that damn closet I'm gonna get my new jammies dirty."

I swung my head around to look at her. She was standing about three feet away from the bed with her hand on her hip. Her pout was ridiculous and adorable.

"What?" I questioned.

"Don't make me kick somebody's ass tonight, Rach." She was smiling at me with that _'I'm Quinn Fabray and you should just go ahead and give up because I'm in charge and gorgeous and everyone wants me'_ face that I hadn't seen in a very long time. I forgot that I liked that face.

And then it changed quickly. It went from playful to… predatory. It was so fast that I wasn't expecting it. I gasped slightly.

She stopped moving towards me and raised her eyebrow.

I gulped and scooted back towards the middle of the bed.

She honest to goodness looked like she could eat me.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

I shook my head because I couldn't talk. Because honestly I had actually now turned into a mute teenage boy. And if she touched me, I really thought I might explode.

She must have mistaken the look on my face for fear because she frowned slightly. "Do you want me to stop?" She asked. She looked away quickly.

I shook my head and realized she wasn't looking at me. "No," I squeaked. "Uh no. Not at all," I whispered. Please don't stop! I screamed in my head.

Her head shot up then and the look was back. I always wondered how Quinn would act were this situation to… arise. I assumed that she'd have that cocky, cheerleader smile. That smirk she got when she knew she'd won. I didn't know why I'd forgotten that she wasn't that girl anymore.

There was no smile. There was only that gaze. They only way I could think to describe it was… hungry. Like she could devour me. It made my breath come out in hot spurts. My chest was literally heaving.

When she finally got to the edge of my bed, she leaned over a bit. I was still half sitting up. "Take your shirt off," she commanded. Her voice was low but it was rough. Deep.

I almost melted into the mattress. But I took the shirt off just the same. It took me two seconds but when I pulled it over my head she was sitting on the bed on her knees in front of me. She reached up and pulled my pants off quickly. She raised her eyebrow at me when she saw that I didn't have on underwear.

I waited for her to lie on top of me. Something. But she didn't. She just looked at me. I felt the need to cover myself for a second but she shook her head when I moved my hands. "No," she whispered in a deep voice.

I shivered and tried not to blush. When she picked up my foot and brought the back of my ankle to her mouth, I think I almost came. She kissed my calf. The back of my knee. She pulled me down the mattress like I was a pillow and not a person. She wrapped my legs around her waist. I tried to see her face, but my moans and the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes open were distracting me.

She was running both her hands up and down the outside of my thighs. Then the inside of my thighs. Her fingertips tickled my knees. She gripped my calves and pulled me closer to her. My legs were on either side of her and the cotton of her shorts was rubbing the tops of my inner thighs. Her hands moved across my hips and abdomen. She wasn't touching me anywhere else; I tried very hard not to beg her to.

They ran slowly up my stomach and under my breasts. She pulled me even closer. She was still on her knees, sitting on her feet. When she grabbed my arms and pulled me to sit on her, I squealed. I didn't see it coming and was surprised. She changed positions quickly and threw her legs out in front of her. I wasn't even sure how she did it. I realized that she'd actually picked me up to do it… I kept forgetting how strong she was.

I forgot to remember again when she grabbed my thighs and wrapped my legs around her back so that I was completely flush against her. It was the first time she'd looked into my face. When she caught my eye, she winked.

I attacked her mouth.

She wrapped her hands around my back. She wasn't being rough but she wasn't being soft… and her fingers were kneading my lower back. My arms were around her neck and I was pushing against her body, trying to get closer to her.

She was still dressed. This was becoming a theme with us. When I grabbed the bottom of her shirt, she let me… and I lifted the top off quickly before throwing it over my head. When I pressed back into her… I could feel how hot she actually was.

I closed my eyes. Should we be talking? We weren't saying anything. I was moaning and she was making these deep little gasps that were making me believe that maybe I was dreaming because there was no way anyone sounded like that.

She pulled me against her and her breasts rubbed against mine. She was kissing the sides of my throat, my neck, behind my ear. I ran my hands through her hair, trying to hold her in place.

When she put her hands on my butt and squeezed, I realized that I didn't have long.

"Take your shorts off," I muttered against her ear.

She pulled back. "I don't wanna move you," she breathed out, kissing me again. Her tongue was heavy in mouth and I moaned around.

"Please," I whimpered.

She growled but relented and scooted me to the side and off her lap. She had them off faster than the two seconds than it had taken me to get my shirt off. Before I could move back in place, she'd already picked me back up and put me there.

"Oh!" I moaned, when I felt her stomach against me. Obviously she could feel how much she was doing to me because she threw her head backwards suddenly and grunted.

I thought it was just about the sexiest thing I'd ever heard and I wanted to hear it again. So I wiggled.

Her head shot back and she caught my eyes. Her eyes were dark. She was breathing through her mouth and I could feel the air hit my cheek. "Do that again," she commanded.

I did.

"Fuck," she breathed out.

She grabbed my butt again and pulled me against her. I felt her legs fall apart slightly behind me. I was able to move my body a bit further down and… when she touched me or I touched her or… whatever… I wrapped my arms further around her back.

She moved her hands to my waist and I buried my face against the side of her neck and rested it on her shoulder. She was lifting me up and down on her lap and at the same time thrusting against me. I just hung on. I think I was scratching her back but she wasn't complaining. At some point I thought 'I just need not to let go because I'm about to fall or pass out' and then I felt my stomach coil. She was jerking our lower bodies together and I could feel her breath against my ear. Every time we came into contact, she grunted. And when she pulled me down and held me there, thrusting up to meet me and not moving, my insides twisted and exploded. I actually screamed. I never screamed when I had an orgasm, but I screamed then.

She bit my shoulder where it connected to my collarbone and I felt her heavy breaths and could hear the soft grunts she made as she sped towards her own orgasm. When she came it was with a growl and I wanted to hear it again.

When she started pulling me against her a second time and I felt her hands move back to my bottom, I held on tighter.

* * *

Headache. Ugh. Headache times seven thousand. What the hell? What did I drink? I blinked several times trying to figure out where the hell I was. I realized I was in my 'room' in Rach's house.

I was also naked.

Mother of god. I flipped over back and forth and appreciated I was in bed alone. I mean really. What were the chances someone was in here with me? Still…

And then I remembered. Drinking my body weight last night in fucking whiskey after the wine ran out with my stupid ass friend's mom and Rach's dads. Holy shit. We were doing shots. What the holy fuck.

I grimaced thinking about going in Judy's room naked. Yep… that memory came back. Ha! Q's face was totally worth that though. Bitch had no faith in me…

I pulled some spare sweatpants and a sweatshirt out of the closet. I was pretty sure my head was about to detach from my fucking body. I staggered to the bathroom and drank several glasses of water, before rummaging around and finding aspirin.

I tried to brush my teeth and at least fix my face. No such luck. I looked like ass. At least I didn't have to work or anything. Thank the drunken gods for that one.

I made my way out of the bedroom. Rach's door was unlocked so I knocked softly. We'd established that I didn't wanna see shit I shouldn't see.

The other thing I remembered – screaming. Like someone was being murdered screaming.

Jesus Christ, I hope Judes was passed the fuck out cause that shit could scar a woman for life. Actually… scratch that. Watching Q get embarrassed was like primetime entertainment.

"Come in, Santana," Rachel said sweetly.

"Are you naked?" I asked through the door.

"Would that matter?" She trilled back.

I heard Q groan like a baby. Ha. "Let me rephrase that… is Q naked?"

"No!" She giggled. Jesus she always sounded like a little kid when she giggled.

I opened the door slowly cause here was the thing… Rachel would totally lie just to make me uncomfortable. Course Quinn wouldn't let me in that room so I figured when the door didn't slam in my damn face I was good to go.

"Feeling like shit?" Q asked. She was lying on her side next to Rach, rubbing her hair softly.

I tried to shrug my shoulders, but that little movement just made my headache worse. I sunk down in a chair by the window. Thankfully those fucking ugly ass curtains Kurt bought were closed. "I believe I may have been shot last night and you two are neglecting to tell me."

"Not shot… shots. Lots of shots," Rachel smiled. She sat up. Q stayed lying down, burying her face in Rachel's side.

"Oh right… shots… body shots…" I wiggled my eyebrow then. "Do all the Fabray women have those deep navels?" I asked Rachel.

Quinn growled but didn't move. "Santana that shit is so far from funny it's living on another goddamn planet. I will kick your stupid ass until B gets home and stops me."

I just laughed. "You're like the easiest chick to piss off," I told her. I winked at Rachel.

"They are pretty deep," Rachel winked back at me. She patted the top of her head. "And you kind of are."

She did rise up at that. "Et tu, Rachel?"

Rachel shrugged and smiled at her. She ruffled her hair and… eww they were being all sweet and my nausea was coming back with a vengeance.

Q sat completely up and looked at me. "What the hell are you doing in here anyway? Shouldn't you be praying to the porcelain gods right now?"

I shrugged. "The constitution of a budding alcoholic has made that particular ritual unnecessary. I thought I hard someone being murdered last night. I just wanted to make sure you were alive. I needed to know if I had to take a shower before I called the cops for my deposition and witness testimony."

She rolled her eyes but the blush was so fucking evident it was ridiculous. "You're nosey as hell."

"I'm nosey? Seriously? There are people three houses down probably wondering what the hell kind of carnage they're gonna find in this home this morning." I smirked. "Rachel's got a set of lungs on her. Usually they're just not screaming out things like "Oh my god, Quinn!" I raised my voice and figured I'd pulled off an adequate impression cause Rachel was huffing. Smiling but huffing. That was kind of talented when I thought about it.

Q was super red. She was totally embarrassed. I had to get my kicks where I could while B was gone. And Rachel was just smiling like someone had given her the best goddamn present in the world. Ever.

I shrugged. "Yay you, gettin your dirty on. Whatevs. I'm just gonna go wake up Judy," I winked again.

Q shot of the bed and then stopped mid-step and slapped her forehead. "Holy shit," she muttered. I liked how she got the clue mid-stride. It was awesome to watch her face change. "My mom is down the hall… I…" She jumped back in the bed and wrapped her arms around Rach's waist, hiding her face in her stomach. "Hide me," she mumbled.

"It was me screaming," Rachel said, trying to… I don't know…. Comfort her or some shit. That just made it better cause….

"Ugh…" Q moaned, not having moved. "My mom heard me make you scream!"

"Just tell her it was me… that's way more believable anyway." I said.

Rachel laughed and Q just dug her head deeper into her stomach. I think she mumbled, "stupid whore," but I wasn't too fucking sure. Whatever.

Before I got a chance to reply, Judy walked in the bedroom cause I hadn't shut the door. She looked like she was feeling about as good as I was. "Morning," she smiled brightly. "Hungry?" She asked Rach.

She was totally ignoring the fact that Q's face and half her body were buried against Rachel. That was motherfucking awesomely impressive. Especially cause Quinn's whole body was like tense and almost humming.

Rach nodded slightly. "Yeah," she smiled. First time I'd seen her embarrassed this morning.

Judy nodded, smiling back. She raised her eyebrow at me.

"Coffee," I mumbled.

She nodded like she understood.

"Quinnie? Would you like breakfast?" She was staring at her daughter's back.

"Mmmph," Q mumbled against Rach.

This shit was better than a movie.

"What was that, dear?" Judy asked.

"Mmmph mmmm mmph," Q answered. Cause apparently she'd become a small burrowing animal who could disappear if she just dug far enough.

Judy stood in the doorway for a moment, staring at her daughter with an unreadable expression. "Did you say you've already eaten?" She asked. Before any of us could process what the fuck she'd just said, she continued. "I meant _food_ sweetheart," she laughed, walking out.

Q's body went ramrod straight and even Rachel's face was crazy priceless.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the most awe-inspiring, breathtaking, ballsy goddamn thing I'd ever seen. Holy motherfucking shit. Judy Badass Fabray was my fucking hero.

I jumped up laughing and followed her out.

My day had just gotten a whole helluva lot better. I decided to call B. She'd appreciate the shit out of what I was about to tell her.


	18. Chapter 18

**So I'd originally had this in Q's POV. Then I changed it. Then I changed it back. Not sure why… but I thought it was better. I know it's weird changing the POV, but pretend I'm experimental and just go with it.**

* * *

Chapter 18

I knew that I was abnormal. When I was younger that meant one thing. Now it meant something completely different.

Rachel would say: _Quinn don't call yourself abnormal! The word has a horrible connotation and people would believe that you were strange or inadequate, especially if you too hold that belief. You must learn to accept yourself and all the differences you have because they are amalgamation of what makes Quinn Fabray, Quinn Fabray. _

Or she would have said that in high school. Towards the end anyway. Now she would probably just nod and say: _Yeah. You are._

I'm okay with that.

Sometimes I thought that I'd made a lot of excuses for who I am. Sometimes I thought I hadn't made enough. It was like everything in my life – a dichotomy. There was a constant push and pull and I couldn't seem to keep up or even understand it. What occurred was what someone could politely define as unstable or… abnormal.

My first therapist told me that I was not supposed to carry the guilt I felt for the way I behaved in high school for the rest of my life. When I figured out I was gay – I know what a revelation… I get I was obvious as a girl but still… to me it was a scary epiphany… everything, every shitty, stupid, mean, horribly, awful thing I'd ever done to Rachel Berry metaphorically slapped me so hard across the face that it literally took my breath. Even after everything that happened between us senior year… I honestly didn't understand it. I was _that_ lacking in self-awareness. I could've been a case study for psychologists studying teenage girls and the reasons they bully. It was so textbook it clichéd.

I quickly stopped going to that therapist. She wanted to talk about feelings. And holy shit, all I wanted to do was run as far away from them as humanly possible.

Or Rachel. I was running away from Rachel. Always Rachel. It took yet another epiphany for me to realize the fact that she was an actual catalyst for my existence these last 15 years. It's embarrassing to admit. But I've grown and I can admit it now. Maybe it was watching the only strong person I really knew break the way that she had. Maybe it was the hollowed feeling I got when I learned about the accident. Maybe it was the literal breath I lost when I saw her pain. I don't know… and I guess it really doesn't matter. In the end, it brought me back or her back or us back… or… even thinking about it left me confused.

I wasn't good with emotions. As Santana would say – alert the media. I realize I'm restating the obvious, but I needed to say it. I'd lost too much to give in now and I felt like that young girl on the track running away her problems. I could see the end goal – it was there. I just needed to make it a bit further. So I had to barrel through all the pain and emotion and outright fucking fear and run harder.

It didn't mean I wasn't afraid. I was terrified. Everyday I was afraid of losing her. Or losing it. Or sinking back into that place that was so fucking easy for me to go. Of that self-proclaimed HBIC that I'd been actively running from or at least semi-away from all of my life.

* * *

Rachel was leaning against the doorframe after I got out of the shower. I still hadn't seen my mother. And that was fine with me. I didn't think I could ever look her in the face again. I could feel the blush crawling up my throat even thinking about it. She seemed okay with it but… I can only imagine if the roles were reversed and that was more than enough for me. I forced the gag back down my throat.

"Nice shower?" She asked. I noticed a playful lilt to her voice but I wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not.

I nodded, wrapping a towel around me quickly. I felt self-conscious all of a sudden and the blush I was trying to hide came creeping up anyway.

"What's wrong?" She asked. The lilt was gone. I hated that she felt like there was something wrong or that there was always something wrong or that she had to ask every time I didn't speak. Ugh. Even my mind rambled.

I shook my head. "Nothing's wrong." I tried to smile.

She walked over and tucked a piece of hair behind my head. I grabbed another towel and decided to dry it. I wasn't sure what we were doing so I just waited for her to speak again.

"Do you mind hanging out today?" She asked, suddenly shy. She was playing with the hem of her tank top and I tried not to think about that.

I shrugged. "Sure."

She smiled then. "Santana's leaving but she said she could come back later and get you or my daddy could take you to get your car later. Or they can go get it now cause they're going shopping and…" she shook her head because she knew she was rambling.

"My keys are in S's car," I offered. She sort of liked to take control of stuff when she was nervous so I just decided to let her.

She nodded, running off.

I rummaged through Santana's stupid closet away from home to find some clothes and went to dry my hair. To be honest… I was avoiding my mother. And Rachel's fathers.

I'd owned up to a lot of things in my adulthood. One of which… I was a giant coward.

* * *

Once I'd made myself somewhat presentable, I tiptoed into the kitchen and peered around the door.

"They're gone, super ninja," Rachel said. She was sitting at the counter. She'd had a shower while I was getting ready and her hair was pulled into a bun on the back of her head. She'd changed into a pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt from Columbia. I cringed because I knew it belonged to Santana.

I blew out a dramatic breath. "Thank god," I said, smiling.

She smiled and poured me a cup of coffee. "You're ridiculous. Your mother has been nothing but pleasant this morning." She waved her hand at the counter in front of her. "She made you breakfast."

"I'm feeling oddly not hungry," I mumbled, taking the coffee.

"It's not a big deal," she finally said. She was looking in my eyes. Her stare was so intense that it was often hard for me to look back. I found myself having to fight to look away from her.

"My mother heard us having sex. On the level of big deals – it's pretty close to the freaking top." Shit. I had to actually force myself to take breaths. My mother heard us having sex. Judy Fabray heard me make Rachel Berry come. I needed to hide. Like right now. I was contemplating going outside and digging a giant hole in the sand and climbing in.

She frowned and I felt like shit. "Are you embarrassed?" And then I felt more like shit.

"God no." I rushed out. "Not about that." I knew what she was asking. "I'm just embarrassed about my mother hearing me… make you… you know…" I had to finally look away. My face was on fucking fire. I tried to surreptitiously look around for a something to dig said hole with.

She shook her head like I was a child. "Let's just agree to not talk about it then. Okay?" She made everything sound easy when she wanted to.

I liked the suggestion though so I nodded, finally making eye contact again. She was smiling at me softly and I knew she was letting me off the hook. I smiled back. "So… what's on the agenda today?"

That made her frown again. I wasn't sure why and I bit back the urge to ask her. I could tell she was thinking.

"I don't think they'll be back for a while…" She was the one avoiding eye contact now.

I felt my stomach rumble and I wanted to pull her to me and kiss her. But she didn't look at me and I wasn't sure that we had the same thing in mind. So I waited.

"I haven't…" she looked at her hands, and I almost missed her swallowing softly. "I haven't been in Eliza's room since we were here last."

"Okay," I answered. Cause I had no idea what else to say. My mother had cleaned Eliza's room or dusted it or whatever but no one else had stepped foot into it. Truthfully, it worried mom.

"I would like to," she said softly.

"Okay," I whispered back.

* * *

Eliza… it was hard to think her name. Much less say it. For everyone. Especially for Rachel.

Even for me.

Regrets. I suppose by the time someone turns thirty they have them. Regrets, I mean. Everyone has something they wish they could fix or just… hell, travel back in time in some type of awesome Dr. Who-y time machine and change.

Treating Rachel and everyone else that I felt was below me like shit – pretty close to the top of that list. Sleeping with Puckerman… well, I guess there was good that came out of that and that wasn't really on the list. Not driving over to Hudson's the day Rachel left and punching his fucking lights out – definitely number two. To be honest, Finn and face-bashing, or lack therof, could've rounded out the top ten. But at the top of that list, way ahead of everything else… Eliza.

Can you love someone you've never met? It's a question I've asked myself since she was born when I saw those photographs of her in those damn tabloids that I secretly bought on my way home from work. I'd actually sit in the parking lot and pour over them. I'd google Rachel, knowing those pictures would appear in my search. Every time I saw Eliza my heart felt like it was stomping in my chest.

For years, I'd refrained from contacting Shelby about Beth. I've only talked to her twice. Once when Beth got sick and the doctor wanted a medical history to make sure that everything was okay… it was, thank god. And once, after Eliza's death. Shelby's granddaughter's death. I'd told Rachel I'd contacted Shelby about her. I didn't tell her what she'd said. And she hadn't asked.

Giving Beth away was the right thing to do. When I did it, I honestly thought I'd have another daughter one day. I told myself it would be someone to love as much as I loved Beth and that it would be okay because I could give all of these feelings I'd had for my first daughter to my second. (I never once imagined a boy. Because boys tended to be stupid and too much work and I was an idealist at the time.)

I'd stopped thinking about that until Eliza was born.

I actually fantasized about Rachel's daughter. About those chubby little arms around my neck. About someone hugging me and calling me Mommy. It was insane.

I knew that. I was afraid. I avoided all outward signs of what I was experiencing. Or I thought I did. That was the first time since I'd changed that Britt started with those vigils and cancelling tours because she was afraid I would slip.

But I just kept trekking on and avoiding and… Eliza died. She fucking died. I couldn't even… Rachel's pain was at the forefront of my mind. My existence. Even before I came to see her. But at the very back… my own.

I realized I had no right. I would never breathe those words out loud to anyone. That I was hurting. That her death was… I couldn't believe the pain. I didn't want to. I never told anyone about it. Not even Brittany. I would never tell anyone that I was grieving for someone else's child. Finn, in all his fucking stupidity, might've been right. I was trying to become a part of Rachel's pain. Or at least share in it. Not for the reasons he fucking thought, but we'd established he was a goddamn idiot. But there was a kernel of truth in what he'd said.

Sometimes at night… when I was alone, I cried. I tried not to cry in front of Rachel and usually it was because she was upset that I let my emotions show. But when no one was home or Britt was asleep, I found myself sobbing until I was sick. I would wake up in the morning with these dark circles under my eyes. I think Britt thought I was drinking again. I think she thought I was losing it. She watched me closer and she worried. But I just pretended.

They showed that accident for weeks. It played and replayed on every news station. Every entertainment network. I watched it like I was watching… well, a car wreck. I couldn't think of a better description of what they played. Every time I saw it, in slow motion, crawling across my screen I felt like I was hyperventilating. Several times I got sick. But I couldn't stop watching.

I forced myself to feel that little baby's fear. Her pain. I needed it to hurt. I prayed at night that it was me. I wanted there to be a god that could change fate and I prayed for that day to start over so I could be driving that car. So Eliza and her nanny could be at home. So Rachel could be holding her daughter right now.

She wasn't my daughter. I knew that. I wasn't delusional, no matter what anyone might say about me. Reality and all the bullshit that came with it was something I could always see with crystal clarity. Most people hid from it. I saw it coming like an oncoming freighter. It was always frightening and always rumbling.

So I knew I loved Rachel's daughter. I also knew it wasn't my place to. But it didn't matter.

* * *

I followed her to Eliza's bedroom and watched her run her fingers over the purple letters on the door. She told me once that Santana hung those letters on the door. I fought down the jealousy that always rose in my chest at the thought. Santana took my place. She got to know her. I hated it at first. I'd finally learned to just accept it as some sort of punishment for what I had done in the past.

"Are you sure?" I asked her. I was standing behind her. I couldn't see her face.

She nodded but didn't open the door. "She had so much stuff, Quinn. Clothes she never wore. Toys that weren't even out of the box. There are kids that don't have…"she broke off. I watched her shoulders to see if she was crying.

"And they'll be there next week. Or next month. Next year, Rach." She didn't have to do this because she wanted to… I felt a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. It was a feeling I'd been all too comfortable with these last few weeks.

She ignored me and slowly opened the door.

I realized as we stepped through that I'd actually never been in the room. The weight of that realization flooded me and I felt like something was sitting on my chest. Rachel was standing about three feet in front of me but I couldn't see her face. She didn't move. I looked around. It was such a little girl's room. Tiny little toys and a toddler bed next to a crib. There was a dollhouse in the corner, but I assumed it was for show.

I had to force myself to breath.

"She was just a baby," I whispered. I clamped my hand over my mouth instantly. What the fuck was wrong with you, Fabray? Why couldn't I just shut up? I shook my head even before Rach turned around.

"What?" She whispered back.

"Nothing," I said softly. I was still shaking my head. I couldn't fucking believe I'd just…

I felt her take my wrist and lead me over to the rocking chair that was by the window. "Sit," she commanded.

I sat because I felt like I was going to fall down if I didn't.

She sat on the ottoman in front of me.

"I'm so sorry," I said, still shaking.

"She _was_ a baby, Quinn," she said, putting her hand on my knee. "You were making an observation. Stop being afraid of saying what you're feeling."

I nodded and looked away. I could feel those stupid traitorous tears threatening. I had gotten poor at keeping them at bay. I bit the inside of my lip to help.

I felt her rub my knee. "It's okay to grieve," she finally said.

I shook my head but avoided looking at her. "I have absolutely no right. None. I didn't know her."

I felt her take my chin. She forced me to look at her. "I'm giving you the right."

I swallowed. I wasn't sure I could keep myself from crying. I bit my lip this time. "Stop," I pleaded.

She shook her head back. "I won't. You get to grieve," she enunciated. "I love that you love her, Quinn. It breaks my heart that you never got to know her. That she never got to know you."

That was it. I couldn't keep the tears from falling then. They were a goddamn flood and no damn could keep them from spilling. I just let them fall because what else could I do? It hurt me to even think about why I was crying.

She jumped up and pulled me to her.

* * *

When I'd stopped crying, Rachel went to get a few boxes that were in her hall closet. I stood up and wiped my face before she got back. I needed to pull myself together.

"There are things I want to keep…" she was speaking so softly I had to move closer to her. She picked up a lamb from the window seat. "This was Pie," she said, smiling sweetly. She handed it to me. "She loved that thing. She carried it everywhere."

I held it softly. "She named it Pie?" Every instinct in my body was to hold it to my face. To smell it. To feel it. I just held it against my chest instead.

She giggled. "She did. It was strange and we had no idea where she learned that word, but we just went with it."

I laid it down softly on the bed because it hurt me to actually hold it. "Are there things you want to donate?"

She nodded. "Some. I don't think I can go through everything yet, but…" she moved over and opened the closet. It was huge and full of clothes in array of colors. "…some of these things she never wore."

I followed her over to the closet. Her shoulders were shaking softly and I put my hand on them. "Listen, we don't really have to do this." I didn't know if I could do this.

She shook her head. "No, I need to." She walked into the closet. I followed.

What else was I going to do? Be what she needed…

* * *

After a few hours, we'd filled three boxes with toys and clothes that Eliza hadn't used. I pretended to be okay with it. It was easy if I didn't think.

Every once in a while Rachel would stop and tell me a story.

_She wore this to our favorite restaurant in Italy._

_This was my daddy's favorite dress._

_Santana bought her this._

_Kurt had this made._

Each story was sweet. I listened intently because I was supposed to listen. It was my job to listen.

She told me about Eliza's first steps.

_Kurt started crying he was so excited and then Lizzie started crying because she thought something was wrong. And then I started crying cause she was walking, Quinn! And she was crying… But then Santana swooped in and picked her up and she started giggling and…_

She told me about her first word.

_Rach. Her first word was Rach. Well really it was 'Wach' but we knew what she was saying and I blame my stupid friends for that. I told them to call me mommy. What? It's perfectly acceptable. She was going to call me Wach if they didn't._

I heard about dance class. Her birthday parties. Her first swimming lesson. The way she smiled. Her favorite songs.

I just listened. My heart broke with every damn story all over again and I tried not to let it show. I wasn't supposed to let it show.

When we'd finished… when she'd finished… I realized I was crying again. For the first time in quite a while, I had no idea. I forgot to stop myself.

"How do you do that?" She asked, swiping at my cheek. We were sitting on the floor of Eliza's bedroom just talking now.

"Do what?" I asked, taking her hand.

"Cry like that? You cry like an angel or something." She frowned. "I don't know what that means," she looked away. "I just… I've never seen someone cry that beautifully. It' captivating to watch. I look like a blubbering moron when I cry."

I arched my eyebrow. "I cry beautifully?" I shook my head. "I'm flattered…" It embarrassed me. No one should say things like that.

She shook her head. "No. You're offended because I called you out on your crying. But that's okay. I have a pretty girl sitting here holding my hand. I'm not going to complain."

It wasn't the first time she'd told me I was beautiful. But something about the way she said that made my heart flutter in my chest.

I watched her face. She was concentrating on something but I wasn't sure what. I didn't want to ask because the look she had made me want to touch her. Made me never want to let go.

"You love me, don't you?" She asked after a few moments.

I tried to hide my surprise. That was not what I was expecting her to say. I nodded slowly. "Yes," I chose to answer. There was a lot more things I could've said but I knew that sometimes less was more.

She nodded like she knew the answer. Of course she did. There was no reason for her to ask. I watched her take several breaths, working her lip between her teeth. I fought the need to tell her she was adorable.

She scooted closer to me and moved my hand from my lap before she sat down. She put her arm around my shoulder and laid her head on my shoulder. "I like when you hold me," she whispered against my neck.

"I like when I hold you too," I answered, putting my arm around her waist and pulling her closer. I liked the way she felt against me. It made it easier to breathe.

"I like when you make me smile. And you make me feel alive again. I like the way you bite your lip when you're thinking. And how you can be so in control one second and so out of control the next…" She was speaking into my throat at this point. "…I keep thinking about all of these things that I like about you."

I kissed the side of her head. "I'm glad."

"Everything has been so confusing. I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time. I'm so sad. I miss my baby. I miss before… but…" she was breathing softly against my neck and I held my breath so that she wouldn't stop speaking. "You make everything softer. And I don't just like that I think I might actually…"

I waited for her to finish but she didn't.

"I don't know what to say." I finally broke the silence. It was true. To be someone so obsessed with words I hardly knew how to find the right ones.

"At first it felt… it felt like I didn't deserve it. My daughter died… how could I deserve it…"

I pulled her closer and kissed her cheek, her temple, the top of her head. "Sweetie…"

I felt her shudder. "That's it," she said, before I could finish. "That feeling. God…" She buried her head against me again. I could feel her tears. "That's love, isn't it? I know it is… I'm falling in love with you…"

I literally stopped breathing then. I knew she felt me clench. I think my entire body turned to stone out of pure shock.

She pulled back suddenly and looked me in the eyes. "Are you okay?" She whispered.

I nodded dumbly. I couldn't stop looking in her eyes. She brushed my lips softly with hers.

"Speak," she said.

I looked at her.

"I broke you." She stood up and grabbed my hand. "I broke you, didn't I?"

I shook my head, still in a sort of state of shock.

"Oh my goodness," she said, walking out of the room. I followed because she was holding my hand. "Judy is going to be so mad at me. I broke you. Talk to me, Quinn Fabray."

We were in the hallway now. I reached around and shut Eliza's door softly. I forced myself to take even breaths. She was worrying her lip.

"Quinn?" She asked softer.

I grabbed her wrist and pulled her against me. I heard that soft 'oh' sound she makes when she's surprised. It always made me weak. I crashed my lips against hers and kissed her like it was the last time I ever would.

When I pulled away, she was panting. She smiled at me with those crazy big eyes she had and it made my heart start doing that fucking flutter thing again.

"I love you, Rachel Berry," I whispered, looking in her eyes.

If possible her eyes smiled more. "I love you too, Quinn Fabray," she whispered back.

She kissed me this time.

I felt every weight on my chest, my shoulders, my stomach fly away. Just gone. It was the best fucking feeling in the world.

And I never wanted it to end.

* * *

**So thank you so much for the reviews. I hope you guys like this chapter and... yeah...**


End file.
